You say that you've had your NIKKAH done and that you're not attracted to your husband. You should at least have some attraction toward the person you decide to marry even if it's an arranged marriage. You've mentioned that they're greedy and materialistic. How so? What have they done that reflects their greed or superficial behavior? You said that he occasionally drinks, which is another concern for you. So, here are your concerns:
1) You're not attracted to him
2) Him and his family are greedy/materialistic
3) He drinks
I think that most people are materialistic to some extent. Of course some people are more materialistic than others and will give "things/objects" more priority over relationships. So.....how bad are your husband and in-laws? Is it just the occasional materialisticness....or the love for shopping.....luxury items that many people have.....OR......is he frequently giving more importance to objects over YOU? Are him and his parents demanding you to bring them "jahez"? Since you haven't provided any examples....only YOU know how bad the situation is.
Will you be living with your in-laws? Are they disrespecting you? Verbally/emotionally abusing you? Keep in mind, that people don't change easily. You can't make anybody change unless that person him/herself WANTS to change.
Have you tried talking to him about his behavior nicely? Has it had any effect on him?
If YOU feel that :
1) Talking to him has not helped. And that his greed/materialist behavior is excessive to the point that he DISRESPECTS/ABUSES YOU.......
2) That you are not attracted to him to the point that you feel repulsed by him....and that you feel you will never develop an attraction toward him......
3) That his habits (occasional drinking) are a huge concern for you........that you can't adjust to
.............................then END the relationship.
I'm surprised that your dad, who never drinks, is so confident that this guy will stop the drinking after marriage. It's possible that this guy might stop drinking and change for the better..........however........it is ALSO possible that he won't change and could get worse. Also...........were you not attracted to this guy at the time you said "yes" to the rishta? Or did you become "unattracted" to him after the nikkah? Did your parents know that you didn't feel attracted to him? If so.........did your parents pressure you to marry him?
Keep in mind that getting an annulment/divorce in our desi culture is a huge social stigma for women...........even if the woman is innocent........and has every valid reason to divorce her husband. This will be a concern for your parents, especially. In the end, it's your decision. You know what's best for you.
You do not marry someone hoping they will change..............THEY DONT. If he finds nothing wrong with it right now, why would he later? Because his wife doesnt want him to? If he and his family isnt scared of demanding things from you, what makes you think he will stop drinking because of you?
You say they are lalchee and demand things from you, what do they want? Money?
Where do you live and where does he live?
If you are not attracted to him and dont find him mentally compatible with you...try to see if you can establish something there by talking to him. If not, leave him.
The ONLY thing that matters to me in a marriage is my husband and I being on the same page mentally. There has to be communcation, chemistry and the ability to resolve conflicts...thats it.
Wait a minute. I am confused about something. You are asking a bunch of women who spend a good amount of their free time on the internet, women you do not know, who do not know your family, social situation save for what you type - for advice about a decision that will change your life for ever?
every1 is telling her to walk away from the guy..the girl is married 4 gods sake!!! She has her whole family who she has 2 answer 2...its not as easy as ppl r saying...!
Imagine if u lot were the parents of a daughter who had 2 go through that..wud u be happy that shes getting advise from random strangers on the net telling her 2 leave her husband who she barely knows on the basis that the guy occassionally drinks and his family is laalchi..
Well, I as a parent would try my best to make sure I wouldn't marry my daughter off to a lalchi family. And sorry just having the ability to reproduce doesn't make someone an angel and free from error or judgment. Parents make mistakes too.
and if my daughter leaves her husband, i would try my best to support her no matter what. That's whats called being a family and unconditional support.
CM - I know........... but I have no one to talk to so thats why I thought Id come here and see what other people think about this situation this owuld give me an idea of what people usually do in these kind of situations.... its not like my decision is going to be based on these answers, its gona be based on mine.... a little help or moral support doesnt hurt.....
People have different views and I respect that, and I know in the end Im the only one who can actually help myself.......... yes being nikkahd being married if I back off now thalaaq divorce budnaami I know Ill have to deal with that, but just because of all that I cant take a risk.....
talking about being compatible, having an understanding, being on the same page mentally and having chemistry well then theres nothing of that.... Ive tried talking to him we talk but in the end of every conversation its always about what he wants...... if he wants his way or if he just wants something, in the end he cares about his reputation around his friends, what he wears what he has what he wants thats ittttt...... or he can talk about drinking even if hes teasing me he knows I dont like it..... its not like I havent talked to him about this because I have and not in an agressive way, Ive been very understanding but at the same time I tell him if I dont like something, but he doesnt listen!
CM - I know........... but I have no one to talk to so thats why I thought Id come here and see what other people think about this situation this owuld give me an idea of what people usually do in these kind of situations.... its not like my decision is going to be based on these answers, its gona be based on mine.... a little help or moral support doesnt hurt.....
People have different views and I respect that, and I know in the end Im the only one who can actually help myself.......... yes being nikkahd being married if I back off now thalaaq divorce budnaami I know Ill have to deal with that, but just because of all that I cant take a risk.....
talking about being compatible, having an understanding, being on the same page mentally and having chemistry well then theres nothing of that....** Ive tried talking to him we talk but in the end of every conversation its always about what he wants*...... if he wants his way or if he just wants something, in the end he cares about his reputation around his friends, what he wears what he has what he wants thats ittttt...... or he can talk about drinking even if hes teasing me he knows I dont like it..... its not like I havent talked to him about this because I have and not in an agressive way, Ive been very understanding but at the same time I tell him if I dont like something, **but he doesnt listen*!
Okay.........so the marriage has already begun and he's not even making the effort to compromise. You said you've tried talking to him but it has been to no avail. I'm curious..............if you guys don't have have chemistry.......if you're not attracted to him...........if he turns you off..............why did you agree to marry him in the first place? And does he feel the same way? IF he is ALSO feeling that there is no chemistry between you two.........why did he marry you? Were you pressured into this marriage? Well?
Have you tried spending time with him? Like taking a vacation in a relaxed atmosphere where you both can get to know each other and bond? Has this strategy helped at all?
Is it really beyond hope? Can you try one more time and ask him to make an effort to compromise. Listen to what he says. What if you were to tell him "I have been feeling for some time that we have an incompatibility issue and that my concerns are not being taken seriously. It has come to the point where I am questioning if this relationship will even work.".................what would he say? If he cares about you........that should jolt him into thinking about working on this relationship and making compromises. However..........after this comment.......if he STILL cares only about himself...............then maybe you should consider ending it before you get in too deep.
Well, I as a parent would try my best to make sure I wouldn't marry my daughter off to a lalchi family. And sorry just having the ability to reproduce doesn't make someone an angel and free from error or judgment. Parents make mistakes too.
and if my daughter leaves her husband, i would try my best to support her no matter what. That's whats called being a family and unconditional support.
Thank you for reminding us that parents can be wrong too.
Well, I as a parent would try my best to make sure I wouldn't marry my daughter off to a lalchi family. And sorry just having the ability to reproduce doesn't make someone an angel and free from error or judgment. Parents make mistakes too.
and if my daughter leaves her husband, i would try my best to support her no matter what. That's whats called being a family and unconditional support.
Exactly. And her father has a history of making decisions that leave his children in really terrible situations, in far away countries, for years at the mercy of people who care little for them. This is why we have to use our own brains and not equate "respect" with "blind obedience."
Well If I knew him and his family before I dont think I wouldve said yes, everybody in my family was like hes good looking there rich they have a good house he has a job, with all that said I dont think I had a choice but to say yes and the fact that my dad said yes I didnt have a choice..... and if I asked for time to think about it or the chance to talk to him my family wouldnt allow that...... he told me straight up that he wanted a wife who can maintain his image in his group of friends who knows how to behave and deal with his friends in his social circle... he doesnt care what I want what I like what I care about what i dislike, he doesnt care about my decisions and rules my limits my morals nothing..... he wants a wife to show off to his friends
Exactly. And her father has a history of making decisions that leave his children in really terrible situations, in far away countries, for years at the mercy of people who care little for them. This is why we have to use our own brains and not equate "respect" with "blind obedience."
Sahar is right......and she made some excellent points in her first post as well.
Wonderz.........take control of your life. Just because your parents did not give you the opportunity to talk to this guy and get to know him before the nikkah.........doesn't mean that you....as an ADULT WOMAN.......shouldn't take responsibility for your future. You were very passive when your parents didn't let you get to know him. Even though you felt uncomfortable with your parents' actions.......you took no action. As a Muslim woman.....it is your basic right to get to know the person you will be marrying. And parents......who prevent that........are not following any righteous rule. Sometimes it turns out wonderfully and the girl ends up marrying a stranger who turns out to be a wonderful husband. And other times it fails miserably. Why take the risk of remaining uninvolved and clueless in the first place?
You listened to your parents......and now you feel trapped. If you BELIEVE that you absolutely cannot live with this guy...............leave him before you get in too deep. Leave him.
Based on what you have posted above..........this guy does not care about your character........he does not care about your iman/faith........he does not care about compatibility of personality. He NEVER even questioned you about these things. For someone who is so concerned about his image.......he never even bothered to interview you about these things. From the get-go........he demonstrated that it's all about him. And even your existence is only to make him look good. So what happens if you make a mistake during a social event and end up making him look "bad"????? What will you do? What if he thinks you're embarrassing him in front of his friends by not accpeting a glass of champagne? What if he's more interested in whether or not your wearing the right designer clothes as opposed to your character and intelligence? What if he thinks that following Islam (praying, fasting) is for the "simple folk" and that the rich should not be so compliant to faith because they have an "image" to upkeep?????
Are these examples of some of the things that he's doing? Is it possible that these are examples of what you'll have to deal with in the future? If so.................leave him. Yes, divorce is a social stigma in desi land....but.....you're not answerable to society. You can find a guy whom you ARE attracted to.......who has Iman.......who makes a decent living.........and who is compatible to you.
You either leave this guy if you have observed that he won't change.......................OR..............if you're too passive/weak to do that..........then stick it out in this marriage.
I think wonderz has made up her mind that she wants to end this nikkah...am i right wonderz...now the question is how to go about this in a sensitive and sensible manner.
I dont think you should tell ure husband you told your dad about his drinking, you already stated that its not a good idea, and your dad isnt too bothered by it.
You need to build a support network of some sort...so sisters, friends, workmates anyone you can talk to about whats going on? so that there is someone physically there to support you through this difficult time.
If you have siblings you can all go and talk to your father about what you are feeling, I love my dad very much too and i feel i would do anything to make him happy but not at this cost and you need to take a stand and be prepared for a tough ride. Try and talk calmly to your father without getting tooooo emotional and explain whats going on. He may understand. You have to keep convincing him if he doesnt understand that you are not happy.
You hinted in a few previous posts that you feel you have let down your father in the past and you want to please him this time, but this is the one time in your life where you are allowed to be fussy are allowed to make a stand and allowed to have a voice.
What do you think your fathers reaction will be if you talk to him about this? i hope i dont offend you by saying this but will you be safe?
It's a matter of your whole life. Think carefully. Don't be scared aobut wat ppl would say or lack of support. Get your sister to support you or anohter silbing. Have you talked to ur mom? Wat does she say? If sum1 in ur immedite family supports u, (sibling or mom) tat would make things easier for you and would help you make the rite decision.
Goshhhhhhhh only if my mom was alive I wouldve just hugged her and just cry my a** off, scream, yell let everything out, but unfortunetly shes not with me......... and talking to someone well my sister neverrrrrrrr took my side she always took my dads side and went against me but for the first time shes willing to do whatever it takes for me to break this relationship off..... she hates my husband and his family my BIL hates them my brother hates them my BIL's brother hates them who I barely know....... I have one friend and she hates them.... but like i said before in my dads eyes were stupid imature idiots who cant make our own decisions..... if I take a stand and tell my dad that Im ending this well then he has no choice but to listen to me and on the other hand he wont talk to me he'll have the most irritating disturbing behaviour with me which Ive already experienced...... and honestly I can deal with it!
but the problem is that my sister is in Pakistan and my dad doesnt take her serious at allllllll, my dad is against me having friends so he hates the only friend I have and my brother well he moved out so hes not around much!
Healthy-minded parents take into consideration the feelings of their children. Positive parents encourage the children to be actively involved in making life's big decisions. Parents who implement healthy parenting give their children options and understand that the relationship between them and their children is a two-way street and is mutual...............and not a one-sided affair where the parent MUST be pleased in all situations......even if that means possibly throwing your kid to the lions.
Wonderz, your dad seemed more interested in pleasing himself when he pressured you into this rishta. Your dad ALWAYS had the option of allowing you some time to get to know your husband before agreeing to Nikkah. Even if the guy's family was in huge hurry......if they were INTERESTED.....they would have waited for your response and your dad could have allowed you both to meet and become acquainted. I don't agree with this "there wasn't much time. The rishta was in a hurry." reasoning. In matters such as marriage.......it's illogical to think this way. Even if the guy's family was in a hurry.....your own father did nothing to help you out. I wonder if your dad agreed to this match only so that he could tell people that "My daugther married a guy who is handsome and filthy rich and well-known in the community." I agree that physical attraction and financial stability are important........but your dad failed to consider character and compatibility.
And if your dad is taking the "drinking" issue so lightly...........then I guess a guy's CHARACTER is not among your dad's top priorities. There are plenty of men who are married with children and still drink in their old age. Most desi dads would be very concerned about the drinking especially if that is something that is not practiced in their own family. Is it possible that your dad might be a bit materialistic himself?
So now tell me..............do you STILL want to please your dad after all that's happened? It is a father's Islamic responsibility to get his daugther married to a man of good character. Your dad failed in doing so. IN fact.......your dad didn't even take out the time to get to know this guy's character for himself. He didn't do a good job fulfilling his responsibility. Accept the fact that parents can make mistakes. They're not angels. If your dad failed to complete his obligation thoroughly..................are you ALSO going to fail in taking responsibility for yourself?
Tell me something. I get the vibe that your dad does not allow you much choice in making decisions. Has he always been this way or is he only like this with the marriage issue? Maybe you're not used to making decisions on your own because it was never encouraged. And I understand that it can be uncomfortable to do. But you have to start somewhere. You can get opinions from people. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But in the end......you make your own decisions. Parents will do their best to guide us........but they're not going to be alive forever. And for people whose parents are absent or not alive.........they have to go through life making their own decisions. You can't be dependent on dad all the time....................if he's not doing a thorough job............you gotta make your own decisions.
Let's assume you divorce your huband. From the info you've provided.......your reasons for ditching him seem reasonable. Is your dad going to "disown" you for leaving a toxic guy? IF SO.................then the problem is your dad.........NOT YOU. And if your dad acts offended that you ended a marriage to a guy that had many problems..................YOUR DAD is a BIGGER **problem than your **TOXIC HUSBAND.
After I told my dad about him drinking and his response, I kept on talking to him about it and told him that I cant deal with someone who drinks I cant do it and he just ignores me he ignores the situation and when hes really tired of listening to me he just says fine then ill just talk to him..... even though its hard to believe but my dad hasnt talked to my husband since our nikkah, well i dont remember my dad talking to him at all, he has left everything on my chachu who did this rishta..... and when i tell my dad to do something about this he says that chachu is the one who did this rishta he'll take care of it and when
im frustrated I ask him if im his daughter or chachus but he just ignores me he listens to what he wants to listen to and ignore the rest!
can you speak to yoru chachu about what is going on? or is he one of the not so nice ones?
wonderz i dont think you should continue with this rishta because its sounds like a road to hell paved with good intentions. You dont want to go there!
After I told my dad about him drinking and his response, I kept on talking to him about it and told him that I cant deal with someone who drinks I cant do it and he just ignores me he ignores the situation and when hes really tired of listening to me he just says fine then ill just talk to him..... even though its hard to believe but my dad hasnt talked to my husband since our nikkah, well i dont remember my dad talking to him at all, he has left everything on my chachu who did this rishta..... and when i tell my dad to do something about this he says that chachu is the one who did this rishta he'll take care of it and when
im frustrated I ask him if im his daughter or chachus but he just ignores me he listens to what he wants to listen to and ignore the rest!
Wonderz, you need to reread what you've said in your previous post that I've highlighted in red.
Okay it's obvious to you that your dad doesn't care about you. He had the choice to be a responsible father but he chooses not to be. You can't force him to look out for you if he doesn't want to. And you can't depend on your dad to make all your decisions. What if God Forbid.....your dad and chachu are not around............will you have the strength to make your own independent decisions.
It's OBVIOUS what your dad's attitude is about the issue. But what is YOUR attitude about your OWN SELF? Do you STILL think of yourself as a little girl? Or are you ready to think of yourself as a WOMAN who is capable of making her own decisions? A WOMAN who will NOT allow her future to be controlled by an irresponsible dad and an irresponsible chachu?????
Do you see yourself as that woman that respects herself? Or do you see yourself as a volleyball being thrown from dad's court to chachu's court all the time?
This is ALL about your OWN attitude and outlook more than anybody else's.