Re: So Very Confused!
Sounds like my story.
Re: So Very Confused!
That's the thing. I don't know if I'm in love. My heart says yes to him, but my mind is saying something else.
Between heart and mind, always pick mind. Always. You will be happier.
Re: So Very Confused!
after such a long time I heard the word ‘bonga’. Brought back memories !!!:k:
Re: So Very Confused!
call him and sternly tell him
'mujhpe ek ehsan karna..keh mujhpe koi ehsan na karna'
he is a drama queen..so whyy cant you?
set him free in style.
Re: So Very Confused!
dump him, dump him, dump him ...
Re: So Very Confused!
I get what you're saying but do you think he did these things? Like why would he ruin his izzat in front of me, you know? What if I told my parents? He is my dad's nephew, wouldn't he care about what my dad would think about him? I mean I asked him why he failed and what bad things he did? First he said cigs, weed, beer, blah blah, but when he got to the girlfriend part... he just said I had girlfriends. I was the the one who asked how many and how far he went with them. He didn't say it first. He said that I deserve to know and it was his right as a human being to tell me. But I'm thinking that what if he is faking all of this bad stuff just so I can tell my parents that I dont want to marry him, and that would allow him to marry his other cousin? I don't know ugh
I really really understand what Reha is saying. But, why would he ask me if I was okay with marrying him and whether or not I wasn't forced?
I don't think you're trolling.
I do think you know this is a bad choice for you and that's why you're posting. You have warning bells going off inside you right now but you're not sure of yourself so you keep questioning your gut.
Don't.
This man - if he really wanted to marry you - would have approached this very differently if he was sincere. I believe he is giving you reasons to leave him because he is not brave enough to stand up to his own father. He wants you to freak out and walk away.
YOu don't talk about sex, drugs and alcohol with your future spouse, tell them you fell in love with someone else, not sure if you were engaged to that someone else, all sorts of nonsense...he is playing with your head.
I know this is hard to swallow because we're talking about your entire life here. But you also need to realize that you're talking about your ENTIRE life here. Seek advice from your parents - even if they get angry with you - at the end they will be happy you came to them with this issue.
Re: So Very Confused!
That's the thing. I don't know if I'm in love. My heart says yes to him, but my mind is saying something else.
I'm going to be as kind as possible when I say......
your heart doesn't know jack.
You're 19, very trusting of others, and it seems like you come from a very conservative background (seeing as how you're not even allowed to speak to your fiance and you are doing it secretly), which is usually synonymous with being sheltered and, yes, naive. In matters like this, the heart is NOT going to be right. The best thing Ic an tell you is listen to your mind/TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.
But he said he has no issues marrying me?
That is true, but the way he says he won't do it again and the fact that he has said sorry so many times, gets me. I don't know if he loves me, but they say Allah adds love after nikkah, so maybe the love will grow? I don't live in Pakistan. I live in the states but he lives there, but currently studies abroad . We can't get married for another 3 years cause I decided to do my bachelors, and I wasn't planning to before. So I got engaged last year thinking we were gonna get married since I thought I was done w school but decided to continue further studies, so couldn't get married. I don't know I just trust people easily, and that's kind of the main problem here...
Yes, love grows.....but you hvae to have a foundation of respect and like each other to some degree. It does NOT mean that two people can have utter contempt for each other and suddenly fall in love--that's not Islam, that's bollywood....NOT real life.
As for why he keeps saying he has no issues marrying you--he's being manipulative. Like others have said, he's telling you this crap to get YOU to back off and break the rishta--he's getting YOU to be the bad guy and to do the dirty work and possibly turn into the enemy (if breaking up will cause alot of family issues) because he doesn't have the moral compass to actually do the right thing and break it off himself.
Look, you're young, you seem like a nice and trusting person, but you will meet alot of people like him and get confused by the things they say and how they act. As you get older it' gets easier to spot the BS.
FWIW, girls are trained to ignore their gut feelings/intuition and let others make the important decisions that impact their lives. Please do not fall into this trap. Parents can have every good intention but they're human, and they're flawed and they're capable of making mistakes and if your mind is telling you that this is not right, listen to it.
Re: So Very Confused!
unfortunately, women in love see those flags but don't believe they are red. :(
They see them as purple with diamonds glued on to them.
Re: So Very Confused!
Ok this is a bold face lie. No one gets laid in Pakistan before marriage. Also even if he is telling the truth (lets suppose) then why are you still talking to him? If a girl told me she had sex with 2 guys before me and she was going to be my fiance i'd run away to Malaysia and become a fish farmer. Seriously, how come women just play cool with dudes sleeping around with other girls? Tell him you're done with him and that now he can go and have all the sex he wants. Have some self respect. The guy sounds like a gigantic douche, if he can't respect women to have sex with them before marriage then he's not worthy of a virgin wife. He deserves a wife equally as douchy as himself.
Re: So Very Confused!
Ok this is a bold face lie. No one gets laid in Pakistan before marriage. Also even if he is telling the truth (lets suppose) then why are you still talking to him? If a girl told me she had sex with 2 guys before me and she was going to be my fiance i'd run away to Malaysia and become a fish farmer. Seriously, how come women just play cool with dudes sleeping around with other girls? Tell him you're done with him and that now he can go and have all the sex he wants. Have some self respect. The guy sounds like a gigantic douche, if he can't respect women to have sex with them before marriage then he's not worthy of a virgin wife. He deserves a wife equally as douchy as himself.
This!
Re: So Very Confused!
For God's sake IM NOT A TROLL. I would speak to this to my friends, but if I do end up marrying him I don't want them to think negatively of my future husband.
Another thing, we talked yesterday just about random stuff like movies, tv, blah blah but then he said I showed your pic to one of my friends (who is a girl) and I said lol what did she say. He said she said your pretty but only because you wear a lot of makeup. Obviously that comment pissed me off and then I said oh really, lets see her pics (even though I already know what she looks like, but he doesn't know I know what she looks like ) and he said later. After the coversation went further I asked again and he said I don't want to show you her pics, and when I asked him why he said because she's like a sister to him and why should he share her pics w me since he hardly knows me. That comment pissed me off even more but then I let it go. So in a way he kinda told me he respects his ugly ass friend over me. Rude
Re: So Very Confused!
I'm starting to get the fact that he maybe does want to marry me but would rather marry his other cousin so he wants ME to back off so he seems good in front of his parents. Now my question is should I talk to my mom about this first or should I clear the drama up with him first and then tell my mom?
Re: So Very Confused!
Ok this is a bold face lie. No one gets laid in Pakistan before marriage. Also even if he is telling the truth (lets suppose) then why are you still talking to him? If a girl told me she had sex with 2 guys before me and she was going to be my fiance i'd run away to Malaysia and become a fish farmer. Seriously, how come women just play cool with dudes sleeping around with other girls? Tell him you're done with him and that now he can go and have all the sex he wants. Have some self respect. The guy sounds like a gigantic douche, if he can't respect women to have sex with them before marriage then he's not worthy of a virgin wife. He deserves a wife equally as douchy as himself.
The thing is I don't know whether or not he is lying. He doesn't live in Pak. He lives/studies abroad, but comes to Pak every so often to visit SO it is very much possible he is telling the truth.
Re: So Very Confused!
I don't think you're trolling.
I do think you know this is a bad choice for you and that's why you're posting. You have warning bells going off inside you right now but you're not sure of yourself so you keep questioning your gut.
Don't.
This man - if he really wanted to marry you - would have approached this very differently if he was sincere. I believe he is giving you reasons to leave him because he is not brave enough to stand up to his own father. He wants you to freak out and walk away.
YOu don't talk about sex, drugs and alcohol with your future spouse, tell them you fell in love with someone else, not sure if you were engaged to that someone else, all sorts of nonsense...he is playing with your head.
I know this is hard to swallow because we're talking about your entire life here. But you also need to realize that you're talking about your ENTIRE life here. Seek advice from your parents - even if they get angry with you - at the end they will be happy you came to them with this issue.
How would he had approached it differently? First he asked me whether or not I was forced or not and I said no I wasn't. Then he told me he failed and I asked how. He didn;t want to tell me, but I got it out of him. Like he said I did drugs, beer, cigarettes, blah blah, girlfriends...I was the one who asked how many and how far he had gone w them.
Re: So Very Confused!
I'm going to be as kind as possible when I say......
your heart doesn't know jack.
You're 19, very trusting of others, and it seems like you come from a very conservative background (seeing as how you're not even allowed to speak to your fiance and you are doing it secretly), which is usually synonymous with being sheltered and, yes, naive. In matters like this, the heart is NOT going to be right. The best thing Ic an tell you is listen to your mind/TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.
Yes, love grows.....but you hvae to have a foundation of respect and like each other to some degree. It does NOT mean that two people can have utter contempt for each other and suddenly fall in love--that's not Islam, that's bollywood....NOT real life.
As for why he keeps saying he has no issues marrying you--he's being manipulative. Like others have said, he's telling you this crap to get YOU to back off and break the rishta--he's getting YOU to be the bad guy and to do the dirty work and possibly turn into the enemy (if breaking up will cause alot of family issues) because he doesn't have the moral compass to actually do the right thing and break it off himself.
Look, you're young, you seem like a nice and trusting person, but you will meet alot of people like him and get confused by the things they say and how they act. As you get older it' gets easier to spot the BS.
FWIW, girls are trained to ignore their gut feelings/intuition and let others make the important decisions that impact their lives. Please do not fall into this trap. Parents can have every good intention but they're human, and they're flawed and they're capable of making mistakes and if your mind is telling you that this is not right, listen to it.
I don't think he utterly hates me. I feel as if I am the second option.
Re: So Very Confused!
Another thing he had said was that he told all of his friends about me and his cousins as well. Now if he wants me to break the relation, wouldn't he care about his izzat in front of his friends, and cousins?
Re: So Very Confused!
Another thing he had said was that he told all of his friends about me and his cousins as well. Now if he wants me to break the relation, wouldn't he care about his izzat in front of his friends, and cousins?
Well, a guy who is proudly telling you he sleeps around, drinks, failed school etc. care about his 'izzat'? Give me a break. Open your eyes girl
Re: So Very Confused!
Yeah, I agree, You're already giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying to look for excuses when his reasons are quite obvious. Marrying you will keep his parents happy and keep him happy because he can cover up any future girlfriends he's planning to keep.
Engaged girls are the easiest to manipulate because they're trying so hard to fall in love that it makes them blind. It's only 5 years after marriage when they'll be sobbing at their parents homes with two children contemplating divorce is when the reality sets in. This happened to my cousin. Her fiance also her cousin (but not mine) wanted to keep things hidden when they talked on the phone. He was just so weird. Everything he said at the time was such a red flag but she was ready to forgive him. All she did was stare at her phone and get nervous and upset if he failed to call. Like falling in love shouldn't be such a forced chore. Now, after marriage when the honeymoon period was over she's realized what we meant and even her parents believe they made the wrong decision.
Just remember it's not you who's the issue it's him. He's shady, kind of dumb and he's trying to manipulate you into being docile finance who gives him a thumbs up to continue cheating on you or he's getting you to break up with him. When you look at the whys indirectly you're looking to blame yourself. You shouldn't. When he creates his own messes he should clean them up, not you.
And honestly he sounds dumb. Do you really want to have kids with this guy? What if after you have three kids he decides the other cousin also deserves a chance. He just doesn't sound trustworthy so remember it's not just you who has to live with the threat of this guy running off but also your kids and your parents.
My advice for now is not to engage in his sweet talk. He's not looking for love, he's trying to groom you into being the perfect bride for him. You have your life ahead of you and a degree to look forward to. Don't settle for this. Don't let him manipulate you.
What will your parents say if you back out? And what about his parents?
Both is his parents are happy with the rishta as far as I know but only my dad is 100% happy with it as it is his nephew. My mom is okay with it but doesn't have that happiness, but that's another story as to why.
Re: So Very Confused!
The thing is I don't know whether or not he is lying. He doesn't live in Pak. He lives/studies abroad, but comes to Pak every so often to visit SO it is very much possible he is telling the truth.
Read the rest of my post!
Re: So Very Confused!
Well, a guy who is proudly telling you he sleeps around, drinks, failed school etc. care about his 'izzat'? Give me a break. Open your eyes girl
Yeah but the thing is WHAT IF HE IS LYING about these things to get me to back off? What if he really didn't do them?