a lot of people have said that although the what he did was wrong but , however he was pushed into it by Nadz thereby justifying his violence. He should have removed himself from the situation and not resorted to violence. I dnt think there is a solution here. but condoning violence perpetuates the victim blaming
But Hmmna...he WAS pushed by nadz. How can you come to a solution if you don't properly identify the problem? It doesn't justify it...doesn't make it okay BUT it does tell us why he did what he did so it can be **avoided **next time. If we keep choosing to ignore the cause of such a reaction, we are being unreasonable. We are also encouraging nadz to not work on her own issues. And bear in mind, this is not a friendship, this is a marriage with two kids involved.
This will not be easy to work through...but it has to be done, no?
Oh yaaron bas kar do. Stop replying to nadz. In the 5-6 years she's been on GS, and among the 500+ threads she's started during that time, when has she ever ever listened to any advice, good or bad, or acted like a grown up? Leave her alone. Let her be. Let her resolve her conflicts on her own. She is unwilling to improve her behavior in any shape or form, and all we do, with our well intentions, is to help her. But it's just so not worth it anymore at this point. Even in this thread, she started with "he hit me" and ended up with "yeah umm i can't really remember he just pulled my hand and maybe pulled my hair maybe i don't know". And nowhere has she said what she is willing to do to now. She is just here to get sympathy, and we are giving her bowl full of it over and over again.
Oh yaaron bas kar do. Stop replying to nadz. In the 5-6 years she's been on GS, and among the 500+ threads she's started during that time, when has she ever ever listened to any advice, good or bad, or acted like a grown up? Leave her alone. Let her be. Let her resolve her conflicts on her own. She is unwilling to improve her behavior in any shape or form, and all we do, with our well intentions, is to help her. But it's just so not worth it anymore at this point. Even in this thread, she started with "he hit me" and ended up with "yeah umm i can't really remember he just pulled my hand and maybe pulled my hair maybe i don't know". And nowhere has she said what she is willing to do to now. She is just here to get sympathy, and we are giving her bowl full of it over and over again.
Essie, there is nothing wrong with wanting sympathy. She just wants to vent, which in itself is helpful to her. Even if she does not take anybody's advice, it is ok. At least she has a forum to let it out.
Essie, there is nothing wrong with wanting sympathy. She just wants to vent, which in itself is helpful to her. Even if she does not take anybody's advice, it is ok. At least she has a forum to let it out.
OYMWA, that's why we have blogs here. Specifically for venting. She has been told in the past to take it to the blogs. If you're starting a thread, in Life1, the unwritten rule is that you're here to get some kind of advice, some perspective. She's been given the perspective from even before she got married. But she still did what she wanted to do. And she is still doing what she wants to do. What upsets me is how much time and energy everyone else is spending on someone they don't know, haven't met, and probably wouldn't, because the genuinely feel for that person. And all OP does is go on her merry way, and makes the rest of us look stupid.
If I was constantly provoked, even I'd lose it. And generally speaking, for some reason its okay if a woman slaps a man if he's disrespecting her. Its a double standard.
Nadz HAS to take some responsibility now. She has to make a change. She has a 4 year old daughter who WILL remember all of this in due time.
Physical violence is never okay. But lets not be unreasonable and expect the patience of saints from normal human beings.
There have to be lines you cannot cross. Even verbally. Its not okay to keep pushing your husband. Its not okay to provoke him when you see he's already angry. Its not okay to call him an inadequate provider for his family when that is his most basic role in a marriage.
One more thing nadz. Just because you're husband and wife doesn't mean kindness towards each other go out the window. It won't make you less of a person if you show him a nice side of you. You're not a doormat if you diffuse a situation by staying quiet when you see trouble brewing. Challenging and engaging someone in a fight doesn't make you strong or prove to anyone that you are smart. It simply pushes your partner away from you and makes you post threads here out of frustration. You probably thought you were standing up for yourself but what actually happened as a result of that? Did you make a worthy point to him? Did he understand you? No. Because you haven't understood him or how to communicate effectively with him.
Try to understand your spouse...what kind of a person he is. What he likes and wants from you. Eventually, you will get the same back. Your husband isn't a jerk by nature. He's one of many many men that are caught between the saas-bahu and domestic politics crossfire.
Great advice for any couple. Or any relationship. "Hit" all the points.
Guys, guys....y'aalll need to calm down. This ain't over yet. I have a feeling we will see a thread where we'll find out that Nadz told her MIL about her son dragging her.....and will be "shocked" that MIL didn't react strongly enough. I could be wrong, but that might happen.
Nadz...whatever you do...just don't have high hopes from sasoo maa.
OYMWA, that's why we have blogs here. Specifically for venting. She has been told in the past to take it to the blogs. If you're starting a thread, in Life1, the unwritten rule is that you're here to get some kind of advice, some perspective. She's been given the perspective from even before she got married. But she still did what she wanted to do. And she is still doing what she wants to do. What upsets me is how much time and energy everyone else is spending on someone they don't know, haven't met, and probably wouldn't, because the genuinely feel for that person. And all OP does is go on her merry way, and makes the rest of us look stupid.
True...she should have used the blogs to do it. By opening something here for discussion, maybe it will benefit others who are in a similar situation. I wouldn't make a big deal about where it is posted. And I also ask others giving advice not to take it to heart if your advice goes unheeded. Am not saying that coz its nadz, it applies to all posters who come here seeking our input.
Guys, guys....y'aalll need to calm down. This ain't over yet. I have a feeling we will see a thread where we'll find out that Nadz told her MIL about her son dragging her.....and will be "shocked" that MIL didn't react strongly enough. I could be wrong, but that might happen.
Nadz...whatever you do...just don't have high hopes from sasoo maa.
y'all need to get fixin to get your kicks outside of other people's marital problems.
Just been reading the posts. Everyone's pretty much said all there is to say. Honestly everyone has problems in their marriage and with in laws but there has to come a time when you just have to stand back and realise that you need to get over it and grow up. If having two children doesn't encourage maturity then no amount of advice from random strangers will ever help. The OP needs to grow up. And only she can allow herself to do that.
Man or woman. Both need to be responsible. They don't have to be...they need to be though IF they want to last.
And I know lots of women who can do some serious damage to their men. Usually those proportions don't apply to our desi ladies anyway. Humari larkiyan kaafi khatay peetay gharanon se taalluq rakhne vali hein. Sams Club or Costco ki memberships bila vaja thori rakhi hein humne.
Men should be responsible with their strength is what I should have said. And the weight numbers were me and my sister with an additional five pounds each. The weight was added to compensate for after marriage weight gain. And both of us are pretty desi since we grew up in Pakistan.
I wanted to make comment about his.audacity to read namaz but I didn't.
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Iss line ko paRheiN... Baar baar. This what is called "control". Controlling one's actions, controlling one's tongue.
From the example quoted it shows you know how to control your tongue. You need to do a lot more of it, like a lottttttt!
Most sensible people will tell you that staying quite at the right time can save you from a lot of headache later. Think back... Had you only not taunted him when you saw him angry none of what happened after that would have occurred.
I reread the original post; I had forgotten some of the details. It was nice of her to go to her husband and offer to make him something else to eat. But he was too angry to appreciate this offer. He could have roared, "I don't want anything; leave me alone!!!"...as opposed to saying she can't cook. They both lost patience, but some credit goes to Nadz for trying to compromise ...at least at the start of the argument. She managed...if only briefly...to show a bit more control than him.
Most sensible people will tell you that staying quite at the right time can save you from a lot of headache later. Think back... Had you only not taunted him when you saw him angry none of what happened after that would have occurred.
So you are saying that the physical abuse she received - she deserved it?
So you are saying that the physical abuse she received - she deserved it?
No, I don't think that's what she meant. I didn't get that from her post. I think she's just emphasizing the importance of control.
Let's say you have a very short-tempered boss. If he fires you because he can't control his temper....that doesn't justify the firing. It doesn't mean that you deserved to be sacked. You push yourself to work around this problem. So, if you want to keep your job, then you have to act in a way that does not fuel an already tense situation. The boss is wrong, he's displaying lack of control....but you can choose to not follow his example. It doesn't make the consequences of the temper "deserved."
She told him "don't eat it then." It's not the nicest response, but it's not the worst thing to be told. She tried to correct the situation by offering to make him something else...he took a shot at her cooking skills. At this point....seeing that his mind is clouded by a red haze...she could have backed off silently. None of them "deserved" the mean things saud to each other nor the physical aggression.
That's the thing with anger. Once buttons are pressed, and anger gets out of control, there is no thinking. Rational thought goes out the window, and you just react, rather than act.
What OP went thru was pretty bad. You can pull past posts and throw it in her face, but she's going thru a tough time now, and she needs support, not eggs thrown at her. If you guys want to give advice, be nice about it at least.
I'd go with the second option. That was probably the only way to drown her constant nagging down (other than turn to God and say his prayers).
I reread the account. He was in a foul mood since the morning, mad that the maid doesn't iron the trousers properly. He could have ironed them himself, but maybe he doesn't think he can or he had other things to tend to. Nadz says that he "keeps asking her to iron them"....if she refused to iron or perhaps forgets to iron them...that might have aggravated him.
He goes to work..prolly spent hours there...and who knows what went down at work. He comes home...maybe in the evening....and is not pleased with the salan. She tells him not to eat it then. Is that the worst thing that could be said? I don't think so. If someone doesn't like the food, you can't force or guilt them into eating it. It was not that rude of a comment, but it vexed him even more. Give Nadz some credit for going to him and offering to make him something else to eat. That shows concern and maturity though it was a bit delayed and not her initial response. She could have "nagged" him about the cooking, but she didn't. At least no mention of it in her account.
She decided to do something more proactive about the salan dilemma. He STILL hadn't cooled down at that point. He did not appreciate her consideration and offer to cook him something else ...which he could have...had he calmed down. But instead he snarled at her and said her cooking sucks. For a wife, that's hurtful....k aik to main is maslay ka hal dhoondnay ki koshish kar rahi hoon as I don't want him to go hungry......and oopar se he's telling me I can't cook.
For many wives, cooking for the family is among their basic responsibilities and if she truly feels that she puts in her best effort to make a decent meal.....then such a comment would sting. At this point....let's acknowledge husband is more in the wrong...and this has naught to do with any nagging. She then hits him hard with saying he doesn't earn enough. Yeeeowch. That was bad and who knows if it was the first time or the umpteenth time she has put him down for that.
So, let's say it's evening time....and there are a few hours to kill before it's time to sleep. So, husband's anger had been roiling and boiling during this whole time. Come time to sleep and he feels repulsed by her and he could have removed himself from the room...but decided that the comfortable, ample-sized bed was big enough for only one of them and he just could not be content with the two of them sleeping on the same bed with great distance between them. So, impose on your spouse to sleep in a less comfortable situation. Was he right here? Was he mature here? No and No. And when he dragged her, pulled her hair? No.
I don't know how much of an influence Nadz's nagging over the years had on this one particular day.....but looking at strictly the events in her account of just this day...he deserves some shade for his attitude and harkatein. Maybe the TV volume served a dual-function....to drown out her crying and maybe also the chiding of his own conscience. That's another way to look at it.