Should I go back to my husband?

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

^....you wouldnt because he is Not the father of your Kids ...
things are different when you have Kids..... esp. girls.....
..........

42

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Oh my Lord, keep to your separate ways. Seems like you're doing well as a single mom and you're finally happy. Why do you want to give that up because he wants to get laid??

I hate our culture sometimes. I really really hate it.

43

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Could not agree more, sometimes our culture sucks x

44

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

It was an arranged marriage not a love marriage so there was no heartache on any side and there is no heartache still. The best reason he could give to remarry was that he has physical needs. He has not salvaged his life after the separation in three years that shows he is not a guy who accepts challanges and take them head on. The best he could do is give you an ulitmatum and blackmial you.
You have no love and respect for him.
If he loved his kids and you and was serious about salvaging the marriage , he would have changed completely , got his act together and must have moved mountains to show you and his kids that he is a hero and deserves to be treated better. Least he could do in these three years was to start a business , get a degree , learn a marketable skill but he chose to waste these 3 valuable years.
You two still bicker from time to time. So what good it would be to change this once in a while into a shouting match.
The only good you are expecting out of this reunion is that your girls will be able to get a good rishta , but potential rishtas would come to know of your seperation and then reunion and would sense that this is still a dysfunctional husband and wife team that will not sit well either.
You need to work with what you got and move on and let him move on too , on seperate paths.
Wish him good luck and cut him lose.
A peacefull and amicable divorce and cordial relationship after divorce will be much more acceptable to potential rishta than a dysfunctional reunion.

45

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

The ultimatum that he has a bunch of women lined up to fulfill his sexual needs is like a threat. It reflects (imo) a controlling nature, which you mentioned that he had (guess he hasn't changed). He could have convinced you to come back to him by admitting to his mistakes in the marriage, by telling/proving to you that he's gotten a job, etc. But he did nothing of the sort. He could have tried to win you over by saying that he misses various aspects of your personality...but the only thing he mentioned in regards to you was sex. He said that staying together would be "good" for the kids...but yet he's not willing to take on the responsibilities of a "good" father/husband (such as getting a job, etc)......so when he says that it would be "good" for the kids...it just don't hold much merit/value. If he's so concerned that society would look down on a separated couple....then does it not matter to him how society would perceive him as a man who does not support his family? People are not stupid...they can see through things, they can figure things out. You can't fool your kids either, they know when their parents have a dysfunctional marriage. Also, as X2 said, people will always judge/talk...if you were to get back together....they'd still know about the 3 year separation. You don't love him. You say that you care deeply about him...but your latter posts in this thread show that you don't respect him. You hold him in contempt....and with such feelings, it's hard to maintain a civil relationship under the same roof. I personally don't think you should move back in with him. But before making any decisions, do talk to your children to see how they feel.

46

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

^Look who’s back :hehe:

47

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

i somehow dont agree with society sensing the dysfunctional marriage of parents when it comes to daughters rishtas ......everyone wants to see the 'complete picture' of the family (unless one is dead); nobody seems to care how happy they (parents) were together or how long they had been seperated from eachother or how abusive was one to the other (partner) ..... yeah things like that do come on surface after some time but what happens then? do people kick out their partners because their parents were seperated for X number of years in past??? ..... and i believe Nobody in arrange marriage settings let other party know 'oh btw, we were seperated for a while or we are together but very unhappy from eachother'
.....

you dragged the seperation for 3yrs but could have been divorced couple of years ago..... why u didnt? ....... 'should i go back to him' shows that you are still Not sure even after living on your own from 3yrs ....probably you just want to remain seperated but dont want divorce... right?
..... if you really want divorce you really have to be sure what (and why) you are doing this and how its gonna impact your kids in future.......

48

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

But thats the issue.

I dont want my girls to know their father as a deadbeat dad. I want them to know him as a good guy...him moving back in with her will just ruin that thought completely.

If I had daughters, I would have the same concerns she does.

49

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

What do your kids have to say about their dad's ultimatum? They remember the fights. They have to have some opinion.

Nowadays, kids are more aware of divorces through their friends and family. It's not unheard of or that traumatizing anymore. I remember growing up, I use to hear friends and cousins complaining of their parents' fights, just wanting the marriage to end because that was healthier for all of them.

As long as there is no blame game going on for the divorce, and your kids are able to maintain their relationships with you and their father... they will be fine.

50

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

they remember their fights

51

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

You have no respect for him.

He is the father of your four kids.

Don't know the reason of separation but it seems you took a long time to do that which was inappropriate based on the time you spent with him.

Both of you are responsible in putting kids in this mess.

Your best time to think of this was before separation or before having four kids.

He still can remarry. You may not be able to. Truth hurts.

He still can see his kids. You should never and cannot stop him from that.

Divorce him since I see you two have no bright future based on your posts. A lot of water has been under the bridge and it would take a monstrous efforts to overcome the bitterness and you are not prepared or ready for it.

Now, if you are to mellow down and begin first at least respecting him as husband and father of your kids, even without loving, then go back to him.

Love is over-rated.

Focus on love of your kids, their future and well being....basically kill your ego forever for them. That brought at least some problem in the past I suspect.

Life alone with four growing kids is not that easy for single mothers. Especially with girl(s).

Good luck.

52

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

as some posters have already stated, there is very little stigma attached to the fact that the parents are not together, you have a life, which by your accounts you seem to be enjoying, why do you want to compromise that? and then what happens when your kids are all married off, will you and him live happily ever after?

Once you go forward, dont look back, enjoy what you have, why would you want to give your daughters rishta to some one who had an issue with your marital status in the first place?

53

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

HeerRanjha I don't know what to say :(..but I will pray that Allah SWT help you and your kids in everyway of life...And HE will do whatever is good for you and your kids.

54

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Just leave him. If he finds someone desperate enough to marry him, then I know you have more than just a shot at it.

55

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

I sincerely advise you not to go back to him.

Suppose you were a guy and worked hard , had four kids but your wife never looked after them, never bothered with their studies , never cooked and never cleaned basically did nothing how would it be.

Here you are the breadwinner, your husband is not supporting you in anyway and he might not be able to based on the age you have mentioned. You cant just become a father. You have to fulfill certain responsibilities to first call your self a father. Since he is clearly failing in the financial dept, how is he otherwise. You mention he is an OK father. But if u get back with him u loose your single parent benefits. You have to work alone and support a total of 6 ppl financially, do you think he will help you with other responsibilities.

I dont know what were the issues that caused you to separate but do you think all those issues have been resolved. Are you both gonna get back together and start bickering away coz that will do more harm to your kids. I have been in this situation as a child. My parents being separated is much better than them being together. How will you deal with your husband not being able to contribute in any dept ?? Are you going to get more resentful ?

My mom was separated in her 40s. She found a job, got back on her feet is by the grace of god, the happiest she has ever been. My sister got a rishta from a family within our community it self is happily married with kids even.

As long as you and your children keep up your honor, there is nothing that will stop them from getting good rishtas.

Ask you kids what they want. Explain to them why you got separated. Explain to them what could happen, it could either work out or turn disastrous.

Do what is right for you, not what you think is right based on society. You will be much happier.

56

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

**A friend of mine had such parents.

Always arguing and fighting with each other in front of the kids and from what she described , it was very traumatic & horrible for both her and her brothers while growing up seeing their parents constantly squabbling .
She said her Mom did get together to try to work it out but since her father was always an authoratative , domineering person , she hated seeing them fight and her Mom crying all the time......by the time she was 16 , she told me that she finally "Talked" to her Mom and "Begged" her to leave and get a divorce than continue being part of a dysfunctional marriage ...........

My advice is talk to your kids , they are old enough to understand and have been through those fights with you, you might find that they would probably prefer that you two went your separate ways than get back together..... in all essence its the kids that are at the centre of all this and they need to be a part of the decision.......they will help guide you to a better decision than any of us here .**

57

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE :faris:

58

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

When I was a kid my parents used to fight alot, at that moment I always wished that they were divorced so that we can have some peace in our lifesAlhmdl, with time everything got better

59

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

There are some points that I have omitted as they are too personal to put on the main boards.

60

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Don't respond to somebody like that sweet ~_~
not worth it