Redvelvet give it a rest will you? You asked shaa to maybe you should follow your own advice. I condemn violence. Im saying that men and women should be held accountable to the same standards of violence.
I never fought the argument for men being violent so u need to read properly and understand before you commence having a cry. I was simply pointing out people didnt really bat an eyelid at a woman who said she would strike someone for the same reason that mr nadz did.
Please read and comprehend before you start dropping your holier than thou nuggets of wisdom. Kkthx.
Jinn ki deewani, perhaps you intended the word "jin" for your username but what you have already is a more apt fit. You do seem possessed. I wasn't lecturing you or attacking you or even chiding you. I wasn't even disagreeing with your stance. I just added to your views, that neither of them have license to any sort of abuse be it verbal or physical. Is that not what you also believe in? Before projectile vomiting your rage at others, take a Midol and read s-l-o-w-l-y. Your response to my post clearly shows your own lack of comprehension of my post and its tone/intent.
Sigh, I had a feeling youd say that. Youre too predictable. Just leave me alone please. Id rather not be harassed pointlessly. I dont understand why you need to address sarcasm. Its really boring. I mean apart from your passive aggressive but woeful dig at my username. That was mildly entertaining.
Your feathers ruffle at the drop of a hat. Please dont include me in your regular sermons where you like to shed knowledge on the less enlightened of us. I mean without you I wouldnt know or anyone that neither partners in any relationship have any sort of license for physical or verbal abuse. But please leave me out henceforth.
Oh you edited your post. Thats it get it all out! But no more please.
Lmao at playing victim after instigating the nastiness....only after your own feathers got ruffled first and, that too, at a post which intended no negativity or ill will toward you. Utterly pathetic.
Sigh rv you quoted my post first. You have a lnack knack for going around projecting a holier than thou and know it all image. Lol even though you are either wrong or just stating the obvious.
You highlighted sarcastic post in my thread and I said the same kind of thing to you that you said to shaasavera first. You need to give it a rest too.
Lol thats all it took, treat you like you treated others and here you are full of rage. You need to cool it bad. I dont know what it will take for you to leave me alone and let this go, so I will just try words again. Leave me alone.
Also dont say words to others you wouldnt urself like to hear.
Just to be clear here it was physical aggression and not really violence. Kya pata mr.nadz nay kaha ho k u sleep somewhere else and nadz nay kaha ho "u can't make me" and then he tried to make her. It seems that all the physical stuff was more like sleep somewhere else and not like how dare u stay in this bed slap. Not that I'm condoning it but just to give it more perspective rather than being a beating it was something else. Ofcourse such things can escalate as well so maybe it should give more of an idea to both mr and mrs nadz as to where they should draw the line at pushing each other. Mr nadz with ur bad at housekeeping and nadz with her ur a bad provider. Since both those r essentially a major part of their identities and where they draw their personal goals and accomplishments from it was a below the belt fight for both of them. Both could have been more tactful with their responses and it wouldn't have gotten to this point.
My husband and I have this thing where we call each other out on it. It's like I say aapko kya hua hae lag raha aaj meray say larnay ka dil chah raha hae, in a light hearted and I'm being funny way. And if I could figure it out then I would say k aapka whatever (something not related to me) time p nahi hua to Mujhay Kyun zabardasti daant rahay haen. Or usnay aapko yay keh diya to maeray say Kyun larr rahay haen. And then he would suddenly realize that that is the actual reason he's angry and its not me. And that breaks the tension and he can actually talk about what he's angry about. I wish I could say we always do this but sadly not, it does ofcourse turn into an argument quite a few times.
He has also learnt to do the same thing and can (sometimes) tell that something else is bothering me. Mostly just saying k Maeray say zabardasti larnay k koshish Kyun kar rahi haen works. It's like ur pissed off but the other person suddenly says I'm not taking the bait what r u going to do about it. It brings u back from ur angry place to the present, and at times u do know ur picking a fight for no reason but continue with it especially if the other person is responding and also going along with a messy confrontation. Pretty soon u start pulling sh*t from the past and everything just goes to hell.
i think I carried this habit a bit from my relationship with my mom. I'm usually her "therapist" and we would at some point end up where I'd get a telling off for no reason. Even generally, if she'd be angry at something else Aur Mujhay daant parh rahi hoti thi so I'd sorta smile and say k aapka bus Mujhay daantnay ka dil chah raha theek hae aap daant lain. And she would realize what she was doing and stop. Anyway, it sometimes works for me, so once u get past this speed bump in ur marriage maybe u can give it a try.
This is the last time I'm responding to you. Yes, I did quote your post; however I did not initiate any rudeness toward you. I did speak to you first, but I did not disagree with your comments. I did not have anything against your post. I only added or rather agreed with your own view that the same standards apply to both genders. You sarcastically say that you would not have known this had I not said so.......well, I did not assume that you didn't already know this. I just emphasized a point. So, I was rather taken aback by your response when I intended no sarcasm or condescension toward you in the first place.
Many of us state the obvious here. I am not aiming for novelty or originality in my posts. And maybe my posts do carry a holier than thou tone...I dunno...but I do (when I remember) try to acknowledge my own weaknesses in my suggestions and they are often based on my own eff ups in life. I don't believe myself to be righteous or perfect; I'm very far from it. Anyhow, sorry for having quoted your post and emphasizing a point in agreement with your own stance.
What is the line you draw with your husband? You should make him feel guilty for hitting you, but that guilt will not set in if you make him angrier. It needs to come through a serious talk. One of you needs to grow up and become mature and both eventually. At the moment you are like married kids. It's a bit weird ... He may have prayed to calm himself down - you don't know why he did that - it was not like I hit my wife and now I'm going to become a molvi who oppresses his wife ... No ... he will show his cracks and weaknesses - so respect that ... He gets on your nerves - so let him know that there are certain things that do not help ... introduce him to a life of patience ... everything that comes his way is sent to him by God (Allah (SWT)) ... to test him and bring him closer ... so every time he feels angry think of Allah (SWT) and say to himself astaghfirullah and try to love Allah (SWT) for being put in a position where discomfort has made him remember Him ...
Dzikr is the only thing that can save him ... Advise him somehow to recite the wird-ul-'Aam daily ... his life and your life will change for the better inshaAllah and the same advice is for you too.
Lekin usko hair se keecha aur phir Nadz ko rona aa gaya. Bahut zor se keecha hoga. She said she was lying on bed and he dragged her from bed. What if bed was of great height and she could have fallen and had a fracture? Her hair could have got damaged.
I think you and your husband have some good techniques. If there is an argument you can always say freeze and the other person has to stay still for 5 seconds. This gives enough time to take a breath and realise getting angry isn’t worth it. Nothing justifies physical violence/aggressiveness. If she is saying something verbal he c an respond verbally. If he said you can’t iron properly or cook and she said you don’t earn enough. They both said things to each other verbally. Instead of fighting isn’t it better to access yt through proxy and watch yt videos on how to improve these issues. Lot of great anger management/ironing videos they can watch together as couple.
Maybe learn a few steps of self defence in case he tries to be violent again which he hopefully won’t. Still good to know against any type of violence. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_5_47if-PU sorry yt pe hai.
I disagree with everyone here who says that Nadz behaviour pushed him to do this. In my opinion he is frustrated with his own self , the way he is living life and the way he is keeping his family. He has forced himself and his wife/kids in situation where they have no choice but to live with his family in Pakistan and they are financially dependent on them.
My analysis is that going to and fro from Pakistan and UK switching jobs has ruined his career. He has a job but not good enough.
He should not have dragged her off the bed and pulled her hairs... that is wrong , wrong & wrong . Worse part of this is their 4 year old watching it.
Nadz if you want to continue with him and his family just stay quiet for a few days , he has to realize what he has done is wrong. Don't argue or fight with him any further. You both are parents of 2 kids and you are still fighting like kids. Gather some grace and self respect for yourself and choose to act wisely.
Well, for the past few months it seemed that Nadz was making progress....if anyone remembers. She was trying to bond with her mil and things b/w her and husband seemed to be better. In her last thread ...which was only a few days ago...he was thoughtful enough to get her medicine as she was sick. So, it's kinda surprising that he had such an outburst.
She only comes here seeking validation for her behavior.
You guys write essays trying to 'advise' her based on one-sided narration of events, which in fact encourages her to continue what she has been doing.
You can even see in the OP that she said he was mad at the maid for not ironing properly. From what I have read in the past, this guy has tremendous patience and Nadz is obviously hiding why actually he was mad at in the first place.
Even the most patient of people would eventually break down at some point.
When have we ever had two sides to a story in the threads? We will always only have one sided information to work with and ...despite this limited info....i think many of us try to include the husband and Mil's perspective when giving advice in our essays....so why does this upset you? Woh aur baat hoti if we only believed in her views and enabled or motivated her in her own childishness. How many among the advisers do you see giving her a pat on the back or cheering her on when she's being immature? Mostly we don't validate her ...or you'd see more favoring of her. Maybe what you mean is that she comes here looking for "attention" that she thinks she's not getting at home. But even the attention received is overall not a flattering one.
I am not supporting either party here, neither Nads nor her husband. Read my other posts; she has been advised by the amateurs like myself and the more experienced married folk on here for years that over time her attitude and manner of responding will severely wear out her husband's tolerance and regard for her. Ab shayad woh waqt aa chuka hai....I don't know. I feel bad for both of them.
It doesn’t upset me. I am just saying that in life1, we are dealing with real problems of real people and we should be careful dishing advice out based on one-sided stories.
I agree with you that we only get one-sided stories, but most of the threads do have some sort of a balance. This particular poster has always had terribly downplayed her own “contributions” to what goes on.
Most of you, who are familiar with her stories, do give genuinely good advice. Others, who are not familiar with the back stories do validate her.
If you look at her past threads, you will notice one trend. She would respond only to people actually ‘cheering’ her or giving her a pat on the back and she ignores sensible advice. So, what I mean by validation is that she only seeks some comfort that someone out there thinks that what she is doing is right. Clearly, she is not seeking advice here.
I did not quote you because I disagree with you. I only wanted to quote your post to make it a baseline and take things from there.
I know you weren't disagreeing with me, but you seemed bothered by the advising and when you said that it validated her, I couldn't understand in what way because most of the advice that I've seen is usually rather blunt and not in support of Nadz. There was a time when people advised her gently as she was a new wife, but after several years of marriage even the tone of the advisers has changed with time; many people respond to her with irritation. After a point, one would start to feel some shame and decide to get their act together as opposed to being egged online each and every time...but I don't know why she comes back for more of the abuse every few months.