listen, i am happy that u guys are happy in ur lif and leadin a Peacful lif. MashALLAH. But i have seen many shiaa-sunni merriages. And in 95% merriages, both Partners faced Probs and a "Jang" broke out between them.. Even in my family , we have seen this, even in my neighbours, a couple got separated due sect issue. I am nt a phychic, but Experience Speaks. Simple. As far as ur Relation is concerned, it is like One out of 95. Everybody is nt that lucky. Stil i think, you guys got to b careful.
You keep pulling statistics out of the air. Unless you are telling me you know 96 shia sunni marriages which broke and in your spectrum of knowledge mine is the one which is working, the 1 out of 95 has been pulled out of thin air and has no legs to stand on. That said, thanks for your prayers and good wishes. It is somewhat luck that marriage works but MOSTLY it is about commitment to the sanctity of marriage. Whether it is shia sunni, shia shia, sunni sunni, any religion any sect. ANY marriage requires a commitment to make it work and it is as simple as that. Whether your commitment wins over, or the problems win over, that is what defines your marriage at the end of the day.
And really, I believe intersect marriages NEED to happen because avoiding them is non islamic. Marriages should be about muslims, or even people of the Book as that is allowed too. NOT about sects. We need to know the difference between cultural norms and religious norms. And we need to avoid EXTREMISM in any sect/form. This applies to both Shia, Sunni and whatever you can think of.
I would also love to state that this reform can only come about when educated muslims learn to move beyond sects when considering rishtas and understand that they should make things work for the pleasure of Allah once they make a commitment, regardless of what happened in the past.
The OP's friend's mother, she really needed to forgive the father. "Forgive to be forgiven". We need to think about ourselves and our actions and lead a life for Allah. Ranting on about shia or sunni or whatever, that is all very sad and I wish people wouldn't do so.
My family has lot of shia Sunnis marriages. Alhamdulilah, all of them are happily married for years.
The key to any happy marriage be it shia Sunnis, shia shia, sunni sunni, etc is respect.
Thank you everyone for your response! **
^ I really appreciate your detailed reply. It's still shia suni issue because she says if a man bleeding comes to her home in muharam or whole in laws family then how will she survive ? **She has been following suni beliefs for her whole life, it's even hard for her or her mother to see what happens at her own home during muharam. (Though his father ,brothers doesn't do zanjeer zani but other paternal relatives do this is what I know I'm not sure though)
Her brothers are following Shia sect and they are like father is saying right and she should accept. They infact say we sent you out of home for studies and job for this day that you fall in love with someone.
Clearly it's a broken family issue yet needed to be resolved else she'll be living the same life her mother led.
They boy took stand as in the beginning his parents were making an issue of different caste but now they have accepted her whole heartily as already considering her as their DIL. The guy can only make his parents agree on her but how can do further, the guy said I'll wait no matter what but parents pressure for early marriage is there.
I really want to know where this friend lives that she can expect a man to come bleeding to her home.
Whereever she marries, if bleeding men are so common in shia, will her father never visit in muharram or her shia brothers? Or do they not bleed?
^There are plenty of Sunni/Shia marriages doing just fine, I know of a few myself.. As long as the people involved don't try and impose their views on others and respect each others beliefs there shouldn't be major problems imo
Saying maybe 1 out of 95 works out is an obvious exaggeration.. people used to say that sort of thing about mixed-race marriages as well..
.you have seen plenty of shia suni merriages doin good . Really ? Tell me more and show me one example. Ap hava ma tirr chalaa rhe han. The bigest exampl of Shia suni merriages failur is this thread.. here, hubby is trying to impose his religious decision and beliefs on that Poor girl. And sill you guys are taking sides
Good grief, the parents' marriage is over and done with. The matter at hand is the OP's situation and not the overall success rate of Shia-Sunni marriages. I don't have anything personal against Shias as I've had friends from this and other minority sects. The only thing I will say is that if one believes their religion to be the truth and is confident in it, then there shouldn't be an attitude of secrecy about it; you shouldn't be hiding it unless there is maybe like a threat to your life or something. Marriage isn't a life or death situation. So, if you are hiding your religion, then you have to do some inner reflection about your equation with your faith. Op, I don't know if you have already answered this question but are there any wise and influential elders from the family such as grandparents, aunts or uncles that can speak to your dad? Is there an open minded elder from your dad's family?
I really want to know where this friend lives that she can expect a man to come bleeding to her home.
Whereever she marries, if bleeding men are so common in shia, will her father never visit in muharram or her shia brothers? Or do they not bleed?
i just can not understand why are u after that girl ? Why are u imposing ur views on her ? She does not like bleeding men, she does nt want to marry a shia man. It is her own choice. She does nt want to go to all that Muharum Stuff. Thats it. And it is her right to take decisions of her life as Islam allows her. It is just like, she does not like Chicken, but u are insisting on her, saying, EAT IT, EAT IT, EAT IT. His father is imposing his decisions on her. Simple c bat ha. But u guys, wil never understand. Where are ur women rights slogns ? Anyhow , do nt want to talk furthr, MashALLAH, i got infraction due to this issue.
i just can not understand why are u after that girl ? Why are u imposing ur views on her ? She does not like bleeding men, she does nt want to marry a shia man, simple . His father is imposing his decisions on her. Simple c bat ha. But u guys, wil never understand. Where are ur women rights slogns ? Anyhow , do nt want to talk furthr, i got infraction due to this issue.
Question is not really about her dad being a Shia over a Sunni though. And with the bleeding men aspect, not all Shias do this so maybe you should leave this out as it can be offensive?
Her father if he was Sunni rather than Shia, might then want her to marry a Sunni. So it's more to do with his own sect, rather than WHICH sect.
Also the thing to look at here is, if the guy's family knows her father is a Shia, will they still be accepting? She can't hide this fact from them, and she cannot change the fact that her father is Shia. She needs to come to terms with it first.
Question is not really about her dad being a Shia over a Sunni though. And with the bleeding men aspect, not all Shias do this so maybe you should leave this out as it can be offensive?
Her father if he was Sunni rather than Shia, might then want her to marry a Sunni. So it's more to do with his own sect, rather than WHICH sect.
Also the thing to look at here is, if the guy's family knows her father is a Shia, will they still be accepting? She can't hide this fact from them, and she cannot change the fact that her father is Shia. She needs to come to terms with it first.
yeh, that is what i am saying. She is following sunni Islam and want to marry a sunni man. It is her life. Then why her father is imposing his extream religious views on her ? I just cant understand. That is extremism. And extremism exists in both shiaa suni sects. But in ths particular case, why his father is acting like a kid? Let her live her life...
People are saying that inter-faith marriages should be fine as long as nobody imposes their views on each other. Well, when kids come about, it can be tricky to educate them about religion if there's a conflict in beliefs. Then it's left up to the kids to decide which faith they want to follow. If both parents are not attached to their respective faiths, then they won't be offended that their children chose mommy's faith over daddy's or daddy's over mom's or that all children will automatically follow the father's religion. If both parents or even one of them is very attached to their religion, then it can create much tension. I am not saying that inter-faith marriages cannot work, but I wouldn't make it sound like they're not that hard or about as easy as marriages where both partners are of the same faith, or even that avoiding imposition on one's partner or child is an easy or simple thing. That said, I don't blame a person if they desire to marry someone who is on the same page.
Those saying that imposition should be avoided within inter-faith marriages should also transfer this "live n let live" line of belief to the OP's situation, in that there's nothing wrong if she wants to marry a Sunni like herself. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty, or wrong, or closed-minded about her decision or preference.
All that set aside, the issue really is a father daughter issue rather than anything else I believe. That father wants to choose and it is as simple as that.
But the guy is doing himself and the girl a disservice by not telling his family. If she gets what she wants inshallah and does get married, perhaps his family won't like not having known this
** **It isn't judgement it is statement of fact that her guy did not fully disclose. If help and advice is asked for as you requested in opening post, I would advise two things:
Step one: Full disclosure to guy's family as it is required for step two. Elders should be fully aware of situation so that they can decide what to do and how to do it. Only ONE thing comes to light with the guy not disclosing. He feels this will create issues with the rishta or his family will receive this information badly (god knows why). This is the only reason guy is not disclosing. At least the only logical reason given the information we have. If this is the case, then when his family does find out later, since it was the guy's thinking that it will cause issues with them, I believe such people will create issues for the now married girl. That's a bad situation for your friend innit?
Step two: The elders on the guy's side can now decide what is the best way forward in their own community and circles to make this marriage happen in a respectable manner. You and your friend need to trust that elders have seen more of the culture and know better how to approach such things. If you feel youngers know better, then by all means they should get married without this.
Say what you will about the father. One can malign him as much as anyone wants for doing what he did when he did it, but fact of the matter is, it is now a matter of here and now and today, not what happened 30 years ago. If imam masjid which she follows and they follow says it can happen without the father/wali, I guess for them it can. Issue resolved innit?
But really, I don't think that she will opt for this route no matter what.
So I believe disclosure to guy's family is warranted. Mother and father at least.
And whether or not you like my advice OP, as I said, I am coming from a shia sunni married point of view. She will alway's be a "shia man's daughter" so it is good for you and her to think upon why I am advising that his parents know all.
Advice noted, jazak Allah khair.
I don't want to argue not because I'm the weaker one but because our prophet taught us not to say on some one's religion.
And may Allah bless you and your children. Aamen
People are saying that inter-faith marriages should be fine as long as nobody imposes their views on each other. Well, when kids come about, it can be tricky to educate them about religion if there's a conflict in beliefs. Then it's left up to the kids to decide which faith they want to follow. If both parents are not attached to their respective faiths, then they won't be offended that their children chose mommy's faith over daddy's or daddy's over mom's or that all children will automatically follow the father's religion. If both parents or even one of them is very attached to their religion, then it can create much tension. I am not saying that inter-faith marriages cannot work, but I wouldn't make it sound like they're not that hard or about as easy as marriages where both partners are of the same faith, or even that avoiding imposition on one's partner or child is an easy or simple thing. That said, I don't blame a person if they desire to marry someone who is on the same page.
Those saying that imposition should be avoided within inter-faith marriages should also transfer this line of belief to the OP's situation, in that there's nothing wrong if she wants to marry a Sunni like herself. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty, or wrong, or closed-minded about her decision or preference.
You are right. It is an uphill climb especially when it comes to children which is why we need to be as close to basics of islam and be clear about those first before venturing into differences.
Advice noted, jazak Allah khair.
I don't want to argue not because I'm the weaker one but because our prophet taught us not to say on some one's religion.
And may Allah bless you and your children. Aamen
Well I am glad you do not want to argue. However your friend's ideas about "bleeding men" and "hating shias" and all that are incredibly offensive and argument worthy. I hope you guys decide to do the right thing and not hide from the guy's parents.
All that set aside, the issue really is a father daughter issue rather than anything else I believe. That father wants to choose and it is as simple as that.
I really want to know where this friend lives that she can expect a man to come bleeding to her home.
Whereever she marries, if bleeding men are so common in shia, will her father never visit in muharram or her shia brothers? Or do they not bleed?
No they don't bleed. The family where his father decided were of those who do zanjeer zani, speaks bad about sahaba and all. She knew because she raised with all those people. Anyhow, it's only about when Allah has given the right and our prophet practiced the act of asking girl's their will then one shouldn't impose.
Once again thank you for the concern and Giving the best advice.
^ this. So many irrelevant points keep coming up. Take Shia and Sunni out for one second and just keep it simple like the fact that this girl brought home a guy she worked with and her parents just disapprove because they want to decide who she will marry. It happens so often, just count the threads on GS. People would advise very differently and the choices would be simple, either accept what your father wants or simply stand up for yourself and deal with what that will mean in other aspects of your family life, ie: parents separation from not being on the same page. It's ultimately up to the girl who can decide what she is willing to sacrifice. If religion was not an aspect and she was trying to convince her parents for a guy she likes whom they did not for whatever reason people would say either listen to your dad or do own thing. She can do no nothing else but talk to her father about what she wants.
Good grief, the parents' marriage is over and done with. The matter at hand is the OP's situation and not the overall success rate of Shia-Sunni marriages. I don't have anything personal against Shias as I've had friends from this and other minority sects. The only thing I will say is that if one believes their religion to be the truth and is confident in it, then there shouldn't be an attitude of secrecy about it; you shouldn't be hiding it unless there is maybe like a threat to your life or something. Marriage isn't a life or death situation. So, if you are hiding your religion, then you have to do some inner reflection about your equation with your faith. Op, I don't know if you have already answered this question but are there any wise and influential elders from the family such as grandparents, aunts or uncles that can speak to your dad? Is there an open minded elder from your dad's family?
Yeah some of elders tried talking and to him, her father said yes he'll go and meet but later he says no.