So he hit me.....advise now.

Iyla · August 12, 2011, 8:17am

Re: So he hit me…advise now.

Well I hope everything works out for you Inshallah. Its really sad to hear all that you’ve been going through - but hold on in there!

But seriously you should consider going back for delivery asap as planes are fussy about pregnant women - for good reasons too! (Btw if you have a baby on PIA plane - the baby gets a free travel on PIA for life! Lol! I was actually told this by the PIA pilot last year when I was flying with them and pregnant myself.)

Also you’ll need to get all your check-ups done in England in time.

Iyla · August 12, 2011, 8:20am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

And no matter what his Mum will always take his side as she's his Mum just as I would always believe my kid over anyone else's words. But just remain calm and patient with her. There is no point saying anything as it will only turn heated.

Btw I haven't read your other threads as I took a long break from GS for a few months - but how did you convince yourself to move to Pakistan? Or why? I am just really surprised hearing that you are from UK and moved to Pakistan?

nadz123 · August 12, 2011, 8:21am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

yeh i know. I think emirates are ok, il be 6month preg then, im 17 weeks now. so beg of oct il be 6months. it shud be ok my coyusin was the same when she came back few years ago.

Sara516 · August 12, 2011, 8:22am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Good luck to you nadz

nadz123 · August 12, 2011, 8:22am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

well, because he asked me before marriage that wa shis plan, i agreed. my fault. he did say now, that we will go back after 2 3 years as he himself maybe didnt like it as much now as he did then but he wants to be here with his parents too. i agreed, felt he has a right to feel this way as just the way i feel about my country so does he and sincei agreed to it prior, i cant argue with it.

NomiCA · August 12, 2011, 8:29am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

nadz123:

hey, ok thanks for the posts guys.

Im not scared of my inlaws they are not bad people, yes MIL is still defending her son indirectly, and i do think shes a stirrer not a solver, my owm mum when she heard us argue ONCE sat us down together and made us talk it out. his mum is telling me and obviously must be telling him to STAY AWAY from each other for days....she is telling me to not talk to him, stay awya from him for a while. i do feel she stirs it, ive seen her face when me and him used to want to go out to eat or just go out she never encouraged us to go out together, always had a face on. so it smy fault for calling her. i can call my mum, yet i dont wish to worry her and itl just sound wrong on the phone, its best for me to back and talk to her. i am going back, beginning of oct. my plan was that anyway, and his mum is saying just go then not now khushi khushi jao aise mat jao...itl make worse. who knowsshe may have a point., however at the moment we are not talking anyway.

as for the abuse...i dono. yes lately hes always angry, his own mum said it too. who knows maybe i pushed it. wether he pushed or not im pregnant. and thats it.** i do hate him. hes enver done this before, even when ive pushed him or instigated a fight sometimes i did out of being emotional provoke him and he stil didnt.** s*o i wouldnt say hes someone who likes or wants to hit when even slightly provoked.* ive seen violent cases where men hit ANYWAY wether they provoked or not, im not ntrying to defend my husband for no reason. bu ive seen him control himself when ive provoked him alot. so this is true.

yet the incident the other day i did feel was too much, if i hadnt been preg, i may have been less worried, yes u dont hit women anyway, but seeing as im always going on about being equal at times i dont see him just as a man but as someone whose irritating me, same he may not see me as a woman but someones whose irritating him.

again, im only telling you guys what i think about him as i know him better. but still, i cant forgive what he did that day.

i cant talk to him, we are not talking and i dont wish to at the moment. his mum did say she told him never to hit a woman etc etc etc but i dont know if i beleive her, she does lie i think, and she def stirs it.

I dont know what to do. i am going back thats definate. his mum knows it too. the plan was to come back in april next year. i am thinking of going back and then telling them im not coming back again. it may break our marriage if we are ok again, i dont know but im so miserable here, i dont want to come back. I have no idea wat to do. im pretty sure my mum would also say make ur marriage work as he is otherwise a good guy. and i know he is. but he has a anger issue at the moment, could be joblessness could be other things. i do feel that since hes been back with his own family hes changed. he has more tameez with me back in the uk. now he feels as hes the laadla he can do whatever he wants and his actions will be defended. his mum was saying yday how it was wrong of me to stay with my parentsd after marriage and she went off on anothr lecture on how we ake up late here and how shes a bimaar aurat and u lot always in ur room, u dnt care for this n that and how she even if her legs r breaking will get up and make tea for her husband, how i dont do that, so as im not running around aftetr my husband im lazy, and the reason her husband looks after her NOW is because she was his slave for the last 25 years....and shes proud of this.

what pees me off is she calls this choti choti baatein....why do they call this choti baatein. i did sai to her if ur daughter was hit, pir bi choti baatein hai......she tried to say something else then.

i think i hate her more than i hate him. she makes things worse. and i dnt trust her and im sure shes giving him ulti advice for which i have no proof.

I told you so

Spiral · August 12, 2011, 8:39am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

^^ I did too. lol

Nadz, try to look at the positive things in him. He is your husband who may be just going through a tough time. Listen to his mom, and avoid him for few days. He'll realize his mistake too and you have to forgive and forget. Be the better person. Go to U.K, have your baby, let him enjoy his new baby too.... Time to make up and move on.

Iyla · August 12, 2011, 8:47am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Wow. You're...brave. I mean that is a huge step to move to Pakistan from UK. Didn't your parents or friends/ fam' etc try and talk you out of it? Or did they encourage you to move?

Okay apart from probs' at home how do you find living in Pakistan then, just out of interest? Do you enjoy living there?

princess20 · August 12, 2011, 8:48am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

nadz123:

hey, ok thanks for the posts guys.

Im not scared of my inlaws they are not bad people, yes MIL is still defending her son indirectly, and i do think shes a stirrer not a solver, my owm mum when she heard us argue ONCE sat us down together and made us talk it out. his mum is telling me and obviously must be telling him to STAY AWAY from each other for days....she is telling me to not talk to him, stay awya from him for a while. i do feel she stirs it, ive seen her face when me and him used to want to go out to eat or just go out she never encouraged us to go out together, always had a face on. so it smy fault for calling her. i can call my mum, yet i dont wish to worry her and itl just sound wrong on the phone, its best for me to back and talk to her. i am going back, beginning of oct. my plan was that anyway, and his mum is saying just go then not now khushi khushi jao aise mat jao...itl make worse. who knowsshe may have a point., however at the moment we are not talking anyway.

as for the abuse...i dono. yes lately hes always angry, his own mum said it too. who knows maybe i pushed it. wether he pushed or not im pregnant. and thats it. i do hate him. hes enver done this before, even when ive pushed him or instigated a fight sometimes i did out of being emotional provoke him and he stil didnt. so i wouldnt say hes someone who likes or wants to hit when even slightly provoked. ive seen violent cases where men hit ANYWAY wether they provoked or not, im not ntrying to defend my husband for no reason. bu ive seen him control himself when ive provoked him alot. so this is true.

yet the incident the other day i did feel was too much, if i hadnt been preg, i may have been less worried, yes u dont hit women anyway, but seeing as im always going on about being equal at times i dont see him just as a man but as someone whose irritating me, same he may not see me as a woman but someones whose irritating him.

again, im only telling you guys what i think about him as i know him better. but still, i cant forgive what he did that day.

i cant talk to him, we are not talking and i dont wish to at the moment. his mum did say she told him never to hit a woman etc etc etc but i dont know if i beleive her, she does lie i think, and she def stirs it.

I dont know what to do. i am going back thats definate. his mum knows it too. the plan was to come back in april next year. i am thinking of going back and then telling them im not coming back again. it may break our marriage if we are ok again, i dont know but im so miserable here, i dont want to come back. I have no idea wat to do. im pretty sure my mum would also say make ur marriage work as he is otherwise a good guy. and i know he is. but he has a anger issue at the moment, could be joblessness could be other things. i do feel that since hes been back with his own family hes changed. he has more tameez with me back in the uk. now he feels as hes the laadla he can do whatever he wants and his actions will be defended. his mum was saying yday how it was wrong of me to stay with my parentsd after marriage and she went off on anothr lecture on how we ake up late here and how shes a bimaar aurat and u lot always in ur room, u dnt care for this n that and how she even if her legs r breaking will get up and make tea for her husband, how i dont do that, so as im not running around aftetr my husband im lazy, and the reason her husband looks after her NOW is because she was his slave for the last 25 years....and shes proud of this.

what pees me off is she calls this choti choti baatein....why do they call this choti baatein. i did sai to her if ur daughter was hit, pir bi choti baatein hai......she tried to say something else then.

i think i hate her more than i hate him. she makes things worse. and i dnt trust her and im sure shes giving him ulti advice for which i have no proof.

oh nadz. i feel sad for you. I think you should better discuss with your parents and see what is their advise..if you really want to go back then better go now then waiting until October. If you are here then maybe you will have such issues again .

all the best my dear

Sweetmoi · August 12, 2011, 9:36am

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

I'm happy to see that you are not totally unaware of your own actions Nadz. Thats always a start away from disastor. However, I agree with you, do go back to UK in Oct. Because you'll never be happy in Pakistan, when you're so unwilling to adjust and have so many people around you, who only provide negative energy for you. Go back and if possible take your husband along. Bringing up two kids on your own is not easy and stepparents are unfortunalty not always ideal.

Iyla · August 12, 2011, 10:49am

Pakistani Lifestyle is better than the Western

^ I agree! You did unwillingly adjust in Pakistan! Really you are so brave. I remember now that you opened up a thread asking if you should go back to Pakistan with Hubby b/c you said you would but later regretted saying that. But so what if you once said you'd move to Pakistan - we're all allowed to change our minds...we all make mistakes...we all make bad decisions!

I remember he was jobless in UK and now he's jobless in Pakistan. Man, why'd you let him drag you to Pakistan? Also if you're not always getting on with your inlaws - then you need your own place. Distance does wonders.

Hope you get to UK for the birth, Inshallah. Where was your daughter born btw? UK or Pakistan?

diwana · August 12, 2011, 1:24pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

I really feel for her and mainly for her bechara husband. :(

Enigmatic · August 12, 2011, 1:35pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

and as for you nadz .. i know if one isnt happy and is miserable and tried their best to adjust - it's best you take a break and go back since now it seems you were just looking for reasons to provoke him and fight so that you could head back ! :( I find your MIL a typical woman too ..not bad but would obviously side her son and would try in vain to save your marriage...but am quite sure she isn't evil or anything.

You have conjured up such a negative image of her uptill now (partly because of the resentment that it was because of her you had to give up so many things leave your parents, your country, your friends) that everything she says or do makes you doubt her or become suspicous of her. This honestly wouldnt be good ofr her, you and the relationship bw you two. Am not blaming anyone ...am just sad at the way things have taken down a toll !

but i would still advise you don't think of breaking your marriage ..it isn't easy ! your hubby seems to be a nice guy - he's going through a very tough phase himself knowing he has a kid already and another baby coming too InshaAllah. He also has the duty to be with his ailing parents ! I really feel sorry for him.. and you too !

I would really pray for you to have a smooth pregnancy and get your baby delivered in the UK and then I can pray that Allah eases your problems and both of you resolve all issues and make up again IA. :)

Lusi · August 12, 2011, 4:21pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Nadz, it is easy to melt ice but difficult to keep it in that solid state. I would suggest you to think with clear head. Give your husband some time to calm down, give him confidence that he will inshahAllah get a job and at the moment though he doesn't have a job, you guys will pull it together. Most of all please, give him respect and make sure he feels that you are respecting him. Yes, leaving UK and your family was a big step on your part but all your effort will go down the drain if you would leave him on such a small issue. All the best!

arshad5 · August 12, 2011, 4:37pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

I will just give you some practical advice. If you want to leave then this is the time otherwise flights out may be difficult as the pregnancy progresses, and then with baby you may find it difficult to leave or they may want to keep the baby.

Jolie · August 12, 2011, 4:56pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

After reading your previous post, I think you are so prepared to break your marriage and I'd think that might be the best thing for both of you.

I've reading your about marriage since the very beginning and its pretty obvious that you have some serious bitterness and lack of understanding or genuine liking for your husband. Honestly there isn't much of the difference the way you are talking about your husband after he's 'hit' you and the way you talked about him in honeymoon period in UK back in 2009, when he was supposed to be all lovey dovey.

Come back to UK, deliver your baby and sign up for some free counseling, get a job and meet different people. I think you should be willing to grow up and become a better person for sake of your children.

Its got nothing to do with being desi, Muslim, or "pathetic paki" any relationship where the core value is 'you owe me' is bound to explode and break down one day.

Amoureux_de_la_vie · August 12, 2011, 6:13pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

I'd be very, very, very careful of the breaking up advice you're getting here. This was bad, yes. You have been facing problems with him, yes. But none that can't be resolved. You ARE new to Pakistan, you are pregnant AND he doesn't have a job. This is the first time the two of you are living with his family. You have enough situational stresses to make life difficult. Doesn't mean the two of you are bad people. Please think long and hard if you decide to end it.

If you do decide to resolve the issues, obviously, both you and him will have to change and grow in ways you haven't yet. It won't be easy.

All the best!!

arshad5 · August 12, 2011, 6:17pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

To truely understand humanity you have to experience different environments and lifestyles/cultures.

eastern11 · August 12, 2011, 8:00pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

You and your husband are very different people. I think you married him more because of family pressure because "acha rishta hay" aur family ka hay" etc. Your family and his are more traditional while you are not. You have made 2 mistakes here, agreeing to get married and go to PK when you knew you didn't want to. The second getting pregnant again so soon while things were so shaky. I knew I did not want to live in pakistan despite living there formany years and did not marry there.
You need to grow up and make right decisons for yourself, not just things you decide in the heat of the moment. I think though that you do love your husband and thereare some common threads. Think about those.

Enigmatic · August 12, 2011, 9:31pm

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Deeba1234:

Enigmatic, were you born and brought up in Pakistan?

Most of us feel a bond with the place where we grew up.. This isn't aimed at you at all but I'm finding it quite irritating that some of the same ppl who called Nadz 'drama queen' etc. for not wanting to live abroad are the same ppl who've openly said they would never even leave their own parents' house after marriage..

She left her family behind, the country she grew up in and a lot of the stuff she was familiar with.. When she said in another thread that she wanted to fly bk to the UK just to have her baby certain posters were attacking her for only that, it was ridiculous.. Yes, she shoudn't have agreed to move to Pakistan in the first place if she thought it would be too difficult but at the end of the day one of the big reasons for moving there was because her husband was unemployed over here and thought he'd be able to get a job in Pak - which he hasn't and they really aren't any better off..

Iyla:

It sure would be living hell for me! Lol. I can only go to PK for a max' 2 weeks before I miss England! Its just so different, you're so dependant on a male, its uncomfortable to go out alone etc etc. I think its the googly-eyed hungry men who turn me off the most! Lol. ;)

If you could list a million more reasons then Pakistan would be the most ideal place on this planet...like heaven on earth! :p

Your points 1-4 can all be done in England...point 1 from your home computer or if you live in Bradford!! Lol. Again it depends whereabouts in UK you live.

But on a serious note yeah you're right as millions are living in Pakistan themselves. Everyone has a different experience but it sure is a huge thing for anyone to live in Pakistan once they have been born and brought up in the UK. Its like a city girl going to live in the village!!

I completely agree with all of you. I was just referring to a few posts above me which kept mentioning that how could nadz even think of moving to Pakistan - it was so brave of her ..that was what just made me say that all. Thus my first warning it of being slightly off topic :)

While a place could hold so much importance for one person it could be a completely crummy place for the next! So it's not with the country which is to get blamed it's with the people around, the relationships and how willing are we to sacrifice.

I even acknowledge that she made a BIG decision and it would be really difficult for her to adjust and move there in this post of mine.

But this is not something done for the first time. For that matter it would be equally difficult for someone moving from Pakistan to anywhere else in the world where they practically know no one and have huge families and social circle back home. But alot of women do that - they compromise and eventually adjust. Allah has made women that much flexible.

However for that you need to:

1) have complete support of your spouse
2) you to know for sure that you are doing this for the person you **love **the most
3) to just want to be with them no matter whatever the place is
4) to have equally welcoming in-laws, husband and people who understand that the next person is making a big sacrifice and has left everything for their sake

But since I think nadz has not been happy with her marriage and her husband since the beginning it would be almost impossible to adjust with such resentment and misery surrounded by her. So it really is best for you nadz to head back to the UK at least till the delivery - but before you do .. just please think of the repercussions of breaking your marriage and raising two kids on their own. I would still say at the end of the day please resolve your issues your husband isn't a bad person ...he's just struggling through tough time being jobless and adjusting himself. So are you. But all couples go through such phases at least once in their lives. Such ups and downs should make them stronger rather then tearing them apart !

All my prayers with you :)