So he hit me.....advise now.

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Peace All

A physical reaction from taunting is not the same as physical abuse ... the latter is routine beating for no reason ... physical violent reactions are often what men resort to because they can't handle psychological battles. If you taunt you do so at your own peril ... and women who know how the minds of their men work should know better than to get them angry ... because although the intent is to get them angry - an angry man is a dangerous man as well ... the best way to get him to realise his mistake is through guilt not anger.

No one should actively seek to anger another person ... and at the same time no one should let themselves get angry easily ... both parties are often at fault in these situations ...

If a man resorts to a violent reaction it does not make him an abuser and it is abuse that is dangerous ... if a woman wishes she can make a man happy or sad like she is playing with dolls ... A lot of men don't understand women either and many women over-estimate the ability of men to stay calm.

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

When my wrists were badly twisted and then bruised my daughter's father said the same thing "mainay tumko mara to nahi tha sirf pakra tha "

OK Nadz seriously I do not care what people here will say about me or think about me I still stick to my opinions about him in my previous post. I think you should go back to uk for delivery now. Don't go as if you are going in narazgi from him but just go because it's 5 months now and it's a ok time for you to fly with your daughter and you want to have the baby over there. Nothing and I mean nothing in this world is more important for you than yourself , your daughter & your unborn child. You have a duty to protect your children. Your husband is looking like he is going crazy may be because of being job less or what but that does not allow him to hit you or to treat you so badly. His mother is going to side with him and don't even expect her to be sympathetic with you. I think you should tell your parents about your current situation too and see what they have to say. It will be a very tough situation for them because they are in another country and will feel pretty helpless.

Seriously , you left your house , your parents , your country for your husband , you are a mother of his child and carrying his another child but this guy does not seem to have respect for anything. I guess he only knows how to get you pregnant but does not know how to fulfil his responsibilities and how to take care of u.

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Re: So he hit me…advise now.

Life1 will be boring if these threads did not exist.

:khumar:

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Peace diamond321

I agree that she should come here to deliver ... but I am amazed that in your signature line you have said it yet do not offer that understanding to him in that situation ... when stupidity enters a person he may hit in anger, without thinking about the unborn baby ... and if that was predictable then the fact that it was underestimated enough that the taunts were still given was also stupid ... he didn't bother looking at the situation either ... but the number one rule of happy arrangements is don't start the fight. Reconciliation is better than anything ... and if she goes to the UK, he aught to go with her ... From the way the event took place it seemed it was a one off - inshaAllah ... people should be given chances.

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

^ the best would be that he also goes with her but off course he is a man his mother is a MOTHER and his father is a FATHER how can he leave them for his wife and children. Wife and children to aur aa jaye gay but maa baap thori na ayee gy etc etc. Plus what is the guarantee that he will find job in UK ? They both need a break from each other to realise each other's importance. May be both of them are taking each other for granted. They need t value their relationship and work on it together . Neither him nor her can improve the relationship or make things better on a stand alone basis. Things seem to be at boiling point now and they need to calm and relax. They have to make the marriage work for the sake of their children.

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

^ I meant he should be there for the delivery of the new babe .... but yeah I do sorta agree with you ...

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

^ yes he should be there for the new baby - agree

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

ive been in a physically abusive situation myself... and as such ive maintained that in the case of physical abuse i would be the first to advise a woman to leave...

however in this case i feel like the situation was so heated that even an accidental push may have been construed as a deliberate violent act...so i personally cannot in my right mind ask her to grab her passport and money and leave as if her in laws and husband were holding her hostage

secondly I agree with psyah brother's post below...if indeed the husband resorted to a deliberate violent act it can be termed "a reaction" instead of "abuse" ...abuse implies abnormally frequent occurrences of a cruel nature that are directed at the victim by the abuser for no justifiable reason

this was a one time fluke occurrence that was reactionary:

scenario 1) she pushed the water bottle how do we know it didnt hit the husband and he reacted to the "abuse" the she instigated
scenario 2) she angered him to the point that he pushed her out of the way to get out of the room
scenario 3) she angered him, he wanted to leave...he needed to get passed her to get out of the room and accidentally pushed her in the process

IMO it is premature to label him as an abuser without knowing the following facts:

1) how often has he abused her before
2) when she shoved the water bottle did it hit her husband
3) did he deliberately push her or was it accidental
4) of he deliberately pushed her was it to shut her up or to get out the room so he cud take a break from her

i am by no means condoning a man getting violent with his wife...nor am I condoning physical abuse towards women... nor would i advise a woman to stay in an abusive relationship

however, as it stand and what with the little information we have...and the info we do have nadz seems fuzzy about.... it is unclear to me what exactly happened and why and therefore i am hesitant in labeling him as an abuser, as such it is difficult for me to advise her to leave ...especially not the country... and not in narazgi...

arguing back and forth with ppl about this is not fun... but honestly i am having a hard time understanding why and how, in this situation(when we dont have the right details or for that matter a clear enough picture...read nadz's original post again she seems fuzzy about a lot), anyone can be so quick to call it physical abuse.

but everyone seems to think she shud leave so maybe im the one who is wrong here...but i dont think i am

peace

^agree

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

i doubt it

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Generally speaking, people who grew up in west should get married within their region. These kind of problems do exist when boys and girls jump into relationship without any plan.

Nadz, i have read your previous posts and you mentioned that your husband's family is well off in Pakistan. Do they have family business which he could take part in??. And i believe you mentioned that your husband earned Masters degree in Uk so was he not able to secure employment in UK?---- I am saying all this because your husband is going through a lot as well in terms of a job may be. I wish you all the best in solving your problems with your husband.

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Who do these cowards get married in the first place? Jungly logg if you dont know how to talk to a woman or take care of her why do you marry one?! Jahil mentality, i'd say leave him for couple of months it'll put everything in order for him.

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^agree

I just feel both need space, I may be prematurely labelling him, but the fact that Nadz is afraid to call her parents for fear her in laws will listen - says it all really?

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

So no one including the OP knows what exactly happened.

A woman who is pregnant should look out for the safety of her child also.

With so much not in common, why bring a child in family.

And if pregnancy does happen why not stay the heck away from conflicting situations?

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

I dont know but with all the tantrums, the nakhras, the venting out .. i always felt that Nadz & her husband loved each other right from the start till now. Maybe, i'm being optimistic but the way he cared for her in her last pregnancy was so sweet of him. The way Nadz, although unwillingly, took the step of moving to another country, she did not want to move to, was a big step from her end too.

I personally think they are a couple who can work things out, it was in the spur of the angry moment that they both reacted. Its easier said than done and maybe we, if were in the same situation, would have acted same or differently but it was in my view basically frustration & aggression

Nadz reason for anger: Is 5 month pregnant so having mood swings, in a country she is unsettled in and not getting hubby's attention
*
Nadz's hubby's reason for anger: *Is jobless for a long time, has a family to support and now with almost 2 kids the responsibility is increasing and he is seeing no positive future and he is sick of the cat fights between mother/sister and wife

None of their actions are to be justified here, its just that they have a long history behind them. I would never ever advise any one on the forum to leave a guy, divorce him etc. He is too nice a husband overall, so what if he too had a bad moment. Forgive him! I directly follow hadith without caring for their implications and from the ones i know of .. dont know exact texts but this is what they mean:
"a husband and wife are supposed to hide each other's imperfections"
"a muslim cannot be annoyed by another muslim for more than 3 days"
"I guarantee a house in Jannah for one who gives up arguing, even if he is in the right;

Give it a rest and make up, you two are made for each other. Work things out, I'll pray for you!

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Re: So he hit me…advise now.

:wub:

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

You're 5 months preggo and hormonal. He's jobless and bound to be angry because he has a wife, a child, and another one on the way. Right now, you two together just don't make the best combo.

Go back home. Have your baby in the UK. Tell your husband that you two have different sides/views as to what happened. When both of you were in your anger or rage, you both didn't realize what you were doing-- whether you two pushed one another lightly or harshly- it shouldn't have happened. But regardless, you two need to cool off. Give him time to himself, let him find a job.

Just reassure him that you're not leaving him. If you tell him that you're leaving him for good... then the MIL is bound to be involved and it'll lead to more problems/misunderstandings.

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

nadzz keeping a mobile phone in Pakistan is much cheaper than buying one time meal please get yourself a mobile phone and a connection. Email your parents to call you on that number. Keeping this incident aside your parents should have unrestricted access to you & it's important.

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Abuse is abuse, chaahe woh thora ho ya bahut.
I agree with diamond321 because hormones on one hand and joblessness on the other don't really blend well -
I personally think that you need to sit down and figure out the things that bother you, and then talk to him and communicate. I mean we all make mistakes, lekin namak na daalne par itna attitude is not right. We're human too, we can make mistakes and be forgetful - I would have expected him to get up and get a salt-shaker and add namak to his food, not a big deal, but fighting over something and then getting into the whole he said, she said wont really leave a positive effect on anyone. Learn to compromise on the little things aswell.. because I know you guys have done that on the larger ones to make sure you could get married and stay together.

Also, if you feel that the energy in the room is getting a little tough to handle, just go and walk around.. splash some water on your face, read Astaghfaar and breathe. dont bring up issues that have already been talked about and handled over and over, if the namak issue had been talked about once, you didnt need to bring it up again and as far as saying things infront of everyone goes, I'd rather have my husband say k namak kamm hai, then my saas complain ke khaane mein to namak bhi nahi daala, pheeka hai waghaira waghaira!

As far as ABUSE goes, a push is a push.. doesnt need to be light or hard! But running to your saas every 5 mins complaining wont really solve anything only because he is HER son.. I always believe k apni izzat apne haath mein hoti hai and the more you keep things to yourself and not include family/parents the better because when things get to that point, sometimes we lie to save ourselves the blame! My parents haven't ever known what goes on in my house and my susraal doesnt either, both families mesh with each other nicely and any issues we have we try and solve them ourselves rather than involving anyone else!

I dont know if I make any sense, but thats how I feel

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Go back to UK defo' for birth - for the passport of course! Tell Hubby to come too for the birth.

Seriously you're brave to move to Pakistan from UK! I don't know or can't imagine anyone I know from UK doing that! Its like another planet that country!!

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Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

hey, ok thanks for the posts guys.

Im not scared of my inlaws they are not bad people, yes MIL is still defending her son indirectly, and i do think shes a stirrer not a solver, my owm mum when she heard us argue ONCE sat us down together and made us talk it out. his mum is telling me and obviously must be telling him to STAY AWAY from each other for days....she is telling me to not talk to him, stay awya from him for a while. i do feel she stirs it, ive seen her face when me and him used to want to go out to eat or just go out she never encouraged us to go out together, always had a face on. so it smy fault for calling her. i can call my mum, yet i dont wish to worry her and itl just sound wrong on the phone, its best for me to back and talk to her.
i am going back, beginning of oct. my plan was that anyway, and his mum is saying just go then not now khushi khushi jao aise mat jao...itl make worse. who knowsshe may have a point., however at the moment we are not talking anyway.

as for the abuse...i dono. yes lately hes always angry, his own mum said it too. who knows maybe i pushed it. wether he pushed or not im pregnant. and thats it. i do hate him. hes enver done this before, even when ive pushed him or instigated a fight sometimes i did out of being emotional provoke him and he stil didnt. so i wouldnt say hes someone who likes or wants to hit when even slightly provoked. ive seen violent cases where men hit ANYWAY wether they provoked or not, im not ntrying to defend my husband for no reason. bu ive seen him control himself when ive provoked him alot. so this is true.

yet the incident the other day i did feel was too much, if i hadnt been preg, i may have been less worried, yes u dont hit women anyway, but seeing as im always going on about being equal at times i dont see him just as a man but as someone whose irritating me, same he may not see me as a woman but someones whose irritating him.

again, im only telling you guys what i think about him as i know him better. but still, i cant forgive what he did that day.

i cant talk to him, we are not talking and i dont wish to at the moment. his mum did say she told him never to hit a woman etc etc etc but i dont know if i beleive her, she does lie i think, and she def stirs it.

I dont know what to do. i am going back thats definate. his mum knows it too. the plan was to come back in april next year. i am thinking of going back and then telling them im not coming back again. it may break our marriage if we are ok again, i dont know but im so miserable here, i dont want to come back. I have no idea wat to do. im pretty sure my mum would also say make ur marriage work as he is otherwise a good guy. and i know he is. but he has a anger issue at the moment, could be joblessness could be other things.
i do feel that since hes been back with his own family hes changed. he has more tameez with me back in the uk. now he feels as hes the laadla he can do whatever he wants and his actions will be defended. his mum was saying yday how it was wrong of me to stay with my parentsd after marriage and she went off on anothr lecture on how we ake up late here and how shes a bimaar aurat and u lot always in ur room, u dnt care for this n that and how she even if her legs r breaking will get up and make tea for her husband, how i dont do that, so as im not running around aftetr my husband im lazy, and the reason her husband looks after her NOW is because she was his slave for the last 25 years....and shes proud of this.

what pees me off is she calls this choti choti baatein....why do they call this choti baatein. i did sai to her if ur daughter was hit, pir bi choti baatein hai......she tried to say something else then.

i think i hate her more than i hate him. she makes things worse. and i dnt trust her and im sure shes giving him ulti advice for which i have no proof.