Ok. I think I'm well placed to answer this question. :p
It's pretty obvious he converted for love of you.instead of being appreciative and grateful and showing him how lovely life can be as a muslim with a muslim wife..you nag at him about eating at chinese restaurants, eating half-moon cakes and the like...
If you're soo concerned about the lard, you should be going out and finding moon cakes without lard and bringing them home to him..that would work better than forbidding something..
Prob is he only want the moon cake with the eggs yolk in it. We already try the Vegetarian chinese restaurant (they dont have it because as a vegetarian they dont eat eggs) we went to chinese muslim restaurant - they sell it but the taste is not as good as the one from malaysia the one with the lard on top of it.
I'm so happy when travelers (in this case my MIL) can no longer bring foods into US. This save me from nagging him or be upset.
I dont want him to eat at chinese restaurant because the foods mixed with lard .. the oil that they used to fried a prawns is the same oil that they fried pork meat. i,e for a soup - they will used chicken or pork broth to make the soup more delicious. as for wantan skin we use butter but in the chinese restaurant they use lard. If we not careful we will eat haram foods everyday. :(
Ain...Its one thing to raise your child a certain way. You have the right and responsibility to mold him according to Islam. You don't have those same rights over other human beings. He is an adult with a mind of his own...he is not a child and you cannot mold him any way you want. Has it worked for the past 10 years? No, it has not. And it will not. It doesn't work the same way with an adult Ain as it does with a child.
i took 11 yrs to teach him slowly abt Islam. As miss Queen said we are not married for two or three years but almost 11/12 yrs. If i pour water over the stone in this 11 yrs I'm sure there will a little cracks on it. :)
Because I think they are not muslim. it is from what I read in this forum. From all threads abt shiah, suni - because the dont respect Muhammad but more to ali (the one who died) and they have this festival beating themself as to show their sympathy.
^ Your statement is not appropriate, I mean, respect all! There are people who belong to different religions or fiqah, firqa! They will not feel good to read it! Lets respect all.
Okay Ain....so are you saying that your husband actually TOLD you that he doesn't believe in Allah or is that just a guess/assumption of yours?
If he said that he doens't believe in Allah at all....
1) Ask him why. Don't ask it in a defensive way..dont' be mean/judgmental about it. Just ask him. Have an open dialog. I'd be curious to know what he has to say. And then you can share your beliefs.....without forcing them....with him.
2) Explain to him that if he doesn't believe in Allah...and if he's firm in this belief of his....then according to Islam it renders your marriage invalid....any interactions you have (sex, etc) become a sin basically. Again, don't do it in a harsh way, just state the facts..as in the religious rulings. Explain your expecations ....and ASK him (without being defensive) what his expectations from a marriage are. Just have an open/non-judgmental discussion.
3) I don't know how effective this would be.....but take a break from him. Give him time and space to sort out his thoughts....and you use this time to do the same. But DEFINITELY STOP nagging him during this time. Your scolding/criticizing will only make things worse. Instead of losing your cool with him....display a sense of CALM and maturity when you give him space. This will surprise him because he expects you to (at this point) to get upset/angry at him. I think that part of his problem is that he feels stuck/overwhelmed by various things in his life/marriage. Freedom is important for guys and I think that one of the fears that many of them have is that marriage will take that freedom/autonomy away from them, so don't act in a way that makes him feel cramped. If he desires space...................you give him the galaxy and it'll be a good time for self-reflection for you. It'll help you both figure out what future steps need to be taken.
Thank you red. i will digest all your suggestion - I'm at home now with our son. It's almost 3 pm now. I will talk to him after our son go to sleep.
^ Your statement is not appropriate, I mean, respect all! There are people who belong to different religions or fiqah, firqa! They will not feel good to read it! Lets respect all.
really now.. when its about a chinese guy who has to give up his identity and become her slave, its all good. when it comes to iranians, you want respect. same coin, two sides pal.
anyway.. ain, how did your husband feel about marrying you when you had two kids who are now adults? how did he behave with them? did he oppose their being religious etc? why are you suddenly concerned for the religion of your child with him?
its alright dear, I can feel the pain through your posts you are going through, May Allah give you patience to deal with it. Amen. If you are really concerned for your religion, for your Allah, don't worry, Allah is concerned about you too and will never let you down! Worries are the temporary part of life, if you bear them believing your Almighty, and still get no good results in Dunya, then don't worry..and be happy for how you will be blessed on the day of judgement! Amen.
It is like a test from God Almighty - to see if i'm going to choose my religion or choose my dunya life. I think the missed call to his son is just a reason (from Allah) to lead me to more complicated issues as this.
^ Your statement is not appropriate, I mean, respect all! There are people who belong to different religions or fiqah, firqa! They will not feel good to read it! Lets respect all.
i'm sorry, before I always treat them as muslim because for me as long as their saying kalimah syhadah they are muslim. But I got confuse when reading all the threat abt shiah bashing sunni in this forum.
I'm sorry and like to apologize to all Iranians /sunni - I will delete my post as respect.
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anyway.. ain, how did your husband feel about marrying you when you had two kids who are now adults? how did he behave with them? did he oppose their being religious etc? why are you suddenly concerned for the religion of your child with him?
[/QUOTE]
He dont have prob with it. My kids is in malaysia with their father.
As i get older, I want to be a good muslim. I want my son to be a muslim too. islam is true religion no other religion for us - only Islam. If you are in my situation you also want your kid to be a muslim right?
really now.. when its about a chinese guy who has to give up his identity and become her slave, its all good. when it comes to iranians, you want respect. same coin, two sides pal.
anyway.. ain, how did your husband feel about marrying you when you had two kids who are now adults? how did he behave with them? did he oppose their being religious etc? why are you suddenly concerned for the religion of your child with him?
I am not a Shiya Queer, but lets not speak hatred sentences for eachother's religion, respect eachother's religion. Since this thread belongs to a chinese man, I neither said anything about HIS religion too.. most of us are mad at how he converted himself to a Muslim only to marry a Muslim girls!
He dont have prob with it. My kids is in malaysia with their father.
As i get older, I want to be a good muslim. I want my son to be a muslim too. islam is true religion no other religion for us - only Islam. If you are in my situation you also want your kid to be a muslim right?
once again, sounds like it is you who has changed, and not your husband. if you were ok marrying him 12 yrs ago, and now want him to be some sort of 100% muslim coz you have turned religious, and then say your husband is the one having a midlife crisis?
have you tried to learn about his chinese culture or heritage? Does his son at least know chinese?
You divorced once you want to do it again how is this good for you? I don't really understand considering you're very judgmental and self-righteous. Try to not confront and have a fight... please be calm when you talk and not be accusing. If you even want to repair this marriage you should at least listen to what he has to say. and not act like he's satan.
He's your childs father so what are you going to do after you two divorce? Never let the father see the son?
I know a few girls who didn't want a typical Muslim guy. So, what they did was find non Muslims and tried reverting them. It naturally backfired. I have no sympathy for them. I think that is a disgraceful way of going about it. Now, they complain their respective partners are not interested in Islam and they're giving ultimatums to them. That to me is a complete joke and I feel sorry for those guys. These two in particular girls are hypocrites and ruining lives.
Yes Ma Mooli, you are right that is my main issue. If he believe in Allah that is more than enough. we been together for almost 12 yrs. if i forced him as what reha thought I been doing he will be gone long time ago.
Having read most of the threads here ive come to the conclusion that the initial start off was wrong. The guy married you for his love for you not for your religion. He converted to Islam for his love for you not for Allah swt.
First and foremost... he wasnt a muslim so why even entertain the thought of getting involved with someone who has literally no understanding of your religion... People know who Muhammed pbuh is... but that doesnt mean they understand the intricasies of Islam...The world knows of Allah swt but that doesnt mean they accept his existance and follow his deen.
I understand he married you ain and converted to Islam, and that is a very very big step... you should have been patient with him...(which you say you have been) but the problem is because he wasnt sincere with Allah swt he isnt sincere with the parameters Islam sets... the start off of this relationship was love and lust and that now is fast coming to an end.... and the end result is in front of you.... you seem really religious so why did you take these steps... especilly when you have been married before and have children.... this should have been thought out very very carefully... what message have you given to your other two kids??????/
Unfortunately you laid your bed and now lying in it is becoming unbearable for you.... Divorce in islam is disliked by Allah swt but HE has made it an option if and when you have exhausted all other options.... the main problem is your husband DOESNT believe in Allah swt and so how can he follow what Allah swt sets out... to be honest your husband isnt a muslim.... a person who doesnt believe in the existance of Allah swt... even though he has recited the kalma.... cant be a muslim... he has merely recited words that have no meaning to him... he doesnt understand the big commitment he has made to Allah swt... ultimately he is responsible for his actions but it is clear he is not sincere and was never sincere with Islam...
Put all the other issues aside.... and focus on your husband and Islam... religion cant be forced it is something someone pratices of the own free will... and if he cant do that.... well......there is no point being in that relationship.... as for your son....it will do him more harm watching and feeling all the resentment you have towards his father... and what about the other two blessed kids... dont they deserve a happy healthy mum to be bringing them up!!!!!!
^ Your statement is not appropriate, I mean, respect all! There are people who belong to different religions or fiqah, firqa! They will not feel good to read it! Lets respect all.
.. i wonder is he sad, angry and confuse too ... married more then 10 years, should know/understand each other in/out , why all this now?? somethings wrong here ...
I'm muslim and I find your behavior pretty stifling. I understand your beliefs, but you're coming across as suffocating --and making Islam come across the same way, unfortunately to your husband. Like someone mentioned, if your husband likes Chinese food/moon cakes then why don't you find halal alternatives/recipes you can make him.
The first question is if he believes in the articles of faith. Unless you get a real answer for him, it's pointless to make a decision. If he says he doesn't, well then as a Muslim, you know what you're supposed to do. If he does, then he IS a muslim. Yes, slightly uninformed but a muslim, nontheless.
Also, I know you guys were "in love" but considering that he's completely fallen off the wagon in terms of practice, how much did he know / practice before? Unfortunately, this is the risk that you run with marrying a convert. I know some AMAZING converts, mA mA but it's a risk nonetheless. Best of luck to you.
I hope your husband finds a lady who is kind, sensitive, considerate, accommodating, less selfish and willing to put in the work needed to make a relationship work. I wish him the very best, and extend my heartfelt sympathy to him for having given up so much and having recieved so little.
