Should I feel insecure?

Lifestyle Relationships
81

Re: Should I feel insecure?

they ARE OLD my sweet sister... aur kis umer me wo burhe honge ??? 70 ?? 80 ?? :( plzzzzz zara sochein....

Question for Hakua Matata: So when BusyBee and her husband's burhapa starts in ~19 years, do they get to retire and be waited on hand and foot or do you expect them to continue working and taking care of their parents?

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

I don't know how OP thinks she can survive another 30/40 years of this.... If they are really healthy then maybe another 10...

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Yes, I do. If you let people walk all over you, they will. And no one gets a medal at the end of their lifetime for putting up with their saasu maa. Ye sari filmi batein hein...ke bahu pair dho dho ke peeti rahay aur baad mein usko assi saal ki umar mein shauhar ka pyar naseeb hoga.

Btw, I am not advocating mistreating your MIL to the OP. All I am saying is...protect yourself. If you want to stay with this man, take him. Wisen up and stop letting your MIL make a fool out of you in your own home.

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

now, I am feeling bad.
I was only playing :(

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Ji...pata hai lol

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Yes, they're "older" than us and many but they're not "old". People 10 yrs older than my MIL and FIL are working hard still! My FIL stopped working at 49. My Dad is the same age as my FIL, I don't think he'll stop working anytime soon and my FIL is much much much healthier than my dad. Both MIL and FIL are very active, more than me! I'm not denying to help or let them stay with me, I just wanna do it in a dignified manner!

And I didn't understand your question about affording two houses and other "things". Like I said before, I don't care about things. It's just every little thing hurts when you're degraded in your own husband's house!!

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Busy Bee, I was agreeing with you! The first line was a quote from Hakuna Matata (with whom I was disagreeing). In a country (I'm assuming your in the US or UK) where the average lifespan is ~75 for men and ~80 for women it is not sustainable for people to retire at 48 unless they are quite wealthy which is not the case here. When you and husband are 48 you won't be able to retire because you will likely have to work to support yourself, any children you may have and your in-laws. Even if you had a child ASAP, he/she would only be 18 and unlikely to be able to support you when you turned 48.

If the debts are accrued while you are married then you MAY also responsible for them! I know you don't care about things. I am suggesting that you protect yourself financially.

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

First of all respected Sir/Maam…

We are here to solve someone’s problem not urs or mine :@:

and secondly… place urself in each person’s place and then assume actions…

I did it and definitely I analysed that her MIL is doing wrong… but… what do you want ?? kill her ? hang her ?? what do you want ??

where is our humanity and kindness against an evil person… ?? :@: Does ISLAM tells u this ?

and Baba ji… I will see when you will be 48 and running faster than ur children.. and not hoping for affection, love and politely from them… as u gave them when they were little… :wink:

89

Should I feel insecure?

^
1. Love and affection is one thing. Of course everyone wants to be loved and taken care of in their old age by their children. Its common sense obviously so the sarcasm has no basis here. In the states where she lives, no 48 is not old enough to retire. retirement age here is 60+. So to take advantage, revenge, black mail, manipulate; whatever this behavior is, because your son made his own decisions and married out of his own choices, not yours, is completely another. And yes in a way it is kind of evil and unjust, isamically, morally.

  1. Why do you keep referring to people as sir, madam, behain, bhai, didi, sister, baba ji, brother etc etc in every post.

  2. 2 isn't a real question. Just thinking out loud.

90

^ this.
OP I sympathize with you but either accept it or do something about it. Those are really the only two options. Only you can decide what is best and if you can spend the rest of your life like this. 40+ years compared to 6, woah. Stop caring about what everyone else thinks or what other people are saying about you. EVERY desi community is like that, yours is no exception. This community has done you no good so far so why base your decisions on what others think. It’s hard but you need to not care about that because they are not in your shoes and will not be helping you live your life so they sure as hell should not get a say in it. I used to care deeply about what others thought but trust me you will begin to feel a sense of your own freedom when you stop thinking about what others will think and do what is best for YOU and YOUR life. Start there. You cant stop people from talking, even if your MIL didn’t hate you and your life was perfect you would still hear crap through the grapevine being said about you. Gossiping is a disease in our communities. So 1. stop caring about others opinions that have no impact in your life. 2. Think really hard about the next 30+ years and how you will cope with this situation. Only you can decide this.

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Garamasala: sorry I misunderstood that first paragraph. It looked familiar but I thought you re-wrote HM's pov.

Hakuna: wow! Who said about love and affection and not treating them right. After all that they continue to do to me, I'm at their service 24/7 from washing their clothes to picking up after them and every other thing, WITHOUT saying a word to them. IMAGINE if they had treated me right, how would I be with them. Just think!

SS: I agree with you and all other good advice I got. I really want to change myself and stand up for myself but I'm afraid I'm all alone with no support from anyone. If my mom hadn't told me to tough it out the other day, I was probably gonna leave n go stay with her for a while but bad luck I guess!

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Stay with her, I'm sure she won't like it but no parent wants to see her child in pain. You need to pack your bags and just go.

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Should I feel insecure?

Exactly! Most parents will never willingly take their daughters so easily busy bee. They are your parents and will never stop loving you. They are the only ones that will still be willing to put up with all your issues. In the long run for your health and happiness they will understand. You will never really get the support for a divorce if you choose but you once took a stand for this marriage without their full support and now you need to take a stand for what you feel is best for you now, or keep suffering the way you are. You will probably go back to doing what your doing and you are seeing the outcome of that. It's one of those hard decisions that no matter what you will always be the bad guy in the situ and unfortunately it ultimately comes down to what kinds of things you are sacrificing with your decisions and how they affect you. because this was your choice in the first place you will probably also hear your parents say we told you so but i am sure they will stand by your side the same way they did when you got married. you may have made some decisions which you are suffering for now but everyone makes mistakes, everyone goes through really hard times at some point, but those decisions dont mean, you need to suffer for it for the rest of your life, you didnt commit murder, you married out of love. please do not let cultural stigmas determine your role and worth. You need to go and at least take some time away and if that means showing up to your parents house then just do it to clear your head and talk to your family. Do you not have sisters or cousins or someone on your end to talk to? To help you through it? Are your parents close by?

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Busy Bee,

I agree with Reha. Your husband is very lucky that he has found a wife as loving and supportive as you that you have been silently suffering for his sake. You don't have to suffer silently. That is not what God intended for any human being. Regardless of whether your husband is uninformed of his Islamic duty to you & his family or unable to stand up to his family, the buck stops with him. But sometimes, the men are not prepared to do what they must do so you'll have to teach him slowly (without being overbearing). And he is very lucky to have a wife who will help correct him of such a mistake that may weigh heavily on Judgement Day.

According to Islam, every person has a role. Your husband needs to learn his role and responsibilities as a husband, his role & limits as a son. Doing right by you will in no way take anything away from his mother. Every person and every thing has a proper place. Every person has a role, a wife, a mother, a husband and a son. The husband/son is the enforcer of these roles. Like someone has stated previously, the MIL temper tantrums, are occurring because not only are those tantrums being tolerated, but they are being rewarded. She gets exactly what she wants. Your husband is an enabler of this behavior. If your husband doesn't put an end to cruel behavior from his parents to you, he becomes an accomplice to their cruelty.

I know you are frustrated and are most likely at your wits ends, but yelling at your husband or emotionally stating that your rights are being trampled on will not help you obtain your rights. If you want to try to change things in this family, it will require strategic action. If you're not ready to throw in the towel and run as far away from this circus, I'd be happy to share my two cents. Bringing a baby into this mess is the last thing you need to do.

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Ohhhhhhhhh :eek: :open_mouth:

hehehehehe :omg: aray its only to give you people some respect… I always try to be polite and kind :hehe: I dont care what people calls me or talk/think about me :@: I only care abt people dont get hurt from me… :@:

and dusri baat… BABA JI… hahahahahahahahahahahaha :omg: :rotfl:

I lovvvveeeeeeeee this word… and is used for frankly speaking :cb:

but why are you thinking so loudly ?? :cb: :rotfl:

yes obviously I was talking about helping parents and be with them always… hmm u r right too… but retiring at 48 is not an issue… the thing is EVIL BEHAVIOUR of her PILs… specially MIL :-/

so whoz is going to fix it ?? me or you ?? no other than his hubby I think :slight_smile: and she HAVEEEEE to convince HIM… just that… she is doing good balke excellent… but to boost her and creating savageness and rage in her is not a good idea… (em not talking abt u)
BB is already a good person… the thing is PIL are blind… and they cant find good habbits in her…

So, Either Prayers will effect or BB’s hubby… At the moment… He is the key to solution… think widely.. and select options.. WELL!!! I found it the best one… :@:

and also I am just trying to save her house & family :slight_smile: infact I want every single person on this whole planet to be happy and life an Ideal life… thats why I am trying to convince her and calling her Didi :slight_smile:

Hope you understand S and S…

:slight_smile:

“Time Decides Whom We Meet & Keep In Life… & … Behaviour Decides Whom Will Stay In One’s Life”

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Busy Bee,

I feel your pain and know your situation very well and the following are not mere words.

**They can imprison your body but not your soul. Your soul is always free and no one can take away your dignity. **

Take a look at the videos here and they are offering the first week’s mediation for free. There is a lot of wisdom in the videos. Maybe you can watch these with your husband. Don’t lose hope. I am in no way affiliated with this meditation program. In my quest to find a mediation program, I stumbled onto this and found this to be very beneficial and hope/pray that it is beneficial to all who read this post.

Also, Don’t worry about what your Mom said. She too is frustrated with the situation because she warned you about these horrible people and she’s now telling you, what can I do, I told you how they were going to be. She doesn’t mean to hurt you. She just meant you’ll have to adjust yourself to the situation, which is not the same as continue to be abused. You don’t have to continue to put up with the abuse. You just have to awaken your husband’s conscience.

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Your Mom is with you. She is always with you. As well as your Dad. Sometimes, a father's gruff exterior doesn't mean that he doesn't love his daughter. They come from a different world and see it through different lenses. "Family Honor" etc but that doesn't mean they want you to suffer.

If you need to get away, go stay with your Mom. It'll be nice to have some one on one time with your Mom. Your Number 1 priority is to take care of yourself. Go where you will get some peace and rest.

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Funny thing about parents, it may seem like they're unsupportive and whatnot, but once you take that step, that stand, that decision....for the most part, they back you up.

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

I said previously that I believe her parents would never support her decision (if she took it) to be unhappy in a relationship just to save face.

Parents are sometimes difficult to read. Mostly because they want to put on a strong front to product their child.

Good Luck OP; I hope whatever you do with your life is satisfactory for you.

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Re: Should I feel insecure?

Thank you for all your replies, it seriously takes a lot of load off of me to think that there are people who think that I'm being mistreated! Hearing every day that I should "adjust" has gotten old. I really wanted someone to tell me that I should "stand up" and not just "adjust" to this drama or w/e the heck this is!

Anyways, so on Saturday night, I spoke to hubby (very calmly) about how it's getting really unbearable to for me and I wouldn't like to bring a child into this. I told him that I don't want him to take away from his parents rights just as I don't want him to take away from mine. I told him if he can't make me feel respected and secure in his own life, then I'll just grow up further thinking that this is where I belong and probably let my children suffer too and let them live a submissive life like mine (I really think that way too). I also told him if he's having trouble balancing between his family and me then it's better that we get separated so we both can move on and not show each other one's dark side. I don't want it to get ugly alone, and definitely not with kids. I respect him family and that's why I haven't said a word to them ever but if he can't stand up for me, I'm better off alone, where at least I'll have some self-respect and peace of mind.....I said all of this and much more. Basically, I opened up to him calmly and said if it's not gonna get fixed then we should part ways. SO, after all this he said "OK, you can do whatever you want, you want to leave, leave! Don't ask me, do what's better for you and your future". He said it in a not-so-calm tone. Anyways, all done, and I told him ok I'll book my tickets tomorrow to go to my mom's. He said ok. Sunday, we didn't talk all day about anything. Today he went to work, asked MIL to make his breakfast (which he never does), and of course she had to cause drama over all this and say "kyun usey kya hua hai aaj". But anyways, he told her nothing, and left to work. So, just a few minutes ago, he sent me this:

"I thought we were a team. I thought you understood me better. You know I love you, you very well know and that's why you're taking advantage of me. Why can't you give me benefit of the doubt. Why can't you see I'm trying to keep everyone happy. I already told you, I can't change them, never. That's how they grew up that's their mentality I can't change it now. There are many times I told them to treat you right behind your back but they deny they did anything wrong so how the hell do I put in their brains that they really did do wrong. I don't know what you expect from me. Just like I don't say anything to you in front of them, I don't wanna say anything to them in front of you. But I have told them many times before. Now I don't do it because they either deny or tell me that you filled my ears. Just to protect you, I do everything according to them so that they don't think negatively of you. I know they already do but Im trying to make things right for everyone and I thought you were in it with me. If I don't ask you where we should move or what we should do in future, I assume that you trust me that I won't do anything that will cause harm to you. Of course they're my priority because they're my parents but you're not any less either. I don't know what you think but when I'm trying to make a decision, I keep all of you in my mind, doesn't matter what comes out of my mouth. I just don't know how to make you understand. But even after all this if you think leaving is better for you, then leave, go find a better future for yourself. I'll just think that I wasted these 11 years of my life because of my parents' baddua that I went against them to marry you! Let me know what you decide to do, I'm as fed up as you are with this same **** every day!"

So, yeah, this is what he wrote. Why does he make me feel fuilty?!?! Why??? Why after making the decision to leave, now I'm thinking that I should give it another try? I'm just devastated!!!