So,How to proceed...?

[Demilitarize]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

Ok there is nothing that can happen in 1 meeting or 10 that will make you feel like there is no doubt in your mind that this is the guy for you. Point being, this way or that, this is the guy your parents are going to marry you off to and I am certain they know more about him than you can figure out in a few meetings. So just leave things be, because this way or that, what they say goes. My advice is to have faith in Allah, do an istikhara and pray for the best for yourself and all involved. Allah be with you.

[nnabid]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

@Demesne

Ok there is nothing that can happen in 1 meeting or 10 that will make you feel like there is no doubt in your mind that this is the guy for you. Point being, this way or that, this is the guy your parents are going to marry you off to and I am certain they know more about him than you can figure out in a few meetings. So just leave things be, because this way or that, what they say goes. My advice is to have faith in Allah, do an istikhara and pray for the best for yourself and all involved. Allah be with you.

Yeah I agree with you on this part: one meeting is not really going to change anything - but it is also important that the parents let them at least see each other before they do the nikkah. The responsibility lies on the parents.

Also agree istikhara is important here - OP have you tried doing istikhara? Don't always expect a dream to come - sometimes you just get a feeling of tassali... or not.

[amazon]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

So,Updates on my case!!

Posting here so that it is helpful to remember what the problem was/is....

Well, it has been abt 3 months since the baat-pakki;Nikah was postponed for the time being due to some death in their family and then some family problem at our side (unforeseen circumstances)

Anyways Ive been waiting n there is absolutely no contact from the guy's side.

My parents mentioned to his parents once that they were expecting the family to bring their guy along,but they replied That its not customary in their khaandaan that guys meet girls before marriage..Okay even If i believe that,I cant come to terms with the fact that the guy has NEVER tried to contact me.I mean he couldve contacted me on fb,phone or could even have visited me once at my office without letting his parents know,of course.How can he consent to marry a TOTAL stranger, when I being a girl have countless qualms about this sequence of events???My brother has contact with him, Not informal n friendly contact but rather professional n formal sort of;That too if my brother contacts him,only then!!!He would never ring up himself.

Important to mention,even his sisters don't contact me on their own!(and I wonder they could've been a bridge to facilitate understanding b/W me n their brother)...one or two times I talked with them in past 3 months was when I ringed them up.

The only liaison is what is between his parents n my parents.his mom/dad call my parents once in every 1-2 weeks or drop a visit at our place occasionally;n being very sweet n all!!

I feel so UNWANTED!!I feel like my future hangs in balance!!!ppl say post-engagement n Pre-wedding period is beautiful but for me its PURE SIMPLE Agony!!I wish to erase this chapter from my life!!!

N yet I dnt know what to do....???

[humanityfirst]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

Don't panic.
You cannot judge him in a single meeting.
If you have some reservations get some references and clear your doubts.

[khawateen]

think of it like this:

its best if siblings dont interact with the bil/sil to be because so much can be misunderstood and go wrong. baat pukki hui hai... nikkah nahi. in a perfect world it woild be very easy and straight forward... but thats not the case always.

i never spoke to my sil (nand) in the engagement period..same with my bhabi... both were on fb..didnt matter. only exceptions were festive days like eid etc... it keeps things safe..especially if they are complete strangers.

so dont take it to heart...

[Iconoclast]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

@amazon

So,Updates on my case!!

Posting here so that it is helpful to remember what the problem was/is....

Well, it has been abt 3 months since the baat-pakki;Nikah was postponed for the time being due to some death in their family and then some family problem at our side (unforeseen circumstances)

Anyways Ive been waiting n there is absolutely no contact from the guy's side.

My parents mentioned to his parents once that they were expecting the family to bring their guy along,but they replied That its not customary in their khaandaan that guys meet girls before marriage..Okay even If i believe that,I cant come to terms with the fact that the guy has NEVER tried to contact me.I mean he couldve contacted me on fb,phone or could even have visited me once at my office without letting his parents know,of course.How can he consent to marry a TOTAL stranger, when I being a girl have countless qualms about this sequence of events???My brother has contact with him, Not informal n friendly contact but rather professional n formal sort of;That too if my brother contacts him,only then!!!He would never ring up himself.

Important to mention,even his sisters don't contact me on their own!(and I wonder they could've been a bridge to facilitate understanding b/W me n their brother)...one or two times I talked with them in past 3 months was when I ringed them up.

The only liaison is what is between his parents n my parents.his mom/dad call my parents once in every 1-2 weeks or drop a visit at our place occasionally;n being very sweet n all!!

I feel so UNWANTED!!I feel like my future hangs in balance!!!ppl say post-engagement n Pre-wedding period is beautiful but for me its PURE SIMPLE Agony!!I wish to erase this chapter from my life!!!

N yet I dnt know what to do....???

Frankly, its not really as common as people here or your friends are making it out to be. Its pretty common for boy and girl not to have direct contact in Pakistan.

And as others said, a meeting here or there can break it but less likely to make it.

[Sasha21]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

OP can u plz just whatsapp him already! All this agony is just a waste of time. Just get the number from ur bros cell and msg him. I can hardly believe that he will refuse to talk to u. Just msg him saying hi hello whatever and that u we're hoping that u could get to know him and that this whole situation of jumping into the unknown is making u antsy, and u would feel more at ease if u could at least make normal small talk with him. Make sure u point out that u would appreciate his discretion in this matter since both ur families r so conservative and that it would not be viewed in a positive light. Just do it already! Continue doing the istikharah prayer... Maybe the unforeseen circumstances mean something.

[S02]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

If you don't want to marry a complete stranger, TELL YOUR PARENTS and make them facilitate a meeting.

This is ridiculousness.

[SaeedinPakistan]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

@Iconoclast

Frankly, its not really as common as people here or your friends are making it out to be. Its pretty common for boy and girl not to have direct contact in Pakistan.

And as others said, a meeting here or there can break it but less likely to make it.

It being common does not mean it's not ridiculous. And it is going to remain the norm unless young people stand up against this practice. No one said change was easy.

[Iconoclast]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

^Its more ridiculous to consider a couple of meetings before marriage as getting to know your spouse. It will still be marrying a stranger. If she wants to get to know her b4 marriage, then she shud tell her parents and boy that they need to wait on wedding arrangements till, they know each other well.

[muslimdaughter]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

most difficult and the most easiest question at the same time.
why we have born?
where are we going?
to WHOM we have to answer?
what is the answer...

[Eastern_Dresses]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

So,I am a 20-something working girl,whose baat got pakki-fied 3 weeks back to a guy,like 2 yrs older to me..well,He is the only son of his parents.I n my parents liked the family..They liked ours.n baat got pakkified within 2 weeks time. As regards me n the guy,we have just seen each others' pics,not in actual. Now the plan is Nikah is about a month's time. I'm kind of panicked.I want to meet the guy at least once or twice before the Nikkah,But:

1:.my parents are REALLY Conservative in this matter;They say that They have met the guy and family,n have taken the best decision fr me n I need to shake all fears and not doubt unneccessarily.

2:The guy himself hasn't communicated or expressed that he wants to meet or talk...so Isnt it inappropraite fr me to try to initiate the talk...if at all I want to do.??

3:I dnt feel any sort of sentiments as regards my spouse-to-be n how possibly I can have..?or is it too early to expect this?

4:Almost all of my friends show amazement that how have I committed without even meeting/talking once and it makes me feel so miserable that I have stopped breaking the news of my engagement to ppl now!!cuz What they say next is that How's the guy n when I say that I havent met him,They are like....??

Sounds complex,doesnt it??

Honestly I don't understand why everyone is so fixated on the idea that meeting is necessary. I don't think it is. Its alright to be scared and uncertain when you don't know the person. My question for you, other than the ho hai's of your friends, what is your concern and how do you think meeting the guy would solve that? Can you list the things that you know about the guy already? Did you plan to have a love marriage and was that communicated to your parents earlier? If you met the guy and didn't get goose bumps, will you call it off?

Considering it is an arranged marriage, that is how it is done. Some people call this process ridiculous and some, when they are thirty something complain that their parents didn't take any steps in the right direction at the right time.

Arranged marriage comes in a package and I'd really suggest that you ask for feedback from the people who have had arranged marriages. People who choose their own spouses or intend to do that will not be able to tell you what you should expect, what is realistic and how to proceed.

[NaMaan]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

Honey let's face it ... You are not presentable enough and your parents are doing you a favor :D

j/k

[soconfused]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

@Eastern_Dresses

Honestly I don't understand why everyone is so fixated on the idea that meeting is necessary. I don't think it is. Its alright to be scared and uncertain when you don't know the person. My question for you, other than the ho hai's of your friends, what is your concern and how do you think meeting the guy would solve that? Can you list the things that you know about the guy already? Did you plan to have a love marriage and was that communicated to your parents earlier? If you met the guy and didn't get goose bumps, will you call it off?

Considering it is an arranged marriage, that is how it is done. Some people call this process ridiculous and some, when they are thirty something complain that their parents didn't take any steps in the right direction at the right time.

Arranged marriage comes in a package and I'd really suggest that you ask for feedback from the people who have had arranged marriages. People who choose their own spouses or intend to do that will not be able to tell you what you should expect, what is realistic and how to proceed.

My friends and I have gone through the arranged process --some of them have even gotten married to these prospects but they MET the guy. Yeah, there wasn't lots of interaction like you would see in a "love" marriage because they weren't talking to each other constantly, but they met face to face 2-3x if for no other reason than to make sure the other person wasn't being forced into marrying without their will. I don't know, my cousins in Pak met their fiances too...maybe not dating and whatever but they had some sort of interaction. Even when I was going through the arranged process (which didnt' work out), the guy still tried contacting me because he WANTED to even though our parents wanted to keep the communication/hanging out at a minimum.

[mashaal_jawad]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

to be honest when I read ur first post I was like yea go ahead no big deal. but 3 months passed n guy didn't make any effort to meet u. more important thing is why his parent never bought him to ur home , I pray from Allah that all the best happens to u but Islam allow us one meeting I don't understand the mentality that v can go to co ed ,work at mix gender place but can't meet once to the person v getting marry
plz keep ur self strong n for once ask this question straight to the guy r u happy with this rishta?
u can meet him at ur home in lawn or terrace bcz if u go outside with ur will it can put a red flag in their eye as u said his family is old school thoughts

[Eastern_Dresses]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

@soconfused

My friends and I have gone through the arranged process --some of them have **even **gotten married to these prospects but they MET the guy. Yeah, there wasn't lots of interaction like you would see in a "love" marriage because they weren't talking to each other constantly, but they met face to face 2-3x if for no other reason than to make sure the other person wasn't being forced into marrying without their will. I don't know, my cousins in Pak met their fiances too...maybe not dating and whatever but they had some sort of interaction. Even when I was going through the arranged process (which didnt' work out), the guy still tried contacting me because he WANTED to even though our parents wanted to keep the communication/hanging out at a minimum.

When demographics change, definition of arranged marriage changes as well. My questions for OP are still valid though. Its been 3 months that she's engaged so is there a possibility that she will call it off for whatever reasons? If not, instead of telling her that she is right in feeling miserable, how about being a little supportive?

[Demilitarize]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

O it's just a month OP. if it was a year long engagement I may agree with u and say you should meet. Why bother. Just enjoy the big party planning and accept that this is just how things panned out. A month isn't too long. Chill and enjoy being a bride.

[Iconoclast]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

The boys start to behave like husbands right from baat pakki, while girls are in girl friend mode.

[Mamzie]

Re: So,How to proceed...?

@OP.

Maybe they are just a cold family I'd be very turned off too.

[amazon]

Re: So,How to proceed…?

Aoa everyone
Here to update everyone on my case
I did istakhara in Ramadan last yr n though i didnt get any clear sign/Ishara yet got a great deal of tassali and sakoon in my heart thatevrything will be alright iA.After that i left everything in Allah’s hands and started wedding preps n just kept praying.Never talked to my fiance or met him during the 11 months of our engagement period.
Anyways I Got married in dec 2014 . Alhamdulillah life cant be more beautiful. My husband is soo sooo sweet n caring mA n a thorough gentleman inside out. I cant imagine how could i think of calling off this rishta same time last yr…
I asked my husband why he didnt contct me even once n he said that he trusted Allah n his parents completely in this matter n also didnt want to initiate talking before getting tied in a halal relationship i.e nikkah…now getting to know him n his family in past 5 Months i understand that they are really reaaly nice but conservative in this matter.Every family is different.
Anyways sharing this brief summary so that ppl in scenarios like me get comforted. Also in any problem remember to turn towards Allah,pray n put ur tawakkul in Him.iA everything will turn out to be perfect.
For everyone who prayed fr me,may Allah reward u fr that.Ameen