Re: Stealing from husband's money !
WoW, I dont know what to say ..... :-(
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
It sucks when parhay likhay professionals resort to such behaviour! Any rational Muslim man knows that the house and kids are financially his responsibility.
That said, proto please know that you are incredible, independent and a woman full of patience in a situation like this! In the coming years your kids would be proud of how their mother raised them almost on her own.
Re: Stealing from husband’s money !
Proto: 
I have no idea how you put up with it. Unfortunately I don’t think your hubby is going to change. From what you’ve written so far, looks like he learned some pretty messed up “values” by watching his own family. And given the fact that it’s already been 6 years into your marriage …I don’t think this is going to change anytime soon…if ever. 
As others have mentioned already, I think you need to stop sharing what you earn with him. You also need to plan your future AS IF you are a single mother…b/c financially, this situation wouldn’t be any different if that was the case. You need to use your income/investments to save for your own retirement, kids future education, emergencies etc. Thus, you need to stop buying gifts for HIS family! :nono: Come up with whatever excuse you need to come up with. But your own financial security and your children need to be #1 on your priority…b/c clearly your husband isn’t too concerned with you guys. I understand that you feel bad b/c your MIL/SIL exchange gifts…but as an adult woman who’s solely responsible for her financial future and that of her kids, you need to get over it. You have more important things to worry about than keeping a chummy relationship with your MIL/SIL.
As for the food at home issue…no…you can’t and should not cook separately. But I would make nothing but daal for the hubby. With luxury items like mutton/chicken/mithai etc…just buy and cook enough for yourself and the kids. So by the time he gets home from work…all meat is finished. And IF he asks…don’t hesitate to say that you only had enough money to buy X amount of meat and that meat was just enough for the kids (no need to volunteer that you ate it too). And on weekends or on days when he’s off work…cook only veggies.
Clearly he’s still getting everything he wants (greats meals at home, HIS family gets gifts etc.) so this situation isn’t causing HIM any distress. So you need to stop spending YOUR money to keep him comfortable.. As for eating out…are you paying when you take the kids out? Or are you paying when your hubby takes you/kids out? Also, it doesn’t sound like you’ll get much support from his family regarding this…what about talking to a local imam or religious figure? Would that help at all you think?
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
after you do all of that, he will tell you a number.
but how would you know that is correct? :P
Stealing from husband's money !
If he is not providing for the family then you have a right not to cooperate with him on anything. He has no right to ask you to spend a penny islamically, so tighten your purse where you can and get your hands on his bank statements to see the incomings and outgoings yourself.
Re: Stealing from husband’s money !
thanks a lot for your concern … like you can sense, I’ve given up after trying everything and have now accepted it as a part of fate and try to move on telling myself positive things and staying a happy mom for my kids Alhamdulillah.
so that means I am the only chor here ??? 
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
I missssss being a chor pre-marriage when my dad and mom never had any issues with their kids taking money from their wallets! :(
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
I don't think stealing is the best solution (maybe just a temporary one).
His behavior is so unnatural and abnormal to me I can't imagine how you can accept it for even one year nevermind 6 or 7 yrs of marriage like this!
Does his approach towards kids ever change depending on situation/cicumstance? For example, do kids get moti eiidi on eid day from him or is it just a small amount equivalent to what he gives all other kids in family? Does he contribute more or less than the 30% depending on what month? For example, ramzan month or summer vs winter months due to changes in heating and electricity bills. What about if you are sick sick sick and can't work for a while or if its the opposite where you just made a huge sum of money due to bonus or whatever.
I guess the question I want answered is this: is he just cheap in money matters and feels that you should run the house with minimal fazool karchi? that might not be such a bad thing. or is it a much bigger problem of him feeling no empathy for you or kids which honestly might require some therapist visits or atleast a very well planned out intervention on your and the kids' part.
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
I was in that situation for a few months once. I was earning more than him and he was sending most of his money back home to his family. I kept telling him to send them a fixed amount each month but they used to keep demanding more and he used to keep sending. I put my foot down at that point and told him that we would have to split expenses. 50% of everything was his responsibility. That left him with barely any money to send back home and nothing left to spend on himself. Now we have a fixed amount that he sends back home and the rest gets put in our joint account. Unfortunately your situation is different. You can't take any drastic measures because you have kids involved. The best you could do is hide most of your income and keep telling him that your business isn't doing too well. If you are eating out or buying anything new or even gift giving, do it in secret. Hopefully he'll see that you don't have much to spend and start contributing more.
Stealing from husband's money !
You're spoiling him. It's every man's responsibility to run the household and contribute 100%! It's a different story if the husband is working really hard and still not able to make ends meet but to give only a fixed amount and put away the rest is absurd!!
You need to make him realize it's his responsibility to run the household. Stop contributing! Just tell him your business isn't doing well. It's being a little dishonest but you have to put your foot down and be assertive for your sake and your children's sake. And if you haven't already, please start a savings fund for yourself and don't let him know of it.
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
biwi say kuch chupaana pakistan main bohot asaan hai... bahir kay mulqooN main nahi.... issiliye bahir kay husband biwi per trust kernay per majboor hain.. :-P
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
This is rough. :(
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
wow, so sad indeed.
esp given the fact that from his jobs you KNOW he makes a lot of money!
may Allah swt help you and may your sons be your right and left hand in times of need!
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
I really want to be a chor but he never has cash on him. I have tried a few times by looking into his wallet but he never has anything. Plus I am terrified that he will find out. He knows every dollar he has in his wallet. Sometimes he even knows how many quarters he has in his pocket. But I bought him a piggy back to put his change in. I sometimes put pennies in it and take out the quarters. OMG! I feel like a terrible person admitting all of this.
My hubby gives all of his money to his parents which leaves us with nothing. Its been going on since I got married (a year and a half ago). We recently moved in with my mom and he contributes nothing at all here and gives all his money to his parents. He told me he would pay for everything once we get our own apartment. But later he decided on splitting the bills 50-50 when we get out own apartment. But now he agreed to me paying 500$ per month and him covering rest of the bills.
When I am stressed about paying for college, he says he will pay for stuff when I need it. But he knows I have 10,000$ saved because I put it in our joint account when we first got married because I didn't know things would turn out like this. He also borrowed a huge sum of money from me that he let his brother borrow from him about three years ago (before we got married). He never asked his brother to pay him back and he pays me back when he gets tax return. He still owes me 5000$. He was planning on letting his brother keep the money but now hubby wants a new car. He only has a few hundred in his account so he decided that he will take the money back from his brother and borrow the rest from me.
I have another account which has only 500$ but he keeps telling me to close that account and put all the money in the joint account. Idk. I want to remove his name from the joint account but I am waiting for this year's tax return to do so. Even then, it would be very hard to hide that money from him. I want to tell him that I have no money so he would take more responsibility for me. :(
My mom tells me to tell him that I paid back my student loan with my savings… then I can tell him I have no money but I don't want to fight about it with him
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
It doesn't happen only in Pakistan. Happens here too in the US too. My husband also only gives a fixed cash amount and though we do have a joint account, I can't just go ahead and take money out from there. Even if I write a check of $10 for something, I usually have to get it pre approved or tell him immediately about it.
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
I am just so sad after reading this entry :(
Re: Stealing from husband’s money !
If you have a separate account in your name ONLY with $500 in it…why don’t you take out the $10,000 from the joint account and put it in that account? 
Also, is he going to agree to having his name taken off the joint account? B/C you can’t just take his name off unless he agrees to it.
I understand that fighting with your spouse sucks…but don’t you think you should stand up and do everything possible to secure your own financial future? B/C God forbid something happens to you tomorrow…your husband certainly isn’t in a position to take care of you (and unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like he really cares about this either).
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
It doesn't happen only in Pakistan. Happens here too in the US too. My husband also only gives a fixed cash amount and though we do have a joint account, I can't just go ahead and take money out from there. Even if I write a check of $10 for something, I usually have to get it pre approved or tell him immediately about it.
And this is why my parents always taught me to stand on my own two feet and never quit my job... but then again my fiancee would never treat me like a kid with an allowance.
If it's joint, does he have to get approval from you as well to withdraw?
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
And this is why my parents always taught me to stand on my own two feet and never quit my job... but then again my fiancee would never treat me like a kid with an allowance.
If it's joint, does he have to get approval from you as well to withdraw?
You never know how one spouse changes after marriage. your future husband can demand that your earnings be put in a joint account, or that you pay for your things, he will pay for his. Sadly, it happens all the time.
Many husbands/wives believe their spouse would/could never treat them in such a manner, no matter how well you know them.
In answer to your question, no, one does not have to get approval from the other party in order to withdraw from a joint account.
Re: Stealing from husband's money !
And this is why my parents always taught me to stand on my own two feet and never quit my job... but then again my fiancee would never treat me like a kid with an allowance.
Have you and fiance already discussed how finances will work after marriage?