Its easy...they find the emotional ones among their kids and prey off of them.
I don't think her husband's parents are evil or want to hurt their son. However, often times these petty issues start to cloud our judgment and we cannot see the bigger picture. Her inlaws don't understand the seriousness of their actions. They really don't.
This made me laugh bcoz my FIL sometimes adds to the fire. Even if hubby would say something like ammi aaj nahi kal chalenge, FIL says "maa ko na karte ho, Allah ka khauf karo, maa baap ka rutba nahi jaante". Like just yesterday, hubby had a issue with the insurance and he was calling them, they put him on hold so obviously he wasn't talking but had the phone to his ears. MIL comes and tells him "mujhe ice-cream khila kar lao". He's like ammi rehne de main busy hun (obviously he was stressed with the insurance stuff) and she goes out of the room, tells FIL, FIL comes in and starts lecturing hubby "maa ka dil dukhane ka azaab pata hai na, Allah kabhi maaf nahi karega, etc etc etc" . This became a whole khutba on parents WHILE hubby was on hold. They could clearly see he's on hold! So finally he hung up without talking to insurance and took her out for ice-cream! And when we we left, again in the car a whole khutba on maa baap. I guess hubby must've been really stressed coz he said "abb aa toh gaya hun abbu" (politely of course) and FIL replies "beta ek baar ki baat nahi hai hamesha hi aisa rawaiya rehna chahiye etc etc".......wth?!? Like my hubby doesn't do enough already. I feel bad for my hubby sometimes, really! I wonder why he doesn't feel for himself if not for me??
You have my sympathy Busybee. Just reading that stuff made my blood boil, I can't imagine how you live with these people. If that was my huband I'm sorry to say, I'd want to wring his neck and good riddance. You're still 29 and have the rest of your life ahead of you. If you can't cut your losses and move on, I would suggest following Ghost's suggestions. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes. No one should have to live in such misery and with no control in their lives.
You really need to be more independent. Get a job and hopefully that will help with you getting a backbone slowly too. Stop being a doormat for your in laws and don't wait on them hand and foot. Learn your rights as a wife in Islam and scream and cry around the whole house about it! Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine. Spend what you like and as you see fit on hubby's credit card - after all you are his responsibility too.
You're in laws a real piece of work, and it made my blood boil too and I can actually imagine it all playing out.
Your parents in law will not change, and it doesn't look like your husband will man up anytime soon.
And you will not leave him as you clearly stated above, and you don't seem to have much support from your parents, and don't have many friends to speak of.
If there's nothing else that you can do, please get a job. **** will hit the fan for a few days and then they will learn to live with it, as will you. It will at least give you money of your own to spend, and give you much needed time to escape from that so called house of yours and perhaps make some things clearer for you. Venting is all good here, but you deal with the suffocation 24/7, I should reckon any person would want some relief?
I think you opened a thread a while ago about the same issue, and people suggested the same. Seriously, you need to get a job and get out of that atmosphere.
That's the most important thing, you have to be willing to do something. Getting on GS and venting is fine, but don't expect results if you're not willing to change anything. Your in laws won't change, things are good for them.
You’ve already seen what happens when you tell your MIL that you like a certain product while shopping. So why did you repeat the same mistake and end up stressing yourself out?
The next time you’re at the mall with your MIL…don’t tell her what you like, in fact don’t provide any positive or negative opinions. Try a reverse strategy. When MIL says she likes something…tell your husband…“Hammad, yeh aap ammi ko ley dain.” Do this several times, not just once. And in front of your MIL, tell your husband…“Ammi ko ice cream (or whatever her favorite food are) khilaa dain.” In other words, let your husband see with his own eyes and hear with his own ears that you do respect/care for his mom. Don’t complain to him about his mom. Let him think k wow my wife cares about my mom, but i rarely hear my mom tell me to buy something for my wife. Let him think k wow my wife is considerate of my mom…let me try to be more considerate of my wife’s needs/wants. Your husband IS ALREADY aware that his mom’s behavior is not right…he admits it…he’s even told you to ignore it. And he’s said that parents come first. So, put them FIRST, bb. And see how this strategy goes.
Basically let MIL create drama, while you try to maintain the peace. Let her scream, while you speak calmly and gently. Let her fuss about everything, while you be more tolerant. In other words…you’ll be creating a DIFFERENCE between yourself and your MIL. See if you complain and rant and argue…you’re just doing what MIL is. Your husband doesn’t need to deal with two disgruntled women. Let him only deal with ONE. Let only ONE woman wear/tire him out. And let her wear him out to the point that eventually he sees that he finds peace and comfort in you…and when he sees this difference…hopefully then he’ll be more considerate of your needs/wants.
Your MIL wants to create more work for you…let her. She wants to keep you away from your husband…let her. Then when your husband wants to be alone with you…tell him that oh I’m tired…i was busy with things ammi wanted me to do…or i think it’s better if we don’t as ammi doesn’t feel comfortable with us being alone together n I don’t want to upset her or the home atmosphere. Say this sweetly. Hopefully/eventually your husband will see that MIL’s behavior is affecting him as well.
I don’t think things will improve if you employ the same strategy as your MIL. You’ve tried complaining/venting like your MIL…it worked for her n not for you. You’ve tried a resigned and rather apparent unhappy sabar/tolerance and that didn’t work. Now try combining reverse strategy and taking initiative along with sabar n see how that works.
Lastly, yes I admit that you’d be employing a “strategy” and in a way that does seem wrong…although life isn’t without games. BUT try to internalize this attitude/strategy. In other words…try to make sabar and taking the higher road as part of ypur personality/life…and not just a strategy. I know it’s easier said than done. I don’t agree with the suggestion that you run around doing the same as your MIL and give everyone a taste of her medicine. This is because people naturally have greater tolerance for their parents. He only has one mom, he can’t replace her…a wife on the other hand is. Don’t compete with her..don’t try to turn this into an I’m more superior than his mom. This is not about the type of relation…it’s more about behavior. Parents can make mistakes; they’re not infallible. Think of this more behaving in a better way to make life easier for you and your husband …rather than a scheme to one-up MIL. If you begin to see/treat is as competition…problems will arise.
OP, you clearly understand the dilemma you are facing but seriously no one can tell you what you should do OR what you should be feeling or how you should compromise for the rest of your life. The only person who knows what to do is you.
Unfortunately people like your husband don't really know what they've got til it's gone.
And women like your MIL unfortunately get a 'high' for bringing other people down. The only thing people like us can do for you is pray she sees the light before the light on her life goes off. The truth is some people are selfish and want to be the centre of the universe. They want to be the centre of their husbands world, their sons world, their brothers world...and often hurt others in the process.
I guess you've received a lot of advice in this thread. Now it's up to you to decide what to do. Truthfully whatever you decide to do will NOT be easy. But sometimes it's a case of no pain no gain.
I just read ur msg… I hope I am not wrong if I say ur problems and feelings too
There are several topics and I nearly covered them all I guess.. so here we go
First of all… to decrese ur tension/stress about insecurity… A good man never let his family go away easily and you are a bid part of it… I am a boy.. so I can tell you better about a male feeling… in ur msg… I saw a responsible person who is sticking around his family and is successful to keep the wholeeeeeeeee family at one place…
Secondly… 48-54 years old parents ?? Didi r u kidding me ?? kya hogaya hai aapko ?? they are not old ??
I just …
they ARE OLD my sweet sister… aur kis umer me wo burhe honge ??? 70 ?? 80 ?? plzzzzz zara sochein…
thirdly… do u still have that energy and power and activeness that u had years back ?? I guess NO… burhapa aaraha hai…
fourthly… just put urself at ur MIL’s place ab btayeey "Aapka beta thik ker raha hai ya phir baad me thik karega jab aapko chor dega ?? "
wo bhi aik MAA hai… aik BAAP hai aur aik BETA bhi hai…
ahhhhhhhh!!!
kal kisne dekha hai ???
mene ?? aapne ?? obama ne ?? shahrukh khan ne ?? kisi gali ke footpath pe sote huye bhikari ne ???
Just once accept ur ILs as ur family… and erase this IL word from ur dictionary…
and then feel it… and 1 thing more… when INSHALLAH u will have Son,. and he grows up then got married… dont u want a nice daughter or u want a DIL ?? :d :d
lekin wohi baat… kal kisne dekha hai… Maybe ur Hubby finds a job greater than all of ur expectation (Aameen)
acha leave it… aik mard hone ki hasiyat se bta raha hoon believe me… every single MAN cares about his whole family so so much basharte ke uski tarbiat and character acha ho and ur Hubby is among good people…
acha on the other hand… in a long run… u r going to be the queen and future is urs.. MARK THESE WORDS
ohhh parents ko importance … kya nahi dein wo ?? it is necessary… sach mein… I am not including ISLAM or anything.. just saying generally… coz every single mind/person have different thoughts and believes
by the way.. still dont have kids ?? why ?? MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU WITH BEST AND IDEAL CHILDREN (AMEN)
^ this will also make ur hubby letting his shoulders down… @ Children
oiiiiiiiii hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm means ur hubby is little kanjoos :=D sorryyyyyyyyyyyyy (giggle)
hmmmmm… u can make him realize… as u sticks near him more than anyone so u can find a way though
khair my sweet Siso… this jewelry doesnt worth a relation.. I am ur brother and a true well wisher… I Swear ALLAH … u r meri behna… and aik Bhai apni behan ko khush dekhna chahta hai
plz thoooooora sa calm ho jayein..
infact just take a little break… let all these things slip away from ur mind
GO FIND SOMETHING ENTERTAINING & AMUSING… why u people think all time about this… kya aap is liye paida hui hein ?? HAYE ALLAH … kese samjhaun… these are not the matters… zindagi to itni khush-gawar honi chahiyeey ke choti moti baat kya bara bara mushkil waqt bhi hans ke guzarna chahiyeey meri Bajiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii…
dafa karein in cheezon ko… mein aapke sath hoon… and mujhe acha nahi laga ke he said fazool kharch
meri Didi ko mere BIL kehte to nai acha lagta… per per per per per
u can make him realize… do something… afterall no one is perfect… kya samjhe
not me not aap no no no one
but life me compensation bohottttttttttt zaruri hai… everyone have khamiyan/lkamzoriyan
ignore him..
1 day meri behna u will realize ke he Loves you and Care ALOT about u… and even wo kerte hein per mard kabhi bhi zahir nahi kerta… thore sakht hote hein naa
but advice ye hai ke unko btayein politely ke aapko unki baat achi nahi lagi.. keh dein naa unko… hamesha misunderstanding ki waja se kaam kharab hota hai…
go and say it to him… shayed chabi ghoom jaye and unke dimagh ki batti roshan ho jaye… nahi to sabar karein… sabar ka phal meetha hota hai…
coming back to the forum…
I dont agree with anyone except saggirl and queen24…
both answered well… on the other hand… other’s replies are wayyy far off politeness…
this can break relation…
relation baar baar nahi bante… insan khud apni taqdeer likhta hai…
koi aur uska zimedar nahi…
I saw a bit rudeness and disloyalty.. though whatever the situation is… he is ur hubby… unka kasoor nahi hai yeee to unke parents ka kasoor hai
and NOTE it keh…
is umer me brain ki performance kam ho jati hai…insaan bacha ban jata hai…jaldi rash ho jata hai… jiski waja hai blood circulate nahi hota…and log isko aik bohot bura word dete hein ke “Sathya” gaye hein…
guess what :d ye waqt kehne walo aur sun’ne walo pe bhi aana hai… (giggling)
han but… it is sad to hear about hamara haq and this type of things… this is against humanity.. poor or gross language…
this is typically of a sick mind not of a old(wise) one… they should be taught a lesson… u must ask them.. to stop this…ye to mujhe bhi chubhi and mehsoos hui hai baat : :@
buttttttttt isme pareshan hone wali konsi baat hai ??? agar koi mentally unstable or evil hai to u r blessed ke u can read their minds and plans…
and agar wo ghalat hein then ask them to stop this… unse kahein ke ye thik nahi hai… claim it.. ask ur hubby to forbid them annoying you…
gadha bhi akhir samajh hi jata hai chahe danda hi kyun naa khaaye…
wo kehte hein naa laaton ke bhoot baaton se nahi mante…
though it will be difficult for a good man to talk infront of them butttttt Boost him to do this…
it totally depends on you if u can manage to do this or not…
kisi ne aa ker madad nahi kerni…
aik kahawat hai bohot zabardast…
“bewkoof dost se dana dushman behtar hai…”
kisi ki baaton me mat aayeey..or it will only get worse… khud sochiyeey…
aisi baatein to kuch gharon me hoti hein,farq sirf itna hai ke they are ur ILs
they must and u too realize this…
but agr log aapko bharkaeinge to it will only help to break ur relation veryyy easliy…
they best thing we should do is to entertain you…
and above all… Pray for You…
1 thing more…can you become the Heroin/Princess to change the fate of this house ??
can u accept this house as ur own and fix it ??
bohot se log sirf baaton se apna kaam nikaal lete hein…
dont waste ur time Didi…
mein apka bhai hoon and mene general baatein likhi hein
coz log ISLAM ki baat ker rahe hein (giggling)
agar ISLAM ki rooh se baat kerta to kafi sari baat apko talakh mehsoos hotein sabke liye"
aur mujhe ye pasand nahi afterall I am ur brother.. and I know meri Sis samajh sakti hein mujhe..
but ye aapka farz hai ke aap sochein baith ker ke mene ye kyun likha “ISLAM ki rooh se baat kerta to kafi sari baat apko talakh mehsoos hotein sabke liye”
agar ye samajh aajaye to sari tension khatam :d mauj karein phir
acha Behna kya aap namaz parhti hein and har haal me ALLAH PAAK ka shuker ada kerti hein ??
sabke liye dua karein.. sabke liye…
apne liye bohot karein… hum sab bhi aapke liye Dua kerte hein ke ALLAH kare apki aur hamari duaein qabol ho jayein and aapki aur hum sabki mushkilaat door ho jayein..(Aameen)
once more time saying this ke… insan khod zimedar hota hai… this way or that.. and aapne nikaah me qabool hai kaha tha to isi liye apko moqa diya gaya tha…you committed it…
now donot panic… Life is a name of compensation and give’n’take…
aray ye to bohot nafees rishta hai jisko log apni bharaas,na-aqli and bad temper ki waja se kharab ker dete hein
meri apni aik soch hai keh “Duniya me 6 arab log hein to 6 arab rang bhi hein duniya ke”… matlab ye aik choti baat hai…
dekhein un logo ko jinki shaadi hui hui hai and unko 2 waqt ki roti nahi naseeb… but wo larte phir bhi nahi…
PAAK ZAAT ka shuker adaa karein, insan kuch nahi hai.. kal insaan paida hota hai aj khatam.. 1 day everyone have to leave this place…
mitti se mitti ho jana hai…
Mene husbands ko apni wives ko duaein dete huye dekha hai… hala ke rarely aisa hota hai shaadi ke baad..
ye aik serious matter hai coz I can feel the things…
BE BEST AND IDEAL WIFE… DAUGHTER & MOTHER…
Note:- If anybody is hurt then I apologize… do not be offensive coz I dont wanna hurt any body… but I can be happen unintentionally or by mistake..
RV: Oh what should I tell you! I’ve tried these things only to get MILs reverse strategy back. If I be nice and tell hubby ammi ko dila den, she makes faces or hubby tells me (in private) ammi ke maamle mein mat bola karo. So many things man, so many things! I don’t know where to begin and where to end! She’s been out today at a khatam. FIL dropped her. Just now, hubby called and said ammi called him, he’s going from work to pick her up from the khatam and they’re going to the mall. She never called me to tell me anything and hubby didn’t even ask me if I wanna go. FILs somewhere else. So, I’m here alone till God knows when! Only one good thing came out of this though…I was able to vent on GS today without her staring at my laptop and looking at what I’m typing and to who!! Alhamdulillah for that! Arrghhh!
Hakuna: Thank you so much for coming into Life1 just for this reply! Honestly, I really didn’t understand your main point. First you told me to “adjust” basically and “ignore” and what not, and then you told me it’s not ok for my hubby to do such stuff, and then you told me that my in-laws are wrong and hubby should take a stand. Well, I guess you haven’t read all my replies. The main problem is that hubby doesn’t take a stand. I don’t have a problem with hubby. I have a problem with the behavior, the treatment he lets me go thru w/o doing anything. I would love to live in harmony with my in-laws provided that they treat me with respect, but if you read my posts, I doubt you will be able to say that they’re not doing anything disrespectful. And yes, I pray 5 times, and make lots of dua too. And about sabr, I guess this is the best sabr I can have that after 6 yrs of going thru h*ll, I’m still with him. Khair, thanks for your input. I loved reading your reply though
so, Yes Didi… I am asking you to ignore little things of ur hubby.. like he said zarur to ur MIL and no to you…
Hmmm think it yourself.. ur hubby is not a problem… just ask him help you finishing this problem… regarding to ur PILs… he can forbid them… if they dont stop thennnnnnn he must take a stand…
but firstly… Siso you must prepare yourself to fix it and then your hubby…
The moment u stepped on this path … I assure you things will get easier
I just saw ur last post… that rude from them…
BUT…
why dont u discuss it with your hubby… ask him keh "For Him you let your family and life go away… but what is the reward ??? "
make him realize to do something now… coz its enough…
He WILL be doing something then INSHALLAH…
and regarding to my previous post… I was trying to say… that your hubby must ask his parents… agar wo nahi mante to definitely THEN and Only THEN he must take stand…
per behna aapko kuch kerna parega iske… kuch nahi bohot kuch…
ALLAH PAAK aapki sariiiiiiiiiiii pareshaniyan and mushkilaat door kare (Aameen)
Hakuna: Thank you so much for coming into Life1 just for this reply! Honestly, I really didn't understand your main point. First you told me to "adjust" basically and "ignore" and what not, and then you told me it's not ok for my hubby to do such stuff, and then you told me that my in-laws are wrong and hubby should take a stand. Well, I guess you haven't read all my replies. The main problem is that hubby doesn't take a stand. I don't have a problem with hubby. I have a problem with the behavior, the treatment he lets me go thru w/o doing anything. I would love to live in harmony with my in-laws provided that they treat me with respect, but if you read my posts, I doubt you will be able to say that they're not doing anything disrespectful. And yes, I pray 5 times, and make lots of dua too. And about sabr, I guess this is the best sabr I can have that after 6 yrs of going thru h*ll, I'm still with him. Khair, thanks for your input. I loved reading your reply though :)
by the way Didi why you only highlighted the points u wanna hear ?
It is well arranged if you deeply read each line Siso :@:
and MASHALLAH Keep praying... ALLAH ke ghar dair hai andhair nahi :)
by the way Didi why you only highlighted the points u wanna hear ?
It is well arranged if you deeply read each line Siso :@:
and MASHALLAH Keep praying... ALLAH ke ghar dair hai andhair nahi :)
Everything will be fine soon.. INSHALLAH
I didn't only highlight the parts I wanted to hear. I read everything but found it confusing. Insha'Allah everything will be fine. And in another post you mentioned about the ring and stuff. That is NOT the issue brother! There are many issues other than rings, jewelry, cars, houses, etc. The main issue is respect, I don't care about these things. If someone treats me right, I'm willing to give them my own things too but they have to show they respect and care! What hurts is how they treat and when they treat me like this, even little things bother much more because I'm torn inside. If hubby was really on my side, I wouldn't have felt their ill-treatment much.....but, oh wells!
If I was single initially or after getting divorced? I have thought about divorce but I really can't see myself living w/o him. I don't know how to explain. I'm not an independent personality at all. May be it's due to the fact that I dealt with so much since I've been with him. I've faced their humiliations even before I was married but he used to tell me they will change so I took the step to marry him.** I really can't make decisions for myself. And now that my mom has already said to basically tough it out, I** just feel devastated.
I had a very different thought to share with you before I read this part. I was about to harp on about taking your life by the neck so that they really have no choice but to respect you. I was also going to ask why does it have to be between your mom's house and his house - why rule out the third and probably the best option - your house, find a job and start your life from scratch again with all the wisdom and lessons you've learned. And then some more about living with dignity and self-respect taking precedence over pretty much all else including having the marriage tag.
But then I read this post and...you've apparently labelled yourself and come to terms with your situation.
On another note, your MIL is making up for the loss of her teen years and for the 15 years her husband didn't spend nor live with her. Some vicious cycle, isn't it.
P.s. you can make decisions for yourself - that's how you got married to this guy on the first place, remember.
If I was single initially or after getting divorced? I have thought about divorce but I really can't see myself living w/o him. I don't know how to explain. I'm not an independent personality at all. May be it's due to the fact that I dealt with so much since I've been with him. I've faced their humiliations even before I was married but he used to tell me they will change so I took the step to marry him.** I really can't make decisions for myself. And now that my mom has already said to basically tough it out, I** just feel devastated.
I had a very different thought to share with you before I read this part. I was about to harp on about taking your life by the neck so that they really have no choice but to respect you. I was also going to ask why does it have to be between your mom's house and his house - why rule out the third and probably the best option - your house, find a job and start your life from scratch again with all the wisdom and lessons you've learned. And then some more about living with dignity and self-respect taking precedence over pretty much all else including having the marriage tag.
But then I read this post and...you've apparently labelled yourself and come to terms with your situation.
On another note, your MIL is making up for the loss of her teen years and for the 15 years her husband didn't spend nor live with her. Some vicious cycle, isn't it.
P.s. you can make decisions for yourself - that's how you got married to this guy on the first place, remember.
[/QUOTE]
I haven't accepted to stay in this situation but it's hard to let go after 11 yrs and in a community like ours. Like seriously, what chances do I have after being married for 6 yrs and w/o a kid. People are probably gonna think he divorced me coz I couldn't have kids or something. I can't spend my whole life alone like that! That's not the only reason though. I mean I really wanna work it out with him but I'm just stuck!
Yes MIL is probably making up for all those yrs. btw, FIL used to visit them every year for 3-4 months while he was here. She never stayed with her in-laws though. She was at her moms. No one from her in-laws talks to her, I mean not even one person! Apparently they all had problems with her. It IS a vicious cycle!!
And see how this strategy goes.
plzzzzz zara sochein…
ab btayeey "Aapka beta thik ker raha hai ya phir baad me thik karega jab aapko chor dega ?? "
why ?? MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU WITH BEST AND IDEAL CHILDREN (AMEN)
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm means ur hubby is little kanjoos :=D sorryyyyyyyyyyyyy (giggle)
