Should I go back to my husband?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I think this is gonna be a long post and I don’t want to bore you but I really need some advice.

Some of you guys may know that I have been seperated from my husband for the past 3 years and I have had to bring up 4 children on my own. Financially it has been a bit of a struggle but Alhamdo lillah, my kids want for nothing and all their needs are met. I have struggled in other ways but as they are getting older, it has become a bit easier.

In that time I have been rehoused in a beautiful home and the children have gotten to see their dad on a regular basis and this is something which I have never refused because as a mum I do feel they need that male role model influence in their lives. He’s an OK dad but a lousy husband. The reason for our seperation was based on a number of issues that proceeded throughout our entire marriage but I had to put up with it for the childrens sake and because of the usual society/cultural expectations that I had to stick at it to try and make things work.

We have three daughters (two who are tweens) and a son who are growing up and when the time comes for us to secure a rishta for them, it will be difficult if families come to know about their parents relationship difficulties and being seperated. I feel that it will be my fault if their rishta prospectives will not be good just because of my status.

There has been a lot of hurt, anger, resentment and tears between me and him to the extent that government officials were involved because there was the risk of the children being abused emotionally. Thanks to Allah, they are now secure, happy and free from any emotional scars from being exposed to the fights/arguments that they had to witness between me and their dad.

He has good and bad points but as a couple we were always arguing and fighting because we just don’t get on. He was here at my house last week and has apparently given me an ultimatum that I get back with him as the seperation has gone on too long, he says that I’ve made my point about being a single mum (I left him) and now I should stop what I’m doing and think about our children and how they need both parents to be happy and together. He now wants an answer by Monday as to what I want because apparently, according to him, there is a very long line of potential woman begging to marry him and offer him what he is missing in terms of ‘wifey duties’. We have both been celibate for 3 years and I just feel that he only wants to get back with me because of this reason.

My concern is that as he is living with his parents in their very cramped and overcrowded flat, he wants to move in with me as I have the space BUT my landlord will not allow it as my rental agreement came via the local authority and I would be in breach of my tenancy if he moved in. I cannot have him in my house, lording it over with me and go back to how it was when we were together, i.e controlling, abusive, domineering and jealous of everything I did. I cannot risk that happening again as it will affect the kids and everything will be like it was before.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t love him anymore as it was an arranged marriage but I do care about him very much as he is my kids dad. I would not mind getting back with him in the physical sense but I just cannot live with him. We are always arguing and fighting about something or the other, we just do not work together as a couple but I also think a divorce at our age and with the kids to consider is a dangerous step.

Please could you advise me. I will be grateful for any advice.

Thank you for reading.

2

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Sooner or later there will come a point of no return, when he will get married elsewhere. Do you want him back? and if you do then I think you need to set the rules on what is acceptable and what is not. There is no point in being together if both of you are going to start fighting again, in such a case it is better to go your separate ways. Perhaps you can have a trial period, and see how it works out. Although he may not be able to stay with you permanently as you are a single mum, he can stay with you temporarily and visit the kids as he has no place of his own.

3

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

A friend of mines mother is a single mom divorced and she turned out pretty well and her rishtas are pretty good as well. So I don't think being divorced really matters as long as you are loving and what not.

4

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

No. No. No. No.

The reasons he has given just scream NO.

Why is divorce a dangerous step? I think you should ask your children what they think too. However, if you do not love him and are just doing it for the sake of your children then you automatically fail in being a good mother. Why put yourself and your children though all of that again.

Sounds like he doesnt want to pay for another wedding. Sorry to be so blunt, but I happen to know a man like your husband and just please NO.

5

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

I didn't follow your threads from the start but the basic argument you are presenting for separation was arguments & fights - in the end it was your decision to be separate. I think you should first kill your ego and then think.
Now the other thing of "wife duties" & women "lines up" for marriage - I think as a guy he is just trying to make you jealous, he still have love for you.

Sit down and talk with clear mind - discuss & find solutions for all the troubles which lead to separation. In the end it will be good for both of you & children if separation ends.

6

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

A best friend did suggest a trial period but with Ramadhan coming up, I don't want to be focusing on this, rather the fasting season and attempting to read the entire Qu'ran. I have thought that maybe after wards I could speak to him and the kids about a trial period.

I would not be happy about him remarrying because that will confuse the kids and screw them up. Moreover, if people get wind of the fact that he stays over sometimes (which he never has) the authorities may find out and stop my benefits because I am claiming as a single parent.

Years ago, I was faced with these problems with my hubby and I filed for divorce twice but the kids were still in primary school and it broke their hearts, so I withdrew it on both occasions as I didn't want them to suffer both mentally, emotionally and academically. So now they are older, they have pretty much accepted that their parents are apart and believe it or not me and him actually get on a lot better while we are apart. Yes, I do feel that I need him on my side when it comes to disciplining the kids etc but he has a horrible way of undermining my authority everytime I tell the kids off or when I discipline them. For three years I have done things MY way and the last thing I want is him lording it over me and finding fault with everything I do. I'm basically saying that 2 captains can't run a ship.

I do feel sorry for him having to live the way he is but he bought this on himself. I just feel that if we got together AFTER having a trial period there will always be that resentment as to whose fault it was we split, why did I do this and that to him, why did I call the police and social workers onto him etc. I don't think think we can actually move on because there is too much water under the bridge and a lot of bitterness.

Just to reiterate, I don't love him anymore as a husband but as the father of my kids. He will always be a part of their lives but I just don't think I can live with him anymore.

7

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

You already have decided, you will not remarry him. I don't see any point in the thread, you are just rambling.

8

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

then its simple, don't.

9

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

have you been divorced or just separated?

10

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

I'm sorry but I don't get it, you and your husband have already argued in front of the kids. Your kids are aware of you wanting divorce on two different occasions. You think that doesn't screw em up but him remarrying despite you not wanting to get back with him will screw them???

I think you chose, I think you both aren't compatible and it won't work, so what's the point of messing with something that has settled down and you've got your kids back on track. I think you need ot make it clear to yourself first if you want him back or if you don't mind him remarrying. You can't just string him along either. If you choose, which looks like you have, to not take him back then let him remarry because you know what 3 years of celibacy is a long time for a man. A lot of kids have had to deal with step mothers. Having two different homes, it's hard on them for sure.. but if they get the love and attention from both parents and they can see that their parents have mutual respect for each other it will help A LOT.

11

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

wth
She wanted help and wanted a place to see if she made the right decision.
WHO are YOU to say that there is no point in this thread?

12

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

and lol she's not stringing him along -.-;
she's separated and didn't want to divorce because the kids were young etc.
Now remarrying would mean that he would have a whole separate family and their kids will feel awkward with the new wife etc

13

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

i think that getting back with him and his abusive behavior will screw your kids up more than him getting married to someone else.
maybe you're not ready to accept that he has the opportunity to get married again while you're still single and taking care of 4 kids, but you've been brave so far, so let him live his own life and i'm sure your kids will be fine.

14

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

she kinda is. and i'm saying it with the nicest intentions. she knows it won't work between them, so she needs to either get back with him if SHE loves him, not for the kids or whatever cuz that'll just lead to more fights and that will screw them more than anything else.

15

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

why would somebody marry a 40+ something yr old male divorcée? Who won't even support his own children.

16

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

Him being married to someone else vs him making your life and your children lives difficult. Make a pro and con list.The answer is obvious to us as we do not have to live through whatever you decide. No matter what decision you make factor your childrens lives in it too.

17

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

I made the mistake of not being clear about the separation thing. I'm not divorced yet, just seperated.

My husband is a lot older than me, in his fifties and he has no job, no proper home and does not pay for his kids. He is still living off his parents.

And Firenze, I came on here to get some practical advice as to what I should do. My head is all over the place at the moment as I am thinking about the best way forward for me and the kids so I'm sorry if you think I'm rambling.

Thank you for your help guys

18

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

So he's a loser
divoce. there is no way he would be able to get remarried

19

My mums divorced and remarried and I've also got an amazing rishta Alhumdulillah. What your thinking of doing is completely wrong. Like u said your kids are in their teens so I'm sure they'll understand if you guys get a divorce. They're not little kids that they'll get confused I their dad remarries and I'm sure they know about divorce and remarriage in a western society that you live in. If anything it will confuse them if you get back with him physically but no live with your husband. If that was me in ur position I would just let him move on and allow myself to move on as well. He obviously cares about his kids which is why he's still around.

20

Re: Should I go back to my husband?

The way women talk about divorce and ending up married life gives me shivers.
OP, you already said you don't wanna remarry so what's the point of your head all over the place? it's been 3 years, enough time to figure out anything.