Re: secret second marriage
I thought the whole point of marriage was to "announce" to the world that you're committed to someone. A secret second marriage doesn't really seem halal to me even if its been performed with 2 witnesses. It just seems like a way to get away with doing something wrong and trying to fool God at the same time... sort of like of Halala.
Re: secret second marriage
So from a woman's perspective, what would be more devastating? That her hubby is having an affair, or that he is secretly married to another woman?
for me, i would be more devastated if he marries another woman. marriage to me means hes in love with another woman which i cannot deal with. cant deal with cheating either but atleast then he may not be in love with the other woman.
It's almost like you guys are equating secret second marriage with extra martial affair. Are they both cheating?
the fact that hes hiding it from his first wife is equivalent of cheating. so yes the guy is a cheater.
Re: secret second marriage
I thought the whole point of marriage was to "announce" to the world that you're committed to someone. A secret second marriage doesn't really seem halal to me even if its been performed with 2 witnesses. It just seems like a way to get away with doing something wrong and trying to fool God at the same time... sort of like of Halala.
Exactly! To me polygamy is legalizing adultery.
Re: secret second marriage
So from a woman's perspective, what would be more devastating? That her hubby is having an affair, or that he is secretly married to another woman?
Both are equally worse to me. However, the news of his secret marriage to another woman will be a harder blow and at that point I would seriously look at what was wrong with me and our relationship.
Re: secret second marriage
Exactly! To me polygamy is legalizing adultery.
I was thinking to post this exact thing, but figured that would get some people all riled up. But in my opinion, you're absolutely right Theorist.
Re: secret second marriage
Peabrains in action . . . yay
Re: secret second marriage
Both are equally worse to me. However, the news of his secret **marriage to another woman will be a harder blow **and at that point I would seriously look at what was wrong with me and our relationship.
Doesnt make any sense.
Re: secret second marriage
^Why?
Re: secret second marriage
^Why is second marriage harder blow than secret affair? Unless one is only thinking about financial implications.
Re: secret second marriage
^Why is second marriage harder blow than secret affair? Unless one is only thinking about financial implications.
no its not always about financial implications.
second marriage is a harder blow because then a wife does not have any hope left which she has in case of an affair. Like if her husband is having an affair the hope is still there that it would end or it would just prove to be a fling, an escape for the time being for the husband that could end with the change in circumstances/situations that led him to take that escape etc. But when the husband turns that affair into a marriage then for the first wife all is over.
As someone said, a secret affair can be ignored as a mistake, plus one can assume that no sex took place.
Secret marriage seems to be a well planned decision, where loyalties are involved, and for certain - sex is involved too, hence we can see that why the news would be more devastating for the current wife.
I was thinking to post this exact thing, but figured that would get some people all riled up. But in my opinion, you’re absolutely right Theorist.
[/quote]
I in essence agree with both of you and tell you why.
Condition of having two witnesses is the minimum requirement. If you think of it, in our society, even the most simple marriage would have 25-30 invited guests, and also the whole uninvited social circle would know of the marriage, or will learn about it pretty soon. So in a conventional marriage, there are two official witnesses, but the marriage has been witnessed by a very large number of people.
Two witnesses requirement means that under not so normal circumstances, one could at least find two witnesses to announce his intentions of uniting with this woman. I mean you could be living in a very remote place, or part of a caravan or something like that. If you can’t wait to reach mainland, you can at least find two people, hence it becomes a minimum requirement.
But if you are living in a city of one million people, secret nikah just does not make sense. There is no rivaayat in Islam which could support this concept.
Re: secret second marriage
Secret affairs are not knee jerk reactions, it also includes well thought acts and planning. Secret affairs I wud think are worse, since these include deceiving two women.
Re: secret second marriage
As someone said, a secret affair can be ignored as a mistake, plus one can assume that no sex took place.
Secret marriage seems to be a well planned decision, where loyalties are involved, and for certain - sex is involved too, hence we can see that why the news would be more devastating for the current wife.
secret marriage is not only a well planned decision, but also a much more serious one than an affair. whether polygamy in general is right or wrong is a totally different topic, but secret 2nd wife is absolutely cheating, and worse than adultery IMO. if i had to pick one for my husband, i would rather him have an affair than marry another woman. I would leave him either way, but would feel less hurt if it wasn't a marriage. As some people mentioned, this kind of nikah is not allowed so how is it even different from adultery when the nikah isn't done the way it's supposed to?
Re: secret second marriage
^Why is second marriage harder blow than secret affair? Unless one is only thinking about financial implications.
It is because not only does it imply that he had an extramarital affair he actually went ahead and made it official. I may be able to understand secret affairs as this is human nature and believe it or not we are polygamous by nature. Everyone slips here and there! This holds true for both men and women. I will not understand his secret 2nd marriage because that would mean he did not respect me as a partner to confront me about our issues. It would mean he gave our relationship no chance at all and instead of telling me before going ahead with the "secret" marriage, he kept me around as his backup plan. No one likes that! It's too big of an insult to get over.
Re: secret second marriage
^^In addition to what Bella and Theorist have stated, an extramarital affair may not be a serious, as odd as that sounds. It may be purely physical without any serious feelings or attachment. However, a second marriage implies attachment and that he cares enough about the woman to make it official and make it permanent thing.
Re: secret second marriage
^I get your point.
But I think that's a wife's perspective. You would be less hurt if he keeps the "other woman" at a lower status than the wife. However, I would tend to think that, "morally" its worse, bcoz he is using the other woman for a free ride.
Re: secret second marriage
^I get your point.
But I think that's a wife's perspective. You would be less hurt if he keeps the "other woman" at a lower status than the wife. However, I would tend to think that, "morally" its worse, bcoz he is using the other woman for a free ride.
This is very a good point. Even if a guy kept a mistress on the side as a mere diversion and has no serious emotional attachment towards her, it does say something rather unsavoury about his character. I think that would unnerve me quite a bit as it implies he isn't terribly bothered about morality and is able to engage in less than moral behaviour without giving it a second thought.
Re: secret second marriage
^I get your point.
But I think that's a wife's perspective. You would be less hurt if he keeps the "other woman" at a lower status than the wife. However, I would tend to think that, "morally" its worse, bcoz he is using the other woman for a free ride.
Polygamy causes too much hurt, period. It should be illegal globally and only allowed through court in cases where it is absolutely needed. There are only very few cases where a woman finds protection in 2nd, 3rd, or 4th marriage. Usually these places treat women like livestock. They are better off being someone's pet than livestock. None of this polygamy crap applies to GS women so I highly doubt they would be any less hurt knowing that the other woman holds a lower status than them.
Polygamy causes too much hurt, period. It should be illegal globally and only allowed through court in cases where it is absolutely needed. There are only very few cases where a woman finds protection in 2nd, 3rd, or 4th marriage. Usually these places treat women like livestock. They are better off being someone’s pet than livestock. None of this polygamy crap applies to GS women so I highly doubt they would be any less hurt knowing that the other woman holds a lower status than them.
[/quote]
The way the middle eastern culture is, where for a woman to go even to the market she needs to be with a mehram male, polygamy becomes a need of the society. I know multiple Arab ladies who are totally ok with the concept of their hubby bringing in another wife. They are raised with that mindset, so it’s ok for them.