Re: tell husband how much savings you have? what your salary is?
Whole thing is very complicated. Probably because GS posters don't have all the details and both sides of the story (not that we have the right), and furthermore, generalizations really don't work in real life. They do great for a philosophical argument in Life1 about gender roles, but not in real life.
So here's some pointers based on my experiences and the experiences of those people I know who brought spouses over from abroad.
-once you agree to marrying a foreigner, the expectation that he will have $$ or be able to get a good spot in a good univ with foreign (that too, Pakistani for crying out loud) references goes out the door completely. So if you had expectations as such, you need to deal with the fact that naturally these were unrealistic expectations to begin with. He still can't contribute equally to the marriage? From your name sounds like you're a CPA so keep in mind that you earn more than most people in the USA, and so he might NEVER be able to break even with you. Both of you should have understood this prior to marriage and agreed to cope with it.
-Man works, woman doesn't have to: if you want to stick to this ideal, then marrying a guy from abroad who would be taking time to build his career probably is a bad choice to begin with. He's immigrated, he is trying to establish himself (if that's the case, not sure in your situation), it will take TIME. I've seen couples where the guy takes some years to get financially stable...If you are looking for a real provider that is committed and stable, then you should have found someone with an actual job and permanent residency status of some sort to begin with. You did not. Now you have to deal with the consequences.
-I'm not sure how long your husband has been in the US or exactly what he's been doing here. Is this the same marriage where the guy has 10K in his bank account and was asking the girl to pay for his re-take of an exam? Maybe I'm getting disgruntled guppans mixed-up. But if he's actually been trying some exams, or trying to get into school or something, then give him credit for it, and maybe help him out? If you've already spent $$ on him, and he still wont focus on school, that's something else. Or if he simply hasn't even applied for any schooling here that's something else too.
-Most immigrants who come here, do work part-time to contribute $$ to family, and then they go to school part-time. Most adults who come over here, at least have a bachelors equiv already here, or at least that is what you girls SHOULD be looking for. Someone who if he transferred Pakistani graduate credits here, would qualify for a bachelors equivalent per US degree system. No, I totally agree that most upper level quality programs in Pakistan should be equivalent, but they're not. That's not an academic thing, it's more of a money-making scam than anything else. They don't want to grant an ambitious MD or MBA or engineer etc from Pakistan an equivalent graduate degree standing here, they'd rather call these grads "bachelors" equivalent to force them to apply for a US grad school, and repeat a degree or repeat qual's. Stupid, but it's true. Now if you selected a guy from Pakistan who has a bachelors, then here in the US, he has an associates. So here you are - a prof woman - married to an associates-equivalent... again, whose fault is that?
-Now back to your question. Should you let him see your assets. If you went into the marriage for the right reasons - that you think this man's values are in accordance with yours, and that you want to raise a family with him, and you feel that your marriage is stable for this, then yes, you should be open about your finances. But doesn't seem like these prerequisites are even met at this point, so talking about money is sorta useless when the foundation of your marriage - i.e. trust and values, aren't aligned.
You talk about my experiences, cpa, and much of it I haven't actually shared here, nor will I.
But I can tell you one thing. When you are looking to bring a spouse over from Pakistan, whether you are a man or a woman. There are TWO big issues at hand.
- Are the values of you and the other person similar? Outlooks on life similar?
- Does the guy work hard, and does he have potential to have a stable financial future?
and then less so, but still VERY important
- What did the person do in Pakistan that proves they are a capable person? For a potential groom, this would mean - what was his schooling there, and what are his qualifications, and MORE THAN THAT, what has he accomplished there with his own bare hands without mummy daddy making phone calls?
The reason why I say this is there are plenty of smart graduates from Pakistan that come to the USA and they accomplish nothing here. Because they're from elite families in Pakistan, they're used to a servant doing everything for them, and they haven't had to sweat and toil for their earnings because they got a job there cuz they knew someone. And frankly, that happens A LOT. A lot of people have cush jobs in Pakistan because they had a connection and got a job interview meanwhile 30 very qualified people are waiting on getting call backs, but they don't.
The smart graduate comes here, and will take up any job, even if it's flipping burgers, and then work on education at night, pay his way through college/grad school here, and then be qualified to get a real job.
The only thing that works against these people in the long run, is that by the time some of these guys get married to girls, come over here, and are older, they're dealing with age-ism in the market....where newbie 22 year olds or mid-20's grads are getting jobs before they are. But, Allah gives rozi, and I can tell you, there are people in their mid-30's late 30's, that are fresh on the job market with CV's from Pakistan, get some extra education here, even volunteer/intern somewhere, and they find something as they build their rec letters.
The problem comes in when the guy is sitting at home, and is a day-dreamer. Day-dreamers always have issues...but then a good screen of what the guy has accomplished in Pakistan (WITHOUT MUMMY/DADDY PHONE CALLS) would tell you he's a daydreamer.
And I think mad-scientist is right - you're dealing with a guy who has a bruised ego, and he is trying to exert control in some way or the other. He will figure out how much you have when there is a divorce, so hiding your assets now will not do anything in the future to protect you. If you really mean it when you say you love him, as much of a feminist as I am, you will put all your cards on the table, and have a mature discussion with him on your expectations.
Credit card access? If he has an account with 10K in it --> that's where his credit card comes from. Not from your account. You have control over spending in your account period. You can do a joint account, and attach a credit card there for him and for you, and both of you mull over statements every month to verify each other's purchases until there is financial trust built. This will help you guys begin to trust each other.
And regarding his job, you have to tell him he needs to get a job period. If this is the story where the guy is trying to retake his CPA exam, then for crying out loud, support him and let him study and give the exam again. Once he's a CPA and earning like you and handing you diamonds, maybe then you'll be all smiles and giggles.
Marriage is more than money. It's a deep friendship and partnership - where you guys have entwined your souls and bodies for crying out loud. That's much deeper than a bank account statement. If I was you, I'd show him the statements and your personal assets (not your parents), and be upfront about your expectations and how he's currently letting you down and what he needs to do to take over in terms of financial burden, and how you're gonna help him do it. If he can't make a plan, you make one for him, and like a nagging mom, you put him to work. And if that still doesn't work, then I say, at that point, consider filing for divorce.
