Re: Second Marriage?
^I admit that I've joked around a bit on here and it wasn't exactly nice. But bashing him won't do any good......none of us would want him to remain monogamous out of guilt as that's not healthy. I think it would be more effective to ask questions/help him figure things out.
Re: Second Marriage?
**Also, men are VERY possessive. We see this in nature, we see this in our daily lives. Women are more emotionally attached to one person, whereas men do wander.
**Thats a huge generalisation. Women are also possessive. It's just that their spirits and sometimes bodies are crushed from birth so men can do anything and people wil be like aww boys will b boys. And who says women are emotionally attached to one person? Its cz they are dependent and kept that way by first parents and then spouses that they are attached.
And the parental thing it can be confirmed by DNA testing, do it from a reputable lab and it wont b forged.
It's not a huge generalisation...men do cheat/want other spouses. Women are prone to be more emotionally attached to one spouse. It's biological. I don't know what you're trying to say...honestly. =/ Lots of women with children do re-marry...maybe it's not common within Pakistani society, but elsewhere it happens. And it's not seen as a terrible thing. So... =/ As for the DNA testing comment, do you even realise what I'm talking about? A woman marrying multiple men is not feasible nor is it allowed in Islam. Again, I don't know whether you're Muslim or not, but I am. So in regards to polygamy I rely heavily on my religion.
Re: Second Marriage?
how is a second marriage going to help this situation? Ur going to eternally be in two locations (I'm assuming ur job is contract based and not permanent) with two families, result will be that neither family will get ur full attention.
Maybe the girl in Russia is under pressure to marry aswell , and yes a sucessfull guy who will be there for 6 months may not sound like a bad deal? Have u thought of why someone would agree to mary a guy with a family? Financial stability?.Honestly she was 18 too. She had to leave her studies and probly sacrificed a lot more then u did. She adjusted to a new place /culture and didn't burden you with anything probly because she knew how you felt. Maybe that's why she "bottled" it all up and now finds it harder to communicate.
Ur not the only one who didn't get to enjoy their youth, so grow up.This stint of urs in Russia should hopefully be the last of ur "mid life crisis".
and when u say if she goes fr a divorce and ul still be there for her, consider the reality/possibility she gets re-married.check if ur okay with letting a person go who (even u acknowledge) did everything she could for you .and if ur okay with another guy raising ur kid, being the one he looks upto. u want to think about this now and not later in ur 30s when u've wrecked two families in two countries and continents.
Re: Second Marriage?
Only a picture will tell 
Re: Second Marriage?
Yes, I am persistent. But you have to understand that without telling us this information....it would have just made you appear flaky. Have you tried telling her in a very straightforward way (don't sugar-coat it).....something along the lines of "I'm find it difficult to connect with you because you don't open up to me. You don't share your thoughts/feelings/whatever. And it's making me feel frustrated with this marriage." You try that?
Cuz if you're ONLY asking her "what's wrong?" and not letting her know how her behavior is making you feel......then she probably thinks it's no big deal ...that it's ONLY her problem and that it has no effect on you.....and that pretending to be happy will make things better for the both of you.
If you ALREADY sense that she's hurting in some way (the crying during the middle of the night, the pretending everything is perfect, etc)....then ......unless she doesn't feel much for you.....wouldn't it hurt her even more if you spring a second marriage on her?
Have you tried asking her family members to help you out?
I've told her all my thoughts, she doesn't open up, it's like the opposite of battered wife syndrome, I try and tell her the faults and mistakes we've made in connecting emotionally, she just ends the conversation with "well I love you now and that's all that matters..." ffs I tried to get her to not bottle up her emotions, when her brother died she barely showed any emotion at all, I cried for three days straight when I heard the news, she didn't even sob, she just stayed in emotional shock.
Re: Second Marriage?
**It's not a huge generalisation...men do cheat/want other spouses. Women are prone to be more emotionally attached to one spouse. It's biological.
**Hmmm in all my study of medicine and biology I have not come across this phenomenon. Care to enlighten me with some scientific references.
**Lots of women with children do re-marry...maybe it's not common within Pakistani society, but elsewhere it happens.
**Lets stick to one society stereotyping at a time. Cz u refuse to believe that women can have attraction for any man who is not their husband. Women cheat as well as men given the desire.
*As for the DNA testing comment, do you even realise what I'm talking about?
*
I do actually.
** A woman marrying multiple men is not feasible nor is it allowed in Islam.
**
Polyandry works quite well in certain cultures, so it is feasible.
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I've told her all my thoughts, she doesn't open up, it's like the opposite of battered wife syndrome, I try and tell her the faults and mistakes we've made in connecting emotionally, she just ends the conversation with "well I love you now and that's all that matters..." ffs I tried to get her to not bottle up her emotions, when her brother died she barely showed any emotion at all, I was cried for three days straight when I heard the news, she didn't even sob, she just stayed in emotional shock.
Havenu considered counselling?
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the reason everyone is bashing (I think its more infuriated) is becuz he’s trying to portray himself as the victim who never got his childhood to run around in the fields and eat icecream 
.Oh & he knows she’s a good person who really loves him. so how about
option a) make the marriage work
option b) divorce her, and let her live her life with someone who values her & then marry russian girl.
is everyone supposed to be all sweet and honey cuz he’s saying he will always be there for her? Like he’s been till now?
I know someone who lost their brothers in a horrendous way and they couldn’t cope for a couple of years.if she’s not reacting o is in denial about that , she’s hardly going to be able to connect with u is she?
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**the reason everyone is bashing (I think its more infuriated) is becuz he's trying to portray himself as the victim who never got his childhood to run around in the fields and eat icecream
**this^^
Re: Second Marriage?
**It's not a huge generalisation...men do cheat/want other spouses. Women are prone to be more emotionally attached to one spouse. It's biological.
**Hmmm in all my study of medicine and biology I have not come across this phenomenon. Care to enlighten me with some scientific references.
**Lots of women with children do re-marry...maybe it's not common within Pakistani society, but elsewhere it happens.
**Lets stick to one society stereotyping at a time. Cz u refuse to believe that women can have attraction for any man who is not their husband. Women cheat as well as men given the desire.
*As for the DNA testing comment, do you even realise what I'm talking about? * I do actually.
** A woman marrying multiple men is not feasible nor is it allowed in Islam.
**
Polyandry works quite well in certain cultures, so it is feasible.
I don't think I'm stereotyping - you're bashing him for wanting to marry again. =/ I never said women don't cheat...I said men have a higher propensity to do so. I'm not going to pull up scientific journals supporting what I just said. I also stated again and again I'm basing this off as a Muslim. The OP is a Muslim...so from an ISLAMIC standpoint, what he wants is completely allowed. So no, you actually had no f'n clue what I was talking about.
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U asked about the DNA testing and I had more than a clue.
Islam itself is a very scientific religion so please dnt just say its Islamic or biological without proper backing up.
he may have a right under his religion but how many of the commandments of Quran does he follow completely. I hate hypocrites who pick and choose from their religion when it pleases them and act all high and pious.
He has a wife and a child, and he should stop playing the victim and grow up.
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I've told her all my thoughts, she doesn't open up, it's like the opposite of battered wife syndrome, I try and tell her the faults and mistakes we've made in connecting emotionally, she just ends the conversation with "well I love you now and that's all that matters..." ffs I tried to get her to not bottle up her emotions, when her brother died she barely showed any emotion at all, I was cried for three days straight when I heard the news, she didn't even sob, she just stayed in emotional shock.
Ok, have you tried getting help from her family members? As in explaining your frustration to them and getting them to talk to her?
Have you tried complimenting her when she does share her opinions/thoughts about something....(it could be something small). That could motivate her to share more...though it could take time.
This might sound corny....but what if you use a different approach besides talking. Like for example, what if you were to use a notebook or email or something...as a medium for communicating thoughts. Like a journal could go back and forth between you two. Maybe she's the kind that does better with expressing her thoughts through writing then orally? Reflect over your own behavior. Maybe there's something in your demeanor (that you're not aware of) that makes her feel as though you're not into this marriage....and that might be causing her to close off?
People deal with grief in different ways. Do you think that maybe your expectations might be a bit unreasonable? Some people feel the need to express every single thought and others just prefer to move on. Maybe she's the kind that prefers to focus on the present and the future...........and when you try to get her to open up, perhaps she sees that as dwelling on the past and she thinks there's no point to it? If that's the case...maybe you can try to compromise a bit with her. Instead of getting her to focus on the past (circumstances your marriage took place in, etc)....why not concentrate on developing the present?
You know I was wondering if maybe she just "resigned" herself to this marriage and just settled. But now that you mention how she tells you she "loves" you.......I really feel for her.
If you tell her that you're contemplating a 2nd marriage out of frustration.......(but don't act on that yet).....maybe it might get her to open up? Try spending time with her then....and see if things improve....before marrying the other woman. I used to work with this Desi woman whose husband hand't divorced her...so she was still his wife....and then he went on to marry a second wife. There were kids from both marriages. I remember her telling me that her daughters see that Dad can't be fair in how he spends his time with both families...and that it hurts them......the kids pick up on the difference. And yes, there might be polygamous marriages out there that are working just fine....but you're taking a risk. Your first marriage was a gamble...but a second one brings additional challenges. Just think things through.
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I'm not going to pull up scientific journals supporting what I just said.
Bcz there aren't any
Re: Second Marriage?
I'm going to get some sleep, its 6am here in Russia, I'll be responding to messages tomorrow, and for all those who posted constructive criticism Thank You.
Re: Second Marriage?
obedient son
obedient daughter
:-/
i think she was pressured into marrying you too and felt obliged/duty to be a good wife as your father helped/good friend of her father.
"I was upset that my twenties would be wasted, no fun, no partying with friends, I was having a midlife crisis at age 20. "
It isn't only you , hers too. Wife and a mother at an early age.
Both of you are bottled up in your own emotion and moving on as a husband and wife for the sake of being husband and wife.
I don't think she has anyone else except you and her son
She will accept what ever you do but i think it will kill her inside.
Not to mention the other lady might just turn out to be temporary.
talk to her and tell her your emotions like the one in your first post, she might be depressed as she kept everythign inside her for too long
I really hope this is a troll and no one is in this situation.
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@redvelvet I don't think threatening her with a second marriage will make her open up.more likely to make her clam up since that seems to be her coping mechanism.
Maybe she feels that if she expresses disagreement or that she's unhappy that would be ingratitude towards u bringing her fam across? She probly thinks if she pretends everything is okay they will be. she needs help not threats.
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U asked about the DNA testing and I had more than a clue. Islam itself is a very scientific religion so please dnt just say its Islamic or biological without proper backing up. he may have a right under his religion but how many of the commandments of Quran does he follow completely. I hate hypocrites who pick and choose from their religion when it pleases them and act all high and pious.
He has a wife and a child, and he should stop playing the victim and grow up.
Omg, I wasn't questioning your knowledge of DNA testing. It's about the fact of life - availability of DNA testing to a polyandrous couple (do you think a village in rural India would be able to afford a 'reputable' DNA clinic?). Men ARE more possessive, and more likely to cheat. Women do have more emotional attachment to one person. Look up oxytocin, look up evolution. Men are hardwired to want more spouses...to reproduce. It's a biological fact. Which is why Islam allows for MEN to marry multiple times, whereas for a woman it isn't allowed. It's scientific. It's Islamic. Look it up.
He never stated that he was a devout Muslim, but maybe he wanted to go that route. There's nothing wrong with it. Divorce is allowed in Islam, but more frowned upon than marrying a second wife. I don't have a problem with your opinion - but offer constructive advice. He's choosing an option that's allowed to him by our faith, whether he takes that option or not depends on what his situation is and whether he's critically viewed his marriage from all aspects before reaching that conclusion (of second marriage).
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I'm not going to pull up scientific journals supporting what I just said.
Bcz there aren't any
There's loads love, just google it. I CBA'd right now.
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Humsafar much?
Re: Second Marriage?
@redvelvet I don't think threatening her with a second marriage will make her open up.more likely to make her clam up since that seems to be her coping mechanism.
Maybe she feels that if she expresses disagreement or that she's unhappy that would be ingratitude towards u bringing her fam across? She probly thinks if she pretends everything is okay they will be. she needs help not threats.
It doesn't have to be worded in a "threatening" way. But he needs to be honest with her and let her know that he's feeling very frustrated.
In fact, this strategy wasn't even my primary focus. I suggested other options as well, Majesty. I don't know what will work.....neither of us do......as we don't know her side of the story and all that we do know is from his point of view. The only thing we can do is put forth possible options and the rest is up to him.