So lately I have been in the company of older widowed moms who are living with their sons. This is the common thought process of most of these ladies:
That they miss not having command over the new set up they are in.
It doesnt matter how good the son and daughter in law are, they wish they could get their life back where they were in charge and didnt have to adjust.
If given a chace, they would rather live alone than in the comfort of their son’s home.
Now these ladies are not that old, they still have lots of energy and want to remain active. However, as they aren’t used to the system around here and cannot drive or speak English, they do feel restricted and have limited options in terms of having a job or being part of a local social network.
Anyways, I understand the feeling as I was trying to put myself in their shoes. It must feel awful to all of a sudden not be the one making decisions on how the home should be run. On top of that, to adjust to a busy home where kids are running around and pretty much the entire house is controlled around the activities of the kids must be boring sometimes. Also, as everyone is busy with their schedules, these grandmas must feel lonely as well.
This is a pretty common scenario in our culture where parents move in with their kids in their older age, and it is especially tough on the the moms. How can we make their experience better given that ever child does try their best but obviously one has to look at a big picture.
There is definitely some anxiety around the whole decision making power for moms. When they had their spouses with them they were in control coz the spouse was making the decisions and the "illusion" of power was there. Husband listened to their request and made sure that its heard or responed to.
With their sons getting married they now have new "power" sharing authorities. This would have been almost same if the spouse was alive.. just that the husband would be able to calm their doubts down.
I will never understand the fetish for women to control everything.. they need to sit back and appreciate that their bahus are taking control of thing.. letting go of things is hard but necessary to move forward..
they were bahus themselves once.. so they should not forget that feeling..
It's not just about remembering what it felt like to be a bahu. As time goes by your POV becomes more conservative, and you feel that since you are older you should have more control, and that I find that reasonable. Unless the MIL is asking for something that is completely unacceptable.
I know what you are saying ansoon, but unfortunately, as they grow older, they become more rigid in their thoughts. Since we really cannot make them understand, there must be ways to make them feel more relaxed and "wanted."
I guess ever human being needs to feel appreciated, acknowledged and needed at any stage of life.
This reminds me of a very beloved family member,who after her husband's death is living with the only son and his family and unfortunately feels the same way....
btw I read a very nice book a few years ago about the same topic....sad part is I dont faintly remember the name or the author,but it was a really good read....
Nikki ... its a pretty good topic that you've brought up and something that i have seen creating some issues ... i have my dadi living with us for the past 8 months or so and since my mom can't really do much work around the house(cuz of her health issues) there hasn't really been the whole power sharing thing that you're mentioned but there is a potential of issues coming up ... one of the things that i have noticed personally is that these elder ladies want more to be involved than just see things around them happening ... like for example if you are planing on cookin something then just tellin that aunty/ammi i'm planing on makin xyz wat do u think or are u ok with it ... and i can bet you 9/10 times they'll say yes and your schedule is not gonna be essed and yet that just makes them feel alot important that their input is still appreciated ... another thing that i noticed is that with my dadi shez more open with me stying out late than my mom ... wat makes her really happy is if i tell her that dadi ammi i'm going out i'll be bak in xyz time and even if i take longer shez just happy that i cared enough to let her kno too along with my parents that i'm goin out and even if my parnets get upset that i'm late she tries to dissolve the situation ... or if i buy something i come bak and show it to her and ask her wat she thinks ... she might not like something i got but if i say that ahh dadi ammi i really like it but if u don't like it i'll go return it she won't let me return it but it just makes her so much more happier ... or lastly if i ask her once in a while dadi ammi yeh khane ka mood hai bana dein gi aap please and she'll be so happy that she is still useful around hte house and ppl actually want something from her ... or if i take her for a drive or if i'm goin to grab something quick i take her iwth me it just makes her day ... so basically wat i'm tryna say is that try to just make them more involved ... get their input on things ... i can bet u 9/10 times they are gonna go with wat ur saying and telling them is not gonna change any of your plans but just ask them in a way that makes them feel that their input is still required and it just makes it so much more easier
So lately I have been in the company of older widowed moms who are living with their sons. This is the common thought process of most of these ladies:
That they miss not having command over the new set up they are in.
It doesnt matter how good the son and daughter in law are, they wish they could get their life back where they were in charge and didnt have to adjust.
If given a chace, they would rather live alone than in the comfort of their son's home.
Now these ladies are not that old, they still have lots of energy and want to remain active. However, as they aren't used to the system around here and cannot drive or speak English, they do feel restricted and have limited options in terms of having a job or being part of a local social network.
Anyways, I understand the feeling as I was trying to put myself in their shoes. It must feel awful to all of a sudden not be the one making decisions on how the home should be run. On top of that, to adjust to a busy home where kids are running around and pretty much the entire house is controlled around the activities of the kids must be boring sometimes. Also, as everyone is busy with their schedules, these grandmas must feel lonely as well.
This is a pretty common scenario in our culture where parents move in with their kids in their older age, and it is especially tough on the the moms. How can we make their experience better given that ever child does try their best but obviously one has to look at a big picture.
Regarding the bit in red I do have sympathy for them but at the same time it really irks me how some women in these situations can live in a country for 30/40 years and not be bothered to learn to speak or read and write English (or whatever language the natives speak) or take driving lessons. Over here in the UK the 'I can't be bothered' attitude seems to be an acutely desi problem, some of these woman don't want to make any effort or adjustment at all which to me seems quite arrogant. We all have to learn to adjust to our surroundings.
Oh, and before someone says they're too old to change it's never to late to learn, they just don't want to.
Common in nondesi families too. It's part of aging. My parents refuse to live with me when they're older.
I wish men's mums were so considerate.
Men's mom and parents in general are their responsibility according to religion and desi social norms ... and I for one would like to fulfill my responsibilities or else another thread is gonna start how desi men are useless and do not fulfill their responsibilities
I personally think that when a guy builds a house, usually the wife has the authority over the house. For example, my dada built his house and my dadi ruled it, my dad built his house and my mom is the authority and now when my husband builds his house, I will be making decisions. My parents in laws will come live with me, so its my house and my rules. I think that's how it works. I don't not sharing the power is a good idea. Its wise to give everyone their space.
I agree with libranrulz's approach in this matter. I think it all comes down to respect and making other person feel their importance around the house. If older ladies feel they are restricted, that's also due to the change of lifestyle. Not just that they really are told what to do but .... even when they can do everything.. what will they do. They can't go out, can't speak English. That's no one's fault. Its just a huge change of everything. They should adjust to the new lifestyle and do things that keeps them busy here.
I have this issue with my own mom. She is 70 years old and has spent 47 of those years running a household and being independent. When mmydad passed, all 3 of us kids wanted her to live with us. Her response was"no way, no how". She went so far as to document her wishes with an attorney just in case.
She is a capable and very independent woman who would sincerely prefer to be placed in a state-run home rather than "impose" on her children. Me? I feel exactly the same way - NEVER would I impose on my boys who I'm raising to go out on their own...yet when it comes to my mom, I'm a hypocrite because I want to take care of her!
We've seen so many western-bashing threads about kids who "dump" their parents in their old age...and thats really not the case. Independence is such a highy valued trait that its really ingrained and not an option to "impose" on anyone else.
oops...I forgot to add how to help make things better. Inthe cases where the moms are "allowed" to remain independent...I call her every morning at the same time. I know her neighbors phone numbers so if she doesnt answer, I can have them check on her. I visit as often as possible (she lives 12 hours away by car) and when I do, I change the batteries in her smoke and gas alarms, light bulbs in outside lights, make any minor repairs that I can, balance her checkbook, file her papers.
Ithink if you have a mom who has been co-erced into an extended family arrangement, it willbe tougher to make things easier for her but it surely can be done. Make sure she is as independent as possible. Give her complete control over her own life, what she eats, where she goes, if she wants to shop for and cook her own food or make meals for the family, let her. The more independent she feels, the happier she'll be.
Nikki ... its a pretty good topic that you've brought up and something that i have seen creating some issues ... i have my dadi living with us for the past 8 months or so and since my mom can't really do much work around the house(cuz of her health issues) there hasn't really been the whole power sharing thing that you're mentioned but there is a potential of issues coming up ... one of the things that i have noticed personally is that these elder ladies want more to be involved than just see things around them happening ... like for example if you are planing on cookin something then just tellin that aunty/ammi i'm planing on makin xyz wat do u think or are u ok with it ... and i can bet you 9/10 times they'll say yes and your schedule is not gonna be essed and yet that just makes them feel alot important that their input is still appreciated ... another thing that i noticed is that with my dadi shez more open with me stying out late than my mom ... wat makes her really happy is if i tell her that dadi ammi i'm going out i'll be bak in xyz time and even if i take longer shez just happy that i cared enough to let her kno too along with my parents that i'm goin out and even if my parnets get upset that i'm late she tries to dissolve the situation ... or if i buy something i come bak and show it to her and ask her wat she thinks ... she might not like something i got but if i say that ahh dadi ammi i really like it but if u don't like it i'll go return it she won't let me return it but it just makes her so much more happier ... or lastly if i ask her once in a while dadi ammi yeh khane ka mood hai bana dein gi aap please and she'll be so happy that she is still useful around hte house and ppl actually want something from her ... or if i take her for a drive or if i'm goin to grab something quick i take her iwth me it just makes her day ... so basically wat i'm tryna say is that try to just make them more involved ... get their input on things ... i can bet u 9/10 times they are gonna go with wat ur saying and telling them is not gonna change any of your plans but just ask them in a way that makes them feel that their input is still required and it just makes it so much more easier
MashAllah you have such a precious relationship with your dadi! Very good advice as well!
My youngest sister has made it very clear to all of us that she will never get married, she will adopt children, and she will stay at home to take care of mum n dad…
