So I’ve been engaged to my cousin for a year and he recently just messaged me if we can talk,. I said yes, even though my mom/ dad said they would kill me if I ever spoke to him before marriage, but I really wanted to know what he had to say so I did. He told me that in our culture women usually aren’t given a choice when it comes to marriage and whether or not I was okay with marrying him. I told him I was given a choice and I’m fine, I asked him. He said that his parents didn’t really ask him, but it was more of a telling thing but he was okay w it. As we got further into talking, he told me that he failed his 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] year of masters and I asked him if it was whether it was just hard or did he get in to other things. After talking more I asked him what exactly, and he said smoking, weed, beer, clubbing, and girlfriends, including sex with 2 of them on a regular basis while KNOWING he engaged to me. When it came to the girlfriend part, he kept saying sorry like 10 times at least. I asked him why did he tell me these things and he said he was an honest person and didn’t want our relationship to be started on false hopes. He also told me that one of his other cousins told him that she is engaged to him after his parents did OUR rishta and he started to believe her and he said he fell in love with her for a while, but then he snapped out of it since he said he thought it was wrong. I asked him why did he believe her when she said that she and him were engaged and he said that when someone you trust tells you something, you just believe it.
Also later on in the conversation, he was talking about how personality matters more than looks and he really doesn’t care about looks. But afterwards, a while later, he asked me for my pictures and I sent them, and he replied with a smiley face and said theek hain :PP. does that mean he thinks I’m pretty or not? Most guys give me attention but if he can’t even tell me I’m pretty, that sucks. When I asked him for his, I told him he was cute.Anyways I’m confused, why would he ask for my pics if he says he doesn’t care about looks at all? He already knew what I looked like before, so why would he ask?
I’m so confused as what to do now. We haven’t talked for two days. None of our parents know we’re talking, he said he wouldn’t tell anyone except 2 of his friends. Should I marry him? Is he telling the truth? Did he really do all of those horrible things or is he just lying because he wants to marry his other cousin but is too scared to tell his parents that he wants to marry her so he’s hoping I don’t marry him? PLEASE DON’T QUOTE THANK YOU
Also, when I asked him if he was ever heartbroken by any of his girlfriends. He said only twice. I asked him why he broke up with them and he said because it wasn't working out. But I asked him what wasn't working out and what is the point of getting into a relationship without the intention of getting married? He couldn't answer those two questions.
I'm afraid the guy sounds really sketchy. It's the fact that even being engaged didn't stop him from hooking up with girlfriends/random cousin is what's the deal breaker here. He basically realized he was going to get leg shackled and instead of slowing down he's just trying to makeup for all the time he'll lose by being married to you. Doesn't look like he has much self control in that area and if an engagement ring isn't going to stop him then wedding ring won't either.
Don't judge your worth by his opinions or what his girlfriends look like. You're not there with him so you're neither accessible nor convenient which is his current criteria for whomever he hooks up with. Honestly if he tries to get over friendly with you please just *ignore *him. If you get emotionally invested now it'll be 10 times harder to back away from an inconsistent guy.
I think you need to sit down and set your priorities straight. Can you ignore his past and can you trust him? Are you willing to get married to a man who might not want to have anything to do with you? (And don't take it personally if he doesn't want to get married to you. He doesn't know you and you don't know him.)
LMAO...."please don't quote"...? Ummm ooookaaay....giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're not trolling, I am surprised that you're even concerned about how he perceives your looks when you have far more pressing issues at hand. Nevertheless, to answer your former query, a guy would care about looks to an extent as he's not going to marry someone is repulsed by.
So, he cannot tell the difference between an actual, formal mangni and one that is only "talk" at best? If this other female cousin's parents and his own parents never officially agreed to a rishta and an actual mangni wasn't conducted, then why would he rush to believe this other cousin that he was engaged to HER? There is no room for 'confusion' here, it's just plain stupidity. And for him to tell you this is a huge risk because if you were to tell your parents, it can sour relations between the two families. He either didn't factor that in or he doesn't care.
If you haven't already formed a strong attachment to him, then it'll be easier to let him go. Or if you're uncertain, proceed with caution, clarify the drama with him and then decide what you want to do with your life. You're in a tough spot because you may have to get him to end the rishta if your parents won't and if both families won't budge...then you may have to actually reveal to your parents what he told you so they understand the reasons. Or you can marry him and that too carries a risk. Or do istikhara.
How old are you? Your post makes you sound like a 18/19 yr old at best. The guy sounds like an attention seeker or a drama queen. Steer clear and focus on your studies for now.
I'd take the cautious approach OP and not marry him. Your parents might not agree but they will want what is best for you and I think you can do better than this. 20-30 years from now after the marriage you will be dealing with this relationship or it's aftermath not them. Do not feel under pressure. I mean he cheated on you at least twice when both of you were engaged with very lame excuses. I don't know if you should tell the parents the whole story as what if he denies it then what do you do? Tell him that he doesn't sound too thrilled with the relationship and neither does he sound ready for marriage so it is better not to compromise both of your happiness with marrying. If he did he would have made up for his mistakes and showed more excitement for the marriage. He sounds as excited as someone starting a new job they have to do because their family wants them to do.
Maybe he asked for your photo to show that he is interested and trying to make up for the past but it's not very convincing.
I'm afraid the guy sounds really sketchy. It's the fact that even being engaged didn't stop him from hooking up with girlfriends/random cousin is what's the deal breaker here. He basically realized he was going to get leg shackled and instead of slowing down he's just trying to makeup for all the time he'll lose by being married to you. Doesn't look like he has much self control in that area and if an engagement ring isn't going to stop him then wedding ring won't either.
Don't judge your worth by his opinions or what his girlfriends look like. You're not there with him so you're neither accessible nor convenient which is his current criteria for whomever he hooks up with. Honestly if he tries to get over friendly with you please just *ignore *him. If you get emotionally invested now it'll be 10 times harder to back away from an inconsistent guy.
I think you need to sit down and set your priorities straight. Can you ignore his past and can you trust him? Are you willing to get married to a man who might not want to have anything to do with you? (And don't take it personally if he doesn't want to get married to you. He doesn't know you and you don't know him.)
I don't know if I trust him, but in a way I kind of do.
LMAO...."please don't quote"...? Ummm ooookaaay....giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're not trolling, I am surprised that you're even concerned about how he perceives your looks when you have far more pressing issues at hand. Nevertheless, to answer your former query, a guy would care about looks to an extent as he's not going to marry someone is repulsed by.
So, he cannot tell the difference between an actual, formal mangni and one that is only "talk" at best? If this other female cousin's parents and his own parents never officially agreed to a rishta and an actual mangni wasn't conducted, then why would he rush to believe this other cousin that he was engaged to HER? There is no room for 'confusion' here, it's just plain stupidity. And for him to tell you this is a huge risk because if you were to tell your parents, it can sour relations between the two families. He either didn't factor that in or he doesn't care.
If you haven't already formed a strong attachment to him, then it'll be easier to let him go. Or if you're uncertain, proceed with caution, clarify the drama with him and then decide what you want to do with your life. You're in a tough spot because you may have to get him to end the rishta if your parents won't and if both families won't budge...then you may have to actually reveal to your parents what he told you so they understand the reasons. Or you can marry him and that too carries a risk. Or do istikhara.
I swear to God I'm not trolling. Whatever is happening is real unfortunately. The only reason I said please don't quote as I had a bad experience with it. I can explain, but I don't think it's relevent to the post. The reason I care about what he thinks about my looks is because I want him to be attracted to me, because I'm attracted to him. If he doesn't even think I'm pretty, how will he love me in the future, you know? I just want to be loved.
We both had a baat pakki over the phone and it was official. However his female cousin told him that she was engaged to her. I asked him why did he believe her, even though he KNEW were engaged and he said that it was because when someone you trust tells you something, you just believe them. He said he trusts her a lot.
How old are you? Your post makes you sound like a 18/19 yr old at best. The guy sounds like an attention seeker or a drama queen. Steer clear and focus on your studies for now.
Yes I am 19. If he is an attention seeker, what kinda attention does he want?
I'd take the cautious approach OP and not marry him. Your parents might not agree but they will want what is best for you and I think you can do better than this. 20-30 years from now after the marriage you will be dealing with this relationship or it's aftermath not them. Do not feel under pressure. I mean he cheated on you at least twice when both of you were engaged with very lame excuses. I don't know if you should tell the parents the whole story as what if he denies it then what do you do? Tell him that he doesn't sound too thrilled with the relationship and neither does he sound ready for marriage so it is better not to compromise both of your happiness with marrying. If he did he would have made up for his mistakes and showed more excitement for the marriage. He sounds as excited as someone starting a new job they have to do because their family wants them to do.
Maybe he asked for your photo to show that he is interested and trying to make up for the past but it's not very convincing.
I asked him why he cheated and what is the point of getting into a relationship without the intention of marriage, and he couldn't answer. He had four girlfriends he said, but only slept with two of them he says. Also, though we got engaged last year we can't get married for at least 3 more years. We were supposed to get married sooner, but circumstances didn't allow it.
But he also did say that he knows how to cook and he can't wait till I taste his cooking...in a way he's thinking about the future with me then?
He's not telling you this to be honest. He wants you to back off so he doesn't have to. He's doing everything he can to scare/piss you off.
Take a hint, tell your parents and refuse him.
I get what you're saying but do you think he did these things? Like why would he ruin his izzat in front of me, you know? What if I told my parents? He is my dad's nephew, wouldn't he care about what my dad would think about him? I mean I asked him why he failed and what bad things he did? First he said cigs, weed, beer, blah blah, but when he got to the girlfriend part... he just said I had girlfriends. I was the the one who asked how many and how far he went with them. He didn't say it first. He said that I deserve to know and it was his right as a human being to tell me. But I'm thinking that what if he is faking all of this bad stuff just so I can tell my parents that I dont want to marry him, and that would allow him to marry his other cousin? I don't know ugh
I swear to God I'm not trolling. Whatever is happening is real unfortunately. The only reason I said please don't quote as I had a bad experience with it. I can explain, but I don't think it's relevent to the post. The reason I care about what he thinks about my looks is because I want him to be attracted to me, because I'm attracted to him. If he doesn't even think I'm pretty, how will he love me in the future, you know? I just want to be loved.
We both had a baat pakki over the phone and it was official. However his female cousin told him that she was engaged to her. I asked him why did he believe her, even though he KNEW were engaged and he said that it was because when someone you trust tells you something, you just believe them. He said he trusts her a lot.
Agree with Reha. The reason he gave is the most bonga excuse ever. Seriously. So he will trust this girl over his parents? His own family hasn't said anything about marrying her, no official mangni took place between them and he trusts her despite this obvious lack of proof and something as concrete as his engagement with you? And on top of this he says he 'trusts her a lot." Well, if she has that much influence over him and if he has more regard/respect for this girl than his own family, you and your family....then he should marry her. Let them have each other. Everything that you've shared about him is disturbing and his cute looks aren't a sufficient compensation. I think you need to lose him or at the very least think about this carefully and weigh your options because the stuff he's recently told you can linger in your mind long after the wedding.