Re: So I got to thinking...
Thats your subjective men-hating opinion :p
Re: So I got to thinking...
How many of you know bahus that are getting abused (financially? morally?)
Not like in dramas, or you know of someone who knows of someone.
I can honestly say - I have seen **none **with my own eyes.
Re: So I got to thinking...
njgal, just because you haven't seen it first hand doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.
No the only reason we bring the neighbor comparison is to make a point that we are obligated towards every kind of relationship...anyways, coming back to the issue of in laws, yes, a lot of bahus are illtreated even today and the reason why some girls don't stand up for their Islamic rights is because 1. They probably aren't even aware of them 2. Because their parents don't support them and take them through guilt trips such as hamari naak kat jayi gi and 3. Because they have very low self esteem that stems from lack of education and/or our cultural set up. ** However, these days there is an increasing number of cases where girls get into a marriage with this aggressive mindset where there will be zero tolerance towards in laws. What do you say about this?**
First of all, I think some girls are developing a more "low tolerance" policy, but I wouldn't say that the "zero tolerance" Policy is in vogue with most girls. Most girls are willing to help out within their means to help out family, and I know few girls who would shut the door on their inlaws faces. None of that has to do with education or progress, because the girls who treat their inlaws like CRAP, are all girls who were raised in some dinky area in Pakistan, have low-class behavior to begin with and are generally uneducated being barely matric-passes. I know a couple of girls who don't let their inlaws come over, dont let their inlaws see their grandkids, and not one of those girls went to college. They were all raised in poor areas of Karachi, where low-class behavior is often seen with those sort of families in general.
However, a policy of lower tolerance is generally good. No, you should not let your MIL come into your home and live with you and do the following:
Tell you how to cook, clean, and do it exactly as she does it, and if you God forbid, do things in your own style, you're made to feel like crap for it.
Embarass you in front of your husband.
Try to create problems between you and your husband. Like tell him you might be cheating on him or something silly like that.
Stop you from working "Ab bohat ho gaya, ghar mein bheto and be a proper wife". WTH???
Not let you go anywhere with friends, because a proper wife never leaves her home without her husband.
Not let you make any financial decisions.
Grab your husband's check every week and decide what she wants to do with it , and you're lucky if you get some scrappings.
Order you to clean all the house and do all the cooking, while she sits back and watches her dramas.
Forbid you from seeing your parents and your friends.
Forbid you from going on the internet, emailing anyone, monitoring where you go, not letting you do groceries or shopping alone.
Dictating what you wear at home - i.e you can only wear SK at home, and not jeans.
Things like that, there should be a zero tolerance policy on.
It's the fact that we've been tolerating that kind of crap for centuries, that this sort of MIL dominance even occurs in the first place.
These sort of things just cause for stupid unnecessary fights.
And its not even that. Sometiems a MIL only has to have a sarcastic or negative tone with her bahu on a regular basis and that's enough to cause problems. If you dont want her as a bahu, you should either
- Not have let him marry her in the first place
OR
- Don't live with her. Go off and do your own thing and meet up with your son individually, you old miserable crone.
Re: So I got to thinking...
[quote]
How many of you know bahus that are getting abused (financially? morally?)
Not like in dramas, or you know of someone who knows of someone.
I can honestly say - I have seen **none **with my own eyes.
[/quote]
^Ditto!
Re: So I got to thinking...
njgal, I'm afraid I have to agree with you. I know some families where bahus may not enjoy the freedom they have in their parents homes but abuse, not really. However I have seen families where bahus are stopping their husbands from sending money home or not allowing their parents to visit and much more.
How many of you know bahus that are getting abused (financially? morally?)
Not like in dramas, or you know of someone who knows of someone.
I can honestly say - I have seen **none **with my own eyes.
I know about 3 friends personally who have had issues with abuse. One was full frank abuse. The other two were more like mental abuse. One of those had questionable physical abuse but it was sad that no one believed her even though supposedly she showed people bruises. I never saw them as this happened in Pakistan, but even then, relatives said she probably self-inflicted the bruises and she could not possibly have been seriously hit.
2 were smart enough to leave. The last one still remains with her husband as her family did not support a divorce at all. I don't know what their deal is now, if they've fixed their problems and if he's still hitting or not.
Re: So I got to thinking...
PCG, I have a MIL who's not educated much, but she doesn't even go to my bedroom without checking with me and till today has never asked her son how much he makes. Yes sometimes she says things that could be annoying but so does my ma. I think it all boils down to how willing both parties are to make it work.
Also, I have seen the low tolerance attitude in girls that come from places like Defence in Karachi. Educated, stylish bahus who can't stand their MILs hanging around just because they temporarily disrupt their freedom.
njgal, just because you haven't seen it first hand doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.
I am sure it does Mehnaz. It am not denying that it does exist. But not to the extent that it's discussed in this forum.
Even in middle class families in pakistan - I have yet to see in laws that make the bahu do everything, deny her of money.
Commenting on someone spending habits does not constitute abuse to me. Or taking away from her islamic right.
If she is a part of a joint family - she is expected to do chores as a part of the family.
I know about 3 friends personally who have had issues with abuse. One was full frank abuse. The other two were more like mental abuse. One of those had questionable physical abuse but it was sad that no one believed her even though supposedly she showed people bruises. I never saw them as this happened in Pakistan, but even then, relatives said she probably self-inflicted the bruises and she could not possibly have been seriously hit.
2 were smart enough to leave. The last one still remains with her husband as her family did not support a divorce at all. I don't know what their deal is now, if they've fixed their problems and if he's still hitting or not.
That's sad PCG. May Allah protect them all.
Re: So I got to thinking...
PCG, stop reading Teen Aurtain Teen Kahaniya please
bs, …
what a girl wants:
big separate home
maids
unlimited supply of money for shopping/trips
hang around with gf’s 24/7
parties on weekends to show up the latest fashion..
baby sitters for kids
don’t ask any questions.
…
and then you also bring islam to define your responsibilities of taking care of elders.. certainly some of you go back to parents home rightly !
Re: So I got to thinking...
Firenze praa, don't be getting all personal here. You want me to list what men want? It's not even pretty.
I use to read that too. in my school’s library.
I have never in my life ever heard anyone "openly" demanding jahez and where I come from, only jahil and indecent people would ever do that. Though most well off families do give their daughters jahez because of their own reputation, they want to show everyone how well off they are.. typical desi
I do understand your point, and I agree Islam has given a woman loads of rights, but dont you think it is kinda hypocritical to demand your (=generally speaking) rights when you dont even fulfill your farzs. For me that is like asking my boss for a bonus without doing the work.
Jahez is very much a norm there and expected from the guys' side of the family.
A bonus is something you earn because of hard work and something you're not entitled to legally. You're calling a woman's rights a bonus? I am sorry if I sound harsh but your basic human rights are not a bonus you earn over time...they are given to you the day you were born.
Why are women so mean to each other?
So, if a woman is told she cannot work, cannot ask for money to fulfill basic necessities, cannot send money to her parents, cannot see her friends or family for long periods of time...she needs to be an excellent Muslim (according to your standards) in order to demand her rights as a wife and individual?
No. Thats wrong. Your employer does not with hold your paycheck because he didnt like the quality of work you submitted last month.
Like always :@:
Fine, you get this one. But only this one!
njgal, I'm afraid I have to agree with you. I know some families where bahus may not enjoy the freedom they have in their parents homes but abuse, not really. However I have seen families where bahus are stopping their husbands from sending money home or not allowing their parents to visit and much more.
Im not talking about beating or hitting or buring the bahu alive in the kitchen like desi movies.
Im talking about things like not being allowed to work but having no access to any money.
Limited contact with family and friends for months at a time
No transportation...husband takes wife everywhere.
Complete and total dependance...
:k: ..
Re: So I got to thinking...
I heard about that once Reha...this woman who wasn't allowed to learn driving or go anywhere by herself...some other restrictions as well. Husband said it was for her own good/protection. Eventually, she involved some friends. They talked to hubby and knocked some sense into him. Now she lives a normal life.
These things do happen. I'm not sure how often though.
that’s why you shouldn’t marry the pretty airhead, who already does nothing but shop, and spend her dad’s money in her spare time, which is in fact, 24 hours of the day.
You marry the hard working girl who knows the value of a dollar, and is not going to abuse your credit card, and doesn’t have many friends to begin with, and likes babies enough to not bother with babysitters, and prefers watching tv in her jammies to showing up at socialite dinners in the latest HSY fashion.
i.e. Me 
But how many rishtay pm’s do I get from you khambakhats? None. So, go and enjoy your pretty ditz’s. 
and stop complaining.
How many of you know bahus that are getting abused (financially? morally?)
Not like in dramas, or you know of someone who knows of someone.
I can honestly say - I have seen **none **with my own eyes.
ditto, by God i can say - i never see with my eyes anything like "poor bahu" thingy
njgal, just because you haven't seen it first hand doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.
jee kidar?
bs, ....
what a girl wants: big separate home maids unlimited supply of money for shopping/trips hang around with gf's 24/7 parties on weekends to show up the latest fashion.. baby sitters for kids don't ask any questions. .....
and then you also bring islam to define your responsibilities of taking care of elders.. certainly some of you go back to parents home rightly !
Arent you married now? Thank you LORD!
Hmm...how many women do you know of that actually have this kind of lifestyle.
Star plus dramas dont count...thats not real life.