Re: Should I go back to my husband?
So he's a loser divoce. there is no way he would be able to get remarried
how "he" is the loser only. care to shed some light?
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
he's 50+years old leeching off his parents. No job, Does not support his family (his parents or his kids) and he thinks that some woman would magically want him when he isn't financially or emotionally secure?
What a joke!
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
Your husband isn't getting so many rishtas and women aren't dying to marry him. He's jobless and lives off of his parents and he's in his 50s. If he is getting rishtas, it's from girls in Pakistan who are being misled about him and life in the West. He's lying to make you jealous. He still loves you and wants to be with his family. Either that, or he wants to move out of his house and live off of you.
If he gave you an ultimatum, you should give him one back. You brought up a good point about Ramadan coming up and that you want to focus on religion. You can tell him that you can give the marriage another chance but after Ramadan... that during that one month, all of you should focus on religion and pray for the well-being of your family/future. Emphasize that he should get a job because two incomes are needed to support 4 children. If he doesn't accept that, then he isn't worth the stress. I'm just thinking about the kids... when a guy gets remarried, you don't know how accepting the new wife will be of his kids or if she'll be controlling of the husband.
In terms of a rishta... If you want to marry your kids into families that are open-minded and good, then they're going to look past your marital status. I know of friends and cousins who married into good families in which the spouse's parents were divorced.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
In terms of a rishta... If you want to marry your kids into families that are open-minded and good, then they're going to look past your marital status. I know of friends and cousins who married into good families in which the spouse's parents were divorced.
This.
Also, I think it's not a good idea to do a trial getting back together because if it doesn't work out, it will be messy for the kids again. And who will be blamed? Given that you already feel some (misplaced) guilt. It seems like everything is pretty stable right now and you're doing fine. If he marries again (which is unlikely), I doubt he'll stop being part of the kid's lives.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
he's 50+years old leeching off his parents. No job, Does not support his family (his parents or his kids) and he thinks that some woman would magically want him when he isn't financially or emotionally secure?
What a joke!
Took the words right out of my mouth. He is a leech. And it's not just the one woman who is dying to meet/marry him and give him unlimited physical pleasure. There are actually a lot of 'offers'. So yes, he is trying to make me jealous by saying that and issuing ultimatums.
He refuses to get a job to support me and the kids and has been unemployed and on state benefits since like 3 years ago because quite frankly, he is uneducated, unskilled and just has no interest in anything, just sponging off his mum and sitting around and doing nothing all day.
Soundarya, you are right about what you said regarding potential rishtas, I know that it is a lot of bull***.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
^ in that case.. there is no point of going back to him..... whats gonna happen.. more fights and more babies?...
...
btw... how your kids react when they see their father around... do they look forward to see him?....do they want you two to get back together?... do they remember your fights.. especially the girls?? are they close to their grandparents?... do they like to visit them quite often ? did you ever ask them if they would like to live them permanently? you have to be really careful about your kids at this stage of the game since your girls are going through at very tender age
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
seems you have already set your mind on divorce and you want to hear that this decision of yours decision is right ! the reasons that caused your separation according to your posts seems to be 'arguments and fights'. what were those about? arguments and fights result when neither of the two want to listen/compromise/tolerate the other one. two people in a marriage are always different. they both have to give up their ego and stubborn-ness to keep things going. even siblings have different habits and pov's.you have to learn to compromise and adjust rather than fighting and confronting all the time on any word uttered out of mouth. You have grown up kids MA and no matter how many examples you see how settled and perfect are the children of single parent might seem but there surely is a difference. Like you said he is a good father,and still comes to meet his kids even during the 3 years of separation, wont you ever feel that later in life that if only you could give up a bit of your reservations with him would have resulted in a different situation ? You are taking care of the expenses right now so maybe that's why he is not focused on earning and all since he doesnt need money ? did he take care of the expenditures before your separation? Thinking about losing your benefits or being single parent or the contract of your residence in case you reconcile doesnt seem a reason to me. You dont want a divorce neither you want him to re-marry ? is this a fair thought ? phir kya chahti ho ? or maybe you are so used to living independantly,indeed you must have hard time reaching this stage, but still you have the power of making decisions and running household and kids your way and you are just not accepting any interference or a change in your current lifestyle if you go back or he joins you?
You have to set your priorities and decide accordingly and be prepared for all the gains&losses related to that ! good luck !!
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
The way women talk about divorce and ending up married life gives me shivers. OP, you already said you don't wanna remarry so what's the point of your head all over the place? it's been 3 years, enough time to figure out anything.
please dont be rude to somebody who is already troubled... try to be kind please
dukhi dil ko aur mut dukhao duniya walo...
peace
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
^ in that case.. there is no point of going back to him..... whats gonna happen.. more fights and more babies?... ... btw... how your kids react when they see their father around... do they look forward to see him?....do they want you two to get back together?... do they remember your fights.. especially the girls?? are they close to their grandparents?... do they like to visit them quite often ? did you ever ask them if they would like to live them permanently? you have to be really careful about your kids at this stage of the game since your girls are going through at very tender age
When the kids know their dad is visiting they do excited to seeing him again especially my son as he is the only boy and he's very close to his dad. They are also happy having time with him at MIL's house because there are no boundaries there, they pretty much do what they want and he lets them. At home it is a different matter. I don't let them get away with murder so there are two sets of rules in place. I'm not very happy about that but as long as it's not really bad behaviour as he does discipline them. I can't tell him how to be with the kids when they're in his care. I guess that's why they love going there. Also, as I don't drive and he does, they get to go to their cousins house (from his side) which I'm very happy and understanding of. They do need to keep that cousin rishta open etc. I am not able to take all four kids on public transport whenever they want so they are happy being there.
I do think the kids want us reunited but at the same time they also feel that if he moved back in, then his role would change and he won't be the 'fun dad' he was when we were seperated (if that makes sense) If I lay down the law, he'll have to agree with me and uphold what I say and the kids may not like that. They are close to both sets of grandparents and visit as often as they can. And yes, they do remember our fights and quarrels.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
please dont be rude to somebody who is already troubled... try to be kind please
dukhi dil ko aur mut dukhao duniya walo...
peace
Thank you hunni_buney, well said x
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
why would somebody marry a 40+ something yr old male divorcée? Who won't even support his own children.
You'd be surprised.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
To the OP...
Divorce regardless of what the circumstances are, is never easy. It never will be. Life isnt easy and you know that better than I do.
I think keeping your kids in limbo like this where you're not divorced but you're not together is a bit unfair. I think you need to do what you need to do quickly and smoothly so your children can adjust in a healthy manner to whatever decision you make. After you make your decision, your focus can shift to helping them adjust and accept.
From all of your posts, it seems as if you dont like him, dont want him back but dont want to hurt your kids be leaving him. Your kids will be much more hurt though if they see you and your husband fighting at this stage in their lives when they have a better grasp of things. They will lose respect for their father and feel hurt by you.
As for future rishtas. Make your children so strong that nothing can shake them. If a man was good, kind, educated and treated me with respect - I wouldnt care if his parents were divorced.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
You do not live together and haven't for 3 years. He does not support you or his kids. In my view, you are already divorced. The only thing lacking is the piece of paper saying so.
You say he is a good father, and yet he does not support his kids financially, nor does he provide structure or discipline. I'll bet he doesn't care a hoot if they do their homework or brush their teeth even. He does not even support himself. That is not my idea of a good father. He must be a good man, to be a good father, because your son will become him. What kind of role model is he? (I'm not speaking from a lofty height here -- my ex is the same way.)
Your daughters will become you. Remember that. So how you live your life, what kind of person you are, will be the biggest factor in who they become. Do you want them to be women who are put down and kept down, who put up with whatever a guy shovels onto them? Or do you want to pattern in them a person who struggles through and has self-respect and standards, a woman who brings up her children and does the needful to live a righteous life in this world? Do you want them to support a loser whose only claim to fame is that he has a Y chromosome? Because you are showing them how to be. So make a choice. Although, as I said in the first paragraph, I think you already have.
You all live in the UK and they may well choose their own spouses anyhow, when the time comes. And they can't do any worse a job than your parents seemingly did for you in that dept, eh?
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
You want your husband to be available to the children and want him to give them attention. But on the other hand you are not sure you want him back in your house living with you, you also don't want him to get married again. You have 4 children with him and you both spent the best years of your live together, so life cannot have been that bad either. You might allow him to come back but are worried about losing your accomodation. There seem to be a lot of contradictions within you. I suspect that you are don't know what you want, you want to get together but you want to be an independent woman as well.
Let me address some points a) some people say that he wouldn't be able to marry again, I disagree. Do you want to take a chance that he may get married again? b) Not in work, you mention that he worked before and it seems that he only stopped working after the split, perhaps he anticipates a divorce and doesn't want to pay any money c) Living together might be a problem. I don't think living together on a temporary basis would be a problem...perhaps weekends. I know someone who rented out a property to a Nigerian lady with a few kids and the husband used to visit from time to time.
I think it is worth for the sake of marriage and the kids to give him one chance providing that you lay down some rules first. People generally don't change but when they are presented with difficult choices then change is possible. If you don't get together then assume that he will not live single forever and will at some stage get married again. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
What are you meant to do with a cake then ?!?!?!
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
To the OP,
make a list of pros and cons of getting back together with him. Then look it at and review it. If the cons ar greater and more intense, if you feel that the price would be too heavy to bear, now is the time to get a legal divorce and end that chapter and take a fresh start. The kids will still be able to visit their dad regardless.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
what I can not comment on
- his reasons to patch up
- whether or not he will remarry
- are the reasons for separation
so with the premise that there were real reasons for separation, regardless of his intentions and motives, unless those reasons do not matter, or no longer exist, there is no real reason to go back to him.
I am no psychologist so cant have some authoritative view here, but you have to figure out what is more disruptive for kids// guys getting back together and having issues again, or being apart and not having those daily issues.
as far as desis having issues due to some divorce, those type of people will also find out about separation and his lifestyle and have issues with that as well.
But in the end you know yourself, your kids, your husband, community and needs better.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
Ok the basic of it is that either you get back together or he will most likely get married again. 3 years is a long time to wait, and time is running out for your relationship. With every passing day the chance of you getting together diminshes. Assuming that he does get married again as I suspect, do you want to have regrets later on, that only if you had shown a bit more flexibility the marriage might have been salvaged? You and your children will have to accept the fact that he has a new wife and other children, or totally break contact with the father.
Re: Should I go back to my husband?
Why is it such a big deal if he gets married? Why would that bother anyone? Isnt it better he gets married so she can move on with her life?
Any woman who marries a man with no job, no skills, no education, no moral structure, no home, no savings, no plan for the future, no discipline, no way to pay for his kids or support his family, etc - is actually doing the OP a service.
I wouldnt worry too much about his re-marriage.