**Hi Everyone
Posting this on behalf of my friend, she did ask this question on islamic forum 'www.zawaj.com but couldn’t get any reply. As i know people here are prompt in replies so your help will be much appreciated.
**A request that rather than judging the people involved please try to help her out as little deeds will also help us in life hereafter.
**This is what she states :
**Asalamualikum
i’m 26 years old female,my father is shia and my mum is suni,at the time of their wedding it was hidden by my dad’s side that they are shia,they had sunni nikkah and after wedding my mum came to know about it which she disliked and dislikes uptil now but because of the society she couldn’t do anything. this sect different was not much prominent uptil now as both of them never imposed so i’m practising Suni sect.
I somehow like someone and the feelings were mutual and after liking within a week the guy sent his parents to my home because we wanted a Halal relationship ,though we knew each other for a month as we were working at same place.
his family came,my dad wasn’t at home my mum and brothers met (brothers following shia sect) . my mum liked the family alot masha’Allah as they are practising Suni (alhumdulilah) . she talked to my dad as they invited us and my dad kept saying ok this week,next week. Now after 6 months we came to know that he has asked someone for Shia family which i will prefer dying but not marry as i can’t stand. (sorry i didn’t mean to speak fowl ,this is my personal liking and dislikng). He said to my brother that he will never listen to my mum regarding sunni family and will do in shia at any cost as my mum told him that she (i) strictly said that i dont want to get marry in Shia’s.
one other thing is my mum wanted to get me maary as early but my dad has always been saying she ain’t getting old and stuff and with all family pressure he is still saying NO-NO. He clearly said that he doesn’t care if i’m 50 years or 300 years i have got my own issues and i will solve those first.
Background: He has always been like this,my mum and dad doesn’t speak much,i never seen them sharing good time, always had clashes and since child i have seen him shouting.My mum is ill and has been crying since then that what will happen as she says they people(dad side) cheated us at the time of her wedding and she will not let this happen to me. my elder brother is 30,no one even asked him for marriage.
on the other side guy’s family is constantly saying that when will you come as it’s 6 months period now.
What am i suppose to do ?
i will not marry any shia at any cost.
plus i want to marry as soon as possible because i’m already in my late 26 and also want to keep this relationship hala as i don’t want to meet him even and spend time alone.
Your help will be much appreciated!
Jazak Allah khair
p.s. Istakhara has been done by his mother and i did it twice and alhumdulilah it was a good feeling.
It's a fall back of a broken marriage. There isn't a quick fix to it right now.
Knowing Desi families and egos and all bs that comes with it you can try getting some help from your grandparents, if they are alive, or wait for a miracle or just elope.
if the girl is so firm in marrying this guy and also have her mother's blessings then i think in this situation she should discuss the issue with the guy. if the guy understands her situation and is with her then i would suggest they should get the nikkah done by involving his parents and girl's mother. once the nikkah is done, i think the girl's father then can't do anything.
Its ur life , everybody should be allowed to live his/her life. I do nt know where do u live, but if u live abroad u can easily fix it. Talk to that guy and tell him about ur situation. Every Problem can be solved through Communication. Talk to him. Then u guys can go for Court merriage. Simple.
It's a fall back of a broken marriage. There isn't a quick fix to it right now.
Knowing Desi families and egos and all bs that comes with it you can try getting some help from your grandparents, if they are alive, or wait for a miracle or just elope.
Grandparents are not alive, already tried through one of uncle ,and on call( as he lives abroad) he's like yes I will go and yes I'm going but he didn't.
if the girl is so firm in marrying this guy and also have her mother's blessings then i think in this situation she should discuss the issue with the guy. if the guy understands her situation and is with her then i would suggest they should get the nikkah done by involving his parents and girl's mother. once the nikkah is done, i think the girl's father then can't do anything.
The mother is for sure with the daughter but of course not brave at heart, if she would have been that strong why did she suffer her whole life ? She has been living her whole life with that man.
I guess she has told but guy's family don't like shia and they are also like we want involvement of whole family as we're respectable in society and people will ask why girl's father is not here even he's alive and to the world of course they're not a separated couple.
Its ur life , everybody should be allowed to live his/her life. I do nt know where do u live, but if u live abroad u can easily fix it. Talk to that guy and tell him about ur situation. Every Problem can be solved through Communication. Talk to him. Then u guys can go for Court merriage. Simple. Shiaa beliefs are dangerous, as far as I know.
It's Pakistan then Punjab and then the different caste and sects and though we do raise slogan for equal rights but still its a male dominating society.
Girl’s dad is already an anxiety patient and he has got some of his business issues too and he daily takes pills (for10-15 years i guess) and before when her mother and father used to have issues he used to take his luggage and left home after abusing and threatening her and after some days back to home.
the girl is kinda afraid that her act might not destroy his mother dad’s so called relation.
she’s also afraid tha what he left home and never come back or hit her?
and her mum is like ’ es umar mai kuch aisa waisa usnay ker dya tou meri pori zindagi ki ki hoi barbad ho jaye gi.’
I'm a little confused as this seems to be less about a Shia and Sunni matter and more about an unstable home.
The girl has to 2 choices, stand up for herself and tell her father she doesn't want to marry the guy he's chosen for her or accept she can't marry the guy she likes rightnow. Why can't her brothers step in and get involved, their old enough? There seems to be a lot of resentment from her end for her father and if she is as firm that she won't marry into a Shia family 'at any cost' then that means she needs to talk to her father and deal with whatever the consequences whatever they may be. If the guys family wants to move forward they need to realize the girls father needs to be brought on board and they are still knocking on the door of a house who are divided in their beliefs so they can rush all they want, but if their so respectable they will need to wait. If this guy likes this girl as much he says he should help her through it by possibly talking to her brothers if that can help. This girls family is clearly broken and religion is being thrown out there as an excuse but it really seems to be deeper routed issues from an unstable marriage. I'm sure this girl still loves her father and brother who are Shia but she wants to marry who she wants to marry but the more Shia/Sunni is dragged into it I think it'll only create the divide more. She's not that young and says she was never forced into prancing anything she didn't want to so this shouldn't be any different and should just stand up to her father but if she can't do that then she needs to accept what her father wants for her if really believes her mothers life will be ruined by her actions, I mean its difficult but only she knows which way she can run in.
seems the whole family has been divided even before this rishta process started.
she will have to do whatever she wants on her own and from what you are saying....the guy's parents will not support him in this case unless the girl's father is fully on board.
doesn't look good.
Thank you everyone for your response!
^ I really appreciate your detailed reply. It's still shia suni issue because she says if a man bleeding comes to her home in muharam or whole in laws family then how will she survive ? She has been following suni beliefs for her whole life, it's even hard for her or her mother to see what happens at her own home during muharam. (Though his father ,brothers doesn't do zanjeer zani but other paternal relatives do this is what I know I'm not sure though)
Her brothers are following Shia sect and they are like father is saying right and she should accept. They infact say we sent you out of home for studies and job for this day that you fall in love with someone.
Clearly it's a broken family issue yet needed to be resolved else she'll be living the same life her mother led.
They boy took stand as in the beginning his parents were making an issue of different caste but now they have accepted her whole heartily as already considering her as their DIL. The guy can only make his parents agree on her but how can do further, the guy said I'll wait no matter what but parents pressure for early marriage is there.
Yes, already broken. Her dad even said I spent *** lacs on you for your higher studies , I mean parents don't say so.
She's afraid that how will his dad turn out what if he left the home then what will happen ?
Maybe just get the guy's family and the girl's family to sit down and discuss amongst each other. The dad might be creating a scene at home but maybe if he gets to know the guy's side of the family, his attitude will change. To be honest, the dad has more control in the household it seems.. I'm actually kind of surprised he allowed his daughter to practice Sunni but is now wanting her to get married to a Shia... this makes no sense to me. Is there an older adult, maybe a father figure to him, who can sumjaa him? That's honestly the only way, as I don't think running away with the guy or anything like that is appropriate. I think the mother has some resentment from her past and being lied to, and this has caused tensions in their marriage, which is now affecting their daughter's future marriage. She should help her parents resolve their own differences. Her mom can't change the fact that her husband is a Shia, so she needs to let that go now. It's been I'm guessing more than 30 years into their marriage, as their son is 30? So if they are still together... they need to sit down and resolve their problems for the sake of their daughter's future happiness. Once her parents are on the same side, only then can they mutually discuss her wedding.
Also, from the post, it seems like the girl resents her father for being Shia. But to be honest, it doesn't change the fact that he is still her father and she needs to respect him for that. Sometimes kids and parents don't share the same beliefs in some aspects of the faith, and there's nothing you can really do. Her mom decided on her own to stick through with this marriage, and have kids out of it. So she needs to be loyal now to her husband, despite their sect differences and worry about ensuring a good future for their kids.
^ this is what I personally advised her that you two families need to sit together ( because I too did love engagement and my father was also like this initially but once he met he changed his mind)
But she's like one speaks when other person is willing to listen, how can I speak when my dad switches of the call phone or locks the door or start taking sleeping pills or creating mess. It's way complicated. Plus her dad has been saying ok we'll go and meet for 6 months and now he said that first he'll resolve his own issues( some business things which he is into 10 years) he doesn't care if her daughter is 50 or 300 years old-he quoted this.
Already older relatives in family has been asking when will you marry your daughter as all her cousins are married and he in response says she wants to study and when they leave the house he says en logon nay dimagh kharab kya hai zyada shadi shadi bol k.
Mother is just way simple , her dad's whole family say that if they speak to his dad then only because of her because she's way humble. She's the only one at their home who prays and do recitation. Her dad doesn't pray doesn't fast. Her mother has only been in this relationship because no one owns a divorced womam ,no matter brother or what. Her mother's parents already passed away before she got marry and she has no way other than to keep silent.
Her dad never wanted a daughter, he has never been happy infact the time her mother conceived after the birth of jer her daughter her husband said abort the baby because he was afraid that it's daughter once again but some of his relative said that it's equal to murder so he didn't but he was constantly saying that he'll not keep if it's daughter so the girls mamu said I'll keep if it's daughter so you guys might feel how he is.
I don't know what she feels about her father ,does she love or not but this is what had happened with her mother/her.
She needs to stand up to her father. He cannot force her to marry a man she doesn't want to get married to, Shia or Sunni. She needs to be firm about her decisions
^ this is what I personally advised her that you two families need to sit together ( because I too did love engagement and my father was also like this initially but once he met he changed his mind)
But she's like one speaks when other person is willing to listen, how can I speak when my dad switches of the call phone or locks the door or start taking sleeping pills or creating mess. It's way complicated. Plus her dad has been saying ok we'll go and meet for 6 months and now he said that first he'll resolve his own issues( some business things which he is into 10 years) he doesn't care if her daughter is 50 or 300 years old-he quoted this.
Already older relatives in family has been asking when will you marry your daughter as all her cousins are married and he in response says she wants to study and when they leave the house he says en logon nay dimagh kharab kya hai zyada shadi shadi bol k.
Mother is just way simple , her dad's whole family say that if they speak to his dad then only because of her because she's way humble. She's the only one at their home who prays and do recitation. Her dad doesn't pray doesn't fast. Her mother has only been in this relationship because no one owns a divorced womam ,no matter brother or what. Her mother's parents already passed away before she got marry and she has no way other than to keep silent.
Her dad never wanted a daughter, he has never been happy infact the time her mother conceived after the birth of jer her daughter her husband said abort the baby because he was afraid that it's daughter once again but some of his relative said that it's equal to murder so he didn't but he was constantly saying that he'll not keep if it's daughter so the girls mamu said I'll keep if it's daughter so you guys might feel how he is.
I don't know what she feels about her father ,does she love or not but this is what had happened with her mother/her.
Kind of a hard situation to be in. I've never really seen a father that wasn't concerned if his daughter was just getting older at home and not married off.. it's always something that's there in the back of a parent's mind. But I'm guessing they don't have a close relationship. What about her brothers? Surely there's an uncle or someone in her life who can reason with him?
Maybe she should just let her brothers and mom know that guy's side is coming over and "surprise" her dad? If he's avoiding the idea of them coming over, then that's all I can really think of, but there's just no way of knowing if he will get angry by their surprise visit or if he will come around.. it's risky but she should maybe talk it over with her mom or siblings.
If her mother likes the guy and his family, then she needs to sit down with him and talk seriously. Her dad shouldn't be ruining a perfectly good rishta for her, unless he has some concerns? She needs to be firm and sit both her parents down and talk to them. That's the only way.
I would just LOVE to state that this is RIDICULOUS talk from any practicing educated muslim. "Hating" shia. I have a shia-sunni marriage and believe me, this has NEVER entered into any spectrum of problems. I feel that people who make this an issue should be ashamed.
But coming to advice, the dad will NEVER listen. It seems very solid and it is hard to change older people's minds. So if she wants to go the "respectable" route, she should listen to her parents. This "love" interest which makes your friend want to marry here, well if the love is so strong, they should be fine without her dad. But I imagine the love isn't strong enough to overcome society or what people will say, so better is to leave it.
I would just LOVE to state that this is RIDICULOUS talk from any practicing educated muslim. "Hating" shia. I have a shia-sunni marriage and believe me, this has NEVER entered into any spectrum of problems. I feel that people who make this an issue should be ashamed.
It's not about hating any particular sect, it's more than lying and ill speech. In the whole scenario it's not mentioned that his dad this because he was shia ? It's more like everyone has right to live a free life .
Even prophet Muhammed (saw) said deen mai jabar aur zabardasti nahi.
At the time of her dad's marriage they hid their sect because they were afraid. It was a lie ,she's talking about this that her mum was unaware so she got married but how can with knowing someone's belief she can say yes.
Don't drag it into a shia suni fight please.