Seriousness of a Bad Action

Lifestyle Relationships
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She has to pick and choose what's most important to her. Sure having a car would be great - but then as a couple it would push back their ability to buy a home of their own. We both know that having two cars in a single income family and saving up to buy a house is not easy. I'm suggesting she needs to pick and choose her battles. Car or moving out sooner.

Should najeeb buy her a car just because she wants one (it's not a necessity) even it they can't afford it?

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So who does the rest of the chores in the house? That is, laundry, dishes, cleaning, grocery shopping etc?

The way you mentioned what she does is so dismissive! Are you home during the daytime Najeeb? Because you know exactly when she wakes up and exactly what she does during the day. Because the part of your post that I have quoted and the manner in which you have mentioned many other things about your wife sound very much like something a woman would say. So either your mama is bharring your kaan or you are a very effeminate male.

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I'm amazed that this woman can walk out of the house at 1:30 a.m. b/c she's miserable (note: from what we've been told, she wasn't in any physical danger). Yet she can't get out of the house during the day to find a job or even volunteer somewhere in order to escape her "misery".

Najeeb: When are her parents returning from Pakistan?

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Firstly I am no angel and everybody has faults and I am sure I have many.

I know what time she wakes up as she texts me when she has just woken up and it is around 11am. On the day I work from home it is the same time or later.

Laundry is done on Sundays and then dried at the launderette by me or the wife. Groceries are normally done on an evening during the week when i come home, a handful of times she has been to town during the day and bought grocery home but the main part we go together. Obviously she must clean the dishes after eating?

In the evening when I come home I attempt to help her in the kitchen and aid with the dishes, sometimes she lets me and sometimes she does not.

Although recently, before she left we agreed that shopping would be done on Sunday with the washing of clothes as none of us could be bothered going in the evening especially after work for me.

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They are returning in a month.

I would never lay a hand on anyone and my wife knows that. I actually wanted to sleep in the other room.

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Here's the thing Najeeb, and I hate to sound like the devil's advocate here, but it's painfully obvious that your wife is out if sorts. Does she just want you to herself, without any glimpse of any of your family anywhere? Even than, who knows if she'd be happy. And that is not reasonable or fair to you. Sometimes, for whatever reason, people just are not compatible. I don't know that there is anything you can really do or say to appease her at this point because she just does not sound like she emotionally invested in the marriage.

:(

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Re: Seriousness of a Bad Action

so she cooks, cleans and does other household chores. Pretty much she fulfills the duties expected of a stay at home wife. She doesn't demand any gifts or jewelery. She asks that you spend time with her and one of her previous complaints has been that you appreciate her and spend time with her. I am not surprised that she feels underappreciated, since, I will repeat myself here, you are mentioning everything she does in a very dismissive manner.

The only problem I see is that she seems a bit anti-social. She doesn't spend time with your mom or your siblings. Maybe they are not her type? Maybe she doesn't feel that they respect her. Maybe she knows you guys are talking behind her back?

I don't know what her deal is. My theory is that she is severely depressed and in regular desi fashion she is being labeled as a horrible wife and bahu instead of getting her some help.

I am also failing to understand the point of this thread. You are upset that she doesn't feel regret over walking out of the house at 130 am. Would you like us to devise a punishment or tell you a way where this can be prevented in the future?

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I dont know man, all of this sounds so one sided to me. "&Passionate" is hitting the points well and I am thinking a lot of the same things. Just by reading the quote above, where is your appreciation for all of those things? To me that still sounds like normal function, it doesn't sound like all she does it sit home and "sulk" 24/7 by any means.

Najeeb, how can you be SO CLUELESS as to what your wife wants? If you are SO READY and willing to fix this relationship and on here asking for advice as to how to do so, are you REALLY doing everything in your power to make things better with her? Granted, she has annoying quirks to her personality, but a girl walking out of her home at 1:30 AM angry, to me is SCREAMING for attention. That screams being fed up, tired, and a move to prove how unhappy she is in the situation. She wants something from you and you are NOT CONSISTENTLY providing that for her. You guys are newly weds and granted you have a family to also take care of but have you tried taking some time out for YOURSELVES, away from mom and sister and all the drama? Your posts come off as you being so "calm and collected and understanding" your best to do this and that, but at the same time all of the same complaints remain, "she doesn't do this or that, wakes up late etc" when you've just listed everything she does, a break down of your routine and its kind of apparent that she is still contributing to your house hold with the dishes and laundry, grocery shopping etc as a normal household operates but you are passing it off as her obligation. I hear lack of appreciation for any of it from your end. You've dismissed everything she does, even in her state of mind, by "obviously she does the dishes?"... thats not something to be THAT passive about. For someone who is actually in a deep depression, yes getting out of bed is a really hard thing to do. Ask me, as I have seen my mother go through it. Depression is NOT something to be taken lightly, but yet this girl is still somewhat functioning in a normal manner by doing everything you have just pointed out?? Where is your appreciation for any of it? All of those things are still gestures on her part of trying to be normal.

Solution for the car issue:
If you can't afford a second car but have offered to give her yours and your willing to take the bus, then have you tried LEAVING the car home for her to use? Why not adapt the bus into your commute in stead of "Ive told her I'll take the bus" why not just do it and leave the car at home so she doesn't complain that she can't go anywhere because she doesn't have a car? Wouldn't that be the sensible thing? If taking the bus is AS EASY and you are THAT WILLING to do it as much as you have claimed, then what are you waiting for? JUST DO IT. Stop taking the car, leave it at home and baath katham. She has the car for her at home anytime she needs and think of it as if it is her car. (If you really care to solve that issue as much as you claim.) Thats what my husband did, because I also had that issue after getting married, and let me tell you for someone who is used to independence, there is nothing more depressing than feeling like you are trapped because you don't have a car! NOTHING more depressing. EVEN if she doesn't work, everyone needs their sense of freedom. If you feel that you can't compromise on your car because its going to make it difficult for you to commute, than there is no way you are as understanding as you seem to come off because you would also feel her pain as its the SAME THING.

I mean do you understand what I am trying to get at? If you IN YOUR HEART know you have done everything to try and make this girl happy, and she is still not happy, then why are you keeping her there? No one can be this naive as you seem to be, so confused about your own situation. Mana, that you are telling the truth, I am not saying your lying Najeeb, but have you REALLY done everything in your power to make this girl happy? I have never heard you ONCE say, she at least does this or that... look at the way you worded this "obviously she does the dishes?" Yes, thats an obvious thing, but its still something? I know a lot of girls who don't move a finger najeeb.

I am also amazed that you have blatantly stated, she is NOT looking for material things!! Then brother that also screams to me, she wants more of your attention!! Are you REALLY providing that for her??? AND no, najeeb, sitting at home with her and your mom, is NOT REALLY spending time with her. And I have to agree with her on that. You guys need your OWN ALONE time. And it seems thats best if its out of the house for you two to be able to focus on yourselves man. The only way I can read into all of this, if you are REALLY that confused, than you don't seem to be as understanding to her. I think your lacking compassion for her. Maybe you are so fed up with her behaviour that you dont want to deal with her crap. If shes not asking for material things, if all she does is stay in her room and stay depressed, than why are you keeping her in a situation where no one is happy?

I think no one here can give you the "right" advice. If you are as willing to do whatever it takes for this relationship, then are you doing it? And if you ARE doing it to no avail, then how long will you allow this to go on? Do you want this environment for your home forever? I imagine no, so what do you want of out this relationship? the issue to me doesnt seem to be because she has a problem with your mom and family (thats only part of it), the first issue that is obvious is your in a dysfunctional marriage, and you don't (or dont really want to) understand this girl and are putting a lot of the blame solely on her "not taking up early" in the mornings and all of those petty things. Aside from providing a roof over head, what have YOU done for?

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^ yup. kuyi bhi itna bewakhoof ho saktha hain? agar itna bewakhoof hota, then he would of left mama's house long ago due to wife's demands but thats clearly not the case, he clearly knows how to stand up for himself and his family members. i feel like theres a lot of kaan bharwana going on here.

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I did not mean to post it in a dismissive manner.

I am grateful for what she does and I DO mention it to her and I compliment her, especially with her food and clothes. Get her to dress up and take her shopping and 'force' her to buy something because she does not like to shop as much.

Homestly speaking I do not know how much more time I can spend with except for what I do spend with her, that is the problem. I am physically exhausted during the week but I do try here and there. On the weekends I try to go anywhere, she is not that fussed but I ensure we go out as to be honest I need it after working the whole week.

I mentioned getaways to her but she was not interested because it was too cold, i mentioned other places we could go but she said to leave until early next year. Still managed to book her into a spa.

The problem is that she is NOT clear in what she wants and I cannot get that out of her. She has mentioned appreciation and I do that although she does not agree to my forms of appreciation (verbal/gifts/flowers/going out/treats) AND will not mention how she wants to be appreciated but yet because of this she will stay upstairs and not come down for two days and at the same time will say that I am creating a distance between us?

I listen to her and try and try again to understand what she is trying to say and sincerely if its something i need to change about my self i would. I used to be at work during the evenings too but since marriage i ensure i spend all the evenings with my wife, sometimes mother is there and sometimes she is not

Do not get me wrong but I could state the same to my wife regarding appreciating what I do but I do not, i suppose i just get on with what i believe i should be doing and trying to understand what she wants to cater for her needs.

I am here for advice on what I can do if there is a possibility of rectifying the situation.

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The insurance for the car started in mid December. At this point she did not want to drive the car and because she has not driven since she passed which was around 7 years ago i put P stickers in the car, ready for when she wants to start 'learning' again. I had been off work for the whole of that period whilst the weather was worse for wear and before I could sit with her and help her and leave the car she had already left the house to go back to her parents. I couldn't wait to get her to start driving as I hate it, despise it. I would rather have her driving and I can sit and relax. I had many problems that I did not bother to fix with the car but I ensured that before the insurance started these were all fixed as we know women complain a lot regarding the minor car issues.

The issue is that she will sulk and speak about appreciation. We will get over the conversation and everything will be normal for the next couple of days and then there will be another episode and she will sulk for another full day and this time it will be something completely different. Now do not get me wrong I am prepared to put whatever I have left in this marriage but at least cut me some slack with how much i do already. The amount of times I have mentioned that please whatever the issue just talk to me about it normally, like you would do but it always starts with waking up and not talking to me for the whole day and then at night speaking about the issue. Why waste that time and I even mention it and she acknowledges that it was wrong but then the same again. For example we had a discussion once and making breakfast for your husband was mentioned but she basically said Islamically I don't need to, I will be honest and I said I do not agree that Islam should be in this conversation but if that is what you want to do then what can i say and i left it. It works both ways.

Because when I speak to her she states she is happy then we have an episode and when it is over we are back to normal again.

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hmmmmm but what are you trying to rectify najeeb? thats what i am confused about? the situation or her behavior? if she is THAT unclear of what she wants and is dragging you along in her misery, then why not tell her to take some time to go home to her family? if you have exhausted all options from your end? have you told her that you are only willing to go thus far before you reach your limits on what it is you can do to make her happy?

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She walked out and is currently with her family. I want to get to the root of her behavioural issues and what exactly she wants. As I ask her A LOT and she never gives a straight answer, it is as though she will sulk and mention something but will not go into enough detail or will not give an example.

Trust me I want to make my wife happy and I will adapt BUT she needs to understand that it works both ways and certain types of behaviour nobody can tolerate and there is a limit and I have mentioned this but each time episode she will go a step further in doing wrong.

A lot of the times I do feel i seem to put all the effort in and I am exhausted. I just do not see that seriousness in her at times and as though she is creating an issue rather than there being one but yet I still sit there and listen and ask questions but even when I ask questions she does not like it, feels as though i am going against her in some way. All I want is to udnerstand. I never shout or belittle or swear, heating arguments just do not happen with me, try to sit and listen attentively and have been doing that from the start but it's just one thing after another at times. I will go to work and she will text me a sort of miserable sounding text, it will put me off for the day and then i will come home and she is normal, when i ask what it was, it was nothing. The same thing again the next day.

I just feel as though if she was occupied with a job then there wouldn't be time for her to have issues and I have mentioned work but even though verbally she agrees in terms of action there is no movement. Me being syupid me I leave it as I don't want to be pushy.

I don't know.

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hmmmm why not sit down with her (or even on your own) and just put in a couple of applications for her yourself? i know its annoying to have to worry about one more thing, but if she were to start getting calls for interviews, wouldn't that be a step in the right direction? and for example, if she got called and didnt go...that would definitely be the irresponsibility on her part because it would be one thing you could tell yourself, that you tried and she did not budge. do you know what i mean? i know your exhausted, i can understand one person putting in the effort is frustrating. but i think a lot of the advice any of us can offer you will be limited to what you should do. no one knows whats shes thinking.

second. have you gone to her parents home and sat down and talked with her and her family about a lot of the problems going on? have you spoken to her parents about your wishes and her detrimental behavior? like an intervention but in HER comfort zone which seems to be with her family. if you feel like you have really done right by her but nothing is working, than you shouldnt be hesitant about going to her family in my opinion and sitting down with them about this issue.

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If i were to find jobs and fill applications for her she would probably throw a tantrum that I think she is lazy and needs a job, she will assume the worst. Essentially what you're stating is to at least go one step further in getting something out of her for my own sake so that at least I know deep within that I tried everything.

Last time she mentioned that she has nothing to do for most of the day and I stated to look for a job but the next time I asked she was always busy.

She has left and gone home to her family's house, the siblings are there but parents are abroad for a few more weeks so I just need to wait and then visit, probably with a list of issues to go through and how to resolve and come to an understanding, if possible at all, whether she believes them to be issues or normality.

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oh right, i missed the part about her being gone. how long is she gone for? when is she coming back? have you guys been talking?
i guess at this point you should evaluate everything and wait till her parents get back so you can sit down with them and talk through it with them. not involving anyone else except for you and her family (and i am referring to your family to not be involved. they should actually be left out completely nor told because this is ONLY about you and your marriage at this point and what it is that you need from her, NOT what your mom or sister want from her) if the issues truly lye solely with her habits and behavior than her parents can try and convince her to change. if its going to be anyone, they are the only ones that can knock sense into her I would assume (if they are understanding of your needs as well and not in all favor of their daughter) if you say she never answers you properly, you literally need to go in front of her family and ask her what she wants. if shes quiet, then it will be all in front of her family to see right? and if you get it out of her, well then, i guess you have a bit of what your looking for, and you should be pretty honest and straight forward IN FRONT of her family about what it is you can do, and can't do regarding her needs. depending on the outcome of that intervention, you'll have to sit down at that time and tell yourself then, what your next move will be for this marriage. i assume you want to make it work, so what else can you do at this point? do you have a good relationship with her parents?

how long have you been married for now?

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I did actually want to take an elder from my side, will be difficult to speak openly when i know that her siblings will also be there and then there's lonely me :-( But then the problem here is that something's she has said I would not want my family to know otherwise they probably wouldn't be the same with her at all.

She has gone until her parents come back and we are on a hiatus. Essentially not communicating and both evaluating ourselves.

I want to know what it will take to give her the happiness she wants and whether I can provide that and if so then will her constant sulking stop.

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yeah i can understand that as well. how about taking somebody that would be unbiased and not go back to your mom and sister, like a cousin or good family friend that knows whats going on?

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Najeeb, you are exhausting all of us. 5 pages in one day?! Way to go, man! :k:
I read your other thread as well, but never posted anything, partly because I don’t believe your stories 100% and partly because if your stories are indeed true, I don’t believe your actions imitate your claims. To me, you come across as someone who firmly believes he has done nothing wrong. You also come across as someone who gets easily influenced by what your family regularly reports to you about your wife. If you have made a gazillion posts on this forum trying to seek advice on a complicated series of issues that none of us here can truly help you with (since we know only one side of the story and that too doesn’t sound very believable) then likely you have also consulted your family for marriage counseling and they may have exaggerated the issue. Not sure. But in the other thread, you mentioned that after your numerous attempts to get her to communicate her issues with you, she did bring up a few points that were contrary to her expectation from before marriage. Did she not? Have you forgotten those? Then how can you say that you have no clue what’s upsetting her? In the last thread, during the first half, you firmly maintained your position that your wife does nothing except sulk 24/7 then when some guppans pushed you to write down her routine, you finally mentioned that she is very religious and spends time praying/reading quran etc. Then what the heck do you mean (in this thread) yet again that she does nothing all day long??? You say that you’re willing to adapt, but from her previous list of complaints, how many of the things have you changed by now???

-You are still living in the same house and your siblings still keep visiting on a daily basis. You already know that she doesn’t get along with your side of family yet you still expect her to “entertain” them. You have no clue why she is not on speaking terms with your sibling … could this not be seen as a positive thing whereby she is refraining from saying negative things to you about your family? You still hold a grudge on her from Ramadan or other events past yet you claim to be forgiving and understanding. You ask her to be honest with you but you’re putting her in an obvious tough spot, where she maybe afraid of losing you if she knows her demand will make you upset. Of course, she won’t tell you flat out that she doesn’t want your mom to move in with you to the new house. She knows how much your mom means to you. But as you already mentioned, deep down she probably wants you all to herself. Is that selfishness/jealousy or could it be extreme possessiveness? Is her demand unreasonable, inconsiderate, and selfish? Yes, I would agree it is. Are you clueless as to what is bothering her? No! Are you doing everything in your power to make her dreams come true? No!

-You still have issues convincing her that you love, appreciate, and respect her. The first thing she does when she wakes up is to text you! How sweet is that? But you find her texts annoying, as it ruins your day at work. You ask her to be open about her problems but when she does, you dismiss it as “i am a busy man…my work is too important…i don’t have time for this.” Maybe she is not comfortable speaking to you face to face, so she types it out for you (but you ignore it?). You know you keep saying that you have told her that whenever she has issues she should just come to you right away and not waste the whole day sulking. umm okay, but why don’t YOU accept that her personality is different. She doesn’t deal with conflict the same way you do. Some people don’t open up easily when they are upset. Maybe she is afraid of speaking up because of what she might say to you in anger. Maybe she loves you so much that she doesn’t want to lose you by making demands that would qualify as ‘unreasonable’ in your dictionary. Maybe she is so fed up that she has become mute on the subject and left it all up to Allah (and *that is why *she doesn’t complain to you)? Maybe, the same way you are consulting other people for advice, she is too? Maybe someone is telling her to act in a certain way? Maybe when she says you don’t appreciate her, she is shyly hinting at physical intimacy and not verbal compliments? Maybe the problem is, no matter what anyone says, you still maintain that you or your family has done nothing wrong. Or maybe you two are not compatible at all, and it’s too late to try to fix things? I don’t know. I remember you mentioning in the last thread that you hold hands sometimes, you comb her hair? (or maybe I’m daydreaming here). Anyway, you call your wife bratty and childish. In my opinion, you are (quite possibly) too mature for her. Marriage is not just about providing her with food, clothes and shelter. Marriage is also about the love two people share, the laughter, the spark in your eyes, the fun in getting to know each other when no one else is around. When you get too bogged down by he said, she said (in your case, my wife said, my sibling said) and start dismissing everything your wife demands as petty, then this is what happens → wife tries to escape the prison she has been put into by quietly slipping out of the house at 1am.
^ yes, disturbing thought and all, but I wonder how depressed she must be to have come to such indiscretion.
Please, Najeeb, give me her number, I will find out what’s bugging her. You clearly can’t! Case closed.

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You are one annoying husband, it doesn't sound like you genuinely care for her. If your sister is visiting her house almost on a daily bais, why she is not making an effort to have a conversation with your wife. If she finds your wife reserve, why your sister is not getting the clue that she should limit her trips? Why are you not getting the clue that she is not liking family visiting her on a daily basis? How many times her family has visited your home? We have never heard you say that her family was visiting you folks. It is always your family visiting. Think about it!