tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

I have to say one thing...honesty and commitment are a huge part of any relationship. Be it friend, sister, husband, etc. You cannot expect to win much respect if you throw your position around in his face. A man's ego is a big deal to him and hurting it will hurt you since he won't want to be close to you.

He must be qualified and looking into future prospects...I am sure you married him on SOME practical base since you're intelligent and capable. What does he do? What are his plans? And why would anyone just bring someone here with no qualifications?

If you voluntarily signed up to become the breadwinner, then be it and stop complaining. If you want him to stand on his own, work with him.

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

Just the fact the term "6 figures" is being thrown around here so casually, with an occasional "I can't be left behind, I gotta inform everyone I also earn 6 figures" just shows you where the mindsets of our people are...and why there are more divorces now than ever before.

Did our naani's and daadi's even know what a 6 figure is??

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

^If they did, they certainly didn't throw it around as casually as people do now or use it to one up their spouses during arguments.

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

CPA, you did the right thing to not tell him your correct income. I understand that it's not just because of divorce but even if you work it out, in the meantime he will pressure you to give him money. This way you can keep the peace, if you refused to tell him anything, it would have caused friction. Yes, unfortunately there are many desi men like this, women should be completely desi and do all house work raise kids etc but should also earn money, because this is USA people. And yes, a 6 figure salary is a big thing!

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

The elders get their panties in a bunch with the haq mehr, imagine what they'd do if u threw in the prenup. "Hum baraat waapis laikay ja rahay Haen aap Apni beti apnay pass rakhain!" "Hunain to ee kuri divorce da sochdi pai hae tay ki nibni ae!!" etc. etc.

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

so just because she wrote about her 6 figure salary that meant she should be put on a blower for that. and all of a sudden that whateverthenicewordsweresaidabouthim husband becomes an innocent penguin who has been pushed to a corner by his wife.

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tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

Wow PCG, your advice sounds very mature and positive and my thoughts exactly! I hope Op takes it more seriously. How can you go to bed every night knowing something so small can hurt your marriage so profoundly. Your right in wanting to protect yourself and have every right to do so but do it so it doesn't hinder the chances of an honest reconciliation. I am in the green card process and it sucks yes but my husband helped me every step of the way. You should be doing that for him. Heck, I only came from across the border and there were so many adjustment issues and Ive been in the US long enough that I am eligible for citizenship but haven't even gotten my damn new green card yet. In just saying, give it some time.

If he were to land this dream job your hoping for in the next month, would you not want to know the financial details so you can plan for the future? I'm sure, you will want to know everything. Will he tell you considering you gave him issues about your info? How is this a marriage. And no if this marriage doesn't last because of irreconcilable differences, you wont be responsible for his rent/ support but things will definitely get messy regardless of when the divorce takes place. Unless ofcourse they think he came here only for the green card. Only you know if his intentions really are malicious and if your trying to "protect" yourself with unnecessary secrets then why the heck should you care about the stigma of this marriage?! It's a little contradictory you don't want to be a divorcee but your trying to protect yourself in the event that you are? How about starting from the basics on principles that help build the marriage instead of making moves that are getting you closer to your worst case scenario.

You need to get overself, get over your fears of being a divorced girl in our society and actually do what is really the right thing by protecting this marriage first and not yourself. If you don't trust the dude and he really is the moocher you've made him out to be then why dig yourself a deeper whole? The longer you stay the more you have at stake. But if not and there is an inch of respect for him and this partnership (which you signed up for in a very lengthy process) them just tell him the damn truth and give him a chance. Minimize your losses but let the guy prove himself. He can't ruin your credit with a $500 or $1000 credit card limit. Like I don't even feel the financial planning needs to be spelled out for you, your an accountant! Im sure you know all these things already. If your having issues understanding each other than I am sure you can afford some coaching or help IF you really want it, but your actions have all determined otherwise. You just need to realize that marriage isn't some kind of big dream. Anything can happen in life. making biryani after a ling day is apart of the burden of it all, but if you loved him, it wouldn't feel that way so much. you would feel the purpose. My husbands company just layed off their lead CPA in his team because of an oversight on a major aspect of one of their current projects, like get real. Money isn't everything. As fast as it comes, it leaves too. You should be more worried about solidifying the foundation. If you don't think he should be getting off anymore on your help then there's no point in asking anyone for perspective since your already lying to him, it doesn't make sense and won't make you any happier or relieved in the long run when it really comes back to bite. The fact that you hid your earnings probably won't look good in divorce court either should it get to that point..

Sorry if this was harsh but I was trying to understand your position. It's difficult when you keep ignoring the practical advice and still haven't bothered to answer (for the sake if giving you unbiased advice,) what exactly hasn't he done in regards to the financial situation that is making you do some crazy and possibly paranoid things to hurt yourself later?? What hasn't he done that you need him too? Has the effort been there or not to look for work/school?? Where has he fallen short? Have you given him the chance? How long has he been here? Do you even like anything about him?

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Sounds like he isn't the brightest star, so I do sympathize with OP. Don't get me wrong here. He needs to take a part time job, enroll in school, and help out around the house. He is getting a green card out of this.

But doctoring income documents will make it worse

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tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

Altering her pay stub and lying about her income was childish and wrong. Either sit quiet or tell the truth. How does it matter if he knows your true income if he doesn't have access to it? He's already bickering with you and tossing around the D-word haina? You keep saying you want to make it work, but from what you're telling us, your actions speak otherwise

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tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

^ Exactly. Agreed with the both of you and I didn't mean to sound so harsh because I do feel for you op too. I just think this is what she signed up for, shes smart enough to know his situation wasn't going to be 6 figures for a very very long time. It kind of comes with the territory, being married and not necessarily having money even though you did before. It takes a few months for couples to get acquainted with the financial situation and figure how to manage things even with 6figures. Most people have debt and bills and that usually doubles and its jut natural for living expenses to in increase. In this case hes an immigrant, hes starting out fresh. If he has gotten his social secruity and has gotten that far in the immigration process then he is very eligible to start building his own credit and theres a ton of ways he can do that. Why cant that be an option so he can start planning for possibly getting his own loans and what not if she does not want to support some of his plans. She hasn't really told us what he's been trying to do and what not. If he doesnt even have a social yet then they have not gotten very far in this partnership in my opinion. He may not be the rightest star but I also think its wrong to give up on something you basically aigned up for and put a lot of effort, time and obey into like the immigration process and wedding and bringing him over, so why not put the same time into making it work. Altering pay stubs seems like a lot of effort to put into a lie for reasons that won't make any difference in reality. They will hurt more than they will protect. I think you need to just give him an ultimatum type scenario next time he throws out divorce that he needs to start contributing or find a job otherwise you can't afford to keep this going. If your truly unhappy with this person and now that he's here and getting along is difficult aside from external factors, you can't even speak to each other properly than obviously that's something she has to come to terms with. She should accept and make the best of or end their misery if she can't see herself with this person.

If the only reason your not doing that is because he'll take all your money then op just consult a lawyer and get all of the information for you to make some good decisions for what to do

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

I don't think she altered her pay stubs she just showed she had more expenses then she did and therefore lesser savings. Also of the OP wasn't do financially accomplished everyone would be like oh make urself financially independent and save up for urself and protect urself. And now that she is already that everyone's throwing her under the bus for it. I don't think she'd even have brought her 6 figures up if she hadn't misread what that one poster was saying about her being a loser (he meant relationship-wise and not money-wise). Because before that she never said anything like that or in that tone.

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

Post #122

[QUOTE]
hey just to let everyone know, I showed him my paystub, and just changed the numbers in pdf, to the point where its very little left after expenses.
[/QUOTE]

OP is continuing to build the foundation of her marriage on mistrust and deceit. Both she and her husband, IMO are completely wrong. He needs to snap out if his cushy seat in la la land and be a man and support his wife emotionally and financially and she needs to make up her mind and decide if she is truly vested on making this marriage work and not shut hanging around because she fears the label of divorce

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

Ditto!

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LOL, going on to page 11.

1.) I in no way shape or form was trying to show off, and I am sorry if it came across that way, Thank God, I am well off, I know people better than me who make less, and less knowedgable then me and make more, its Kismat. I mentioned these facts, because some ignorant person/troll wanted to call me a loser. Fact is, many successful people get divorced, or have personal problems. And truth is 6 figures expecially in NYC doesnt make you rich, but yes, it makes life alot easier.

2.) After I showed him my paystub with the fudged numbers, at first he was like "really this is it, hmmm, not much:/ I made it so that after all bills, he could think ok she has a few hundred left over, not much.

3.) He was really nice for 2 days, and then last night asked for $1k. I have never given him money before. and I asked why? He mentioned he needed it for the stock market. I kindly mentioned to him, like im purchasing a home, you see my salary, money is tight at the moment. I need things, and I'm delaying them until I close on the house. I asked him to purhaps get a job, or you know what, fine ill get another job on the weekends and then purhaps I can help (I have no intention of doing this). On that he was like, no you work long hours, you need 2 days to relax. Im happy I didnt show him what I really make, he would have asked for much more, and really demanded it. I know he is going to be annoying now, but I have always put my footdown when it came to money, so he knows Im not going to budge.He was trying to start an arguement, at this point, im savy to that, and manuver around it.

4) for anyone, who has negative comments to say, or wants to type in the common, "go divorce" why come to these kind of threads. A, honestly, I dont share personal info with ANYONE I know, atleast i get a sounding board here, where I can bounce ideas off of others and understand what to do. B, you dont like my issue, why spend time reading and commenting? Seriously, obviously someone who comes to these boards is either worried or asking for advise, to be an jerk and call someone names, what do you get out of that?

Im not asking for anymore advise at this point. But I will say this, had I shown him more income, or had i shown him my bank balances, you must admit, it would have made my life harder. I was right, he wanted to see what I make because he was going to ask for money. Nobody asks repeatedly for something without some reason behind it. Hope all information helps someone else in the future.

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

Good on you! He still sounds like he doesn't deserve you. Why do you want to carry his weight too? I love that you are not being an enabler! That's rare to see but at the same time you should NOT have to put up with this kind of douchebaggery..

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tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

^ Fair enough Op. Don't get me wrong, I do understand why you felt you needed to do it but I guess the part I find confusing is aren't you afraid it'll hurt the relationship later? There seems to be no mutual feelings of respect for one another. No emotions involved? How long will you have to keep it going? I'm thinking the lie is useless based off of the kind of communication you guys seem to have and maybe ways around fixing that is being straight forward. Why is it that you can't trust him? If you have never given him money before then why is it that your not willing to support him in that regard, I mean considering he hasn't taken any from you before? It's just strange. Your the one whose buying a house, your the one whose making all of the decisions and you seem a little unwilling to budge on your needs or plans. Like don't people plan to buy homes together? I feel like if the roles were reversed we would be jumping on the husband on being an unsupportive and selfish spouse. I get you the main bread winner but, its still strange. Everything seems to be about "business" and little about the compatibility between the two of you. I don't know, it just seems one sided. I don't think husband is in the right but considering you have most of the power in this relationship, there doesn't seem to be much compromise or sacrifice there either. It's all about not letting anything getting in the way of what you had planned for yourself. Also buying a house while you think it may not end up well, won't that go against what your trying to protect? Considering you bought it during your marriage and they would consider it joint? I'm just assuming that part, I think khatti explained it earlier. But yeah.

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Still say you should get a divorce. Lying to your husband does not a good marriage make.

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Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?

we went home shoping together, he agreed to the house as well, I pay alot for the rent where I am living now. We both agreed it would be better to buy a house where, after a few years, we could live rent/mortgage free. And where I live, they increase the rent yearly.

  1. For everyone asking about NY divorce laws, its not a community property state where you break everything 50/50. But, they will look at alot of things, like how long the marriage was, who earned more, and remember divorce really depends, on the judge you get. If you get a bad judge, it can really hurt you. I suggest watching the documentary divorce corp. You can see parts of it on youtube. It really opens your eyes. Additionally, anything you have after marriage can be see as marital assets. regardless of who made it.
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^ from what you just wrote about divorce law...don't you think getting a house is the wrong thing to do???

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NYC market is very very competitive. Ive been looking since 2011 and was overbid multiple times. I finally got into contract for something that is in pretty goodshape. I agree that its not the besttiming. But if you wait for perfect timing, it never comes. Also, its basically a good way to move all my cash into an asset that doesnt really have my name on it.