So I got to thinking...

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: So I got to thinking...

[QUOTE]
Im talking about things like not being allowed to work but having no access to any money.

Limited contact with family and friends for months at a time

No transportation...husband takes wife everywhere.

Complete and total dependance...
[/QUOTE]

If someone is trying to control you intentionally yes it abuse. It's wrong.

I see the transportation thing a lot because most people can only afford one car. So the hubby takes the car to work and the wife feels like a prisoner in her own home.

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I don’t know defense chics. I live here on Planet Earth, not in fantasy la-la land which is where those ladies live.

The vast majority of Pakistanis don’t fall into defense class, or even into middle class these days (as pakistan’s middle class is rapidly shrinking). Most families fall into working class or lower income classes, and in THOSE families, the way their social system works is purely ridiculous. And those girls have to deal with it. No Islam saves them. No Islamic scholars come to them to tell them of their rights.

Just open up friggin Aalim online and such shows and listen to the callers and their retarded questions. I dont know much Islam, I went to a podunk Islamic school in some podunk Florida town and I know more Islam than these women do. The things they call in with and their questions shows how little they know of their own rights, and how sad is it when you have to call into a cheesey TV show to find out more about Islam?

The thread topic is about whether women know their Islamic rights. I argue, most Pakistani women don’t.

Some of us may, and those of us literate and educated enough know where to find that info. And we can comprehend it. But some of these poor girls who are barely matric passes are more than happy to continue being doormats for their husbands and inlaws and those people are more than happy to take advantage of it.

Power to them. :k: This is what happens when 70% of your population lives in the stone age.

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It happens Nikki.

I know of girls who are in that same boat and since they dont know any better...they dont know what to do.

64

It's pretty dangerous to make generalizations about saas-bahu relationships. The reality is that there are some MIL (or other ILs) who are tyrants. But there are other bahus who are *itches. Each family and each relationship is different.

The dysfunctional relationship arises when either the bahu or the ILs (including the husband) fail to treat each other with the same respect and consideration they accord their own blood relations. First of all it should not be about rishta nibhana - that sounds as if kissi aur pey ehsaan kiya jaraha hai. Agar dono taraf khuloos aur mohabat ho (we we show to strangers more readily then our own families), then that should allow the family to overcome any issues or conflicts - since no family is perfect.

The whole "I'm not obligated to do anything since Islam doesn't require" puts the discussion into the context of I'm doing a favour to someone else showing them courtesy since the religion doesn't require it.

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I think husband and wife should appreciate each other for taking care of their inlaws...its not an ehsaan but it is something no one is required to do. Especially the wife.

66

Re: So I got to thinking...

Happens to some women who are brought over as immigrant trophy wives for their moronic sons who couldn't find a girl here on his own if his life depended on it. They take advantage of the fact that she doesn't know her own rights as a resident in the US.

I've seen that happen. But I've also seen girls come over from Pakistan, barely educated, yet super chalaak in manipulating their husbands.

Like I said. People assume the educated girls are giving their inlaws the boot, and don't know how to take care of the people around them or how to behave.

Not true. Educated girls brought up here with PROPER ISLAMIC EDUCATION (I agree, some burger families in the US never sent their kids to Islamic school and those kids dont know anything about Islam OR the kids rebelled so much and became totally out of control in their behavior), are generally pretty good to their inlaws. But the good thing is, they're no longer agreeing to be doormats.

No, you want me to do all the cleaning and cooking AND have a job, AND bring home an income AND contribute to household finances - nope. You, as an in-house MIL, need to contribute too, and be as respectful as you want to be respected.

MIL's that engage in fasaadi behavior and try to break up their son's marriage - there should be NO TOLERANCE to this. And yes, this sort of thing IS common. Passive aggressive behavior is TOTALLY common. It is abuse. Hitting is not the only form of abuse.

67

some pointers…

  1. do shop all day, but be their when i am at home - spend few with me too, i am alive thing

  2. you want a big home, so be it - don’t cry when i bring my parents home to live with me

  3. you have to cook for me, because i don’t like eating outside - you can’t do it, well we have a problem then

  4. no body ask you to massage my parents - but do comfort them by remembering their medicine/eating time - that’s enough, and even if we don’t say we appreciate it !

  5. don’t bicker around 24/7 about pity things - we can also do that !

  6. again don’t bicker about in-laws 24/7 - we can cry about our salaa’s/saalai & your friends too - yup they are fat & ugly !

  7. talk, talk, talk - but in civilized manner, don’t just start on dinner table - the bedroom is the appropriate place.

now what is the difficult part here to-do?

yukh, thank God i didn’t marry to this type !

when you cry about responsibilities then oh well, you know !

68

Re: So I got to thinking...

Somehow there is a BIG gap of guys taking some responsibility and managing these issues.

I only takes a few 2nd to set your expectations from the two woman in your life (mother and wife) straight.

Same thing goes for the girls's parents.

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:hehe:

:rotfl:

I cant stop laughing at thatttttt!!!

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So you complain about ditz's that make you buy them big homes and shop using your money, but then you want to marry one of those as oppose to the more frugal girl that you're so thankful for not having married?

This is the problem with you men. You complain about the very thing you do want. You want a princess to take care of, then fine, but then don't bicker when your house ain't big enough for her, or she spent all your money and now your mom needs meds and you are dead broke.

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I’m just sayin’. I can’t compete with fake hijabis who are only interested in the bulge in your pocket. Not that bulge. The other one.

shrugs

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stop ramble in and around, it is not what i just said..it's what you just heard.. their is a big difference, and this is problem with majority of ladies probably all of them !

73

Re: So I got to thinking...

I highlighted what you wrote. That's what YOU wrote. Not what I wrote. Not what some fake imposter wrote. Look at what you're writing. It says it all.

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While it’s true that it’s not their duty to look after the inlaws, from what I’ve seen/heard, these types of issues tend to come up in a joint family setting. If they’re benefitting from the efforts of others, then it only makes sense that they should also contribute something.

Of course there are cases where it might not be fair, as in making her do everything all the time. As to why girls don’t exercise their rights are per Islam, well, I can guess a few reasons:

  1. They don’t know.
  2. They don’t care.
  3. They’re not practicing anyway, so if they were to bring up their rights, they wouldn’t be taken seriously.
  4. Difficult to muster up the courage in their current environment and go against what is expected of them.
  5. Lack of means to get a separate house etc.
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LMAOOOOO

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If my inlaws treat me well I have no problem with them living with me. But on the other hand, I should be able to accomodate my parents if I want to, and I should be able to financially help them whenever I want. He shouldn't question what I do with my money especially if its to help out my parents. But as far as his parents moving in, fine. heck, i'll live with his grandparents too if he wants

77

I actually agree with this...

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Re: So I got to thinking...

islam islam islam, fed up of people essentially excerising their rights, people need to excerise their brains first. i know islamically what we can and cannot do...i also know it cannot be forced upon us. however in the saying treat others as you would wish to be treated....well if my brothers wife saidits not islamic duty to look after ur parents so i wont...id knock 6 bells put of her..or atleast id feel like slapping her, im sure most females here would feel the same way if their brothers wives reacted like this. so in the same sense, i wouldnt wish to declare my islamic right on such a silly topic....we cannot use our islamic rights where we want to and where we think it interferes with our feminism..make up ur mind, are yuou a feminist or a muslim first...

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Re: So I got to thinking...

^ If your brother is denying her basic freedom and rights...she can say/do what she wants...and you have no right to stop her. If she is being dealt with unfairly according to the Pakistani version of religion then she has every right to say "make your own chai".

Your parents are your and your brother's responsibility. If you want her to treat them like her parents, treat her like your sister...have your brother treat her like his wife and parents as their daughter.

This isnt about feminism because Im not changing or challenging Islam...Im agreeing with it and if that makes me a feminist and Islam a feminist religion...HALLELUJAH!

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:rotfl: now that is a first!