Hey Nadz! Let me tell you the other side of the story. I have a very friendly & strong bond with my brother too. We have many things in common and have lots of fun and cute bro-sis times when we are together. I too had the insecurity that what if my bhabi to be comes out different and doesnt really let me spend time with him or maybe would alter my relation with her. But no! what she did, and i salute her for this, was she made me her best friend. She did everything possible to let things as they were. She would go shopping with me, ask me for an opinion on every single cloth she would wear, what jewellery to go with which dress, before going for the honeymoon she and i both sat down and decided her clothes for each of the 10 days, we selected wedding photographs together, we bopught gifts for my brother together, we cooked together, I even cleaned her room with her, if my brother was out of city i would sleep with her and we would talk all night, we sms each other every single day. She made sure I was given the priority. If ever i wanted something, she made sure my brother got it. E.g. i wanted to change my mobile and i just said it once but she kept pinging my brother for it till he got it for me. When he and i were together, we would have our cute bro-sis talks & cuddles and just sweet stuff. She never made faces, instead she became part of them. She started participating in those jokes, laughing on them etc. She takes pictures with us, kisses, cuddles all that like she would do to any of her own siblings. Masha Allah
The key was - she participated in every single thing of the house! she gave my parents time, she made them tea, food what ever, she talked to them, she discussed clothes or other family stuff with my mother. In no time, she took our love! Now we cant imagine the house without her. I dont know when my someone-i-merely-knew became my bhabi then my friend and now my sister. Masha Allah! Masha Allah! My famiyl is great to her but i'd give more credit to her for working hard on her relationships. Never has there been a day she complained. She took control over everything by showing interest. This is just an example you can learn from.
I think you have to work hard on your relation with your nand and your parents-in-law. From what i am seeing fromyour threads is that you arent really doing anything extra that would make you part of the gang. Suggest things like - aunty chalain aj hum donone shopping chalte hain, aunty aj nameyourbaby did this cute thing, with your nund talk about her interests.. if its make up tell her good brands, good stuff, show her your clothes etc. This way you willa ctually have more people to talk to and enjoy with. You wouldnt be complaining all the time, plus you wouldnt even make your husband go crazy. Try and take initiatives and dont hesitate too much. Your marriage has already been for quite a while that they would judge you much for what you are doing so just go ahead do stuff - Cook! talk! Discuss! shop! watch movies! do everything with your in-laws.
I <3 this post....this is such a huge lesson to bahus and bahus to be on how to behave.....do not show hostility from day 1....
I do feel sorry for you that your living in a place that's not your own territory as such. Ideally we are different people when we are living alone with our spouses, I bet he felt a tab bit of what you are feeling when you guys lived at your mums?
Thing is, try and encourage him to come back in a few years for your kids education etc. Also get your own life and friends so that your not crazy dependant on him. Are you allowed to drive etc? Work? I mean you have a masters from the UK, that's gotta count for something. Focus on getting a good job somewhere so that you have something to do. The devil plays with the idle mind, you have literally no life, no social life and nothing to look forward to that's why you are hating it there and I don't blame you.
I'm sure there are female gyms there, I mean my idea of Pak is, it's pretty liberal and when I go, I can pretty much do everything I do here in the UK.
Also, don't fall over your feet to please people, do as much as they do...just don't tell your husband off about how he is with his sister as that would piss anyone off....be it husband or wife...
I agree that is rude, they should have asked if you wanted milkshake too.
Nadz you are going to have to face facts, they don't like you. You can't control their behaviour you can only control your own, yes it is mean for them to block you out but why can't you get a life of your own that does not revlove around been accepted by them. Be a bit selfless, be nice to them and expect nothing in return, find your own happyness.
Get out there and establish yourself as an independent women responsible for your own happyness.
You could learn to sew and start a home business selling suits, that way you could meet lots of new women.
Tutor local children in your area in English, you could pick up lots of pushtu from the children too.
The truth is Nadz if you were happy within yourself nothing your mil or sil does would affect you.
This.
if they want to act this way, let them...in the end it will be their problem. Dont make it yours. Even if its partially fake, be happy and confident, be good to them and especially yourself. This sounds stupid, but please try it. Anytime they do something rude like the milkshake thing, smile. Seriously, sit there and smile to yourself.
Because if you keep letting their behaviour affect you like this, it will ruin your relationship with your husband. TRY to find something out of the house you can be involved in, or take some online classes..anything!! And dont show them that their behaviour is affecting you in any way. Seriously, be more confident from now on, you derserve respect from them, and if they are unwilling to give it to you, then its their loss!
Ok spke to hubby last nite just made things worse. He did try to explain things to me he was assuming a defence for them but then said he wasn't defending them I told him about thje milkshake thing he said oh its not like that they dnt mean this or that he doesn't get it at all. In the end I got frustrated so did he. I went into another conversation about hje doesn't spend enuff time with me hwo he doesn't care after disagreeing with everything I said he said just turn around and go slp I had enuff, this prompted a new wave of tears from me. He went to slp. Dnt know wat to do reall_.
nadz, if you knew your MIL was not happy with your marriage, you should have been mentally prepared for everything you have been going through. Frankly, your MIL and SIL could have been worse. They might just be ignoring you but they could have been making your life worse with much more tactics you cannot imagine now. Try to get yourself adjusted with whatever they are doing to you now and for this you will need to ignore many things. Milkshake incident was very rude to you but you could have nipped it in the bud by saying something like 'oh Milkshake, what a good idea. Chalo mil ker banaty hain'. You could have helped your SIL with this. This was the only way you could have made them realise that you DO NOT want to be ignored and you want to be part of the family even when your husband and FIL are not around.
Stop complaining to your husband. Try to take handle your own issues with your MIL and SIL and try to be polite and participative in everything they are doing.
this is what i was asking you NOT to do... the way i was trying to bring about the change would have been slow but it would work...
what you're doing is only going to cause him to get more more on the defensive and more and more annoyed with you.
I felt like you had started to do well until you "spoke to hubby"... :| BLAST i wish you hadnt done that... can you go back to trying to make friends with MIL and SIL ... just dont complain to him ...only show him that you're making efforts to bridge the gap between you and MIL/SIL trust me he will come around but he will never ever ever believe that his mom and sis are deliberately not giving you milkshake (or whatever else they do to make u feel left out) however he will appreciate you for your efforts ...if u try to make him "see" how his Mom and sis are with u that will only cause a wider rift between u and him
but u trying to make friends with mom and sis will bridge watever tiny "gap" the both of you have amongst urselves (u and ur hubby)
Ok spke to hubby last nite just made things worse. He did try to explain things to me he was assuming a defence for them but then said he wasn't defending them I told him about thje milkshake thing he said oh its not like that they dnt mean this or that he doesn't get it at all. In the end I got frustrated so did he. I went into another conversation about hje doesn't spend enuff time with me hwo he doesn't care after disagreeing with everything I said he said just turn around and go slp I had enuff, this prompted a new wave of tears from me. He went to slp. Dnt know wat to do reall_.
Last nite made things worse hubby doesn't understand at all first he defends thheir actions then says he's not defending them. He tried to xplain but lost it in the end and told me to go slp. He doesn't understand at all, if I tell him ur mum did this or that he now says to mein kya lkaru khud tum bolo I even said to him I feel alone and u never giv me time here after saying ok I will he tried to xplain to me that in ukl we were living with my mum so its ok for us to go out alone and eat here mahol is different u can't just go out and eat and if u want to then u tell parents we r goin out etc he made a big deal out of me wanting to with him to eat alone I didn't get it, he got frustrated I started crying and he went to slp. I feel lousy today and seeing him chat to his sister normally means he doesn't care about me at all.
Hey nadz, I do sympathise with you on this. my MIL sounds very similar. I'm glad I don't have a SIL, otherwise I think we would not have lasted. It was a long time before we were married and she did everything she could to break us up, which I won't go into here. Then there were small things which reading your posts reminds me of. Like saying stuff about my mum all the time which would incense me - even in front of other people. The only thing that kept me calm was that those people knew my mum/of my mum so MIL was just making herself look silly. I would take her gifts and any requests. Forget about anything in return, I wouldn't even get a thank you.
We only went out once for dinner alone, when they were were also out with friends. Any other time my husband told me it was not nice to leave them alone and go out, so fair enough. I know it's completely different here in terms of freedom. I think it's something that may come in time for you if you work on it. With my BIL, I saw that he and his wife were encouraged to go out. One thing I did do in that time was to be friendly with all her friends. When anyone came over for tea, I would make a point of doing all the work so my MIL could relax with the guests. After I came back to the UK I heard they were all saying really nice things about me so it didn't give my MIL a chance to make any complaints.
I agree with the other posters. The thing that got me through, I believe, is that I never changed my attitude with her. Ok, we had our ups and downs and some times I could not bear to be in the same room as her but I never stopped sending gifts or helping her when I was there. One of her complaints was that she can't talk to me because I can't speak the language, when really she would never give me a chance. So I learnt more Urdu and started speaking it with my FIL too, with whom I previously spoke English with. Then my FIL would be like 'her urdu is good now, there's no problem', so it's not something she could use as an excuse. Now she talks with me on the phone for quite a bit and actually sounds happy. I had previously stopped sending her fabric or requests for outfits as she'd always ruin them (when her own stuff was perfect) which just made me upset and frustrated. But I tried again after my husband moved here and wrote her a letter praising her taste and please make me something nice. It worked! Maybe it's because her son is with me now, so I will really see next time I go to Pak but personally I feel that she has finally accepted me. Because just like before the clear dislike was in all the little things, now the affection is in all the little things.
No one can tell you what individual things to do, you just need to use your common sense. Don't keep saying things to your husband or you will lose his support! Closeness is in more than just going out for dinner alone and you will lose that if you push him away.
Hubby doesn't care he defends them then says he's not defneding themm he tried to explain how mahol here is diffrent so we ca just go out wenever we want. Wtf jhje said we hav to tell them beforehand etc etc I jsut asked why hje didn't giv me time here he did say ok he will but why do I hjav to ask for everythin even his time? I told him about the milkshake thing. Anyway in the end he got tired of expaining and told me to slp I started crying he just went slp. Now today he's not talkn but he's laughn jokin with his sister. Means he dnt care.
Why are you crying all the time nadz? You are trying to paint your husband as the bad guy but no one is buying that. Maybe it's time to consider that you may be the problem, I mentioned post natel depression and you said no, maybe it's another form of depression. All I know that if I was a man and my wife kept crying about the most mundane issues I would have sent you back home by now.
Last nite told hubby wat happened and he tried to defend them and says he's not defending them! Then I said to him his mum and sis r diffrent when he's not around he tried to explain assume innocence on their part, I have other minor issues with him woich in thje end he got angry and told me to slp I started crying hje went to slp.
He is being inconsiderate and he should realise how your feeling. You obviously need to express how you feel so I suggest you write all your feelings and thoughts down and give them to him and let him realise how you feel.
He is being inconsiderate and he should realise how your feeling. You obviously need to express how you feel so I suggest you write all your feelings and thoughts down and give them to him and let him realise how you feel.
That is the worst idea, all she is ever does is complain to him. I think the poor guys is sick of hearing her moan, putting her complaints in writing is only adding fuel to the fire.
Nadz, it seems you are not really taking any advice that people are giving and you are making the situation worse. Please consider for one moment that YOU are the problem. Do a 'split test' crying and nagging has yielded zero results so far, how about trying to ignore everything and keep your mouth shut for just 3 days, see if that will yield more favourable results.
Ok spke to hubby last nite just made things worse. He did try to explain things to me he was assuming a defence for them but then said he wasn't defending them I told him about thje milkshake thing he said oh its not like that they dnt mean this or that he doesn't get it at all. In the end I got frustrated so did he. I went into another conversation about hje doesn't spend enuff time with me hwo he doesn't care after disagreeing with everything I said he said just turn around and go slp I had enuff, this prompted a new wave of tears from me. He went to slp. Dnt know wat to do reall_.
Last nite made things worse hubby doesn't understand at all first he defends thheir actions then says he's not defending them. He tried to xplain but lost it in the end and told me to go slp. He doesn't understand at all, if I tell him ur mum did this or that he now says to mein kya lkaru khud tum bolo I even said to him I feel alone and u never giv me time here after saying ok I will he tried to xplain to me that in ukl we were living with my mum so its ok for us to go out alone and eat here mahol is different u can't just go out and eat and if u want to then u tell parents we r goin out etc he made a big deal out of me wanting to with him to eat alone I didn't get it, he got frustrated I started crying and he went to slp. I feel lousy today and seeing him chat to his sister normally means he doesn't care about me at all.
Hubby doesn't care he defends them then says he's not defneding themm he tried to explain how mahol here is diffrent so we ca just go out wenever we want. Wtf jhje said we hav to tell them beforehand etc etc I jsut asked why hje didn't giv me time here he did say ok he will but why do I hjav to ask for everythin even his time? I told him about the milkshake thing. Anyway in the end he got tired of expaining and told me to slp I started crying he just went slp. Now today he's not talkn but he's laughn jokin with his sister. Means he dnt care.
Last nite told hubby wat happened and he tried to defend them and says he's not defending them! Then I said to him his mum and sis r diffrent when he's not around he tried to explain assume innocence on their part, I have other minor issues with him woich in thje end he got angry and told me to slp I started crying hje went to slp.
Okay now really why are you posting almsot the same thing 4 times?