Should I go back to my husband?

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Based on info available, there are not so strong reasons so far that you deprive your kids from their father as male figure at home and you acknowledged that above that they need male figure.

Which man you can absolutely trust to do that job?

You two brought kids in this world then be responsible and think of them.

Your ego and your parents do not count here.

Meet with him separately if you have no strong reason to be separated and then clarify if he is willing to change.
The guy seems loser but still the father of your children. Him sponging off his parents is none of your business.

(What I meant above is that you took a bit long to separate)

Now,

**If there is something really terrible like he is abusive to kids or psycho then obviously you do not need to go back to him.

**By the way, kids are important in terms of their safety, but their wishes at this early age are not important as they cannot really tell who is right who is wrong.
Whoever is closer to them and feeds their thoughts, they will favor.

Eventually you are the one who knows best. People can only give you guidelines.

Last post here from me.

Addendum: That means any post in response to this will be ignored by me. ;)

62

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

^ Okay seriously, you need to leave the village behind.

To the OP

You're the mom here and you know your situation better than anyone.

I think you know what you're doing HR. You separated from a bad husband, stabilized your home, put your kids in a better environment and are doing your best to provide for them. You have a plan and thats awesome. Obviously, they come first for you and thats why you're even thinking of him.

I think you need to split from him BUT keep it as friendly as possible for the sake of your children.

63

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Despite what has gone on with me and him, I will always remain civil with him for the sake of the kids.

If I constantly bad mouth him and my in-laws to the kids I will look very bad in front of the kids.

I have never denied him visitation rights, he is their father at the end of the day and I don't want their relationship to suffer just because we adults don't get on.

64

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

I don't see anything backward or village-y in diwana's post, read the post not the poster's nick.

65

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

So let's say you get a divorce. Are your kids old enough to decide who they want to live with? Are you going to settle out of court of go through legal proceedings? You don't have to answer if that's too private.

66

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

**Why do people think a man has to beat a woman for her to want to leave? So unless she is bruised up and down, none of her reasons are valid.

That is a bit backward - for my taste at least. Others may like this sort of thing but I find it really village-y. **

67

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

'Him sponging off his parents is none of your business.'

If it directly affects her and her kids surely it is her business?

68

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Once I have filed for divorce, I will have to prepare for the backlash from him because that in itself will present new problems. He will refuse to see the kids just to spite me.

My two oldest are old enough to want to live with me, the youngest two are too young but any sane court can see that I am best equipped to look after my children, not him. I can give them a better quality of life because he doesn't care about their homework, he does not know about any of their likes and dislikes etc. He can't even look after himself let alone four young kids. In any event, he will shirk from his responsibilities as even I have seen him getting impatient with minding them for a few hours.

In terms of any court action, I am still waiting for legal aid as I do not have nay money to hire a solicitor to fight my case. I have been to the Citizens Advice Bureau but they are unable to help as they too do not have the funds. Everything here is getting cut backs and there seems to no money in the pot for these actions. My only option now is that I put my name on the waiting list for legal aid as and when a solicitor gets news of some available funds.

69

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

I’m going to post this again. I hope people actually bother to watch it through.

70

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Opinionated, yes (who isn't on an online forum) but backward no.

What I don't understand is how a man who wants to get back together after a long separation is being labelled as having an ulterior motive and looking for sex. If he is so annoyed with his kids and responsibility wouldn't he just want a divorce and get it all over with? Let the wife and kids go, start anew with another woman? Has anyone considered that he wants to get back together for the sake of his kids? Just like abuse doesn't have to physical, every man doesn't have to have an ulterior motive.

71

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

What other judgements can we make then. He has not tried to get a job in order to provide for his children, he has not realised, no LEARNT from his previous mistakes. If he wanted to get back with his kids he would have tried a lot harder and a lot earlier..

Im sorry, but from very personal first hand experience, some men are just the typical 6 second men. There are dads who would do anything and everything to better themselves for their children and then there are those who expect their children to sacrafice themselves for them as they are the parent and they deserve everything.

72

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

whats all this hate of village people??

you are making it sound like all village people are backward?? ...that too just because u disagree with someone's opinion?

73

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

You do not need to file for divorce , let him do that. He is the one who is looking for women who can fulfill his "wifely needs" as you said in an earlier post. That way you will not be blamed for the divorce if it happens if he files for it. You treat him same as you do now even if he files for divorce and let him know that you will not make a big deal out of it if he files for a divorce. He is one who is giving ultimatums not you , right ?

74

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Tough times, eh. My duas for you and your family. Sounds like you've pretty much decided on separating. May Allah swt make the process easier for you and your kids.

75

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

:k:

Saying that a father is an important figure and staying married to the husband isn’t village-y. MANY women in the US stay married to their husbands for the sake of their children. Or they make a last effort to save their marriage for the kids. Maria Shriver? Elizabeth Edwards? The list can continue… They are not from villages or Pakistan and nor are they Muslims. And what’s more is that these women were cheated on, yet they still tried. I’m in no way implying that if a woman is being abused by her husband or is being cheated on, she should stay married-- of course not.

We’re told that God especially dislikes divorce. There’s got to be a reason and that’s why people should make the effort to work on their marriage, not run away from it. For some, that effort is months, for others it could be years. But one still has to try as long as they long as they have that determination.

In the OPs case, she’s been separated and her husband didn’t fulfill his islamic duty of providing for her and their kids. So after 3 years of waiting for him to change… it does seem like she’s almost entitled to a divorce.

76

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Before anything else, you have to makeup your own mind. What you wana do? You dont want to remarry him, yet you dont want him to remarry some other woman?

First 2-3 years after separation are critical to make or break the single-mom and family. In your case you have passed through that phase so getting a divorce is not going to effect kids that much.

77

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

I think she has already made up her mind to leave him, as a person I dont think he would have changed much but if she wants she can give him some time maybe 2-3 months to be sure if he has really changed or what. If not, then she can go for the divorce route. Personally I'd advice someone to get a divorce as a last resort.

78

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

gah -.-;
one can NOT remarry somebody who she/he is already married to.

79

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Uhhh...a man who lives off of his parents needs to have a backup plan because mommy and daddy wont be around forever.

He CAN get married again. He CAN go to Pakistan and find a girl who either really really really wants to be married for the sake of marriage or wants to come to the UK. But guess who will have to do ALL of the work there? Him. He aint ready for that. So, the best option for him is to salvage his marriage and keep some means of survival open for himself. Also, lets not forget the kids...he might be depending on them to be his 401K.

I dont hate village people and I dont necessarily mean Pakistani villagers. I mean backward/country/hillbillies (hillbillies are not desi if that makes you feel better).

Yeah, I disagree with it. I disagree with anyone that says a woman should stay in a bad marriage for any reason whatsoever. I've seen women stay in bad marriages for the sake of their children and guess who had to pay the price at the end? The kids...the bitterness those children have in their hearts for their fathers is real. And ALL those people who kept telling the mother to stick it out are NOT the ones helping these children heal. It does NO ONE any good - contrary to popular belief.

Its so easy for people to condemn a woman to a life with someone she does not want because she has kids with him. Like it was only her having them and he was just an innocent bystander who got caught in the process so now she has to pay for it.

Try living a life like that first before saying things like "you have children now and blah blah blah" I don think anyone realizes exactly what a woman WITH kids goes through in a bad marriage. The guilt, the second guessing, the fear of the consequences for the kids, etc.

Who knows this better than a mother herself?

80

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

dear OP

my advice is

you are out of this marriage, you've been out of it for three years...for the sake of the same kids for whom you are thinking of getting back into this train wreck of a marriage...PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM it you will only end up hurting the kids for whom you are wanting to take this step....this is NOT going to help them...nor you getting back with him nor you doing a trial period.

ive seen kids come out of such marriages really really messed up, because their parents always fought and all the kids wanted was for them to stop...the kids were bitter and despised the word "marriage" because they were under the impression that marriage is the hell that their parents lived through and they dont want that hell for themselves...I've seen that happen way too many times for it be an isolated incident....Please if ur wanting to get back with this guy for the sake of the kids ur kids would be better off if you didnt get back with this guy.