So I got to thinking...

Lifestyle Relationships
81

so if you stand up for your rights.. u r not muslim anymore??

82

Re: So I got to thinking...

^ No. You are a feminist. In order to be a non-feminist you have to shut up and pretend as if the the sky is pink when your saas thinks it is.

83

Hmm .. How about you read my very first post instead of jumping to your own conclusions. Obviously you are not getting my point at all. There is no where in my post that I indicated or said that women should be treated as animals or whatever it is that you think I am saying!

My first post was solely about being good to your PIL whether it is demanded in Islam or not. Just like your first post was about Islam given u the freedom to not help your PIL because it is not mandatory! And I simply compared it to the stuff which is farz upon us yet we dont do it, so why are we so fast on picking the things which demands nothing of us!

Edit: Ps.. I think we are both talking in very part directions :p

84

Re: So I got to thinking...

I don't know if I am going off topic.... but I personally think woman nowadays have heard so many horror stories regarding MIL's and men not doing anything to stop this. That has created a belief that there is no such thing is a loving and caring MIL. With that being said we put our guards up, and practice the zero tolerance policy. Of course that will not work as we are all human, we all make mistakes. If men were to practice the zero tolerance policy towards their wife, majority of our population would be divorced. I don’t find anything wrong with taking care of your in-laws. As they are you elders, and I wouldn’t treat them any different from my parents.
Now I’m not talking about being their slave, waiting on someone hand and foot, cooking for them, cleaning for them 24/7 when they are perfectly capable of doing things themselves, and tolerating emotional and physical abuse. That is a different story. I'm saying when you cook dinner for the family, ask your in-laws the same way you would ask your husband what they would like to eat, go on walks with them, take them shopping. Show them love and care like you would show any elder. We have to face the facts parents will not be around forever, take care of them and treat them well.

85

Re: So I got to thinking...

LMAO at MOST of the responses here.... you all seem to be harping on about how women don't know their islamic rights etc etc etc..... forget their rights in Islam... these people need to learn WHAT Islam is first!!!!

.....and to all the rubbish about feminism.... that is the biggest joke ever!! It's about being EQUAL.... one is not better than the other... man and wife are made to complement each other... it's not a damn contest!!!!

EVERY PROBLEM mentioned in this thread stems from society and culture, NOT RELIGION!!!

....and PCG, it is NOT only uneducated, pakistani women from back home that are crappy DILs. It is also the highly educated ones that have been born and bred in the west too. Everything does NOT come down to education!!

86

My point so far has been not that girls shouldnt take care of their inlaws...its that girls need to know their rights and power. Just like PILs need taking care of...so does that girl that decided to live with them.

If she doesnt get treated like a daughter/sister/wife...dont get upset when she decides to demand her rights.

It may be funny for you but its not funny for people who go through it.

87

DG...why do you say such random things? Who said anything about equality between man and woman? One being better than the other? What? A competition? Just quote that for me please because I have no idea where that came from.

The second thing, the problems result when people use Islam to limit a woman to house and hearth. When Islam is used to as a way to keep her home and on lock-down, she can use it right back to get out of that arrangement also.

88

....and that is why I said that these people need to learn what Islam is first!!!
....go back and read the posts.. there is a lot of rambling on about feminism etc etc.....

89

And what I said was not much different from that IMO

So as long as the bahu is living with the inlaws in the same house she has got some responsibilities whether it is written black and white in Islam or not. If our desi bahus can demand the same amount of gold and bari (as jehaz) for the inlaws daughter (yes I have seen examples of tht here on GS!) then I think they should start thinking of their PIL as parents only and not inlaws.

90

Re: So I got to thinking…

so what if he decided to play the religion card too? since marrying multiple times is an Islamic right for him, is it ok if he marries again to someone who is willing to help him and share his family responsibilities? wife no.1 will solve her domestic issues the ‘islamic way’ and so will he, no? sub khush :hmmm:

91

Re: So I got to thinking…

Wife No 2 comes with her own set of rights and responsibilities that she can demand…:hehe:

Bichara…if he actually marries again…I would feel so bad for him…

Haan ji…sab khush

92

That would be the jerk’s response. I’ll leave God to deal with the jerks. :slight_smile:

93

explain how it's a jerk issue ? current wife don't wanna do the stuff for example taking care of elders in the home and else..

Can he force her? lets say he did, but it didn't work, now the Islamic way, he marry a women who will happily do it.

Problem solved, and it's religiously solved !

94

Re: So I got to thinking...

He should probably have looked to marry a doormat in the first place, and this brings us back to the original question - is it even valid to ask a girl to look after your parents?

It depends on what that entails! Like, if they need 24-hr surveillance because they're so terribly in Alzheimer's that they're walking into walls and they can't recognize people anymore, and are liable to pick up a chair and hit someone at some point, then sure, you need to hire a nurse at that point. A DIL can only do so much as she's not trained in medicine at all. Or the family comes together and people take turns taking care of the old person.

But if its paon-dabaana, doing head maalish, and massages, and making every meal for them fresh because they are too good to eat frozen food or make their own food, etc etc - then that's a load of bakhwaas. You want a maid, then you should hire a maid. A wife is not a maid.

that kind of ghar ka kaam, everyone should be pitching in and helping, and no girl should even want to be part of a household where it is expected that the bahu takes over all the ghar ka kaam and now the rest of the family can watch B4U walay movies. Because that is not how you would treat your daughter. So then don't expect that girl to treat your parents like her family either.

I think we're confusing two concepts here.

Respect vs. Khidmat for the In-laws

they're two separate issues. Respectable people are not going to ask their DIL to do all the housework while they sit on their rumps and get served. That's just poor manners, and such families really deserve the worst of bahus.

95

Re: So I got to thinking...

there is a simple solution to this problem - the girl should get a job and contribute equally instead of sitting at home, watching soaps and whining about how tough housework is. if the wife works as well, the family can afford a better lifestyle including help for old parents, etc. everyone wins.

96

Why do you people like to exagerate everything?

[QUOTE]
that kind of ghar ka kaam, everyone should be pitching in and helping, and no girl should even want to be part of a household where it is expected that the bahu takes over all the ghar ka kaam and now the rest of the family can watch B4U walay movies. Because that is not how you would treat your daughter. So then don't expect that girl to treat your parents like her family either.

[/QUOTE]

ofcourse there will be exceptions where people mistreat there DIL,
but most people are NOT like that. People here are talking as if that is the norm.

Taking care of your Parent in law does not make a woman a doormat.

97

Here is your solution:

See…if you want to marry again…you most certainly can. Your first wife cannot even stop you. You dont have to ask her either.

However, that second wife will come, live with you, cook for you, bear kids for you, do khidmat of your parents and all the while first wife only has to see her MIL once a week if that much. Plus, she gets a home, car and allowance. How long do you think second wife gonna do payr dho dho ke peena? :hehe:

Behtar rasta ye hai ke you treat your wife like a human being and compromise right along with her to take care of your parents as well. Uspe apni marzi mat force karein and all will be well. Ask her, work with her and you take some of the responsibility too because they are YOUR parents.

Qissa khatam.

98

The women I am fighting for, are working women. The very working women who come home and their inlaws STILL want them to do all the housework and cook fresh meals each day. Fine, you can still fit in a fresh dinner every night (maybe people will have to eat dinner at 9 pm and suffer indigestion), but fresh meals 3x a day is pretty impossible for a working girl. At least cook your own goddam andha roti in the morning and salad for lunch. That shouldn't be hard work for anyone.

If you think it doesn't happen, it does. Especially in Pakistan. I've had a number of cousins and aunts who went through this, and they eather had to drop the job or the husband. One of them dropped the husband and just left. She was a lawyer, and is now a judge in the Karachi courts, and so she didn't have time to sit there and scrub the floors under her MIL's direction, which is what the ridiculous woman was demanding of her.

And this was a family that was able to afford a maasi - they were just making her do the work to put her in her place.

She left, and I don't blame her. When you get married and you enter a home, they should treat you like a daughter and you should treat them like family. I think what Reha is saying is right. When you don't get treated like a daughter, and are instead treated like crap because of an ego control issue on the part of the inlaws (and we always blame the MIL, but its not like the FIL or the husband do much to stop her, so they're equally to blame), then there is no incentive for that woman to give any respect for her inlaws either.

The stay at home women - meh. I don't plan on being one, so I have no incentive to fight for their rights. IMHO, if you're going to sit around on your butt all day and do nothing to contribute to the family other than pop out kids, you should at least cook some meals during the weak. Maybe not all, but at least some. And play a role in seriously educating your kids and teaching them some morals. I've seen too many housewives sit in front of the TV and gossip on the phone and they let their kids do anything. Just go to any desi dawat and see how many kids are misbehaving and moti behns mom is sitting there doing nothing about it, more interested in gossiping about other girls with other married women.

99

the fixation with fresh meals is pretty stupid. who cares. if she's not cooking, get takeout. what's the big deal? whatever...

by the time, educated people get married, the couple's combined income be pretty decent and should easily allow them to get some paid help to take care of household tasks the couple can't be bothered with.

regarding your examples, they're clearly very jaahil, narrowminded, petty people. I certainly don't understand what goes through their heads.

as far as the rest is concerned, obviously the girl has to accept the inlaws as her family and not just inlaws and the inlaws have to accept her as their daughter and not DIL. but easier said than done I guess. just depends on the background of the people. I see people from very muhazzab, samajhdar backgrounds and they treat each other generously... and don't get hung up on petty trivial stuff. the result is a good life and happy family. then, of course there are others who're supposedly educated, talk the talk but things always end in tears because of a lack of maturity and common sense.

100

Um, this kind of thing is actually pretty common.