Well, most of you know the situation with my in-laws and hubby. The new thing is that hubby has recently started talking about future plans with me. It would be an awesome thing in the ideal world if it involved US. But NO! Actually, he’s been looking at a few jobs to apply out of state. I thought may be for a lil bit we’ll be alone and the ILs can be with BIL since he’s here now. But no, every plan to move out, salary, living expenses, you name it, involves his parents because he said " they’re more important and getting old" (seriously are even considered old, they’re 48 and 54, not working, living, well actually enjoying to the maximum on hubby’s income)
So basically every time he talks about the new job, new place, whatever, he says “ammi Abu ke liye kya theek rahega pehle yeh dekhna hun”. Nothing about me or future kids (we’re trying for a baby currently) …not even once did he mention me or US. Ammi Abu on the other hand are excited as heck coz salary will increase. Ammi has already “demanded” a freaking 22K gold set once he gets the job. To which hubby said “insha’Allah zaroor”. I on the other hand asked for a silver ring for $150 and that’s “fazool kharch”…wth???
So my main question…I don’t even know if I love him anymore like I used to. I’m only with him to not hurt my family and mainly bcoz I don’t see myself living w/o him even though there’s not the same type of love/passion anymore. I don’t know how to explain. So yeah finally, do you guys think I should even feel “secure” with this man? His plans rarely involve me, he doesn’t like to spend much money on me (although with much pleading from me he SOMETIMES gives in, that too if something is less than $200), he tells me to my face that his parents are more important and he can leave me for them, etc.
I feel so insecure with him now emotionally and financially. Am I right to feel insecure or am I being childish?
Re: Should I feel insecure?
It sounds like a little girl wrote this, no offence. Maybe it is just the way you wrote it out. He cares about his parents a lot. He sounds like a good man. There is nothing for you to be insecure about. Don't think twice about it.
Re: Should I feel insecure?
He cares for his parents that's fine, but then why marry if he doesn't want to do anything with her?
When he says that why not say "why don't you?" clearly he's not happy having a wife and oh the financial horror when he's supporting his parents, kids and other expenses.
Do you think things will change after you guys have a kid?
Re: Should I feel insecure?
you care about your family so much that you are living with him "because of your family" .......and he cant care for his?
Re: Should I feel insecure?
how long have you two been married?
Re: Should I feel insecure?
AND.. even its just been 2 to 3 years.... its too early to expect him what you want him to be. A marriage includes lots of compromises and sacrifices and mostly, its required and expected from a woman's side! Give some time to your relation to grow up and to make it strong.
IMO, a boy who loves his parents can love his family... it includes his kids, his wife and all important relationships while the one who can not give respect to his parents, who can not love his family...is a mean and selfish man and he cares about only HIMSELF... and this excludes a wife and kids too!!
Maybe he is over-showing because he thinks his parents might get insecure after his marriage, so he is just rebuilding their trust proving them, he still loves them (even after a marriage). And maybe he is telling it to you too because he wants you to respect them too!!
I understand the part of 22K Gold and $150 ring, so well!! Sometimes men judge you initially to know how would you prove yourself in a long run with him! Life's like this dear!
I dont find any good reason why you dont love him with the same passion.... only because he loves his parents??
What if your mother is 48 and your father is 54 and you have no other siblings to take care of them and they live all alone?? Would you not feel for them? Or would you say they are not old enough to be left alone??
Unless a man or woman isn't married, generally he/she lives at their parents place..... no matter he is 16, 26, 36 or 46!! If your parents dont think a single time asking you to leave the house until you are married then who you are to judge in what age should they be left alone and when to keep them with you!!
Should I feel insecure?
I don't think your feeling insecure for baseless reasons. How can you be happy with a person who constantly reminds you that his family comes first. 22k jewelry for his mom? Wow. And yet you have to make a case when you need something? Most men like this don't change. I agree that marriage takes hardwork but you both people have to be willing to make compromises and sacrifices. If he outright says that his family is "more" important seems very inconsiderate. Even if the case, if he loved you, he wouldn't hurt you by constantly saying it. If you are this unhappy with a man who is not looking after you like he should and cares to make no future plans with you ALSO in them then only you can decide for yourself. I can understand sacrificing your future for your family by staying with him, but would they want that at the cost of your ultimate happiness.
you care about your family so much that you are living with him "because of your family" .......and he cant care for his?
The context of this is off.
I think she means trying to save face and shame from a divorce for her family. The issue here isn't that he cares for his parents, it's his neglect towards the marriage.
Re: Should I feel insecure?
OP, parents asking for gifts? Er okay. I wouldn't ask my child for a present. It's the thought that counts.
As for the 150$ ring vs gold request. Do you work? If my OH said that to me and I was not working I would consider getting a job to show I was fully capable of meeting my own demands-just saying.
On the flip side of that; I am a SAHM so in essence I feel I do a job and if my husband had the money available with no pending bills and wouldn't purchase something I've had my eye on for a while I suppose I would be vexed.
Oh and the age thing-I think it's a desi way of thinking that once your son is earning and married the parents automatically get elderly status and one MUST support them. I personally feel if one has hands, and they both work we should earn until retirement age especially breadwinners. Even if it's not a lot; there's a lot of respect socially and within families for those who go out and earn for a living. Noone IMHO has children to actually support them financially-that would be quite selfish. We do have Islamic responsibilities towards our parents-YES. But that goes for both husband and wife. Under our financial responsibility would be to ensure our parents are living in a safe environment, are not going without etc. Stuff like gold, extra property, fancy cars, businesses etc etc don't come under it unless one has the disposable income to do purchase them. Taking out debt to support the extras is also wrong (Islamically).
If you are newly weds and are currently trying for a baby your husbands attitude towards what is important may change when his own family starts grewing. Of course it is important for him to support his parents Islamically too however you may find his future planning changes once kids are in the picture. He will of course pencil in his parents but if he has brothers he may wish to discuss parents future (e.g. where they live etc) with them rather than take over and become the 'head of the family' and take responsibility for everyone.
If you are doubting your love for him I suggest you sit down and think about the situation and what makes you happy. If you are with someone just to keep your family happy it may cause them great sadness to think their daughter lived a lie for them.
I don't understand why responders at this forum are so mean to people when they don't know the entire situation.
BusyBee,
Besides Kakee, S-and-S, & Princess 1983 responses, not worth reading, it will just make you doubt what you are feeling.
Your in-laws are young and have become a burden by not taking responsibility for themselves. Islam never advocates anyone burdening someone else.
It is possible for a man to strike a balance between wife and parents. Your situation sounds more than the balance being off. The husband does not have to choose parents or wife. He can treat both of them with kindness and involve his wife in decisions.
If your husband was tring hard to honor both you and his parents and couldn't afford to buy expensive jewelery for both of you, he could have said " insh'allah zuroor, but need to save first to make that happen. Lets plan for saving by doing x,y, z".
I don't see why you would want to have a baby with someone who has no regard for you and treats you with utter disrespect. Having a baby would bind you to this man forever even if you divorce him. Most likely, if you are having a hard time now figuring out that this situation is not right, you will just hang on to this bad situation for the sake of children. Children need a nice loving home, not one where their father and his family disrespect their mother.
Re: Should I feel insecure?
Peony, ditto to your post.
Also, yes Islam doesn't endorse the idea of becoming a burden. Yes, there are responsibilities but they are not as advanced as culture would have you believe.
Ah well your spin on the baby situ is making me wonder now. Babies are great; but if you are having a baby to 'fix' the situation it isn't recommended.
US is any important word for a couple. Perhaps your husband hasn't been taught how to be a considerate husband? Some need a woman to show them that they can balance both without issues.
Re: Should I feel insecure?
As someone wrote earlier, I don’t think your feelings are baseless. I would feel the same way if my husband brought up his parents like that…especially when the parents are young (48, 54) and do not have any major health issues. That being said…
Why are you trying to have a baby with a man when you don’t feel secure with him emotionally and financially? If he has told you that he can leave you for his parents and doesn’t mention anything about a future baby when talking about a major move (in effect making you feel very insecure), then what makes you think bringing a baby in this marriage is a good idea?
As for having to plead with him for money…do you not work? Again, if you don’t feel secure in this marriage, I would imagine you’d want to work and save up for yourself so in case he leaves you one day, you have means to take care of yourself.
Re: Should I feel insecure?
It sounds like a little girl wrote this, no offence. Maybe it is just the way you wrote it out. He cares about his parents a lot. He sounds like a good man. There is nothing for you to be insecure about. Don't think twice about it.
Little girl? Fatty baldy ugly doggy? Really?
Honestly, after your posts about your fiance and the angry sex, I think you're the last person to dispense advice.
So my main question.....**I don't even know if I love him anymore like I used to**. I'm only with him to not hurt my family and mainly bcoz I don't see myself living w/o him even though there's not the same type of love/passion anymore. I don't know how to explain. So yeah finally, do you guys think I should even feel "secure" with this man? His plans rarely involve me, he doesn't like to spend much money on me (although with much pleading from me he SOMETIMES gives in, that too if something is less than $200), he tells me to my face that his parents are more important and he can leave me for them, etc.
I feel so insecure with him now emotionally and financially. Am I right to feel insecure or am I being childish?
Whether it's insecurity or whatever, the fact of the matter is that that's how you feel and....life's too short to feel that way for the rest of your life.
Either you work it out, communicate to him how you feel....or walk away knowing you tried your very best.
I've learned that sometimes, for your own sanity and happiness, you have to be willing to be the "bad guy."
I've been following your posts, so maybe my comments may not make sense to others, but he doesn't let you work, he doesnt let you do anything, your in laws treat you like garbage. Why are you with him??
Re: Should I feel insecure?
The context of this is off.
I think she means trying to save face and shame from a divorce for her family. The issue here isn't that he cares for his parents, it's his neglect towards the marriage.
I do not think so. Its all about caring...caring for family. She might be feeling neglected because she is comparing herself with his family which is wrong thing to do. Now that i have said it, I m feeling neglected to as I m not getting same attention from begum as my kids r getting :(
Re: Should I feel insecure?
Either you work it out, communicate to him how you feel....or walk away knowing you tried your very best.
I've learned that sometimes, for your own sanity and happiness, you have to be willing to be the "bad guy."
I've been following your posts, so maybe my comments may not make sense to others, but he doesn't let you work, he doesnt let you do anything, your in laws treat you like garbage. Why are you with him??
Oh I didn't realise. I suggested OP work to show she is fully capable of looking after herself if said husband won't do it. I take that back considering situ.
I seriously think OP needs to chat with husband. She deserves to know where she stands in the grand scale of things. If there is no "us" to speak of I seriously think you need to sit down and have a long think about what YOU want with life.
As I said before a lot of parents would be mortified to find out their child was living a life that wasn't of the quality anyone would want for anyone.
And if your husband is unable to balance both relationships perhaps he isn't 'ready' for a marital relationship yet?
Re: Should I feel insecure?
I do not think so. Its all about caring...caring for family. She might be feeling neglected because she is comparing herself with his family which is wrong thing to do. Now that i have said it, I m feeling neglected to as I m not getting same attention from begum as my kids r getting :(
you know, just bc you don't have a problem doesn't mean that you can make fun of or belittle someone else's.
Re: Should I feel insecure?
It maybe ‘wrong’ in some peoples opinion yes however when you are planning your future and you are missing your OH it can cause problems because the missing partner wonders what position they actually hold in their partners life. It’s not a tall request to be given a position in your husbands life.
The OP as far as I can tell isn’t expecting her husband to neglect his duties as a son. She simply wants to feel secure in the relationship and have some ‘freedom’ without being shot down when she makes a request for things like say money for jewellery etc. If your husband won’t let you work and you are struggling to get on with the family it all adds to the fire.
As for your attention problem with begum-think of it LIKE this. The kids are 50% yours 50% begum-yes? So 50% of you is actually getting attention. Voila problem sorted 
No need to start a new thread to thank me bhai; a simple like will do.
It maybe ‘wrong’ in some peoples opinion yes however when you are planning your future and you are missing your OH it can cause problems because the missing partner wonders what position they actually hold in their partners life. It’s not a tall request to be given a position in your husbands life.
The OP as far as I can tell isn’t expecting her husband to neglect his duties as a son. She simply wants to feel secure in the relationship and have some ‘freedom’ without being shot down when she makes a request for things like say money for jewellery etc. If your husband won’t let you work and you are struggling to get on with the family it all adds to the fire.
As for your attention problem with begum-think of it LIKE this. The kids are 50% yours 50% begum-yes? So 50% of you is actually getting attention. Voila problem sorted No need to start a new thread to thank me bhai; a simple like will do.
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LOL Princess! Me LIKES (don’t see the icon on the phone app)
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Re: Should I feel insecure?
Well, we'll be married for 6 years this year and we've been together for 11 years! Yes, 11 years! We'll both be 29 soon. It was a love marriage, against his family's wishes and somewhat mine. His parents have never talked to me as a DIL. They talk to me like I'm a maid. When we got married, they already had a house which my husband bought them and is paying all the bills on it still. But, once we got married and hubby got a better job, FIL stopped working at the age of 48 bcoz "beta kama raha hai toh main abb aaraam karunga". Mind you, FIL has been living in the states for 25+ years out of which 15 yrs he lived without his wife/kids (they were in Pak.) and he still doesn't have any money to pay for anything. Even SIL was married on hubby's expenses. I only have one SIL and usually don't dad's save up for their daughters' wedding?? FIL has nothing, no house, no saving, didn't spend anything on kids' education or weddings, high school was free, college was scholarship/finan aid, so I don't know what he did all these years!
I'm just saying this bcoz I feel that a person like him who has nothing after all these years, shouldn't he be content with anything? Shouldn't him and his wife think what if their son faces the same situation? Shouldn't they think about the future of their son's kids? But no! All they say is "hamare bete ki kamayi per pehle hamara haq hai" and they say it everywhere randomly....in the house, in the grocery store, while driving, you name it! We'd be drinking chai and they'll randomly say stuff to hubby like "hammad tumhe pata hai tumhare paise pe sab se pehle hamara haq hai" randomly!! So yeah, hubby has already bought them a house, and they still come live with us for 10 months. I do everything for them, never complain or say a word even if I'm exhausted! From laundry/ironing their clothes to picking up their dirty dishes which they leave behind on the table. MIL has never washed a cup in my house, never ever!! So, after all this wouldn't you expect someone to love you a little, show some respect??
Anyways, hubby always told me he's with me....yeah verbally! He never showed it in the big picture! When he's talking about building a new custom house, he says ammi ko aisa room/kitchen pasand hai, abbu ko aisa backyard pasand hai, aisa karunga this and that but he never once asked me! Ammi doesn't even go in the kitchen, for goodness sake! One of the really good offers he recently got was in Chicago. I said yeah it's good, will be good for kids in future as they have good islamic schools, all that and he ends it with "nahi main mana kar dunga ammi abu ko chicago pasand nahi hai". Like seriously? Do people usually base their decisions on what they parents like or do the parents even let the kids jeopardize their future because they don't like something? First of all, in-laws don't live permanently with us. They just come for a visit and stay 10 months and go back to the house hubby got them or visit other son/daughter/relatives. But mostly they stay with us 9-10 months. In about a year, they will move in permanently. I understand hubby needs to take them into consideration but giving all preference to them in everything, isn't it wrong, even islamically?
Like someone above said, I'm "comparing" them to me. NO! I know we have no comparison but I'm hurt. Hurt to the point that I think he was the worst decision of my life. He gives them preference over everything and they know it, and they take more advantage of it to humiliate me! They have two other sons, dare they go stay with them for 10 months and say all these type of things and get 24/7 service from their wives! Although my hubby is the eldest, but he's only 29, shouldn't they think of his future? I agree parents deserve the best, but shouldn't parents want the best for their children in all phases of life too? I'm not saying move them away from me. I only thought may be for a couple of months I'll get a relief when we move, eventually they were gonna come to us! Isn't it fair to ask a couple of months to yourself after catering to them 24/7 for almost the whole year.....which islamically is not even my zimmedari. I still do it out of goodness so they can appreciate me, but no!
Lastly, I can't work. They don't let me. I have two professional degrees in the healthcare field. But NO, I'm not allowed to go outside the house w/o my MIL anywhere. Even going to a friends house where only I am invited, she has to come along and I can't say no or h*ll will break loose! And when I say I'm with him because of my parents it's just so they don't get hurt bcoz my whole family knows I "fought" to get married to him and divorce after 6 years without a kid, is just terrible in the desi community, let alone family.
Sorry for the long post, but I needed to get this out. I'm just torn right now! :'(