Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
^yes!! just say "sorry" and say you'll never do that again! give her a hug even if you dont want to!....problem solved!
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
because im sure she has had to samjhaaaa her own kids at one point, maybe more than once. i dnt think she will samjhaa her own daughter in front of her husband. or the kaamwali.
mil thinks its fair to tell me off infront of the kaamwali and my own husband. its not. thats the point.
anyway, i knew i would end up with a backlash.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
^yes!! just say "sorry" and say you'll never do that again! give her a hug even if you dont want to!....problem solved!
I am not saying sorry. Eeven husband thought it was ridiculous to even mention infront og him rather than me going and now saying sorry.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
If you did not realise this, then you don't have a fair idea of what is expected in a nursing home. You should have known what you were signing up for. Nursing encompasses all of those things. A nurse or a caregiver in a nursing home knows that cleaning bedpans and wiping tushies are part of the deal.
Not every kaamwali signs up for washing people's undies. It is not the standard of behavior in the east. The STANDARD is what is socially and generally acceptable. In the kaamwali association (if there is such a thing), washing undies would be looked down upon. In a muslim country where such things are
A) ignored in general ie topics pertaining to sex and sexual relations B) considered "unclean" ie menstrual blood , bodily fluids making a person na-paak for namaz
It is understood that you do not foist these personal items over to someone else. You act responsibly and do it yourself
I thought that the **DIY concept was fairly common in the west? **Why then, do you claim that:
And lastly, when in Rome. Nadz is no longer in the west. She needs to get with the program if she wants a happier, less troublesome life.
Ok, I wasn't going to go into details as I didn't want Nadz' thread to get de-railed.. Firstly I was NOT employed as a nurse or caregiver (I have mentioned plenty of times on GS I went to uni to study law), it was simply part-time work for the summer as my dad was friends with the owner. I'm not so stupid that I don't know that nursing involves doing that sort of work but just to make it clear my dad simply mentioned to his friend 'Deeba has a lot of time on her hands at the moment, she could help out'.. In that situation I had assumed it would be doing 'normal' things like tidying up, cleaning, helping prepare meals so no, not dealing with these other situations so prehaps you should also think before making such assumptions about me.. You DON'T have to be a nurse to bathe or take ppl to the toilet and a 'nursing home' is not a hospital..
I simply pointed out the cultural differences in how these things are viewed.. Yes, we do MOST things ourselves, not sure why you're jumping on this one thing (just because you find it 'disgusting'?) and you mentioned Nadz' doesn't do housework or cook or clean when I'm sure she has mentioned she has.. Yes, Nadz made a mistake in that she should have realised it's not common in Pak but as she has been born + brought up in the west it's not that much of a stretch to believe it wasn't intentional.. In any case it's not the big deal that you're making it out to be and certainly didn't warrant her MIL making an issue..** A quiet word in private would have been better..**
Yes, when in Rome and all that (tho let's face it it's a LOT more applicable to desis moving to Pak rather than those coming to the west in terms of dress, lifestyle etc) people need time to make adjustments.. A bit more understanding on her mil's part would be nice..
Re: so the **** hit the fan, …
5pages in one day:k:
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
^Lol :D
Hope things work out ok for you Nadz..
Re: so the **** hit the fan, …
Honestly Nadz…you should just post 1 original post and NOT add any more. Because the more you post after that…the worse you end up looking. 
I honestly believed that your MIL acted crazy over-the-top and that she should NOT have involved your husband and made a big scene. I believed that she should’ve come to you had a private conversation. But after reading the above…now I’m not too sure I blame your MIL for creating a scene.
In 2 YEARS you already know that your MIL is a drama queen. Now you admit that MIL herself has brought up this underwear issue before not once…but THREE times to you! After the THIRD frigging time…it still didn’t occur to you that maybe you should just find the time to wash your own?!
Yes, your MIL doesn’t ask you or encourage you to cook or clean. You are not at fault for that. But given that fact that you’re not forced (heck MIL actually doesn’t want you to!) cook or clean…do you not think you could’ve taken it upon yourself to wash your own underwear after the MIL brought up the issue to you the THIRD time?! 
As for the kaamwali…what she gets paid and how she lives isn’t your concern. Whether you like it or now…the kaamwali doesn’t answer to you. You are not her employer…your MIL is.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
your mil is obviously very unhappy with you and will look for any excuse to have a go at you. but at the same time you always give her all the reasons to have a go at you.why would you want others to wash your underwear, i dont find it a big deal but i know in pakistan its just a no no. which is absolutely ridiculous in my opinion.if she told you before that do not give the kaamwali underwear to wash, then dont!!! how hard is thatits not about whether you rinsed them beforehand and then gave them to her to wash, she said no so dont doo it!!!!anyways i dont understand why you married into the family, the mother quite obviously disapproves of you. and now that you have you just have to bear it. your husband has seen what his mother is like. just try to keep the peace as much as you can from your side. rather than fight with her work with her. there is nothing wrong with asking your sister in law for food or water if she comes over, wouldnt you want that if you went to your mothers home.these are small things, make these small changes to make your life better.we can only advise you to make your life better we dont know your MIL so obviously cant ask her i am quite shocked that she came and shouted at you, i would say you should have told her not to speak to you like that but knowing your MIL that would have been the last straw.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, …
Honestly, everyone should just get off her back. She’s dealing with a lot of stress already and comes here to vent. She doesn’t need everyone start bashing her!
She has 2 little kids and everything she does, from how to raise them to how to act, is dictated by her mother in law. For a minute, just picture yourself in her shoes. Would you be able to take it? So she gave her undies (which were not dirty btw) to the kaam wali Her MIL starts CRYING because of that?
I can’t even imagine living with people like that. MIL tells her it’s gunnah to not breastfeed until baby is 2? Come on. If I were Nadz I’d be ganji by now cause I would’ve pulled all my hair out in frustration. It’s hard for her as it is, living in a new country … and living with in laws (which is NOT easy, people!) the last thing she needs is people on here telling her to grow up and what not when all she does is come here to vent. I’m sure no one ever listens to her problems at home, not even her husband as we all know, so just let her vent yaar. Stop ganging up on her.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, …
So, going by some advice given by people, the jist of it is basically, apologise, accept that MIL will pick a fight with you and so don’t make mistakes like that because for you they are unforgivable and just dodge situations like that …
I don’t think you should apologise. Its not a big deal, so what you gave her underwear to wash?? You said so yourself you rinsed it? Your MIL doesn’t mind her sons underwear being washed by the kaamwali? Or was she fair and said that was a no no too?
nadz you need to move and get your own place. You can’t live like this, this is sad hun. If your SIL did the same thing, I think your MIL would have acted differently.
We are human, we are going to make mistakes, and we’ll probably make the same mistakes again and again lol we are not always going to please everyone in our family no matter how long we’ve lived with them. I irritate my mum every time I don’t wash dishes after I use them, sometimes I’m tried from work and uni and can’t be bothered - I’ve lived with her my whole life. The difference here is, that she doesn’t like you and you’re not her blood - the relationship is fragile.
You should not be embarrassed and scrutinized like this every time you do something silly. You don’t wana live your life like that. Please move, and get a job or engross yourself in a hobby you enjoy, I know you’re a mum, but when your circumstances allow you, do something you enjoy, I am telling you, even something part-time is very liberating.
BTW, Im proud of your hubby for taking your side mA, even when his mum was using tears, that’s hard man, its hard to see your mum in tears no matter how silly you think the matter she’s crying over is…
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
OK.
okay......
FIRSTLY, i have lived here and been here altogether, around 2 years. a year now, and after marriage etc, so the time has been around 2 years i think, and in this entire time the whole underwear thing has happened 3 TIMES. not every flipping month do i give her underwear to wash. i wash my own. the first time mil told me not t give her dirty underwear, i said ok, il clean them first. now the issue is not if its dirty or not, just the fact that its underwear.
3 times is 2 times too many to be told the same thing. This is not your mother that will keep on telling you the same thing again and again. This is your MIL who, by your own admission, expects perfection. You continue to expect behaviour from her that you have already stated is not forthcoming.
If you are cleaning the garments first then what need is there to give to her at all? Are you saying that you pre-wash and they are so dirty that they need a second wash? How long do you wear a pair? Do you need to be taught to change every single day?
How in the world is she supposed to know that they are pre-washed? If you are giving them to her to put in the washing cycle then obviously she will think that they are dirty. Do you expect her to inspect the undergarments and figure out if they are washed or not?
secondly, this kaamwali lives in the quaters here. she has free bijli, free gas, free everything, a ups and a generator,free food, just free everything really. they dnt buy anythin themselves. and she still gets paid. her husband also has a job. yet she still complains about most jobs given to her. reason shes still here- cos apparently she hasnt stolen anything yet.
The terms of her employment/agreement are irrelevant. She is not employed by you. She is employed/paid by your MIL. You have no right to criticize what she gets for free or comment on how much her family earns as a total income.
I don't live there but the few times I have visited for extended periods I have come to understand how hard it actually is to get and keep good help. Help that does not steal, gossip with the neighbours about what's going on in your home and cleans to your standards is definitely hard to come by. If your MIL is satisfied with the quality of her work then she has every right to retain her at whatever cost the MIL deems appropriate. If you don't like the way she works then hire your own help.
i disagree- my 2 yr old daughter recently lost the back end of her earring stud. the kaamwali mustve thought it was gold, i asked her if she had seen it, she said no, then she asked me if it was real or not, i said no of course not, why would i put real gold on my toddler...anyway later my husband saw her snooping around the tv stand. later i found the earring stoper there, under the tv stand. anyway who knows but shes very clever.
Nothing but assumptions on your part. And reinforced by your husband. Sadly this suspicious attitude only confirms what everyone else is saying about not being able to find reliable help.
If this, an assumption/co-incidence/speculation, is the only example that the entire household has been able to find to pin on this worker then consider yourselves lucky. This certainly is not reason enough to dismiss her or even assassinate her character.
There is no rule against a worker being clever. I can see how this might bother you because it seems that her cleverness surpasses yours' since you are unable to manage her adequately.
thirdly- my sister issue- well i didnt know that until i told my mum what happened 2 days ago and she told me same thing had happened to my sis years ago.
You should not be passing on your household arguments to your mother. Ever.
Whether or not this happened with your sis years ago is irrelevant. Fact is that it has happened to you more than twice. You should have learned your lesson the first time.
fourthly- i DO WANT TO COOK, mil tells me not to, just so she can moan later how she does everything. everytime i make anything she wont eat it or complain about it or just tell me how its not good or whatever. so i stopped making it. plyus mil has a habit of cooking meals at 7am in the morning..to get it out of the way.....im not waking up at 7am to do that. ridiculous. esp when we eat the meal around 2pm.
household chores- like i said, so many times ive done things and mil has complained.
Because she didn't like what you cooked/how you cooked it, you decided that to stop doing it altogether would be the perfect solution huh? How's that working out for you? Perhaps you might want to try taking a different approach? How about asking her to teach you how to cook things her way? How about swallowing your pride and letting her be the "revered and respected queen of the castle"? She might be in a better frame of mind if she simply got her way.
What's the big deal about waking up at 7 am to cook? MIL probably does this because she goes off to work. Why can't you wake up at 7 am? What time do your kids get up? Are you one of those that can't drag their behinds out of bed until 10 am?
Chances are that if you did 1 and 2 then MIL would have enough faith in you to do the cooking and wouldn't care if you did it at 7 am under her supervision or at 11 am once you have had your sleep in.
If the household chores that you have done in the past have been cause for complaint then why can't you learn to do them the way she wants? It is her domain, accept that. If you want your way then move out.
also main thing was how i was told about values and given lectures on that and how shes so sharminda and i should be asking for forgiveness....so many times shes called me a sinner- like when i didnt breastfeed my 2 children until they were 2yrs old.....or nwhatever it says in the quran, she told me i was a big sinner.....and it was a big gunnaa, she told me why i dnt read namaz 5 times a day, and then she decided to involve my whole family and blame my mum for not instilling values in me..how dare she. i told her my mum reads 5 times , she just said hmmm.
when me and my hubby had a huge fight last yr, rather than console both of us she just blamed me and said it was my fault.
I don't blame your MIL for being sharminda. It is a cause for embarrassment when your DIL's used undergarments and bedsheets with questionable stains are made available for the help to witness. She is not wrong to ask for an apology particularly when she has made this request/instruction clear to you twice before. (It doesn't help that your sis committed the same faux pas years back. It just reaffirms her belief that your mother may not have done a good job in raising you guys. Whether this is factual or not is a different story.)
She is wrong to call you a sinner. She simply is not the authority to make that determination when it comes to religion. However, if you offer up your mother's namaz ritual as defence then you are, in effect, admitting that you have been taught but you don't practice. This, by inference suggests that you are in fact guilty of the sin that she is alleging.
and mil ALWAYS does my besti infront of kaamwali, so obviously kaamwali will think whatever job i give her is beneath her and she can complain. thing is, my issue with this thread isnt the kaamwali, or my underwear....god. its mil and her reactions. her monologues that begin and dont end. she brings her bimaari into it, she cried and said i should be aplogising.
Why does she have an opportunity to do your be-izzati in front of the help? What do you do that gives her this chance?
You should be apologizing. No doubt about that.
She may have cried out of desperation since your husband was supporting you in a situation where you were obviously wrong. I'm not suggesting that this was right of her to do.
You are not getting backlash. You are getting feedback on a scenario that you posted.
Whether you get upset by it or you learn from it is entirely up to you.....
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
The main issue here is not about washing underwear. It's about treating someone with respect, which nadz's MIL doesn't seem too keen on doing. Bringing up your bahu's underwear in a discussion with your son and kaamwali is a cheap thing to do IMO.
Imagine if the roles were reversed, and nadz was the one doing be-izzati of her MIL, how much sympathy her MIL would have got!
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
The main issue here is not about washing underwear. It's about treating someone with respect, which nadz's MIL doesn't seem too keen on doing. Bringing up your bahu's underwear in a discussion with your son and kaamwali is a cheap thing to do IMO.
Imagine if the roles were reversed, and nadz was the one doing be-izzati of her MIL, how much sympathy her MIL would have got!
You are right. It is about respect.
In this case you cannot assess the full impact without taking into consideration the amount of negative history that exists between the MIL and DIL.
One cannot expect the MIL to treat this as an isolated incident.
so the **** hit the fan, ....
Im not sure this is about the kaamwali as much as its the MIL and her habit of making small issues into a huge drama series. If its not this It will be about other non issues. It seems like its either her nature, or shes got it in for her DIL from the beginning.
The thing is either you put up with it quietly until you leave, or you deal with it, if not directly then via your husband, or mother even. Im sure she can have a few words regarding her attitude, it will cause more drama for a while but at least she will know you have backup.
I hope your mum can do this, as most parents tend to wash their hands off their daughters once married. That gives the in laws a free hand to treat her as they wish.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
Nadz: it is not about who will wash your cloth. If I were you, I would feel really uncomfortable the way your MIL created whole drama. She could advice you in private that maasi is nakhreeli, please wash your stuff by yourself.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
She could advice you in private that maasi is nakhreeli, please wash your stuff by yourself.
perhaps the previous two times she did.......
I don't know for sure but I'm just saying.
Afterall the MIL is not here to speak for herself, is she? We always get one side of the story.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, …
you mean, nadz was advised by her MIL.
Nadz: 
Re: so the **** hit the fan, ....
no one is ganging up on her she comes to this forum to get advice and that is what she gets
Re: so the **** hit the fan, …
i know right. man, all this time i’m like wtf she bestied your mil so they’re.. like besties? then i realised what she was actually saying.
wow that sounds so blonde fml.
Re: so the **** hit the fan, …
This just made my day!!