Without going into too much details how serious would the following be for you and your family?
I and my wife live with your mother who is an elderly woman but quite capable of managing the whole household. My extended family/friends and relatives live nearby. My wife since waking up has been sulking and hasn’t bothered even coming downstairs which is a common occurrence. My mother never gets involved and thinks she is ill although she pretty much knows that she is just acting like a bratty child.
I had a discussion with my wife when she is ready to talk which is in the evening once her sulking has subsided, no shouting or swearing or anything heated whatsoever, just a normal chat. She mentions that she has an issue with a sibling who supposedly does not chat/acknowledge her, we have both known about this for a while BUT my wife has always stated to not say anything. I have also noticed that it is to and fro between the two, sometimes the opposite happens and my wife doesn’t acknowledge my sibling but nothing wrong has even been said from one to the other. She mentions that she will from now on not even attempt to speak or acknowledge her and will not enter any room where she is even if that means not going to the living area if she is sat with my mum.
I stated that this is not acceptable and like adults you two just need to chat. My wife stated that I should also stop talking to her as it is shameful speaking to a person who is not on normal terms with your wife. I mentioned that if she is going home for a few days to ‘clear her head’ then it would be best to think about our relationship as quite clearly there is no respect, trust or any sort compromise to do what is right. She said she would go in the morning. Then stated she would not talk about anything else.
At this point I decided I need some space so left the house for two hours. When I came back she was under the covers and asleep. I decided I would rather not sleep in the same room as her and picked up my pyjamas, at that point she jumped out of bed and decided she wants to leave and go home. Got changed, put on her hijab and walked out the house, walked past my mothers room who was sleeping. This was at 1:30am.
I rang her family and me and a sibling went in two separate cars looking for her. My mum came running out bare footed trying to look for her but eventually went back in. We found her and she didn’t really want to speak to either of us. Her family came and took her without even coming close to us and asking anything.
Since this escapade she has mentioned that she was emotional and hence walked out but she has not shown any regret at the seriousness of her action.
By the way thanks Paheli. Your advice is much appreciated.
What is the "bad action" here? What I see here is a serious breakdown in communication among all sides. You all NEED to talk and clear the air. Najeeb, I think the tension is so thick in your house, that anyone would walk out. That's just my perception though.
What is the "bad action" here? What I see here is a serious breakdown in communication among all sides. You all NEED to talk and clear the air. Najeeb, I think the tension is so thick in your house, that anyone would walk out. That's just my perception though.
I constantly attempted to speak to her during the day, even read my salaah in the same room and asked again and again to talk but nothing.
There is no tension in the household, mother knows the behaviour and ignores it but states that she does not want to say anything and should come from me. What I say is not acknowledged at all.
Once again there is no tension and definitely none is perceived.
Hmmm..very strange indeed. Perhaps, she needs to left alone, until she finally breaks and comes to you. Well, I think you're trying your best by making attempts to speak to her.
I asked the sibling and she stated that she was not aware that she had done anything wrong although she had spoken to her husband to speak to me as to why my wife was not on normal speaking terms with her.
She felt the same as my wife felt. Both not speaking properly with each other and both having spoken to their husbands about it. A misunderstanding at best.
Staying by herself in her room is due to her sulking and this is what she does constantly.
Was her running out the door anything to do with you taking your pjs elsewhere?
Nope just that she was emotional BUT it happened as soon as I decided that I would not sleep in the same room and hence picked up my pjs.
I decided to sleep in the other room as space apart can be a good thing and she has done this herself a few weeks earlier. Tbh I had mentally had enough of the behaviour but I did not say anything, just entered the room to pick my items up..
help her find a job or a place where she volunteer in the mornings, seems like she has nothing to do at home and it is all coming out in negative energy.
Hmmm..very strange indeed. Perhaps, she needs to left alone, until she finally breaks and comes to you. Well, I think you're trying your best by making attempts to speak to her.
I spoke to her since and rather than show remorse about what she did and that being at 1:30am she wanted to know why I did not stop her from leaving and that she waited outside the front door for me but when I did not appear within a minute or so she decided to walk into town.
help her find a job or a place where she volunteer in the mornings, seems like she has nothing to do at home and it is all coming out in negative energy.
I always hear about looking a job/volunteering but there is no action just words. Bar from me actually looking and finding something myself for her I do not think this will happen.
You know what your wife's biggest problem is? She refuses to acknowledge that she's done anything wrong and instead sees herself as EVERYONE's poor victim. Stop coddling her!!!! She has to take responsibility for herself.
She's indifferent to your wants and wishes and it's all about getting her way and if she doesn't get her way, then she throws a tantrum. Now that your in-laws have taken her home, tell her that unless she is willing to discuss and resolve all of the issues (and make her put everything down in writing) there's nothing further to discuss.
I strongly advise against cajoling her to come home - because once she's home, it'll more of the same and more tantrums.
If she can be so callous to walk out onto the streets at 1:30 AM, it means that not only is she extremely unhappy, but also has no respect for you or your family. At the least she may need a talk from someone who can get through to her about her behavior (and it's not you, because it seems like you've tried and it doesn't help) , and at the most may even need some psychiatric help.
You know what your wife's biggest problem is? She refuses to acknowledge that she's done anything wrong and instead sees herself as EVERYONE's poor victim. Stop coddling her!!!! She has to take responsibility for herself.
She's indifferent to your wants and wishes and it's all about getting her way and if she doesn't get her way, then she throws a tantrum. Now that your in-laws have taken her home, tell her that unless she is willing to discuss and resolve all of the issues (and make her put everything down in writing) there's nothing further to discuss.
I strongly advise against cajoling her to come home - because once she's home, it'll more of the same and more tantrums.
Najeeb - You already know exactly what I think about all this. I 2nd everything written above. Despite the physical separation....you wife still doesn't get it. Not only is she indifferent and uninterested in doing anything for your happiness....but she also doesn't given a dam* about your mother or any other member of your family. So while you're trying to decide what steps to take next.....think long and hard about what sacrifices you're willing to make in order to continue this marriage. And based on what you have seen in the last year, think about what values/morals your wife is going to teach to your future children.
she ran away from the house at 1:30 am because she got emotional? this is like the height of childishness! are you sure you're married to a grown woman?
if anyone in my family did something like this I think I would be super pissed at such immaturity and ridiculousness. Its unaccceptable for an adult to behave this way, you shouldn't cut her any slack for her actions.
If her family didn't bother talking to you or asking what happened, then I'm guessing that she's been communicating with them and that they are on the "bachi's" side. If this is the case, it makes things tougher. She obviously doesn't want to initiate breaking the ice, so have you tried asking the person she refuses to talk to...to be the bigger person and try talking to her? If one side isn't budging try the other.
she sounds really unhappy at your place. are you telling us the whole story pal? because it sure looks like shes always sulking or throwing a tantrum. whats up with that? and how can you not know why your wife is always upset?
she sounds really unhappy at your place. are you telling us the whole story pal? because it sure looks like shes always sulking or throwing a tantrum. whats up with that? and how can you not know why your wife is always upset?
I've personally discounted half of what najeeb has said, not because I disbelieve him, but because how he perceives his own actions and the actions of his mom, may be vastly different than how the wife sees/feels about it.
But what can't be dismissed is that she doesn't seem to want to make the situation better. Najeeb is at least willing to listen to what the writers here have to say - her actions (albeit, as described by najeeb) come across as selfish.
She wakes up late (closer to mid-afternoon), doesn't socialize with his mom, wants all of his time, doesn't want to live in this home, isn't working, they don't have kids, she wants to travel with her family. Her actions seem to be all about her.
Maybe najeeb can tell us what if any nice things his wife has done for him and his family, how she's attempted to compromise.