My advice is to prepare yourself financially first, weigh your options, consult with an attorney and then carefully make your first move.
You should leave him but its easier said than done. Before you do that, you have to make sure your ducks are in a row.
Dont make any sudden moves and get legal advice before you do.
so you're saying she should gather herself emotionally first right b/c all this is so hard probably separating from a man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with and didn't expect him to be violent or any of the things she mentioned but her going through all that she's gone through with him, it must have been very traumatizing for her, how do women recoup from all that? consulting an attorney is such a major step
if there are any lawyers on GS it would help to know what the OP would expect to happen once she takes that step.
she hasn't even said whether her family is supportive of her or not. that's a major issue when a desi woman considers leaving an abusive marriage on her own, if she doesn't have any other emotional support. hoping she's educated and capable of finding a job to support herself.
I think that you should do your own investigation. Don't rely on anybody's news. You are hurt it is obvious however, do not rush into divorce scene. Because if the things didn't turn out to be what you thought, your zameer will never forgive you. Who ever you are, you know your husband very well then all of us who are giving our opinions. Take your time to do investigation and then come to conclusion. Until then, i pray sincerely and heartily that your problems and issues are resolved. Ameen.
so you're saying she should gather herself emotionally first right b/c all this is so hard probably separating from a man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with and didn't expect him to be violent or any of the things she mentioned but her going through all that she's gone through with him, it must have been very traumatizing for her, how do women recoup from all that? consulting an attorney is such a major step
if there are any lawyers on GS it would help to know what the OP would expect to happen once she takes that step.
she hasn't even said whether her family is supportive of her or not. that's a major issue when a desi woman considers leaving an abusive marriage on her own, if she doesn't have any other emotional support. hoping she's educated and capable of finding a job to support herself.
Right.
Talking about leaving and actually doing it are two very different things. Once you leave, you feel an emptiness inside you and you wonder constantly if you did the right thing. Your home is going down in flames - how could it be right? But you have to remember how you felt when you were in that situation and how desperately you wanted to get out. Otherwise you will keep going back.
OP needs to take a step BUT she has to prepare herself first. She needs her family, good legal advice, will power and a plan.
When a woman is going through a physical abuse then there is no reason for staying and here you have another major problem that is cheating which you are not sure of. But if he is not cheating then still he is abusing you physically. What i have heard about this "agar mard ka eik bar haath uth jaye tu woh kabhi rukta nahin hai".
So you must sort this out with your husband that you can't bear physical torture anymore. Consult with any good attorney if you want divorce.
If you don't have kids then in this situation it is blessing for you. Because if you had children then it would be difficult not only for you but for your children. If you want to try to keep this relationship more and want to give him more chances then make sure that you don't have babies until or unless you are sure that your husband has changed totally.
What happens if there's no trust anymore in marriage? Is it worth it to stay together, even if he cheated you? What impact will it have for children in such circumstances?
But at the same time: divorce isn't just a little decision. You might regret it later.
Hi Guys, I have been on holiday and just come back and read all these messages. The support from family and friends has been overwhelming and so has the support from you guys. Thank you for sharing your views, thoughts and expressing your opinions.
It took him two days to admit to the affair back in October. I was off work for six weeks with stress, unable to brush my teeth, comb my hair, eat, get out of bed etc. He carried on as normal. We went to a health clinic and I cried non stop because he was the only guy I'd ever slept with and I never thought I'd end up sitting in a clinic waiting to get tested for an STD. He had chlamidya and she says she had two miscarriages (don't know if she's telling the truth). He built up a relationship with her three year old son. I am convinced they were doing drugs together. I've seen her picture and she looks like she is on drugs and is an unattractive chav. I don't know what he saw in her! I spoke to her on the phone and it broke my heart to hear what she said because she went into detail about what they did together. He is refusing to sign the house over to me and has stopped paying the mortgage. He has also left me paying his credit cards. Is this what you get for being a loyal, faithful, caring and lovng wife? Is this what you get for respecting your in laws and their family name even when they treat you like dirt? I would love to know why I am the one who is suffering when I did nothing wrong and tried to stay on the right path in life and valued marriage with all my heart.
Drug addictions bring out the worst in people ... they will do anything to get their fix. Even cheat and lie. If you are the type that wants to do others a good turn then help him recover and get back to health.
Then leave him.
You don't want it on your conscious that you left a person who needed you, but at the same time don't spend too long trying to rehabilitate him that you stop leading your own life.
Yes, try your hardest to get him back on his feet even if it means locking him up so he can go through cold turkey ... then leave him.
Whether or not you decide to divorce him, you need to protect your health and financial interests.
Good for you for going to a clinic and being checked out. The most important thing is taking control of your health and well-being.
With respect to your financial interest, I don't know what the divorce and property laws are in the UK. In an ideal situation your husband would either sign over the house to you or you would receive it in a separation agreement. Odds are this is not the case and he is also entitled to a share of the home. What you need to do is contact the bank that holds the mortgage and ensure that your husband cannot sell or take out further debt against the home.
As for credit cards, if the credit cards are in joint name, again do the same as with the house - cut off the credit and notify credit agencies so that he is prevented from opening up other accounts in your joint name.
With respect to repayment of mortgage and credit cards, your failure to repay credit companies damages your own credit as well. Your best bet is to continue paying or better yet, negotiate with the credit companies for lower repayment terms.
I would hire a lawyer and enter into a formal separation agreement that sets out the division of assets. If this is agreed upon or ordered by the court, then you can separate your debt from his insofar as possibly selling joint assets, paying off joint debt and then have a clean slate to start with.
One of my aunts is married to a guy who used to have a drug addiction. The problem lasted for years....and it was more difficult for her because she has several kids to take care of. Because he didn't work...she had to depend upon family members for money, which is embarrassing. It's big-hearted to try and help someone overcome their addiction..........but it's not easy. I think it's better to just leave him.
Sehrysh, i can tell you’re an incredible lawyer, thanks for laying out such detailed info for the OP, you’re awesome! :k: would divorce laws be different where she lives though or is this pretty standard procedure?
Thank you Nisha :sid: But, like I’ve said before, while I’ve studied law, I’ve never practiced a day in my life.
With respect to your question, are divorce procedures standard, no they’re not. Each jurisdiction (country, state, province) may have procedural and case law distinctions in how such separation/divorce matters are handled and what each person’s entitlement and liabilities are in the event of a separation or divorce. This is why the OP should first consult with a lawyer who specializes in divorce or family law to see how she can protect her interests. A lawyer can best advise her on what she needs to do.
One more thing! If the couple has joint accounts/investments - notify your bank right away of an impending separation! Generally, if the assets are held in joint name, either party can withdraw all of the assets without permission of the other party. If the OP chooses to not take out the money in the accounts (which given the grief her husband is causing, I would suggest she do) and she wants to restrict access to the same accounts for her husband, let the bank know that the couple is separating/divorcing and the bank may put a freeze on the account. This is tricky for banks, any freezes are temporary and then they seek direction from a court or signed agreement from both parties on how to disburse the assets.
Man ur in a tough spot --- is liye keh thay hai k pyaaar vyaar k chakhar mein par na hi nahi chahiye...wow...man...i hope everything works out for u....If he really loved u and u meant something to him he'd come back for u....Har cheez mein Allah Miyan k marzi shamil ho thi hai....maybe it wasnt meant to be...u should get ur mind off ur relationship as hard as it is and start doing something for yourself...pick up old hobbies you never cared much for and find new things that interest you....Parents know best...I say discuss with your parents and let them talk to your husbands parents and figure it out...but do u honestly want to spend the rest of ur life with a guy who doesnt even love you and betrayed your trust?
Thank you everyone. I have decided to leave him once and for all. The effect this has all had on me psychologically is indescribable. The credit cards were in his name but i stupidly took a loan out to pay them off! I'm hoping I will have enough evidence against him in court to get the house. He is so heartless he has told me to just deal with what he has done and says he will move on with or without me.
she never came back after starting the thread :hinna: