Re: Should I or should I not?
Call this one off and be careful next time you say yes.
For most desi boys and girls marriage is a gamble , it does not matter if it is arranged or love.
You can never be too careful in selecting your spouse.
Re: Should I or should I not?
wonderz... reading ur other posts in ur threads...
and i know this is going ot sound terrible but, is your father even the type of person you want to make happy? based on everything you've said..he doesnt' sound like a good father and definitely not worth someone you should sacrifice.
Re: Should I or should I not?
wonderz.........Please just stop here!
Ok so you are married.....but rukhsati has not happened....that is a huge difference!
Trust me I have seen cases around me and if you get out of it now it will be far easier for you in the future rather than doing this after rukhsati.
It is your life.....Many years from now it will only be you with him.....DRINKING is a big NO NO....specially when you do not do it yourself and do not accept it..
In Pakistan everyone who drinks really drinks hard and they just say they drink ocassionally (call it denial or whatever).
DO NOT MARRY A MAN WHO DRINKS.
As for not talking before marriage I understand that but this is GOD putting everything infront of you now....Do not be stupid.....trust your instincts.....do not jump into all this and ruin your life expecting that he or his parents will change....DO NOT!
I tell you from very close personal experiences so please just stop yourself here.
There should be no doubt in your mind at all.....I have not even touched on Lalach yet.
I bet some of you guys thought that Im being selfish and not thinking about my family, but after listening to there " hamari izzaat hamari izzat" Im tired Im soo tired right now that Im actually going through physical pain...... my stomach's in a knot, I feel light headed...... but Im still showing my dad like Im fine..... Ive done soooo much for him and in the end he is going to blame me......
lemme ask you something, If I tell my husband that im going to tell my dad about your drinking, which I already have.... I know whats going to happen my husbands gona flip but that doesnt matter my dad is going to talk to my husband and say " yeh achi baath nai hai etc".... and my husband is going to come under his pressure and hes gona be scared that my dad will tell his parents so he's gona ok.... hes gona be like ok uncle I wont drink again.... my dads going to be satisfied and so is he! everything back to normal..... what should I do or how should I do it?
The only reason Im having a problem taking this huge step is because Im scared Im scared that my dad will be dissapointed..... as some of you said hes not worth it, but in the end it doesnt matter what he does hes still my dad I love him and I cant see him getting hurt..... you know how people say agar aap ke parents aap se satisfy nai hai tho Allah bhi aap se satisfy nai hai, If I dont keep my father happy how will Allah keep me happy? Im ONLY scared of Allah and I dont want to do something that would hurt me in the future..... I know its always about the persons neeyat if Im ok from the inside then I dont need to worry about anything else...... patta naiiiii....
aahmed I agree with you but not all families are understanding and willing to listen to you.... my family is very backwards, they think there kids lives are their lives so they make the decisions for them, sometimes we have no say in it! It is about respect and thats why you say yes........ but sometimes it just hits you and you figure out that this really is your life... and thats what happened to me after the nikkah after realizing what kind of people im gona spend my future with...... I dont expect you to understand.... for my family it is the 12th century.....
I'm sorry, I know that a lot of people believe that way, but in my opinion it's asinine. Respect goes both ways, respect begets respect, respect is earned. Clearly your parents are showing a lack of respect to you by asking you to accept their wishes without question and without them having to be reasonable. It's nonsense, they don't have a right to cock up your life for some unknown notion of respect, it's BS. And if you are 'traditional' enough to 'respect' them and too 'respectful' to question their orders, why are you starting now? Respect their wishes and stay with the guy.
Re: Should I or should I not?
What does your mother think of all this? have you shared yoru concerns with her at all?
aahmed..... why stay with the guy? Im not against marriage and to be veryyyyyy honest If the family was better or if my husband was better I wouldnt of had a problem and just live my life the way its going..... but knowing everything about them which was ofcourse after the nikkah Its hard...
Ira... My mom died 4 years ago....
Re: Should I or should I not?
wonderz, i am sorry to hear that. Is there anyone else you can share your thoughts with? I think you know what to do about your situation but dont know how to do it.
Re: Should I or should I not?
I don't understand what the issue is, why can't you just walk away.
I guess your right I know what Im going to do ... but dont know how Im going to do it.... and and there isnt anyone I know that would understand....
aahmed the issue is HOW im going to do all this...... how am I going to stand up for what I want..... I know you hate people who dont have a spine and I understand that but, being dependent on my dad all my life and then doing something sooo big is alittle scary......
Re: Should I or should I not?
To put the drinking into context, given that he doesn't feel that he's doing anything seriously wrong.....
Imagine how you will feel in, say 10-15 years time. Your family is sitting down together on a nice evening. You, your kids, your husband, together in a room getting set to watch a movie. Your kids sitting near their father talking, joking, and he's sitting there sipping a beer/whiskey/wine etc in front of them.
What do you think that your children are going to think about the moral acceptability of drinking? More likely than not, they will see their father drinking and feel that it's not so bad if he is doing it.
No matter what you tell them, no matter how wrong you tell them drinking is, when they grow up seeing their male role model drinking and proposing that it's not a bad thing and he doesn't need to stop....... your kids are likely to start drinking too.
Re: Should I or should I not?
It's a terrifying step you are thinking of taking, so the fear you have shown in this thread makes sense. You must follow your gut instincts. How they treat you now is how they will treat you afterwards. Just keep that in mind. If you feel all alone and isolated, just remember that Allah is with you and will help you. Just be strong, make a decision and stick to it.
I need some answers for this question................
If I tell my husband that im going to tell my dad about your drinking, which I already have.... I know whats going to happen my husbands gona flip but that doesnt matter my dad is going to talk to my husband and say " yeh achi baath nai hai etc".... and my husband is going to come under his pressure and hes gona be scared that my dad will tell his parents so he's gona ok.... hes gona be like ok uncle I wont drink again..he'll say that he's gona do whatever it takes for him to quit and he will ...... my dads going to be satisfied and so is he! everything back to normal..... what should I do or how should I do it?
Re: Should I or should I not?
Wonderz, Apart from drinking and them being laalchi do you find him compatible? Is he educated enough? Did you feel during your conversation with him after nikah that he is a guy who would respect you and understand matters or he is just not that kind?
You should consider all these aspects as well before making ur final decision. If he has some of these qualities then relationship might not be that bad in future.
I have seen so many families who would ask/expect so many things at the wedding specially if the DIL is from abroad. Its normally one time thing and they wont expect that from you in future (hopefully.... as thats the culture). He might have other cousins or siblings who's inlaws did so much for them so now its matter of show off/competition and izaat for ur inlaws. They are probably just trying to make themselves look good that they found such a rich girl for their son.
Also you can try talking to him more. Find out baton baton mein what else is expected from bahu in future. Like what his bhabhi got at eid or what would they give to their married sis (if any). I don't know if you are frank enough with him by now. If not i would suggest at least do that and talk to him and find out more before you make up your mind.
Re: Should I or should I not?
Your husband will resent you for that. Telling on him is a terrible idea. He'll see as trying to blackmail him into changing the way he acts.
Re: Should I or should I not?
didnt read everything above ... but you got nikkah-o-fied ... meaning you're married ... wasn't all the finding out about your in-laws happening before the marriage took place? didn't you know/met them before? i mean jab wo ghar per ayay houngay rishtay ki ya jahez ki baat ho rahi ho gi ... to tab he andaza lag he gya ho ga k wo kis tarha k log hain ....
Re: Should I or should I not?
wonderz, there are actually two questions here, 1) do you WANT to walk away from this? 2) if yes, how?
The first question, you have to answer yourself. If your answer is yes, then you have to stand up to your dad, there is no other way. I hope things work out for you. Just don't make a big mistake to make your unreasonable father happy.
Re: Should I or should I not?
wonderz1: It won't be easy. Neither option is. But one seems clearly better than the other.
May Allah SWT give you strength and patience to find a happy and good life.
every1 is telling her to walk away from the guy..the girl is married 4 gods sake!!! She has her whole family who she has 2 answer 2...its not as easy as ppl r saying...!
Imagine if u lot were the parents of a daughter who had 2 go through that..wud u be happy that shes getting advise from random strangers on the net telling her 2 leave her husband who she barely knows on the basis that the guy occassionally drinks and his family is laalchi..
her dad got her married 2 that guy..kuch soch kar hi kiya ho ga na...she said yes...kuch soch kar hi kiya ho ga na...every1s being negative abt it...im not 4 a second on either side..but i have seen many girls who use small issues like this as great excuse 2 break off a marraige...no1 suffers except the parents..
wonders u need 2 get 2 know the family before u make such a big decision..nikaah aint a joke..wedding isnt a joke....talaaq is a big thing and if things can get better in th future then its not worth it....
stop listening 2 random people online..u know the guy a little only, the family a little only....understand them, speak 2 them..tell ur dad 2 take a stand..tell em what he is willing 2 give...let them know that u aint on ur own....let ur hubby know that if he dnt stop drinking then u refuse 2 do ruksathi..and will tell ur dad...think abt everything before u go ahead with such a big decision...4get what the bazurg said.....THINK!
May Allah guide you in the right direction inshallah ameen...
I know guys who used 2 drink occassionally...and after marraige they have changed completely....its completely wrong 4 a guy 2 drink in islam...and I agree...but what makes u think that he wont change??? what if it is just a occasional drink and trust me half of Pakistan drinks!!!!! what makes u think that if u leave this guy, the next guy u marry wont have otehr bad habits......that his family wont be more horrible than these lot...THINK......Good luck