Sad, angry and confuse

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

We fall in love - and when he didn't reject the idea to become a muslim. 1998 he converted - we wait till 2000 to get married because I dont want to rush thing. I moved to canada - I went to see the imam there and told the imam can we nikah so that we dont commit sin (zina) the imam say why not it's a good step. He flew from usa and we got nikah in 2000. from the beginning I only teach him how to recite Bismillah, Assalamulaikum and Syahādah. I pray and fasting and told him why I need to do it. I told him I want to wear hijab because as a muslim I must cover my head. I always bring him to celebrate ouf festival with other muslim family .. so he can have or talks to other muslim man.

Well maybe my expetation is too high. :(

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Re: Sad, angry and confuse

when someone converts to Islam, the least you can expect of them is to believe in Allah. If he isn't able to do that after 11 years of marriage, then he's not really a muslim is he?

And that is your major issue that needs clarifying....the rest are merely secondary issues at the moment.

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Re: Sad, angry and confuse

I don't think she forced him, can't you see since 1998, he converted.. she gave him time! she gave him break, but as you say she is the closest person to him, ofcourse she knows her husband better than us all, and what I am getting is, this Man is taking NO interest in even Learning Islam. You don't force someone to learn about Islam, when you know there is this Good human in someone and the person wills to learn it properly, but when it comes to a Husband, someone you HAVE to live your entire life with and it can effect the children then there IS a time when you need to make your spouse understand what should he do.

I would have taken her steps as wrong if she were newly married or were married for 2 or 3 years, but she says, its 10 years now, and STILL he shows no interest!! you just can't compromise on Religion when you know your kid is now getting older, its his age to learn from his parents, now, if the parents are in such a situation of confusion.. regrading religion, I am afraid, the kid will grow up with such a confused personality! she can't even manage to live her life alone and bring him up without a father.. he has to know, who is father is and where his father is! I think, 10 years are too much and its her good decision to ask him whether he is taking this issue seriously or not, or else, it better for her to leave him.

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Re: Sad, angry and confuse

Im not saying she forced him to convert. I am saying she is forcing him to do things he needs to do on his own.

We teach people around us about Islam through our actions and manners...not by telling them how to live their lives.

65

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

Reha, i dont mind at all for your straight foward reply. i really need it.

I told our son that we dont celebrate Xmas because it is not our religion - my husband dont like it. he said why cant we celebrate xmas? I told him we can go to his brothers house but we can't buy xmas tree and decorate our house as we are a Christians.

I told our son we dont celebrate valentine days - but at school he can get celebrate it as to respect his friends

No ester and no halloween < -- only at school.

I want him to learn from early age what we can celebrate and what is not. people said its good to teach our kids at this age abt our religion. If I dont force him to do the right thing

Back to my husband. Since I dont want him to be Muslim on name, i try to explain to him why we cant put xmas tree in the house, why we cant have dog as a pets .. so many explaination so he can understand what is Islam is. If i'm not forcing him I'm worry one day our son will come back to me and say 'you cant force me to be muslim like you ..look at daddy you dont force daddy to pray, fasting etc"

66

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

If he converted i am hoping it was not only to marry her......so he shud be willing to learn more about the religion and follow it instead of waiting to be enlightened! Yes i think the OP needs to handle this situation better by not letting her anger get the better of her but i don't think her being concerned about this issue is wrong at all.

@ queen. well said.

67

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

let me ask you this - where did you two meet and how much did you two interact before falling in love? did he even understand the idea of what being a muslim meant, and what all you wanted him to do? coz it doesn't sound like he had any clue what you wanted of him, etc.

68

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

I have known people who converted and are good muslims than us!!
A religion is not a joke that you convert yourself in and get back to your religion when need to!
One should convert himself in Islam when he/she Learns Islam! Alas, this chinese Man never did!

I totally disagree to your first line, I am sorry, I have to, but the explanation is, when someone Learns Islamic rules, practices it, loves it, tries to imply it, and inspires by it & feels so good doing this all THEN he starts realising that there is SOMEONE Who runs this Universe, Then he takes interest in knowing it MORE and ONLY THEN, this last thing happens that he starts believing in ALLAH and finally converts to Islam!

Its not, he first converts to Islam and then learn it (ofcourse we do learn at every stage and a non-muslim would learn too after converting himself to our religion but I am here talking about the Essential Basics, like how would someone convert to Islam, unless Islam never inspired him) and I feel sorry for this person, he converted himself only because, he wanted to marry this girl!!

69

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

Yes Ma Mooli, you are right that is my main issue. If he believe in Allah that is more than enough. we been together for almost 12 yrs. if i forced him as what reha thought I been doing he will be gone long time ago.

70

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

but dear dont you think she has been doing it for last 10 years, why he never took interest?
and how would he do things on his own, unless he has no interest!
dont you think, there would have been times in her life when she tried to teach by her actions, I think even then he never took interest and there she thought to force him.. she can't manage to convert him to Muslim because it can be seen clearly, he doesn't want to, he only converted to get married to her! there are thousand Non-Muslims around, they get chance to live with Muslims too, real practising Muslims & Muslims who could teach them Islam by there actions, why only one or two out of thousands non-muslim convert to Muslim? why not rest? because the rest one never want to, they dont wish to! its just like that!

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Re: Sad, angry and confuse

thank you thank you Queen - you understand me very well. i need to read your post for another 20 times! i want to borrow some of your points when dealing with my husband tonight. I wish i can buy you a flower!

i appreciate all the feedback. really appriciate - may Allah bless you all.

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Re: Sad, angry and confuse

No dear, if someone believes in Allah, and doesnt follow His sayings, doesn't fast, doesn't pray and ALSO makes faces when you say I am going to pray.. and denies Holy Book Quran Paak saying its thousand years old book then I am sorry, he NEVER believed in Allah! Only Believing in Allah is NOT ENOUGH, when you love someone, you love doing what he says, same is the case in religion!

73

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

Ummm..so chinese malaysians are very respectful of muslim sentiments. Good for them. How are you reciprocating? By cheering a ban on moon cakes? I don't see any reciprocal respect for his traditions at all.
So you can't eat at chinese restaurants, presumably that's why your husband just took his parents along. Since you didn't have to go, why are you still objecting?

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Re: Sad, angry and confuse

its alright dear, I can feel the pain through your posts you are going through, May Allah give you patience to deal with it. Amen. If you are really concerned for your religion, for your Allah, don't worry, Allah is concerned about you too and will never let you down! Worries are the temporary part of life, if you bear them believing your Almighty, and still get no good results in Dunya, then don't worry..and be happy for how you will be blessed on the day of judgement! Amen.

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Re: Sad, angry and confuse

Okay Ain....so are you saying that your husband actually TOLD you that he doesn't believe in Allah or is that just a guess/assumption of yours?

If he said that he doens't believe in Allah at all....

1) Ask him why. Don't ask it in a defensive way..dont' be mean/judgmental about it. Just ask him. Have an open dialog. I'd be curious to know what he has to say. And then you can share your beliefs.....without forcing them....with him.

2) Explain to him that if he doesn't believe in Allah...and if he's firm in this belief of his....then according to Islam it renders your marriage invalid....any interactions you have (sex, etc) become a sin basically. Again, don't do it in a harsh way, just state the facts..as in the religious rulings. Explain your expecations ....and ASK him (without being defensive) what his expectations from a marriage are. Just have an open/non-judgmental discussion.

3) I don't know how effective this would be.....but take a break from him. Give him time and space to sort out his thoughts....and you use this time to do the same. But DEFINITELY STOP nagging him during this time. Your scolding/criticizing will only make things worse. Instead of losing your cool with him....display a sense of CALM and maturity when you give him space. This will surprise him because he expects you to (at this point) to get upset/angry at him. I think that part of his problem is that he feels stuck/overwhelmed by various things in his life/marriage. Freedom is important for guys and I think that one of the fears that many of them have is that marriage will take that freedom/autonomy away from them, so don't act in a way that makes him feel cramped. If he desires space...................you give him the galaxy and it'll be a good time for self-reflection for you. It'll help you both figure out what future steps need to be taken.

76

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

Ok. I think I’m well placed to answer this question. :stuck_out_tongue:

The answer is I would stay with them. You knew he was Chinese. Since you’re from Malaysia (I assume), you knew his traditions etc.

It’s pretty obvious he converted for love of you.instead of being appreciative and grateful and showing him how lovely life can be as a muslim with a muslim wife..you nag at him about eating at chinese restaurants, eating half-moon cakes and the like…

If you’re soo concerned about the lard, you should be going out and finding moon cakes without lard and bringing them home to him..that would work better than forbidding something.

You surely cannot have expected him to transform himself overnight.

If by BF agreed to convert. I’d walk on hot coals for him.. :frowning:

You don’t know how good you have it..

P.S I should make sure he doesn’t see this thread :naraz:

77

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

I think you are being too harsh on the OP. She is a practising muslim and she wants her husband to contribute to a similar environment at home. I know plenty of people in the UK who will not eat at non-halal restaurant because they also serve alcohol and pork, that is a personal choice and there is nothing wrong with it.

I think the OP was naive in thinking that because her husband was willing to convert for her, he would be willing to do the rest. I think it's clear that a muslim lifestyle is not really for him and I understand her concerns that he's probably different when with family. I know someone's husband who is not really 'into' Islam but he was happy to give up drinking, non-halal meat, and a non-muslim lifestyle to spend his life with her, so it's not unheard of. And this same guy, when he'd visit his parents and stuff they would be all 'you're not really a muslim, have a drink with us' etc, so there is that continual pressure.

Maybe the OP can live with it but she is right to be concerned for her son, if she wants him to grow up a practising muslim.

78

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

Queen: Finding out whether he believes in Allah is a good starting point to resolve their issues...But you have a point that all his actions indicate otherwise..

I dont think OP is at fault here for being duped, it is the guy's fault for deceiving her (if that is the case). 10 years is enough time, and he still is finding it difficult to be honest with her. This is a major issue here...finding out you've been lied to all this time by your loved one, is not easy to take in. Her stance is understandable to say the least.

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Re: Sad, angry and confuse

Ain...Its one thing to raise your child a certain way. You have the right and responsibility to mold him according to Islam. You don't have those same rights over other human beings. He is an adult with a mind of his own...he is not a child and you cannot mold him any way you want. Has it worked for the past 10 years? No, it has not. And it will not. It doesn't work the same way with an adult Ain as it does with a child.

This!

You have to show him a better way of life...some love.

80

Re: Sad, angry and confuse

why not iranian shop?