Re: So,How to proceed...?
Nikah is in one months time & you guys haven't seen each other in real, I mean whats the rush?
lagtaa hai in donoN kii shaadii nahiiN ho rahii bal k in donoN ke guDDe aur guDDii kii shaadii ho rahii hai. :D
Re: So,How to proceed...?
WhatsApp him...
Now complex at all, since its a one time deal only, its best to be sure. So try and get the guy to meet you at a neutral and public place with company of friends or family.
No one should object to this. Parents should allow to meet as its your life that hangs in the balance.
So,I am a 20-something working girl,whose baat got pakki-fied 3 weeks back to a guy,like 2 yrs older to me..well,He is the only son of his parents.I n my parents liked the family..They liked ours.n baat got pakkified within 2 weeks time. As regards me n the guy,we have just seen each others' pics,not in actual. Now the plan is Nikah is about a month's time. I'm kind of panicked.I want to meet the guy at least once or twice before the Nikkah,But:
1:.my parents are REALLY Conservative in this matter;They say that They have met the guy and family,n have taken the best decision fr me n I need to shake all fears and not doubt unneccessarily.
2:The guy himself hasn't communicated or expressed that he wants to meet or talk...so Isnt it inappropraite fr me to try to initiate the talk...if at all I want to do.??
3:I dnt feel any sort of sentiments as regards my spouse-to-be n how possibly I can have..?or is it too early to expect this?
4:Almost all of my friends show amazement that how have I committed without even meeting/talking once and it makes me feel so miserable that I have stopped breaking the news of my engagement to ppl now!!cuz What they say next is that How's the guy n when I say that I havent met him,They are like....??
Sounds complex,doesnt it??
Re: So,How to proceed...?
Nikah is in one months time & you guys haven't seen each other in real, I mean whats the rush?
rush would be that a person shouldnt make a decision on blind faith esp if your life is in question. should know a llittle and have atleast met each other once..
Not to say someting may be wrong physically but things happen and get found once nikah is done and its too late later. I have come to know persoanlly two cases where it was just done in blind faith and few months down the line... both parties had to divorce because the girl side didnt make themselves clear that their daughter was ill but neglected to mention how badly ill...
Re: So,How to proceed...?
If you see my post before I also think they should try to get the meeting but clearly Nikaah is going to happen no matter what, because they obviously haven't given her the right to say no in this case, they don't value her opinion and she has no choice. Otherwise she would have had a chance to meet him with someone chaperoning them.
Edit: If she ends up disliking him for some reason she can't say no can she now unless she convinces her parents.
She absolutely can say no. The final decision is hers. If she chooses to allow other people to make one of the most important decisions of her life for her, that's fine, but she needs to be willing to deal with the consequences of that.
Re: So,How to proceed...?
She absolutely can say no. The final decision is hers. If she chooses to allow other people to make one of the most important decisions of her life for her, that's fine, but she needs to be willing to deal with the consequences of that.
Yes I would love it if she could say no (If she doesn't like him), but chances are she probably won't herself. If she can't even ask her parents if she can talk to the guy how is she meant to say no. She of course has the right to but unless she meets him how will she be able to say no. I wish she is able to to get a chance to meet him at least once before the Nikah.
Yes, if she doesn't fight it now and regrets it later then there will be no point in that. It is better she toughens up now and gets told off trying to meet him rather than never trying.
Re: So,How to proceed...?
Also - It is your right to see him, by that Islamic right. The Prophet SAW advised to see future spouse at least once. What if you hate the way he looks when you see him. It will be downright impossible to say Qubool nahi hai on Nikkah day.
Re: So,How to proceed...?
Too many women hide behind the "my parents are so strict" excuse and do not take responsibility or ownership of their lives. It is part of their upbringing, but it is not acceptable. If they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to behave like women, rather than girls. It is not easy in many cases of course, but you have to try.
Re: So,How to proceed...?
Too many women hide behind the "my parents are so strict" excuse and do not take responsibility or ownership of their lives. It is part of their upbringing, but it is not acceptable. If they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to behave like women, rather than girls. It is not easy in many cases of course, but you have to try.
exactly! But it applies to men too where if the men are old enough to get married they are old enough to behave like men rather than little boys and take responsibility of their own lives and stop hiding behind "my parents are making me". I've seen quite a few desi men that hide behind that little statement and can't make decisions on their own. Grow up guys!!
Re: So,How to proceed...?
^^That's quite true but I think parents are largely to blame for this behaviour as well. In many such cases, parents hold the belief that their sons and daughters are children, or rather "girls"/"boys" until they get married and only begin treating them like adults after they are married. They often don't teach their children to make responsible decisions or behave like adults but instead make all of their decisions for them. If someone is treated like a child all the way through to adulthood, it is likely that their mentality is going to be rather childlike. It isn't surprising that people raised this way resort to "my parents won't let me" when faced with important decisions because they were never taught to make these difficult decisions for themselves.
I quite agree that people should take responsibility for their own lives rather than hiding behind this "my parents are so strict" bit. However, for this to happen, parents must actually teach them how to make those decisions for themselves throughout their lives. People only behave like adults and take responsibility for their decisions when they are taught to do so.
**I'm not implying that this is the case with the OP, but rather in general.
Re: So,How to proceed...?
Too many women hide behind the "my parents are so strict" excuse and do not take responsibility or ownership of their lives. It is part of their upbringing, but it is not acceptable. If they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to behave like women, rather than girls. It is not easy in many cases of course, but you have to try.
If my parents ever try to do that there is no way I would agree to it. Even if it causes world war 3 in the house I would because at the end of the day I'm going to be living with that guy not them, ME!!!! If I've given my parents the right to find someone for me and arrange a marriage then I also should be given the space to decide if that person is right for me. LOL and the sad thing is that it happens in well-educated homes as well. If you've let your child pick practically everything in their life, such as clothes, what they want to eat, etc then why are they not consulted in the most important decision of their lives. If you are so sure about the choice you've made for your child then there shouldn't be any hesitation in letting them meet.
Re: So,How to proceed...?
So,I am a 20-something working girl,whose baat got pakki-fied 3 weeks back to a guy,like 2 yrs older to me..well,He is the only son of his parents.I n my parents liked the family..They liked ours.n baat got pakkified within 2 weeks time. As regards me n the guy,we have just seen each others' pics,not in actual. Now the plan is Nikah is about a month's time. I'm kind of panicked.I want to meet the guy at least once or twice before the Nikkah,But:
1:.my parents are REALLY Conservative in this matter;They say that They have met the guy and family,n have taken the best decision fr me n I need to shake all fears and not doubt unneccessarily.
2:The guy himself hasn't communicated or expressed that he wants to meet or talk...so Isnt it inappropraite fr me to try to initiate the talk...if at all I want to do.??
3:I dnt feel any sort of sentiments as regards my spouse-to-be n how possibly I can have..?or is it too early to expect this?
4:Almost all of my friends show amazement that how have I committed without even meeting/talking once and it makes me feel so miserable that I have stopped breaking the news of my engagement to ppl now!!cuz What they say next is that How's the guy n when I say that I havent met him,They are like....??
Sounds complex,doesnt it??
Question: So you now want to meet the guy after your baat is PAKKIFIED ... what if after meeting you don't like the guy ? How are you planning to tackle the situation. Is there an option to say NO after the BAAT HAS BEEN PAKKIFIED ?
If the answer is YES .. then you should have done it before the baat is pakkified, regardles ... you should convince your parents
If the answer is NO .. then why are you stressing that much ? It wouldn't matter what kind a person is he when you aren't going to say NO .. .. so why are you trying to take a step which will plant more doubts in your thoughts. Just go with the flow the way you were earlier when the BAAT WAS PAKKIFIED
Re: So,How to proceed...?
OP u should try to get his cell number somehow and just give him a call. There is no need to meet. Do u know u will actually get more questions answered and feel more comfortable to aask the right questions if u just talk on the phone. Just get the number and call him when u know no one will bother u and u'll have complete privacy. U can just tell him that since u guys are getting married u wanted to get to know him a little and ask him some things that ur concerned about. That's it, it's as easy as that. If for whatever reason u would still like to meet him then when uv talked to him a couple of times u can casually throw that in. But if ur parents are conservative then there is no way they're going to be ok with that. Cuz when u go thru official channels u have to go all the way, his parents knowing, ur parents knowing I think that's just too much pressure on the conversation and the meeting. (And mostly girls parents r worried about what the guys family will think of them if they let their daughter do so much mixing with the guy, I know because I have conservative parents too). Then ur mom will also want to know what u talked about and what the guy said and why u said this and that, whatever.
When I got engaged I was already aware of the fact that my dad especially will never agree to any kind of alone time (in a public place) with my fiancé so I never asked and never expected. But my husband asked me, I said sorry not gonna happen, he said he'll take permission from my parents, I still told him it won't happen. He went ahead spoke to my mom, his mom spoke to my mom. My mom said that I don't think my dad will allow but she'll go ahead and ask him. She asked he said no. Then the most embarrassing conversation ensued where my dad talked to his mom and said k Hamari family Mae aesay nahi hota (although in future family rishtas it's happened, and apparently now he doesn't have so much of an issue with it, yes lame I know) and k aapki beti hae aapki amaanat hae nikah k baad aapki ho jayegi. (on a side note all these rules still applied after nikah and before rukhsati, yes lame I know). And this was a no not to a date with hubby but a trip to the mall and dinner with his whole family present. Anyway, I still met him once before he left :) without anyone knowing. And my dad had specifically told my mom to tell me k larkay waalay aaye huay Haen (to our country of residence) laikin mujhay unkay saath ghoomnay phirnay ki koi zaroorat nahi hae (as in don't go around meeting up for any dates or whatever).
Re: So,How to proceed...?
As expected,most of the replies make me feel even more miserable n unexpectadly, some are quite comforting :)
Actually to start with,I guess It was my mistake cuz very initially when the proposal came,I told my parents that I would be 100% agreed with whatever their choice be for me.n this is actually the way i feel...so I thought I dnt have to fret much in this regard n will meet the guy(whom my parents approve)in due course of time.
Bt I started getting apprehensive when things startd rushing up n baat got pakkified with in just two family meetings and somehow,without the guy turning up.
Parents actually like this guy much(met him once when they went to his home) and esp the family....U know kind of frequency-matches-type-thing.
So NO scenario for saying NO at this point in time and space.
Discussed with my mum few days back n she said if I wanted this bad to see the guy,I should have said it b4 the baat got pakkified.At this point,raising the demand that I need to meet the guy,might raise some doubts in minds of everyone concerned(the guy's family ,that is)".
The kind of concerns m having are primarily,what if the guy is interested elsewhere...n he is just being forced into marriage..?n he isnt interested at all,n may be thats y he doesnt wanna talk...?n secondly any of my friends that get to know abt my engagement are like,WHAT??U SAID YES WITHOUT EVEN MEETING THE GUY ONCE??(n that makes me feel miserable cux sadly m one of those ppl who are affected gr8ly by others' opinions)
I know it sounds complex...n yeah its causing turbulence inside my head...!!
Re: So,How to proceed...?
^ amazon, it isn't that complex. I agree with what Noor321 said...if you don't have the option to say NO...and why put yourself thru this. Asking to meet or talk to him at this point would be odd. All parties agrees to the nikkah but a week later the girl wants to meet the guys first.
You gave your parent the permission to pick a guy for you, and they did. Trust their pick. Stop telling friends about it, your close friends would/should know your family and how conservative they are...and they should respect that. The "friends" who are questioning your decision, don't know you or your family well.
Re: So,How to proceed...?
in my opinion, u dun have to meet him.. i personally beleive in the thing that ur parents have thought best for u.. 2ndly dnt try to approach the guy urself as it dun seem reasonable.. as u said its so early to expect/develop feelings for ur husband to be.. let it go.. once nikkah would be done, surely u both wil develop positive feelings for each other in sha ALLAH .. so i would suggest u to leave everything on Allah Tala.. wish u good luck :)
Ameen...Thnks a million fr the good wishes...:)
Re: So,How to proceed...?
If you see my post before I also think they should try to get the meeting but clearly Nikaah is going to happen no matter what, because they obviously haven't given her the right to say no in this case, they don't value her opinion and she has no choice. Otherwise she would have had a chance to meet him with someone chaperoning them.
Edit: If she ends up disliking him for some reason she can't say no can she now unless she convinces her parents.
I like your posts,:),though circumstances arent this bad..LOL... its not like they dnt give value to my opinion.Point is that what do I do at this stage??..Thing is that I handed all my authorty over to them by my own free will n now confused and flabbergasted at the pace of things....!!
Re: So,How to proceed...?
May Allah bless you all fr taking time out to read it n give your opinions...Plz spare a moment to pray fr me that all goes well....Love or Arranged,Its a blind bet always!!!
Re: So,How to proceed…?
Inshallah everything will be fine. Of course at the end of the day until you don’t live with someone you will never know how the other person is so it doesn’t matter if it is Arranged or Love as long as it isn’t Forced. Just trust your parents and Allah and make dua to Allah that your life is always full of happiness and I will do dua for you as well.
Also I read your other comments, I guess there has been a misunderstanding between you and your parents lol. You thought you were just handing them the responsibility of finding someone and then you would get a chance to say yes or no but they thought they had the last Yes or No. 
But I would make sure you clear this with your mum that you thought something else. Also I have heard that once Nikaah happens Allah automatically creates love in the hearts of the couple for each other.
If you however really want to know the guy’s opinion because you are worried he may have been forced then I would try some how to make sure you get this straight from the guy because his parents will not tell it to you or your parents that he is being forced. So just think it through and explain it rationally to your mum.
Re: So,How to proceed...?
I think you can tell your parents that you trust them to find a guy they feel is best for you, but you don't feel they know him well enough to decide yet, and that you want more time.
Why is there such a rush for this nikkah? Why do they want their daughter marrying a stranger?
Re: So,How to proceed...?
Why are some people suggesting here that even if OP meets the fiancé she now cant say No if she doesn't like him?
How can she possibly like or dislike him in just one meeting of few minutes anyway? You cant and should not form an opinion of the person in just first meeting.
OP if you want to meet him to get the general feel and to see and have a little chit chat with the one you are going to spend the rest of your life, it is all natural but if you want to meet him in order to get the answers of your questions that whether he is interested in you or someone else etc then forget that. i don't think he would unfold himself in just one meeting with you.
also don't think about negatives, he probably would not be interested in you as such at this point in time, because as he is a stranger to you, you are also a stranger to him,right? he also doesn't know you and i doubt if anyone can be interested in someone he doesn't know. the interest would develop over time between you two. so even if you manage to ask this question to him, i wonder what answer would you get.
also don't fee like if he has not talked to you, he would be interested somewhere else because you have also not talked to him, not seen him, and the reason for this is your family mindset and not because you are interested somewhere else. Same can go for him too. as you mentioned that his family hasn't brought the guy to your place so he can see you, and your family met him when they visited his house, it looks like the guy's family is also as conservative as yours, and it is very much likely that with the conservative brought up the guy would be seeing to initiate a meeting with you at this point in time as inappropriate. My suggestion to you is to take it easy and do not let the negative thoughts ruin your time. the decision is taken and now you should put your trust in ALLAH. everything will be fine for you inshallah.