Re: So Very Confused!
Read the rest of my post!
I did. I'd be willing to forgive him. Even God forgives, who am I to not.
Re: So Very Confused!
I'd go with Sara's advice
Re: So Very Confused!
Yeah but the thing is WHAT IF HE IS LYING about these things to get me to back off? What if he really didn't do them?
You're contradicting yourself. You just replied to my post that it's possible that he could be telling the truth. You seem like you're not sure as to what's going on. I would suggest that you ask your mom than to ask random people on this forum.
Re: So Very Confused!
You're contradicting yourself. You just replied to my post that it's possible that he could be telling the truth. You seem like you're not sure as to what's going on. I would suggest that you ask your mom than to ask random people on this forum.
A lot of people ask for advice, so why can't I do the same? Anyways, should I talk to my mom first or clear things up with him first?
Re: So Very Confused!
A lot of people ask for advice, so why can't I do the same? Anyways, should I talk to my mom first or clear things up with him first?
Listen, you're on the verge of making a mistake. He's clearly telling you all of this and there is a reason behind it. If he truly wanted to marry you then he wouldn't tell all of this to you. This has seriously disturbed you and he knows that, perhaps he wants you to be doubtful about him. Ask yourself, if you wanted to marry someone and genuinely liked someone would you tell all the gritty details of your past that would jeopardize your relationship? You wouldn't tell them that but you would improve yourself and hope for the best in the future. It bothers me that he is telling you all of this. He has no remorse that what he's telling you could disturb you. He has no care for your feelings. He doesn't think twice that what would be going in your heart, the pain the sorrow upon knowing that he slept with multiple girls. That he smokes and drinks, he seems very self centered and if you do decide to marry him he'll probably care about himself more than you. You have to discuss this with your parents, you cannot risk your entire life just because of their "Happiness". Did his confession come as if he's trying to improve himself or does he still do it? How do you know if he still doesn't do it? How do you know if he's going to stop doing all of these things? You're only 19 and you have your whole life ahead of you. You have to choose wisely.
Re: So Very Confused!
I did. I'd be willing to forgive him. Even God forgives, who am I to not.
God forgive those who truly ask for forgiveness and that matter is only with Allah and the sinner. You cannot know anyone's true intention.
Re: So Very Confused!
I'd go with Sara's advice.
Secondly, you stated that he says "oh, if someone tells you something, you believe them." So does that mean that if someone told him that you're an ax murderer, he would believe them? He sounds naive, immature, and completely devoid of any common sense and frankly, not ready for marriage to anyone.
Re: So Very Confused!
Yeah but the thing is WHAT IF HE IS LYING about these things to get me to back off? What if he really didn't do them?
Okay so maybe he's lying? Is that any better? This guy is willing to make up CRAZY lies (sleeping with girls while he's engaged, drinking, etc) to GET YOU OFF HIS BACK...that should be enough for you to want to end this, don't you think? Either way, he has no respect for you because he's either been gallavanting around while he's been engaged to you or he's making up lies to manipulate you into breaking the rishta. Is that a relationship that you think is based on trust and love and respect???
I did. I'd be willing to forgive him. Even God forgives, who am I to not.
So you're telling me that all of his other sketchy behavior aside and disrespect for you, if a guy told you that he had slept with 2 other girls while he was engaged to you, that WOULDN'T be a deal-breaker for you?
A lot of people ask for advice, so why can't I do the same? Anyways, should I talk to my mom first or clear things up with him first?
Talk to your mom. what are you gonna try to clear up with him?? You know he's a liar at best and someone most likely lacking any sort of moral compass or hayaa.
Re: So Very Confused!
If you really want to test him, do an experiment with him. Stop talking to him for a bit, pretend that you've lost all interest in him and that you'll talk to your mom about canceling the rishta. If he's truly interested in you he'll reach out to you and try to stop you and show interest. If he's not then he'll back away and say "Ok if that's your wish". If he says the latter than you'll know he's full of it.
Re: So Very Confused!
Another thing he had said was that he told all of his friends about me and his cousins as well. Now if he wants me to break the relation, wouldn't he care about his izzat in front of his friends, and cousins?
Been there, done that. What you are basically doing is trying reaaaaalllly hard to find something in his words that would be a 'sign' that he likes/loves/cares or enamored with you. Something that would justify you hanging on to him. It shouldn't have to be in this hard, OP, not even in a long-distance relationship.
You are wondering if he cares about izzat in front of his cousins and friends. You're looking too far. You need to look closer to home. He doesn't seem to care about his izzat in front of his own family. He knows that if you tell your parents, he will lose his izzat in his family's eyes....friends to door ki baat hai. Now apart from his own izzat, he doesn't seem to care much about his family's izzat given the things he's done. And if the girls he slept with were deceived ...as in he made it seem he'd commit to them...he didn't care about their izzat either though the girls are partly at fault too.
Yeah but the thing is WHAT IF HE IS LYING about these things to get me to back off? What if he really didn't do them?
That still isn't enough to make him a keeper. And if he's lying, I'm afraid he's scheming skills are poor.
Re: So Very Confused!
Yeah but the thing is WHAT IF HE IS LYING about these things to get me to back off? What if he really didn't do them?
Who cares?!?!
He's lying, he's telling the truth. Doesn't matter. Fact is, he doesn't want to marry you. He's not going to say it outright and in your face like, by saying "goinginsane, I dont want to marry you". He's already SAID it by saying he was TOLD to marry you, so he's going along with it. Now he wants to YOU to do the dirty deed.
Go tell your mom. Before things get worse, before you actually truly start to believe his lies, go tell your mom exactly what he told you.
Re: So Very Confused!
So I’ve been engaged to my cousin for a year.....After talking more I asked him what exactly, and he said smoking, weed, beer, clubbing, and girlfriends, including sex with 2 of them on a regular basis while KNOWING he engaged to me.
Bounce this guy immediately. And tell your parents, diplomatically if you must.
This is not a man you spend your life with. Dity habits like weed, and especially no inhibition towards relationships with women outside marriage - these things aren't magically disappeared by marriage.
Also: he does not much respect for you having done this, and is further clearly doubtful about the marriage.
Bounce him NOW. Godspeed.
Re: So Very Confused!
I get the feeling that you're not taking anyone's advice seriously, but still, if I were stuck in your situation, this is what I would do..:
I'd have a chat with my Mum. Completely casual, and absolutely no need to give The Boy any advance notice at all.
I'd say something like "Mum, would you be OK with me getting married to someone who's failed a university exam? It might not be the guy's own fault. There are lots of distractions for students nowadays. What if the guy was really nice? But what if he did drugs? It doesn't sound like he';; be able to get a very good job in the future, but you never know, he could get lucky and sort himself out in a couple years." and I'd let her think about it.
Then I'd ask "What do you think about people who have boyfriends and girlfriends before they get married? I don't think it's too bad. But what if someone cheated on his fiance and had a girlfriend at the same time? It doesn't sound like he has any morals or decency, but you never know. Would it be OK if he came from a good family background? What do you think?"
And obviously no one's mother is a fool. She'd know something was up. Then, I would explan all the details from the chat between you and yourlow-life fiance. I'd sum it by saying "the boy sounds like the worst match possible. I don't want to get married to a cheating drug user who has no manners and can't even speak to me pleasantly. But it's your choice. If you think I deserve a husband like that, then don't do anything. If you think I deserve a better life than that, please break it off."
Re: So Very Confused!
Girl, break this mangni off. He sounds horrid, no offense.
Re: So Very Confused!
I'm starting to get the fact that he maybe does want to marry me but would rather marry his other cousin so he wants ME to back off so he seems good in front of his parents. Now my question is should I talk to my mom about this first or should I clear the drama up with him first and then tell my mom?
How would he had approached it differently? First he asked me whether or not I was forced or not and I said no I wasn't. Then he told me he failed and I asked how. He didn;t want to tell me, but I got it out of him. Like he said I did drugs, beer, cigarettes, blah blah, girlfriends...I was the one who asked how many and how far he had gone w them.
A) a guy who knows he's engaged to someone doesn't sleep around and if he does he's definitely not as nonchalant about it as he sounds. Being honest and being indifferent are different and should never be confused. He didn't do you a favor by telling you all of this - remember - it was your right to know so don't turn him into a saint in your head for opening up. He owes it to you.
B) get off the forums...go talk to your mother about him now. You're 19...when you're not experienced enough to be a good judge of character - you speak to your parents and let them guide you. I'd hold off on anymore conversations for the time being with him...the priority should be to find out if you and your family still want to accept this rishta.
Re: So Very Confused!
A) a guy who knows he's engaged to someone doesn't sleep around and if he does he's definitely not as nonchalant about it as he sounds. Being honest and being indifferent are different and should never be confused. He didn't do you a favor by telling you all of this - remember - it was your right to know so don't turn him into a saint in your head for opening up. He owes it to you.
B) get off the forums...go talk to your mother about him now. You're 19...when you're not experienced enough to be a good judge of character - you speak to your parents and let them guide you. I'd hold off on anymore conversations for the time being with him...the priority should be to find out if you and your family still want to accept this rishta.
Read this over and over again OP. And follow through. This guy isn't worth your time. And even though you might be worried about your parents' reaction, you can be sure that they're reaction will be 897398x less if this ends horribly later down the line when you're married and it's disclosed that you knew of this guy's disgusting behavior.
Re: So Very Confused!
So point of this thread is that if he thinks you are pretty or not ??
Re: So Very Confused!
Make him to repeat all his confessions, record them and then tell him about the recording and that you are going to present this recording to your and his parents. Record his reaction as well. Then upload it on youtube with his name and particulars/ show your parents and let them decide.
Make him to repeat all his confessions, record them and then tell him about the recording and that you are going to present this recording to your and his parents. Record his reaction as well. Then upload it on youtube with his name and particulars/ show your parents and let them decide.
You sir, are a genius.
Re: So Very Confused!
I don't think he utterly hates me. I feel as if I am the second option.
Well, to put your mind at ease he would have tried to sleep with you if he lived nearby. I don't think he's picky.