My husband is not with me he is abroad for his studies … as husband wife we donot have issue … but there are problems from my mil and some property issues which started among my mil n hubby and involved me also at the end… Anyways
we happen to talk to eachother over skype everyday … the other day my husband shouted at me very badly … he knows i havent done anything wrong but bcz my mil is not happy from me and my hubby wants me to make her happy in any way he was very hyper on me … i miss carried last month and he says u see tum ne meri ma ka dil dukhaya hy (which actually was his and his mothers issues which started i wasnt in there) so ab tumhy uski saza mili hy
i was so shocked on this
i begged him dat dnt fight with me i am not in good health i cant take it anymore but he replied meri taraf se murr jao tum
this sentence was more than enuff for me and i dnt want to talk to him any more … i dnt know other husbands out there say like that or not but for me it is first time and i am not able to handle it
Don't talk to him for at least a few days. Once his anger ebbs away he'd realise his mistake. You don't need to get into a 'why did you say that' session...it would just provoke things and you'd get more hurt.
Such hurtful sentences and words should be stopped the first time otherwise the whole relationship just goes downhill.
Long distance makes things really hard and am really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. But know that everything happens for a reason and Allah knows what is best for us. :) May Allah bless you with a healthy pregnancy and a lovely baby soon too IA.
my suggestion is --- if this is very new, then forget and forgive. remind him you still love him or w/e. talk to him same regular time same way. dont listen to those who say dont talk to him. they have no idea what they are talking about. firstly although you know you have done nothing, etc. forgiving him will put you at a super advantage. and remember this is very important. from there are two ways. which i will tell you later.
it this is not new, then u need a new approach. but perseverance is key still
what do you mean by new?
we have had many fights in the past but he had never said this much harsh to me ... he has said bakwas na kro and tum se shadi ker k ghalati ker di hy mainy but this thing is too much for me k my baby dying is bcz of me n this is saza for me .... he fought with his mother us ne apni ma k dil dukhaya hy not me and murr jao meri taraf se .... all this rubbish is for the first time in this 1.5 yrs of marriage .... and he knows very well that i am not physically and mentally healthy these days due to my miss carraige
i miss carried last month and he says u see tum ne meri ma ka dil dukhaya hy (which actually was his and his mothers issues which started i wasnt in there) so ab tumhy uski saza mili hy
meri taraf se murr jao tum
next time he calls and u see he realizes his mistake, tell him its ok (and in ur heart forgive him)
what is he studying btw? see i wont be able to give u solid suggestions coz i dont know the whole story. the fact is he shouldnt have said what he said, but still this time let it go.
the thing is men never change their thinking but to say oh u got punished for hurrting my mum this is low because a man can never feel that pain a woman feels when she miscarries and as far as saying to u u can dro dead.. well dont talk to him for a few weeks let the matter calm down and then just carry on as normal. i been through something similar to this although it was kind of trivial looking back at now but the more you argue with him or he argues with you the more fire it is going to cause so one of you will have to keep quiet..
Don't talk to him for at least a few days. Once his anger ebbs away he'd realise his mistake. You don't need to get into a 'why did you say that' session...it would just provoke things and you'd get more hurt.
Such hurtful sentences and words should be stopped the first time otherwise the whole relationship just goes downhill.
Long distance makes things really hard and am really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. But know that everything happens for a reason and Allah knows what is best for us. :) May Allah bless you with a healthy pregnancy and a lovely baby soon too IA.
What if he does not realize his mistake and does not apologize , what is your advice in that case ?
The distance between loved ones has known to instill more love and longing , instead of verbal abuse and fight.
My advice is to let him know what he said was hurtful and that you are mad at him. Make him realize his mistake and talk to him about him making a promise to talk things out instead of being verbally abusive. Love and respect is knows to get desired results more than insults and abuse.
What if he does not realize his mistake and does not apologize , what is your advice in that case ?
The distance between loved ones has known to instill more love and longing , instead of verbal abuse and fight.
My advice is to let him know what he said was hurtful and that you are mad at him. Make him realize his mistake and talk to him about him making a promise to talk things out instead of being verbally abusive. Love and respect is knows to get desired results more than insults and abuse.
I know what you mean Mirch bhai but at his point when she herself is weak and recovering, her MIL has her own issues and her hubby is being abusive a confrontation wouldn't tone down things..infact it might make things worse.
Secondly, asking for explanations or expressing how hurt a person is usually doesnt leave much of an impact on people who are verbally abusive. It gives them another invitation to start hurting the next person all over again. Showing your narazgi by not talking to him would make him realise that something is wrong. The OP's hubby is using her as a vent out point or a boxing bag sort of a thing and the only way to make him realise this would be the complete absence of communication. Once the anger goes down and he starts missing her, he would want to talk to her and might even say realise he did something wrong and that is when the OP can tell what she felt and how she didn't like the way he has been verbally abusing her or her daughter.
**…ouch … thats really mean … im sorreh to hear that. hope your life gets better.
i dunnu this doesnt seem to be a nice start out. Try not talkin to him for a few dayz, but if he doesnt realize his mistake, then that basically means he never will in future either. Maybe say " if this is how its gonna be then, i’m afraid its not gonna last long. And I might divorce from u."
I dunnu it really depends and i know divorce is a big thing to say… but if this is how it is in the start, then it is possible that it may get even worse later on in life.
If u talk to him or ignore this time and move on then this is how it will stay for the rest for your livezz… cuz he’ll know your fine with these fights and its not a big thing for you… and he’ll never realize that what he says is sooo mean and harsh…especially to a wife .
Whenever i read stories like these i alwayz feel bad for me…cuz every other story here is similar to this. Really are all men like that…i mean i have the strength to co-op with a lot of things … but it really hurts when hubby says somethin like that.
well maybe only guyz from pak are like that, maybe cuz their raised like that and are alwayz told by thier mum’z/family to treat their wivez like that.
I know what you mean Mirch bhai but at his point when she herself is weak and recovering, her MIL has her own issues and her hubby is being abusive a confrontation wouldn't tone down things..infact it might make things worse.
Secondly, asking for explanations or expressing how hurt a person is usually doesnt leave much of an impact on people who are verbally abusive. It gives them another invitation to start hurting the next person all over again. Showing your narazgi by not talking to him would make him realise that something is wrong. The OP's hubby is using her as a vent out point or a boxing bag sort of a thing and the only way to make him realise this would be the complete absence of communication. Once the anger goes down and he starts missing her, he would want to talk to her and might even say realise he did something wrong and that is when the OP can tell what she felt and how she didn't like the way he has been verbally abusing her or her daughter.
i think you are very right .... in past though he realizes what he says afterward but he never regret then nor say that he was wrong .... he just shows more love to me .... but as soon as somthing happens (like mil says anything or he is frustrated) he is the same person who abuses and say awful things .....
i have been tolerating his this kind of attitude and then forgetting but this time he should have kept in mind my condition and may be if i was ok in health i might have forgiven him by now .... he cant even realize through what have i been gone in my abortion ... physical and mental stress loss of my first baby and i was alone at that time he wasnt with me .... and if i have been punished this makes more sense that he has been punished too
I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, its terrible. May Allah swt you with all the blessings and happiness you need to get over this loss. Last time I came across your post in the parenting section, I think you were almost done with your first trimester? It must've been a very devastating experience, was your husband supportive and sympathetic towards you? What about MIL's reaction and actions after that incident?
yes it was first week of my 2nd trimester .... my mil is actually a meethi churri as they always are .... both of them were like its ok Allah ki merzi aisay hi thi tum theek ho jao bachay phir ho jain gy .... and now after a few weeks my husband is blaming and abusing me for that
we have been deciding that as soon as my husband will get his visa extension he will apply my visa but that day he said i wont apply your visa untill you make my mother happy (which she pretends infront of me that she love me so much and has no problems with me) but i dnt know what she says to her son
and he is subjecting me to condition which will never be satisfied and that means i wont be able to go to him ever
i actually dnt know what was the frustration behind his state of mind that day that he suddenly hated me like anything and used so harh words
You have a coward for a husband. Don't let this get you down. Let him what he said hurt you really really bad. You have to remind him that he married you and you are going to be with him for the rest of his life. You guys can't live like this. Let him know if he wants a happy married life with you, he needs to treat you better. Also, find something more productive to do in your life. If you don't live in Pakistan, go find a part time job. Get away from your inlaws for some time. I am sorry for your loss but life goes on right?
Concentrate on your health for now, pray as much as you can to keep your mind away from all the horrible things he's said to you. Life in foreign countries can be hard for newcomers, it is entirely possible that your husband was crossed about something completely different but decided vent his frustration at you. Its a terrible thing to do but people do that, unfortunately. Make sure you do talk to him about his extremely rude behaviour when he gets back to normal.
btw, in which part of the world your husband's living?
but that day he said i wont apply your visa untill you make my mother happy (which she pretends infront of me that she love me so much and has no problems with me)
he is in germany ...
as most of you advised i will not proceed and wait to hear from him .... but one thing i am sure of is whether he wud have realized that he has hurt me he wont apologize and will not change for future ... thats how i think i wud be spending my whole life
i dnt know other husbands out there say like that or not but for me it is first time and i am not able to handle it
what should i do?
no other husbands DONOT say things like that.. you miscarried a baby and this is how he treats you!! and I wont forgive and forget unless and until a heartfelt apology comes from him!!!
