Should I accept him?

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: Should I accept him?

Thank you :slight_smile: I certainly hope he starts breaking his bachelor tendencies during marriage

42

Re: Should I accept him?

But why does one have to wait to get a wife in order to stop or start doing something. Someone once told me that if I marry a girl that prays then it’ll inspire me to start praying as well. Err…why not start praying before getting a wife…? I don’t understand this setting of a pre-requisite or a condition. If you know deep within yourself that a certain practice or habit or lifestyle is not the best thing for you then stop it as soon as possible. And if you’re going to delay it by setting conditions then maybe deep down you don’t really want to give it up.

43

Re: Should I accept him?

I’ve seen people change after they got married. Not because their spouse wanted them to but it was their decision to settle down and change their ways for a happier marriage.

I think you should get to know him a bit more in terms of his values, long and short term goals and really work on answering the ‘hard questions’, stating your non-negotiables and seeing if yours aligns with his.

I think for situations like these it’s important to seek advice from ones close to you but to also trust your gut. You know him better than we all do and if you feel he is someone that is understanding, supportive and someone who you can see living your life and raising your children with then you should go for it! Since I am assuming after marriage you will be moving to the UK or aboard it’s important to keep an open mind and positive outlook to be able to adjust yourself.

Good luck :slight_smile:

44

Re: Should I accept him?

If he wasn’t Muslim and Pakistani, there would be no perceived dichotomy in his behaviour.

The majority of medical students party (harder than other students) because they word hard. That doesn’t mean that they don’t take their careers very seriously by doing what they can i.e. voluntary work (which in this case seems to be just as much about getting much needed experience for the next round of applications than being purely altruistic).

The only factor which would modulate behaviour in this case is religion, since he’s not bound by Pakistani cultural norms and just seems to be like any other British guy. So what you need to consider is how religious are you and are you compatible on that level?

45

Re: Should I accept him?

You can’t expect somebody to change entirely for you, you have to meet them half way.

46

Re: Should I accept him?

I’m sorry but my main question, has he already proposed you?

Because if he’s seriously considering you for marriage, he will be making some changes in his lifestyle. He’s mature enough to know married life is different than life of a single guy. He’s surgeon ? How does he get time for all this :slight_smile:

47

Re: Should I accept him?

At the end of the day no one is the perfect partner, there will always be a flaw or an habit or something that is of dislike to the other partner.

Have you spoken to this guy about how you feel? How old are these pictures? Are they recent or uni/ collage pics? Is he still posting pictures with women and going swimming with them at this time… are you two just friends or in a relationship? Has he said that your in a relationship? As you say your sure he feels the same, has he declared to you he feels the same?

You’ve been talking to him for a year, and you obviously feel attracted to him, but you also have doubts, maybe you should tell him straight how you feel about him… what’s the worst that can happen?

You don’t want to be making “kayali pilau” while this guys only sees you as a friends…

48

Re: Should I accept him?

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49

Re: Should I accept him?

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50

Re: Should I accept him?

Yes I have had talks with him about his goals in the short and long term and they all seem sensible and admirable. I just hope he starts sobering up if we do decide to take this further. Thanks :slight_smile:

51

Re: Should I accept him?

Yes, it all really just comes down to our different cultural upbringings. I do understand how during his student years he partied, but when he does come to Pak, he fully forms to our society so it’s a strange transition that I see in him.

52

Re: Should I accept him?

He hasn’t proposed as of yet, but we have talked pretty seriously of our future together. He has promised to calm his activities down after marriage. To answer your last question, he works all day and pretty much goes out at night with his friends unless he is in night calls obviously haha

53

Re: Should I accept him?

Yes, he said not to take the pictures seriously as those are just his friends. His older ones are from uni, but he still posts regularly of his social life. I mean we are pretty much in a relationship, both sides of the family know. And we kind of unofficially are together without announcing it to society haha as I prefer to keep this private. We have talked about marriage a lot and what we expect from each other. I really appreciate your input thank you :slight_smile:

54

Re: Should I accept him?

Eastern culture is very different than western…
The things disturbing u, r not a big deal for western ppl…
So, if u hv talked abt these issues with him n he says he will change himself after marriage, then two things r confirm here
First, suppose if he says u to accept the western culture with all its boldness n how it is and to be open minded, will u change urself for him?
Of course u wont, and if u do or atleast try, u will change 50% of urself and it will never b 100%
So, Allah hidayat de de tou wo alag baat hai but marriage k baad he will change himself aur wo bhi mukammal, mushkil hai…
Second, in such cases, u both have to compromise a lot with each other, or one of you hv to compromise with the other one, and the one who will hv to compromise, will suffer a lot for sure…
I m not saying dont marry him or something against him, may b I m wrong but this is what I understood from ur posts…
Good Luck :k:

55

Re: Should I accept him?

he playa

56

Re: Should I accept him?

No, it’s not strange at all. Have you ever heard of the saying, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do”…? People do manage to make changes to adjust to the environment around them. Again, nothing weird about that.

Okay, so he attends parties. He has female friends. But by your own own admission, you also have male friends. So, what exactly is the problem? He neither smokes nor drinks. But you are concerned about his partying and his female friends but you haven’t explained exactly what bothers you. I feel that you’re being vague about it. What are you seeing in his FB pictures? Is his body language a little “too close” or too flirtatious or too intimate with the girls? Or are you worried about the type of company that he keeps in the pictures? Are the girls in the pics scantily dressed? Are the comments on his FB inappropriate? What exactly is the issue that has you so worried enough to create a thread?

You shouldn’t be so shocked that he behaves differently in Pakistan. Zaahir hai, it’s a different mahol. But the more worrying thing is that if a person believes that certain lifestyle choices are not right…then they should stop as soon as possible as opposed to setting marriage as a pre-requisite for stopping as that doesn’t quite make sense. It’s kinda like saying, “Oh I’ll stop smoking once I get a wife.” It only shows that one doesn’t really want to give it up and is looking for a way to delay it…and sometimes the behavior continues even after the pre-requiste condition has been met.

When this guy tells you that he’ll “stop after marriage”…why don’t you ask him this question: “If you believe that this lifestyle is not right due to religious reasons or whatever reason, then why wait until marriage to stop? Why is marriage a pre-requisite condition?” And then see what he says.

You can also ask him what his expectations of a wife are? What is he looking for in a partner? What his life goals are? Ask him how he handles conflicts as they are a part of every relationship. This would provide more insight into whether or not you both are compatible.

57

Re: Should I accept him?

My apologies about being vague. Yes his pictures are him very close to girls, in an incredibly flirtatious way. And because these pictures are at parties, the girls are only covering like 20% of their bodies or another example is of him in a hot tub with many other women and buying them very expensive gifts. His friends and his company seem like decent people, they are all his friends from medical school, so no funny business there. Yes, I’ve mentioned I have male friends, but I’d never do something like what he does with them. He says the reason why he doesn’t want to stop now is because he is still young, and just wants to live a little before settling down for good.
And it’s not only about his female friends. It’s also like I mentioned his spending habits.
The main quest of this thread was to get first hand experience from Pakistani women who had married a western Pakistani and how they adjusted to the surroundings.

58

Re: Should I accept him?

See…NOW…we all have a better idea about why you are concerned. If you had mentioned the detail about the hot tub earlier…then perhaps even those people who are encouraging you to marry him…would hesitate a bit.

Listen to your gut. When it’s warning you about something…pay attention. Don’t dismiss it. Just because a guy lives abroad and is in the medical profession like you doesn’t automatically make it the best rishta. Look at whether or not your moral values are compatible.

He has admitted to you that he knows fully well that his lifestyle is NOT kosher. Woh is baat ko maan’ta hai. So, if he knows that something is wrong…then he should stop right away…no? What is the sense in continuing something that your own zameer does not agree with until you get a wife? That’s like indirectly saying…I don’t feel like giving it up yet. And human nature is such that first a person says…yeh kaam ho jaye then I will stop…and then jab woh kaam ho jaata hai…then the person says…nahi bachay ho jayen to then I will stop. So, it’s a matter of neeyat…will-power…and self-control, discipline.

There are people in this world who know that they engage in habits that are not right…and then they might try to compensate for it by doing charity or sadaqa or some other good deed. And it is true that when we commit a gunnah…we should try to follow it up with a good deed…but the condition or sharth…is that gunnah or buri aadat also has to stop.

It’s admirable and commendable that he does charitable works. But that can’t be used as compensation for habits that he is currently not only unwilling to drop…but he’s also using the reason of “youth” as a way to dismiss it.

59

Re: Should I accept him?

Yes, I understand. It’s not so much me just rushing it with him, as I know plenty of male doctors here in pakistan too whose families I know very well if I wanted a rishta with them. It’s more so the fact that, and as ashamed as I am to admitting it, I just love his personality when I talk to him. I just find him really charming and perhaps that is how I’m becoming blind to all these red flags. I think I should definitely have a serious talk with him yet again.
I appreciate your help a lot :slight_smile:

60

Re: Should I accept him?

You’re like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
:slight_smile: