Shia father and suni mother

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Shia father and suni mother

If he will NEVER then why didn't he find a spouse of SAME sect in a arrange marriage ,at that time where did the religious factor go?
The guy loved her not the whole family, the guy sent the family within a week means he did something.
Forcing someone for marriage,lying and hiding sect was a "respectable" thing I never knew btw.

22

Re: Shia father and suni mother

The only way left.

23

Re: Shia father and suni mother

Just as one shouldn't judge a religion by its followers rather its teachings, same applies here. the dad isn't a prime example of shi'sm as such but then again, some people believe nasl is by fathers. God knows his reasons for marrying the mother. God knows who is lying in that situation. But arguing about what her dad did or didn't do won't solve neither the universal shia sunni issue, nor this girl's love drama.

As I said, if her love interest loves her so much, set aside the respectability and do what they want. Dad won't agree. I am judging from his attitude.

24

Re: Shia father and suni mother

I agree she needs to stand up to the father. But at the same time know the guy and his family will stand up for her.

Unfortunately, when it comes to personal matters people believe in double standards :( What they do for themselves they don't allow others.

If you are living in the West you could say things could be worse. At least she likes someone of same background and values. Such matches can be hard to find. Maybe he father can be convinced that way? Or if in Pakistan the father can be convinced that there are other lesser accepted sects which could have been worse according to them.

Ok i read about the father and the fact that he thought his daughter should be aborted is just wrong.. Then why worry about who she is marrying? According to him she shouldn't even be alive.
Also the Sunni-Shia dislike is also wrong as pointed out by others. Main things is you're both Muslims.

Is there an elder person in the family or a religious scholar who the father respects who can convince the father?
Or maybe a meeting can be had between the brothers and the boy. Or the father and the boy. They can get to know him without knowing he is Sunni and then they might get impressed and not worry about those differences. I would try to convince the brothers. They must also be concerned about their api's happiness as all brothers are. Maybe they have some initial concerns but when they talk to the boy and his family they will be convinced. They are of younger generation and less set in their ways and may be easier to convince them.

25

Re: Shia father and suni mother

Is the guy's family aware of her father's stance on this marriage?
I don't know if they would be willing to go through with it if they knew he wasn't.

26

Re: Shia father and suni mother

I think they are somewhat aware and the guy is willing to wait. Does the Shia-Sunni divide and does it differ among countries?

I think if the parents were aware there could be other "less societally accepted" combinations they would come around. If they have similar degree of religiosity and they're on the same wavelength that should be most important

27

Shia father and suni mother

Op, that's exactly what I mentioned that this is less about Shia or Sunni and more about a broken family unit but you corrected me and said it was about religion as well. I'm not sure about the bleeding thing and assume you are talking about someone showing up to her house bleeding from zanjeer matham? I am not understanding that statement and how it relates but I also don't understand how her parents marriage and how they were married has anything to do with giving this girl proper advice about her dilemma. Why are we talking about what her father did? A lot of people are living in mixed marriages and it happens in a lot when your trying to raise kids together, I know people who have a very strong marriages and the children are divided in their beliefs where some travel with dad to his masjid and some go to their mothers masjid but the family is happy and functioning normally. Only this girl can ask her father why he did what he did and if she needs the answers so bad then she needs to seek it from the him. Not sure how asking gupshupers about a fathers actions will solve anything for you. This is so common, kids have their own plans and parents have their own so the only way to find common ground is communicate and I am a little surprised this girl is more concerned with old wounds, it's been 30 some odd years and she has siblings, shouldn't she try to help her parents find some peace? I mean she's clearly angry with her father so communicate?

28

Re: Shia father and suni mother

Certainly we are not here to discuss what happened 30-35 years ago but that's all she told me and all I knew, the first post I copy pasted her words .
Sect was never an issue in whole life, her dad used to take brothers to majaalis so they opted to be shia because this is what they saw since childhood and she used to be with her mum. She's more disheartened at the fact that his dad said who cares if his daughter and wife someone of their own belief I'll do what I want. She just says she doesn't want to spend her whole life as her mum did, sacrificing and all. The point of telling dad's story was that at the time of his wedding they hid it but now he's trying to do the same forcefully marriage of her daughter, she doesn't want history to repeat itself. She's says she has her own school of thought and religion is the most important, one is free to choose it then why it's happening? Forget these 2 muslim sects just think what if ot would have been 2 religions ?
Brothers are as rigid as dad is, one says it's all her issue and he won't speak and the other one says that let dad decide.
The senior family member said him to go and at least meet the family and he said he will go but now after 6 months he turned out like this.

She never had any kind of good or bad relationship with his father, if her dad likes he talks otherwise they all are living like strangers at one place. She's being reluctant talking to her dad.
Istakhara giving good feeling is a good thing and we should see that.
Her dad has been denying everyone like this for 6 years, she had the best purposals masha'Allah one could have and before this love thingy she has been saying yes to those too but he never thought to marry her.

29

Re: Shia father and suni mother

Alot of families after coming to know that dad and mum have different sects also excused from rishta.

The guy knows all the facts but not the family and he decided not to tell this to his family.

30

Re: Shia father and suni mother

there will b issues when ur kids grow up.

31

Re: Shia father and suni mother

^How do you know, are you psychic?

32

Re: Shia father and suni mother

:) No there won't. My kids and my husband's. We decide if we let there be problems. At least as far as this MINOR issue is concerned. If there aren't issues now there won't be later. Yes as Deeba pointed out, you are not psychic nor are you aware of how our marriage and our setup functions. Don't presume.

Sure perhaps somewhere along the line someone ELSE might say about my children "O I don't want to marry you cos your parents are mixed sect and perhaps you are this or that." My kids are better off not living with such jaahil people.

I know at the time of marriage I will also just focus on the fact that someone is Muslim and how much of a PRACTICING Muslim, rather than Muslim by name and I don't care if that Muslim comes from my husband's sect or mine. I will however teach my children what I believe is good in my sect, I even tell my husband that and he agrees with me.

You need to understand that when we are taught that Islam is about moderation, we should actually think about and act on that. Not go to extremes which are present in both sects of shia and sunni.

33

Re: Shia father and suni mother

Well in essence the guy is sort of like her father. Full disclosure isn't offered to his family either, on his own thinking. Just as full disclosure wasn't offered to the mum's family. Sure there is some difference but this is an interesting point. :)

For the sake of argument of course.

34

Re: Shia father and suni mother

Take out the Shia/sunni part and this becomes just like any other situation about a broken home.........the sects really don't make a difference here

35

Re: Shia father and suni mother

The REQUEST in the beginning was for people like you . Read it over please. :-)

And for your argument thingy which you like rather than helping someone, I'll say atleast he the guy is not like her dad who did HIDE from her mother about the sect if he was so full of shiaism.
He clearly told his sect and so did the girl, they opted the best way by telling the parents not like hiding.
It was never a shia suni discussion, it has been mentioned several times that islam is giving the freedom of choice, one must ask an adult for his personal likings and disliking , wali/guardian should be there at the time of nikah but in this condition after talking to imam masjid and with the presence of girl's mother this is permissible.
I don't know how your religion beliefs are but this is what she has been told by imam masjid today.

36

Re: Shia father and suni mother

You may say.
But here her father said shia is not a choice it's a must.

37

Re: Shia father and suni mother

listen, i am happy that u guys are happy in ur lif and leadin a Peacful lif. MashALLAH. But i have seen many shiaa-sunni merriages. And in 95% merriages, both Partners faced Probs and a "Jang" broke out between them.. Even in my family , we have seen this, even in my neighbours, a couple got separated due sect issue. I am nt a phychic, but Experience Speaks. Simple. As far as ur Relation is concerned, it is like One out of 95. Everybody is nt that lucky. Stil i think, you guys got to b careful.

38

Re: Shia father and suni mother

Read, post number 37

39

Re: Shia father and suni mother

^There are plenty of Sunni/Shia marriages doing just fine, I know of a few myself.. As long as the people involved don't try and impose their views on others and respect each others beliefs there shouldn't be major problems imo

Saying maybe 1 out of 95 works out is an obvious exaggeration.. people used to say that sort of thing about mixed-race marriages as well..

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Re: Shia father and suni mother

**
[QUOTE]

A request that rather than judging the people involved please try to help her out as little deeds will also help us in life hereafter.

[/QUOTE]
**It isn't judgement it is statement of fact that her guy did not fully disclose. If help and advice is asked for as you requested in opening post, I would advise two things:

Step one: Full disclosure to guy's family as it is required for step two. Elders should be fully aware of situation so that they can decide what to do and how to do it. Only ONE thing comes to light with the guy not disclosing. He feels this will create issues with the rishta or his family will receive this information badly (god knows why). This is the only reason guy is not disclosing. At least the only logical reason given the information we have. If this is the case, then when his family does find out later, since it was the guy's thinking that it will cause issues with them, I believe such people will create issues for the now married girl. That's a bad situation for your friend innit?

Step two: The elders on the guy's side can now decide what is the best way forward in their own community and circles to make this marriage happen in a respectable manner. You and your friend need to trust that elders have seen more of the culture and know better how to approach such things. If you feel youngers know better, then by all means they should get married without this.

Say what you will about the father. One can malign him as much as anyone wants for doing what he did when he did it, but fact of the matter is, it is now a matter of here and now and today, not what happened 30 years ago. If imam masjid which she follows and they follow says it can happen without the father/wali, I guess for them it can. Issue resolved innit?

But really, I don't think that she will opt for this route no matter what.

So I believe disclosure to guy's family is warranted. Mother and father at least.

And whether or not you like my advice OP, as I said, I am coming from a shia sunni married point of view. She will alway's be a "shia man's daughter" so it is good for you and her to think upon why I am advising that his parents know all.