So I got to thinking...

[ria1328]

LMAO at MOST of the responses here.... you all seem to be harping on about how women don't know their islamic rights etc etc etc..... forget their rights in Islam... these people need to learn WHAT Islam is first!!!!

.....and to all the rubbish about feminism.... that is the biggest joke ever!! It's about being EQUAL.... one is not better than the other... man and wife are made to complement each other... it's not a damn contest!!!!

EVERY PROBLEM mentioned in this thread stems from society and culture, NOT RELIGION!!!

....and PCG, it is NOT only uneducated, pakistani women from back home that are crappy DILs. It is also the highly educated ones that have been born and bred in the west too. Everything does NOT come down to education!!

Got it in one! Now I gotta go finish reading....

[ria1328]

The women I am fighting for, are working women. The very working women who come home and their inlaws STILL want them to do all the housework and cook fresh meals each day. Fine, you can still fit in a fresh dinner every night (maybe people will have to eat dinner at 9 pm and suffer indigestion), but fresh meals 3x a day is pretty impossible for a working girl. At least cook your own goddam andha roti in the morning and salad for lunch. That shouldn't be hard work for anyone.

If you think it doesn't happen, it does. Especially in Pakistan. I've had a number of cousins and aunts who went through this, and they eather had to drop the job or the husband. One of them dropped the husband and just left. She was a lawyer, and is now a judge in the Karachi courts, and so she didn't have time to sit there and scrub the floors under her MIL's direction, which is what the ridiculous woman was demanding of her.

And this was a family that was able to afford a maasi - they were just making her do the work to put her in her place.

She left, and I don't blame her. When you get married and you enter a home, they should treat you like a daughter and you should treat them like family. I think what Reha is saying is right. When you don't get treated like a daughter, and are instead treated like crap because of an ego control issue on the part of the inlaws (and we always blame the MIL, but its not like the FIL or the husband do much to stop her, so they're equally to blame), then there is no incentive for that woman to give any respect for her inlaws either.

The stay at home women - meh. I don't plan on being one, so I have no incentive to fight for their rights. IMHO, if you're going to sit around on your butt all day and do nothing to contribute to the family other than pop out kids, you should at least cook some meals during the weak. Maybe not all, but at least some. And play a role in seriously educating your kids and teaching them some morals. I've seen too many housewives sit in front of the TV and gossip on the phone and they let their kids do anything. Just go to any desi dawat and see how many kids are misbehaving and moti behns mom is sitting there doing nothing about it, more interested in gossiping about other girls with other married women.

*That part says it all. I mean, really, how scary is it to go from your loving family into one where you are expecting the same love they show their daughters, but instead you get treated like a slave? *

---

*BTW this does happen in educated families too. The girl I had a thread on before? Yeah both daughters were college educated and the sons were too, one being computer something, and the other in real estate. So it CAN happen ANYWHERE! *

[firenze]

The women I am fighting for, are working women. The very working women who come home and their inlaws STILL want them to do all the housework and cook fresh meals each day. Fine, you can still fit in a fresh dinner every night (maybe people will have to eat dinner at 9 pm and suffer indigestion), but fresh meals 3x a day is pretty impossible for a working girl. At least cook your own goddam andha roti in the morning and salad for lunch. That shouldn't be hard work for anyone.

If you think it doesn't happen, it does. Especially in Pakistan. I've had a number of cousins and aunts who went through this, and they eather had to drop the job or the husband. One of them dropped the husband and just left. She was a lawyer, and is now a judge in the Karachi courts, and so she didn't have time to sit there and scrub the floors under her MIL's direction, which is what the ridiculous woman was demanding of her.

And this was a family that was able to afford a maasi - they were just making her do the work to put her in her place.

She left, and I don't blame her. When you get married and you enter a home, they should treat you like a daughter and you should treat them like family. I think what Reha is saying is right. When you don't get treated like a daughter, and are instead treated like crap because of an ego control issue on the part of the inlaws (and we always blame the MIL, but its not like the FIL or the husband do much to stop her, so they're equally to blame), then there is no incentive for that woman to give any respect for her inlaws either.

The stay at home women - meh. I don't plan on being one, so I have no incentive to fight for their rights. IMHO, if you're going to sit around on your butt all day and do nothing to contribute to the family other than pop out kids, you should at least cook some meals during the weak. Maybe not all, but at least some. And play a role in seriously educating your kids and teaching them some morals. I've seen too many housewives sit in front of the TV and gossip on the phone and they let their kids do anything. Just go to any desi dawat and see how many kids are misbehaving and moti behns mom is sitting there doing nothing about it, more interested in gossiping about other girls with other married women.

holy crap,.. more crap.. such thinking of your, i don't know in which world this happened but certainly not in mine and neither in anyone i know.

it's a two way traffic, if you are cooking & cleaning and crying oh my gosh.. i do this and do that.. definitely it's not helping coz we can cry too.. hey your purse cost this much or your makeup doesn't make any difference .. kind a ;)

[Reha]

@samb

the fixation with fresh meals is pretty stupid. who cares. if she's not cooking, get takeout. what's the big deal? whatever...

by the time, educated people get married, the couple's combined income be pretty decent and should easily allow them to get some paid help to take care of household tasks the couple can't be bothered with.

regarding your examples, they're clearly very jaahil, narrowminded, petty people. I certainly don't understand what goes through their heads.

as far as the rest is concerned, obviously the girl has to accept the inlaws as her family and not just inlaws and the inlaws have to accept her as their daughter and not DIL. but easier said than done I guess. just depends on the background of the people. I see people from very muhazzab, samajhdar backgrounds and they treat each other generously... and don't get hung up on petty trivial stuff. the result is a good life and happy family. then, of course there are others who're supposedly educated, talk the talk but things always end in tears because of a lack of maturity and common sense.

This fixation with fresh meals is a reality even in educated circles.

Look how often do people really spend money on take out? Maybe once or twice a week. THe rest of the time, someone better be cooking because take out for 4 people (minimum husband, wife MIL and FIL) is a pretty penny every single day. On top of that, hiring a maid? At some point you will pull the plug on this.

In most arranged marriages, the DIL is not brought in for the son...she evaluated more for how she will be for the inlaws. The education is just to brag about, what they should be looking for are some serious calf muscles, broad shoulders and a strong disposition so she can ignore all the comments about her physical features.

Look, say what you want and do what you want. No one can stop you. At the end of the day, if you want your marriages to work...learn how to balance otherwise dont get married. This girl is now 1000% your responsibility and she is depending on you. Not your mama or papa, you. And you owe it to her to keep the peace in the home...not throw her to the wolves and let her and MIL scratch it out.

[ria1328]

This fixation with fresh meals is a reality even in educated circles.

Look how often do people really spend money on take out? Maybe once or twice a week. THe rest of the time, someone better be cooking because take out for 4 people (minimum husband, wife MIL and FIL) is a pretty penny every single day. On top of that, hiring a maid? At some point you will pull the plug on this.

In most arranged marriages, the DIL is not brought in for the son...she evaluated more for how she will be for the inlaws. The education is just to brag about, what they should be looking for are some serious calf muscles, broad shoulders and a strong disposition so she can ignore all the comments about her physical features.

Look, say what you want and do what you want. No one can stop you. At the end of the day, if you want your marriages to work...learn how to balance otherwise dont get married. This girl is now 1000% your responsibility and she is depending on you. Not your mama or papa, you. And you owe it to her to keep the peace in the home...not throw her to the wolves and let her and MIL scratch it out.

Reminds me of gladiators, except the lions are stronger....