Re: Should I feel insecure?
Well, we'll be married for 6 years this year and we've been together for 11 years! Yes, 11 years! We'll both be 29 soon. It was a love marriage, against his family's wishes and somewhat mine. His parents have never talked to me as a DIL. They talk to me like I'm a maid. When we got married, they already had a house which my husband bought them and is paying all the bills on it still. But, once we got married and hubby got a better job, FIL stopped working at the age of 48 bcoz "beta kama raha hai toh main abb aaraam karunga". Mind you, FIL has been living in the states for 25+ years out of which 15 yrs he lived without his wife/kids (they were in Pak.) and he still doesn't have any money to pay for anything. Even SIL was married on hubby's expenses. I only have one SIL and usually don't dad's save up for their daughters' wedding?? FIL has nothing, no house, no saving, didn't spend anything on kids' education or weddings, high school was free, college was scholarship/finan aid, so I don't know what he did all these years!
I'm just saying this bcoz I feel that a person like him who has nothing after all these years, shouldn't he be content with anything? Shouldn't him and his wife think what if their son faces the same situation? Shouldn't they think about the future of their son's kids? But no! All they say is "hamare bete ki kamayi per pehle hamara haq hai" and they say it everywhere randomly....in the house, in the grocery store, while driving, you name it! We'd be drinking chai and they'll randomly say stuff to hubby like "hammad tumhe pata hai tumhare paise pe sab se pehle hamara haq hai" randomly!! So yeah, hubby has already bought them a house, and they still come live with us for 10 months. I do everything for them, never complain or say a word even if I'm exhausted! From laundry/ironing their clothes to picking up their dirty dishes which they leave behind on the table. MIL has never washed a cup in my house, never ever!! So, after all this wouldn't you expect someone to love you a little, show some respect??
Anyways, hubby always told me he's with me....yeah verbally! He never showed it in the big picture! When he's talking about building a new custom house, he says ammi ko aisa room/kitchen pasand hai, abbu ko aisa backyard pasand hai, aisa karunga this and that but he never once asked me! Ammi doesn't even go in the kitchen, for goodness sake! One of the really good offers he recently got was in Chicago. I said yeah it's good, will be good for kids in future as they have good islamic schools, all that and he ends it with "nahi main mana kar dunga ammi abu ko chicago pasand nahi hai". Like seriously? Do people usually base their decisions on what they parents like or do the parents even let the kids jeopardize their future because they don't like something? First of all, in-laws don't live permanently with us. They just come for a visit and stay 10 months and go back to the house hubby got them or visit other son/daughter/relatives. But mostly they stay with us 9-10 months. In about a year, they will move in permanently. I understand hubby needs to take them into consideration but giving all preference to them in everything, isn't it wrong, even islamically?
Like someone above said, I'm "comparing" them to me. NO! I know we have no comparison but I'm hurt. Hurt to the point that I think he was the worst decision of my life. He gives them preference over everything and they know it, and they take more advantage of it to humiliate me! They have two other sons, dare they go stay with them for 10 months and say all these type of things and get 24/7 service from their wives! Although my hubby is the eldest, but he's only 29, shouldn't they think of his future? I agree parents deserve the best, but shouldn't parents want the best for their children in all phases of life too? I'm not saying move them away from me. I only thought may be for a couple of months I'll get a relief when we move, eventually they were gonna come to us! Isn't it fair to ask a couple of months to yourself after catering to them 24/7 for almost the whole year.....which islamically is not even my zimmedari. I still do it out of goodness so they can appreciate me, but no!
Lastly, I can't work. They don't let me. I have two professional degrees in the healthcare field. But NO, I'm not allowed to go outside the house w/o my MIL anywhere. Even going to a friends house where only I am invited, she has to come along and I can't say no or h*ll will break loose! And when I say I'm with him because of my parents it's just so they don't get hurt bcoz my whole family knows I "fought" to get married to him and divorce after 6 years without a kid, is just terrible in the desi community, let alone family.
Sorry for the long post, but I needed to get this out. I'm just torn right now! :'(
I really feel for you girl and thats a really worst situation for a girl to be treated that way. I can understand how it hurts. Again my question, have you talked to him in detail about all this? kabhi apnay dil ka ghubaar nikala uske samnay?? also, stop proving things islamically.... because islamically Bete p pehla haq uski maa ka hay aur doosra uski wife ka, and its been said ISLAMICALLY ke waldain kuch bhi kahen, uff tak na kaho, bardasht kertay raho.. so I understand things that you are going through are not what you deserve islamically but I assure youm if you keep telling HIM whats islamically right and wrong, then he has some valid points too islamically.
Speak to him but dont put facts and figure islamically, ONLY if you want to make him understand your point of view. As far as it is concerned about how your ILs treat you.. Peony once said to me,
If you want to do something nice, just realize that you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart for your own satisfaction of doing something good. And if they do mean things to you, just remember that those actions are their deeds to which they have to answer to.
AND, I really understand what you must be going through!!
