What I don't get is who made up the rule that parents must live in their son's house. Islamically, it says that "children" are to take care of their parents, not "the sons must take their parents in when they are unable to care for themselves."
I say this because when the parents move into their son's house, they are probably going to be spending the most amount of time with bahu because in most cases, their son is out at work and bahu is at home minding the home and kids. And let's face it, a bahu is not a real, blood daughter. I'm not saying it to be derogatory - it's just a fact. And when you're dealing with someone who isn't your blood relation, who hasn't lived with you for their entire childhood and even a good portion of their adult life, you can't treat that person in the exact same way as you would your flesh and blood child. Because from what I've seen, it turns into a problem a lot of times if you do.
For example, friend of mine is now married. Whenever she plans a visit to her parents' house, mom always says "just let me know in advance when you're coming so I can have everything ready for you." By that, her mom means, cleaning up the house, cooking a ton of food, and making sure she has everything for daughter and hubby to be comfortable. No big deal. Friend knows that mom takes her hostessing duties very seriously and likes to have her guests be uber comfortable when they come...she's been watching her mom do this for years. Now the first few times mom said that to her new bahu when friend's brother got married a few years back, bahu got offended. To her, that comment meant that MIL was being burdened by her visit and was trying to tell her that without actually saying it. So mom stopped and simply stuck with, "that's great that you're coming baita. Can't wait to see you."
Now whether or not that statement is offensive or bahu is being unreasonable, I don't know. What I do know is that the mother and daughter KNOW each other. Daughter knows that mom isn't intentionally trying to give offense because she's lived with mom, she knows every nuance of every expression and every word that comes from her mother. So whenever mom says that, to the daughter, it's just mom being mom and nothing more.
So anyway, I think in a lot of instances, it would be better if the parents lived with their daughters when they feel they can no longer care for themselves. It will most likely be the daughter who spends the most amount of time at home anyway so that is the person they'll interact with the most. Because there will be arguments, there will be disagreements, there will be hurt feelings...but at the end of the day, it will more than likely be put aside because both parties know that "it's my child/parent, they didn't mean it that way, let it go."
Not to say that parents can't live with their sons. But I think it just takes a lot more patience both on the part of the parents and the bahu. And I also think it's unfair to always place this responsibility on the shoulders of son and his wife (usually the older son and his wife) when all of the children - male and female - are obligated under Islam to care for their parents.
