I’m in a bit of a dilemma, let me start from the beginning. I live in Karachi, and around 1 year ago I met this amazing guy at the gym, he’s a British Pakistani and he was visiting from the UK. We are from the same social class, as I have graduated Medicine, and he is a training Plastic Surgeon in the UK. I am 25 and he is 26. I have kept in touch with him for a year now, and he seems to be the one and I’m sure he feels the same attraction. However, I don’t know how to put this but, from his FB updates he seems very very western, his mother moved back to Pakistan when he got into uni in UK, he was born and brought up there and his mother always wanted to come back. MA we both come from respectful backgrounds, his Mother is a Doctor and his Father an Engineer, and my Father is an Engineer also. The problem is, I’m not sure if I will be compatible for his lifestyle. He has very expensive things and seems to waste a lot of his money, when I bring this up to him he says he earns to enjoy and not to worry about his money as he has more than he knows what to do with. I thought this was an extremely pretentious thing to say, however, I’ve seen how much charity and volunteering he does so I’m sure he didn’t say it in a brash way. He also parties a lot but doesn’t drink or smoke, but he has a lot of female friends, in our culture this is a very bad thing, I’m just so confused as I’ve met him a lot when he comes to pak and he seems like the most genuine guy.
Could any of you Pakistani ladies tell me how you felt if you got married to western Pakistanis? I’m really stuck as family pressure is building to get married soon.
Thank you guys for hearing my rant,
please advise.
Thank you
Yes I’ve met him multiple times, and trust me when I say this, I’ve never met a more sincere guy. However, his social media shows him partying all the time, hanging with multiple girls. Yes don’t get me wrong, I have many male friends, but I don’t meet them like he does with women. I would like some direct answers from women really who have married someone very western and how they adjusted.
It just means he has a life and he knows how to live it. The disagreement seems to be a cultural clash. And if you think you cant live with it then may be its not the right combination.
I know i’m not a girl…but it seems to me you have two issues with him…
His Party life style (which he portrays through Social Media)
His Spending habits
The second spending habits..I would ask the basic questions regarding money and marriage
What is important to each of you to spend money on? What kind of lifestyle do you ultimately want to cultivate?
Do you have any out standing loans, are you a saver or a spender?
What is his source of income and is it sustainable…?
Just because he is a sincere guy doesn’t mean you guys won’t fight about money in the future. So its important to determine this..
His party lifestyle might the image he wants to portray of himself…but if its an issue I would bring that up with him as well… “Don’t put yourself in a situation that will cause controversy”
A friend of mine would do this constantly, he was ‘religious’ but would also go out and about and put him self in situations that were “questionable”… Of course he doesn’t drink and smoke but if you’re constantly going into that area its only a matter of time peer pressure or potential “accidents” can occur…Of course that doesn’t mean they do…but people will talk and the damage might be done irregardless if you did it or not..
Thank you for this reply. I have discussed with him the questions you mentioned, he said he has a good job and good investments and he is doing good in life and in the future he would like to settle down and have a humble family, however, for now he says he is just living life to the most. To which I agreed with, but I think maybe his idea of living life is too western for me? As I’m sure he has had girlfriends and things like that which are things that make me slightly uncomfortable to talk about.
Shouldn’t be a big deal right? It’s not only that however. It’s all these things combined, he buys them expensive gifts and things like that. Often goes swimming with women (and men obviously) but for a girl like me, yes MA I’ve been brought up modern and what not, but isn’t this a little too extreme? Or is this type of thing just accepted in the western world? The main reason I posted this question was to get some experiences from women who have married someone quite western.
Hi ayesha. It seems to me that he may have a professional degree but he is still immature. Contrary to what people say, 9 out of 10 times, no guy is going to change his life style 180 degrees after marriage. It all boils down to how comfortable you feel with this, have an open and honest discussion with him.
I don’t think you should let family pressure cloud your judgement, go with your gut feeling!
Actually, the definition of what is considered “hanging out with female friends” can be considered too western in in some conservative circles.
A work type relationship is what usually is considered acceptable. But if you’re all buddy buddy with the the girl and in each others personal spaces..some people get the wrong idea..
Sigh, I understand. It’s just that whenever he is in Pakistan, he comes to do voluntary work, and I really cannot even picture him in his other life. I’ve had hour long conversations with him on this topic if he wants us to be a serious thing, he says as soon as he has stability (ie. a wife) he will settle down and stop what he does, part of me really believes him because he has never acted inappropriate with me and has been an absolute sweetheart, and his mother invites me for dinners even when he’s not in the country. I’ve spoken to a couple of his friends here in Pakistan, and they have nothing bad to say about him. I just simply cannot picture these two conflicting ideas together. It seems as if though I’ll have to continue to talk to him. And my family isn’t really pressuring me to get talking to him about marriage, they just want me to get married to whoever soon lol
Exactly my problem, it’s the latter of what you have said. He seems to be too personal with them… but then again his friends say he’s always like that, caring in a way and what not…
The good thing about social media is that you are not going into this blind. If you only saw the side he portrayed in Pakistan then you would have had quite a shock after. It would be ideal if you could talk to some of his friends in UK too, that will give you a better understanding however, not sure how he will take that. Lol As far as you not being able to imagine his life style in UK goes, I will just leave this Urdu muhawra here. “jaisa dais, waisa bhais.” Good luck.
Haha that quote might be the answer xD. But in all seriousness, he’s invited me to England to come and meet his friends and see his life before we took it further, and I had to explain to him that’s not how our culture works, he didn’t seem offended at all, he was actually surprised at how good of a cultural rule that is and commended me on sticking to it. He has always said if I’m ever in doubt of him, then please call him out on it. And his mother is pretty religious, as in not old school, but she wears a headscarf and prays 5 times a day. Thanks for your input I really do appreciate it
His mother kind of knows about his antics, as she knows a couple of his friends in England, however, because he’s never exhibited this behaviour infront of her, she probably thinks he’s perfect. But I’m not in a position to do that. ARGHHH I’m just so lost regarding this lol
Well, you should bring up those questionable pics to him and talk it out…Tell him your concerns about it..and see what his response is. Of course doing this might put a bit of strain on your relationship but its important to discuss things that might be points of contention in the future.
Well when I bring something like that up, as understanding as he is, he cannot fathom what’s wrong with those pictures from our culture’s point of view. He says he is simply just socialising and tells me not to stress about it as it’s just normal.
