So he hit me.....advise now.

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

you did not get my point, anyhow

in order to suggest something to someone you need to understand two things:

1. what you are suggesting
2. who you are suggesting

you may have read the books but i dont think you understand nadz, if you read her posts back from 2009 you will get a better picture

forgetting my problem with books these days, and forgetting what you have infact suggested, books are very influential to most people who read them. nadz problem here (in a nutshell) is that she has access to peoples opinions very easily so instead of using her own brain, she has been seeking responses from people on GS since before her marriage which has proven very dangerous. instead of building your own personality in a proper way you become a mixture of a vareity of people sitting here who participate in discussions when they want to pass time (partly including myself)

so, my point is this is much much deeper than merely giving advice after a 2 sec though

ask redvelvet who has been giving her advice on all matters a to z from 2009 n what not

@Mehnaz

The books do not advise to go out and get a divorce. Read more than just the title.

If anything, it will help her recognize if he has the ability to genuinely reflect and make a positive change. There is no point in an empty apology or saying, "i love you" unless it is backed up with positive actions.

[NomiCA]

Re: So he hit me…advise now.

@redvelvet

What is up with the sarcasm? Hmm? You know, even the women on GS don’t always support Nadz blindly in her complaints and have made it clear in her previous threads. In her last thread, you said that her husband has finally “snapped.” Why bring up the past…why not just look at the current issue? Even the guppys…who have the marital experience…for example TLK/Mirch could see that the husband was in the wrong. They could admit it…they weren’t looking at the past problems…they were focusing on the current behavior. After a point…the “woman is always wrong” stance just gets old. The whole “beti, it’s not the worst thing to have happened, there are others who are going through worse, endure endure endure”…can’t always be used as justification. It’s so easy to have the sarcastic view point that “Oh it’s the worst thing to have happened…and you had it coming…he finally snapped”…when it’s someone else…when it’s a woman from your own family…mother/sister…it’s different.

She’s angry, she has a right to be…doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s going to get a divorce. Even if she were to take a break from him…still not the same thing as a divorce. There’s a lack of empathy and understanding here that I find unreasonable and even immature…and then you wonder why the women have issues with you. And no, this isn’t a “go” at you.

Yes, it’s her STUPIDITY for marrying a guy who had plans to settle in Pakistan…knowing fully well that she was against the idea from the get-go.

But, it’s not easy to move to Pakistan especially when you’ve lived in the west for so long…the lifestyle is very different in so many ways…it’s is a HUGE adjustment. She’s human…and while I don’t support the idea of grumbling all the time…it’s not unusual to feel uncomfortable or complain about such a huge change. But y’know what…she did it anyways. She moved there. Whether or not she made an effort to settle there…we can’t say…we don’t live with her. She wants to have a close bond with her husband, to spend time with him in Pakistan…and that (to me) shows that she doesn’t want to just up and ditch him. She could have left before…she didn’t have to wait for someone to hit her…to do so. And people have their self-respect, Nomi. Nobody desires getting “hit”…just so that they’d have a “point.” Forget it…I don’t know how to explain it…and you’ll never get it. It’s pathetic.

is your response focused on how/what i post or the question asked by the OP???

PS…i would never get it…fine…why such a long post focusing on my response rather than answering what she asked for??

if you don’t like my response, don’t read it, there is always the ignore option…why do you feel the need to write lengthy essays on what i do/do not post??

[hareem01]

Re: So he hit me…advise now.

@ShahreyarKhan

this can be much much more dangerous than any advice anyone gives here on GS do you realize that?

Never judge a book by its title.

---

Restored attachments:

[Enigmatic]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

^ hehe i love your smiliee :D

[Mehnaz]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

You are right. I do not know Nadz and I am not familiar with her past threads.

Anybody, including Nadz, who makes a life altering decision based on anything posted by strangers on the internet simply needs to get off the internet.

@ShahreyarKhan

you did not get my point, anyhow

in order to suggest something to someone you need to understand two things:

1. what you are suggesting
2. who you are suggesting

[redvelvet]

Re: So he hit me…advise now.

@NomiCA

is your response focused on how/what i post or the question asked by the OP???

Never mind, Nomi. It’s my fault…I don’t know why I bothered. Wouldn’t have gotten anywere. I don’t “always” respond to your posts. But generally in a forum, that’s what people do…they agree/diagree with posts and discuss thoughts. You too have disagreed with my ideas..sometimes calmly…sometimes more forcefully…that’s fine. As for the length of the posts .. for which there is no restriction…and I’m not the only long poster on here… and which you’ve mocked both directly and indirectly…the “ignore” option is also applicable.

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

exactly

@Mehnaz

You are right. I do not know Nadz and I am not familiar with her past threads.

Anybody, including Nadz, who makes a life altering decision based on anything posted by strangers on the internet simply needs to get off the internet.

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: So he hit me…advise now.

fyi

i would be the last person to do that (lol)

@hareem01

Never judge a book by its title.

[NomiCA]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

@redvelvet

Never mind, Nomi. It's my fault...I don't know why I bothered. Wouldn't have gotten anywere. I don't "always" respond to your posts. But generally in a forum, that's what people do...they agree/diagree with posts and discuss thoughts. You too have disagreed with my ideas..sometimes calmly...sometimes more forcefully...that's fine. As for the length of the posts .. for which there is no restriction...and I'm not the only long poster on here... and which you've mocked both directly and indirectly...the "ignore" option is also applicable.

Sure thing.........

P.S.......i am not suporting what the guy did.....and i know some people will try to make it sound like i said that............all i did was present my viewpoit on 'why' he might have behaved the way he did........doesn't mean i condone what he did.......just like in UK riot thread.......some people are trying to put forward their understanding of 'why' things happen.....not necessarily condoning it..

as far as things from the 'past' are considered......i am not the only one who is basing the opinion keeping in view the past information that OP put forward........others are doing it too....
and then some people are suggesting the possibilites how the husband might have planned all this and got her back to pakistan and will be abusive to her for ever and all that......all that is also based on assumption.....but i don't see anyone pointing out those posts...??

nobody found it odd that people are calling her husband ''pig'' , 'idiot' , 'moron','bakwasi', etc etc ...........

[redvelvet]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

@NomiCA

Sure thing.........

P.S.......i am not suporting what the guy did.....and i know some people will try to make it sound like i said that............all i did was present my viewpoit on 'why' he might have behaved the way he did........doesn't mean i condone what he did.......just like in UK riot thread.......some people are trying to put forward their understanding of 'why' things happen.....not necessarily condoning it..

I thought you were being sarcastic with your post...maybe I was wrong. Nadz has made her mistakes and she made her mistakes with this situation as well. But I don't agree with the idea that people wait to get hit so they can use it as a point to go home...she could have left earlier. Nobody likes being pushed around. And let's say that she was waiting to have this "point" and uses it to get home.....would she really be happy? She still has to deal with a marriage that's strained....1 daughter and a baby on the way who will be impacted by all this...family members (it's a cousin marriage) will be affected. The whole leaving idea is not any easy thing to do. Nor does it necessarily mean that she's going to get a divorce. The past provides some understanding for the feelings of frustation....but it's not a justification for the husband's behavior. What I don't agree with is only focusing on the past...and dumping the blame on one person...and not addressing the current and more serious offense of the other party. It comes across as one-sided that way.

[S02]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Nadz,

You've felt ignored and frustrated ever since you moved to Pak -- really you were feeling that way before then. Ramadan is a wonderful, but also stressful time, and that and your pregnancy will heighten emotions for both of you. You weren't getting the positive attention you needed, and there was opportunity for (understandable) confrontation, and I think you pursued it. Negative attention is better than no attention, right?

And your hubby is on the surface annoyed with you and coddled by his family, but deep down probably dealing with the frustrations and guilt of his joblessness. Not only is he not supporting his wife and child(ren), he is relying on his parents to do so. You've been in Pak for a while now, and still he has no job. That's got to leave him feeling ashamed and he's probably masking it and taking out his frustrations on you.

None of this is an excuse for your immature behavior or his violence.

But I don't support the "he said, she said" or the "ignore him" "don't talk to him" "leave him (temporarily)" approaches to resolving these issues. They may help soothe your pride, but they will not heal your marriage. And that's what's needed.

You need to be calm and you need to be alone with each other. Preferably outside of the house because the changing of setting will do you good. And you need to ask each other what's become of your marriage. Is this who the two of you really are a as a couple?

[Reha]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

I disagree with the posters who say or think she had it coming. Everyone tends to be unreasonable at one point in their lives...does this mean they have it coming? No one can say they have always been sane, calm and perfectly understanding of every single situation they came across in the entire lives.

So yes, she might have been a little too much at times but that does not justify a man thinking he can push or shove his wife around...especially when she happens to be carrying his child. There's not excuse for this behavior at all.

What you two need is time alone but will that happen? Is it possible for you to be alone with your husband for a while? A vacation? A visit abroad? Is it at all possible?

If not, then you guys need to take a break so he AND you can clear your heads. Take some time alone for yourself and just relax nadzzz...the last thing you need is more stress at this point. You have a child with another on the way and now an angry husband.

Find a way to relax.

[Afshi]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

i didnt read all the posts, just your initial one and a couple after.

wth??!!

first of all...what he did has no excuse. not a single one. he hit you. simple as that.

second ...go back to the UK. Why are you even in Pakistan?? If he cant find a job in Pakistan, go to the UK. Work in a friggin gas station for all you care. Stop mooching on the maa baap.

third...his mother..she is backing up her son. Ive been there and done that. So what else is new? its her khoon and her ladla beta, and it will always be your fault. And why do yYOU care if SHE wants you to stay until Eid??

just leave. Back you things and leave. You have another kid with you, and you're always complaining in other threads about him and his family. If he wants to work things out with you and gets off his mama's lap, then he'll go with you.

No woman deserves to get hit. I'd happen to me once, and I swear, never again. Women need to stand up for themselves. Call your parents...doenst matter they if you dont want to worry about you. They are your parents. That is their job.

You're not running away from the matter...but you're just taking yourself out of the situation. You two can work it out at neutral area, without his family, and maybe even without yours.

Right now, your first priority is your child and your unborn baby.

[Lusi]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

@Muzna

I don't understand why people have this ego issue. In an ideal situation nobody should be disrespected....either in private or in public. But we aren't dealing with an ideal situation are we? Hardly!

Hubby disrespected you in front of his sister.

You did not retaliate at the time -- good.

You chose to bring the matter up with him right after he has sat down to a meal -- not good. Generally people don't like to address controversial subjects while they are eating.......it puts them off their food.

You justified your position by pointing out to him how wrong he is religiously --> "fasting isnt just to stay hunry theres more to it" -- not good. Instead of telling him that you were hurt by his words because you value them, you decided to point out to him how he is a bad muslim; this wasn't going to win him over.

He responded angrily and told you to get out of his face -- you reacted by angrily pushing the water bottle aside. Was there any need to show this aggression? If you had simply left the room and refused to speak with him until he apologized for his words the matter would not have escalated to this degree.

To make my position clear......I'm not condoning his behaviour. It is deplorable. But justifying your own actions based on his is as deplorable. You should be in control of your own actions and, by now, have a pretty decent understanding of his beliefs, moods and immediate state of mind. Use better judgement....pick your battles.....

@Sahar02

Nadz,

You've felt ignored and frustrated ever since you moved to Pak -- really you were feeling that way before then. Ramadan is a wonderful, but also stressful time, and that and your pregnancy will heighten emotions for both of you. You weren't getting the positive attention you needed, and there was opportunity for (understandable) confrontation, and I think you pursued it. Negative attention is better than no attention, right?

And your hubby is on the surface annoyed with you and coddled by his family, but deep down probably dealing with the frustrations and guilt of his joblessness. Not only is he not supporting his wife and child(ren), he is relying on his parents to do so. You've been in Pak for a while now, and still he has no job. That's got to leave him feeling ashamed and he's probably masking it and taking out his frustrations on you.

None of this is an excuse for your immature behavior or his violence.

But I don't support the "he said, she said" or the "ignore him" "don't talk to him" "leave him (temporarily)" approaches to resolving these issues. They may help soothe your pride, but they will not heal your marriage. And that's what's needed.

You need to be calm and you need to be alone with each other. Preferably outside of the house because the changing of setting will do you good. And you need to ask each other what's become of your marriage. Is this who the two of you really are a as a couple?

Nadz, if you are really looking for advice, then you want to read the above two responses. Great thinking points and advice for you.

[TLK]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

Nadz, do you have any close relatives in Pakistan that you could move out to? As stupid as his act was, moving back to UK may actually be the beginning of an end. If you want to give it one more try but also pass a message that he over crossed his line, moving out of his house but not leaving Pakistan may work out.

I say, talk to your mom and dad first.

[TLK]

Re: So he hit me…advise now.

Oh I did not read Muzna and Sehar’s replies. Great advice. :k:

[NomiCA]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

@redvelvet

would she really be happy? She still has to deal with a marriage that's strained....1 daughter and a baby on the way who will be impacted by all this...family members (it's a cousin marriage) will be affected. The whole leaving idea is not any easy thing to do. Nor does it necessarily mean that she's going to get a divorce. The past provides some understanding for the feelings of frustation....but it's not a justification for the husband's behavior. What I don't agree with is only focusing on the past...and dumping the blame on one person...and not addressing the current and more serious offense of the other party. It comes across as one-sided that way.

only if she (and lot of other posters here) were able to grasp that............ one-sided?? sure...all my posts will seem one-sided to you......and may be your posts will seem one-sided to me.....i don't have a problem with that........

and again......i told before.......i didn't justify his behavior.....merely pointed out at some things the OP needs to focus on.....

one-sided or not...........from teh past threads/posts..........it seems to me that the only thing she wants the most is....moving back to UK......that is all......... and yes...this 'point' does strengthen her position in that regard........u can disagree with me...no problem.

[Niksik]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

[admin] OK NomiCA and Redvelvet, it looks like you guys need to put each other on ignore so the rest of the posters can concentrate on the topic at hand instead of looking at your personal disagreements. Seriously, enough. Thank you. And please do not send me PMs justifying your posts. [/admin]

[Amoureux_de_la_vie]

Re: So he hit me.....advise now.

All the best, Nadz. Hope you figure this out quickly.

[PinkOrchids]

Llxll

I was very serious, physical abuse in a relationship can be very detrimental to the well being of anybodies personality, I have seen numerous cases where the women has become a shell of the women she used to be.

Nadz, I hope whatever decision you make works out to be the best one for you. May Allah give you strength in this testing time.