Re: reluctant husbands!!
He is just stringing you along. Really.
Re: reluctant husbands!!
Hi
Sorry I am a bit slow on responding to these threads
All I can say is that men in essence have the ability to compartmentalise things in such a way that I can easily justify that if they wish they can be so selfish and think only about themselves
I am from a conservative background and always always beleived that if I will never get into a relationship unless marriage is on the cards within a short period of time, and that it will be clear that it will be doen the right way
The point that I had been friends with him for 7 years and he knew my moral/social stance did nothing to deter him from what he wanted for his own selfish reasons. He knew I didn't believe in relationships out of marriage
He was a sweet guy, rarely fought with me and neither did I, Would buy me gifts but what hurt the most was when he realised that i was getting pressure from left right and centre and he would pretend that nothing was wrong so that when we talked he would pretend totally ignore it..
It got to the point that 2 years down the line he did not have the strength in him to say that he didn't want to get married and I had to break it off from him
What I realised later was that he made me feel guilty for asking things from him that I had a right to ask
His parents were over for holidays, he didn't introduce me to them
He would go to friends and would not tell them about me
He would not pick up the phone when I called but would call me when he was bored
He would get angry when I spoke to him about the future
I am glad that I was strong in regards to my views on marriage and relationships that meant I preserved my own dignity but still.....
In the end.. I knew that he would let ir drag as it was a long distance relationship and for my sanity I would have to make the decision of stopping contact.
I realised exactly a year later from when I stopped talking to him that he had a 1 month old kid and not sure what the situation but feels he was with the mother whilst he was in touch with me or soon after
Do I forgive him? no never.. do I pity him Yes! I think he will get his comeuppance some time soon
Was I at fault, hell yes! I saw the warning signs and I ignored them
Am I grateful now, Yes! Intensely grateful to ALLAH that he saved me from such a monster but I wished I hadn't wasted 4 years of my 20's either focused on him or going through the most wretched pain of losing my best friend/soul mate and realising he was a selfish example of a man
Things are better for me now and one thing is that when someone wants to be with you, he will do everything possible to be with you, he will marry you whatever his circumstances or ensure that he will marry you
I appreciate your situation is different and he has been burnt too but always remember to put yourself first, you can only truely love someone when you have respect for yourself
I've been with my bf for 2 years. And after 4 months of being together he told his mum, Not to look for rishta. That he wanted to marry me. (His mum said she always wanted me anyway, and even my dads uncle wanted him for me. ) :) Anyway if he really really wanted to marry you, he would never of got angry. He would of TALKED about it. always remember '' Dont make someone a priority, If they only make you a option. '' This is your life your talking about, Dont throw it away over a guy that wont even discuss a future. Its for your own peace of mind. Your 100% right for asking him. Never feel your not right.
Hit the nail on the head MB!
[quote="Confucius, post:302, topic:215918"]
Hi
Sorry I am a bit slow on responding to these threads
All I can say is that men in essence have the ability to compartmentalise things in such a way that I can easily justify that if they wish they can be so selfish and think only about themselves
I am from a conservative background and always always beleived that if I will never get into a relationship unless marriage is on the cards within a short period of time, and that it will be clear that it will be doen the right way
The point that I had been friends with him for 7 years and he knew my moral/social stance did nothing to deter him from what he wanted for his own selfish reasons. He knew I didn't believe in relationships out of marriage
He was a sweet guy, rarely fought with me and neither did I, Would buy me gifts but what hurt the most was when he realised that i was getting pressure from left right and centre and he would pretend that nothing was wrong so that when we talked he would pretend totally ignore it..
It got to the point that 2 years down the line he did not have the strength in him to say that he didn't want to get married and I had to break it off from him
What I realised later was that he made me feel guilty for asking things from him that I had a right to ask
His parents were over for holidays, he didn't introduce me to them
He would go to friends and would not tell them about me
He would not pick up the phone when I called but would call me when he was bored
He would get angry when I spoke to him about the future
I am glad that I was strong in regards to my views on marriage and relationships that meant I preserved my own dignity but still.....
In the end.. I knew that he would let ir drag as it was a long distance relationship and for my sanity I would have to make the decision of stopping contact.
I realised exactly a year later from when I stopped talking to him that he had a 1 month old kid and not sure what the situation but feels he was with the mother whilst he was in touch with me or soon after
Do I forgive him? no never.. do I pity him Yes! I think he will get his comeuppance some time soon
Was I at fault, hell yes! I saw the warning signs and I ignored them
Am I grateful now, Yes! Intensely grateful to ALLAH that he saved me from such a monster but I wished I hadn't wasted 4 years of my 20's either focused on him or going through the most wretched pain of losing my best friend/soul mate and realising he was a selfish example of a man
Things are better for me now and one thing is that when someone wants to be with you, he will do everything possible to be with you, he will marry you whatever his circumstances or ensure that he will marry you
I appreciate your situation is different and he has been burnt too but always remember to put yourself first, you can only truely love someone when you have respect for yourself/QUOTE]
My sis says that and also says u can only love someone and maintain a a relationship if u love urself- not in the big headed way but u knw what i mean ;-)
Hi Sorry I am a bit slow on responding to these threads
All I can say is that men in essence have the ability to compartmentalise things in such a way that I can easily justify that if they wish they can be so selfish and think only about themselves I am from a conservative background and always always beleived that if I will never get into a relationship unless marriage is on the cards within a short period of time, and that it will be clear that it will be doen the right way
The point that I had been friends with him for 7 years and he knew my moral/social stance did nothing to deter him from what he wanted for his own selfish reasons. He knew I didn't believe in relationships out of marriage
He was a sweet guy, rarely fought with me and neither did I, Would buy me gifts but what hurt the most was when he realised that i was getting pressure from left right and centre and he would pretend that nothing was wrong so that when we talked he would pretend totally ignore it..
It got to the point that 2 years down the line he did not have the strength in him to say that he didn't want to get married and I had to break it off from him
What I realised later was that he made me feel guilty for asking things from him that I had a right to ask
His parents were over for holidays, he didn't introduce me to them He would go to friends and would not tell them about me He would not pick up the phone when I called but would call me when he was bored He would get angry when I spoke to him about the future
I am glad that I was strong in regards to my views on marriage and relationships that meant I preserved my own dignity but still.....
In the end.. I knew that he would let ir drag as it was a long distance relationship and for my sanity I would have to make the decision of stopping contact.
I realised exactly a year later from when I stopped talking to him that he had a 1 month old kid and not sure what the situation but feels he was with the mother whilst he was in touch with me or soon after
Do I forgive him? no never.. do I pity him Yes! I think he will get his comeuppance some time soon
Was I at fault, hell yes! I saw the warning signs and I ignored them
Am I grateful now, Yes! Intensely grateful to ALLAH that he saved me from such a monster but I wished I hadn't wasted 4 years of my 20's either focused on him or going through the most wretched pain of losing my best friend/soul mate and realising he was a selfish example of a man
Things are better for me now and one thing is that when someone wants to be with you, he will do everything possible to be with you, he will marry you whatever his circumstances or ensure that he will marry you
I appreciate your situation is different and he has been burnt too but always remember to put yourself first, you can only truely love someone when you have respect for yourself
Your story should be a lesson to these girls on here. I am so glad you got away from him. I have always thought to myself no matter how much i love someone if they dont wanna marry me then thats it. I have been with my bf for 2 years but i dont mind because i'm only 20. I told him frm day one im only with you coz i wanna marry you. End of. If he doesnt marry me, I wont waste my time, i know it sounds harsh but i am never gonna waste my prime years over a guy.
I think our poster is in denial. His little story with his ex is just a gaurd tbh. My bf has had b*tch of a ex, But never thought i would do the same as she did. It doesnt make sense. Hes 27? Hows that a 'kid' Seriously give me strength!
Re: reluctant husbands!!
mixedbeauty......ummm he's not a kid but he was when he went through what he did......believe me its difficult as hell when u go through a relationship that puts that much pressure on u......i know ive seen it happen to lots of friends and been through it myself......as for him thinking i was the same as his gf believe me he doesnt.....but that doesnt mean that he isnt reminded of what happened the last time a girl mentioned marriage to him.....esp if the experience was that bad.....i mean if it was ure brother or any of ure cousins who were 27 but did not want to get married would u be this harsh? no u'd be pissed at his gf for pushing him into something he's not ready for....just remember that its easy to pass judgements when ure not personally invested in it but harder to do so when its a family member or even a friend of ures.....if girls have the right to have 'harsh' standards then so do guys! i'm 24 but i'm in no hurry to get married either.....as far as everything else goes my bf has also told me a million times that he wants to marry me and he knows i'm in this for the long haul.....doesnt mean that a year from now the situation will be the same.......who knows what could happen........
also when i'm ready to get married, if he;s not upto it, dont worry i wont be wasting my time either. i'll cut my losses.
^ Darling dont get offended, I thought you said his family laughed at him when he said he wants to get married, Or did i read it wrong was that about his ex?
If hes been with you for 2 years, He should know you inside out. And know your nothing like his ex and how she treated him. Your simply not like that. My brother was in a crappy relationship for 5 years, I never said anything to him, I adviced him, like im tryna advice you.
[QUOTE]
also when i'm ready to get married, if he;s not upto it, dont worry i wont be wasting my time either. i'll cut my losses.
[/QUOTE]
*Im glad to you hear that. Its good you have your head screwed on unlike some girls. *
Re: reluctant husbands!!
no offense taken......i'm sorry if it came across like that.....its just that i understand how he feels and that fear can be unreasonable sometimes....ppl who've been in bad relationships i think sometimes are a little cautious....no that laughing incident was all with his gf.....i think his parents would prolly pray a 1000 nafals if he told them now that he wants to get married.....lol.....our families are not involved at all in our relationship....we havent even met each others siblings actually.....and i think i'm going to miss this privacy when we're being scrutinized by every family member when the time comes.....
:)
Re: reluctant husbands!!
Inshallah it will work for you. And sorry for reading it wrong. Thats why i was pretty confused. Umm... Its best to keep the siblings till the rishta happens, trust me i made that mistake getting to no them b4 a rishta actually happend. Lol :)
I know someone who was in the exact same position as you...Fortunately she got out of it because she realized he was basically using her for the benefits he got out of it...and trust me he appeared to really care about her and treat her like a princess but whenever she discussed marriage he would get angry and annoyed... in the words of Beyonce : "If he liked it then he should've put a ring on it..."
Ok so i am confused here...even though your problem is sorted out...but i have one question you said its a long distance relationship for now, so is it like you're in London and he is in Pakistan or Karachi to Lahore? and if that's i.e. long distance is the case then how does he bring in food for you? lol sorry...i am just confused and curious...but hope everything turns out the way you want it to be :).
hey everyone......i just wanted to ask if anyone had an experience of a boyfriend or guy u liked who was reluctant to marry early even if he has a job?
my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 yrs and mashallah it has been amazing....we get along amazingly well mashallah and are crazy abt each other.....even better he is very sweet and very very caring....even after 2 years together he's the type to pick up food on a weeknight at 3 am because i'm hungry...and bring it to my place which is a 30 min drive from his....lol....i'm very lucky mashallah.....and we are both agreed on the fact that we do not want to marry young and in fact want to wait until we're both settled and can afford a nice house and stuff....lol.....but the thing is that i am not moving back to pakistan from london and we will be in a long distance relationship and his family lives in karachi while mine lives in lahore so even when he visits we wont be able to spend much time together which is a huge contrast from now.....where we spend a lot of time together.....mashallah we get along very well and love each others company......
long distance is hard so i suggested to him recently that maybe we shud think abt getting married in a year or 2. because the thing is he has been working for 5 yrs now and owns a house and car and stuff and lives a very comfortable life....its a different thing to support a wife but hez doing well enough that it wont be very hard....mashallah.....i'm not interested in getting married soon but i have also seen lots of relationships destroyed because of it......his response to my suggestion was very negative and he took it very badly saying that we had an agreement not to get married soon etc....we actually fought abt it......
i'm not worried abt the fact that he wont marry me soon because i'm in no hurry but i'm a little worried abt the strong way he reacted.....i wanted to know if anyone out there has had a similar expereince and shud i be worried....because i dont want to be in a relationship which has no future or someone who is not as committed as i am....i know that this guy is the man i wanna marry but i dont want to stay with him if he is so reluctant!! so plz any experiences???
Re: reluctant husbands!!
hahaha.....sorry for the confused rambling!! lol.....we are both in london rite now but i'm moving back to pk soon and thats when it'll be long distance.....he is settled in london.....
Re: reluctant husbands!!
hey guys......its been sometime since this thread but theres been a new development in the situation that i need advice on.....well after i spoke to my boyfriend abt the whole marriage thing and he agreed to talk to his parents in june i havent brought the topic up with him......for me just his willingness to do so was enough.....anyway i'm leaving for pk in a week and have been busy with packing and stuff.....a couple of days ago he told me that in june it would be better if he met my paarents first and if they approved of him then he would talk to his....he said he wanted my parents to meet him first and blah blah.....i thought that was really sweet and was glad....anyway i've been really exhausted from packing and stuff and didnt realise until today what that meant exactly.
the little idiot is actually trying to outsmart me.....heres why i think so:
i live in lahore and he lives in karachi.....he never ever visits lahore because he only gets 2 weeks off and wants to spend them with his friends and family.....the chances of him actually coming to lahore are slim to none......i also know that prolly at the last minute he'll make up some excuse to not come to lahore and i wont be able to say anything about it because its his vacation..
where approval is concerned dont i need to meet his parents and get approved by them?
approval from both our family's is not the issue.....my parents only care that the boy is educated and the family is good. and since my parents know about his family and approve of them and have suggested a few times that i consider him as a prospect i know they wont object......and the most important thing here is that SO DOES HE!!! he knows all of this.....
so basically ladies he's trying to squirrel out of our agreement and in a very cowardly way too....i actually wouldnt be this angry if he had been honest with me and said u know what i'm really not ready.....but by being underhanded he's lost my respect and i cant be with someone i dont respect....
now ive come up with a plan to deal with him.....i dont want to come right out and confront him for a few reasons:
he'll prolly deny it and come up with more lies to explain himself or attack me for not trusting him.....either way he might confuse me and it would just lead to me doubting myself which i dont want.
he may actually be sincere which i doubt but just in case he is i dont want to be the villain for doubting him.
therefore i need to catch him redhanded in his lies......which means that i let things go on the way they are and then 2 or 3 weeks before he;s about to come to pakistan i tell him that since he's about to come to lahore soon to meet my parents, i shud tell them all about him and tell them that i like him. and that he;s comign to meet them. if he;s sincere he wont mind that at all but if he's not he'll freak out and then try to change my mind.....at which point i'll break it off.
the other option i thought of was to break it off rite now and then let him explain himself but the fact of the matter is that we've been together for 2.5 years and we're best friends too.....and he's very clever and could easily just turn this around and try to manipulate my feelings for him which are veyr very strong...once i know for sure that he's just playing me and i catch him at it i can let go completely and will be able to move on.....i dont want to be questioning myself or my decisions somewhere down the line and wishing i had given him a chance.....so i'm going to give him his chance right now till june and then if he doesnt come up to scratch then he's gone.....
so thats my plan ladies......what do u think of it?
I just went through your whole story....Hmmmm...as far as i understood him from everything you explained, he is yet again tryin to just drag this thing and fool you around. What do you think even if you say that you'll tell ur family will he be bothered, if a guy is not serious he wont budge even if you get humilated infront of your parents so he may say that yeah go on let them know...n make an excuse to you later during his june visit that he cudnt make it to lahore....is ur family that influential that they'll drag him out of his home, i dont think so.....plus he is not a kid that he'll forget abt such an important issue he has to take for both of u!! Plus frm his past story it seems that his family has a strong hold on him n he cant take his decisions....God forbid what if after being with u for so long, smwhr in his heart he has realized that his family will not b in favor of having u as a 'baho' u knw how some families can b....
I guess its better to just check his level of commitment...here is according to me wht u shud do: just whn he has to leave for Pak show him ur happiness that this visit will b very special for u since he will meet ur family n u both will take ur relation a step higher....but after that do not discuss anything regarding this thing he has do, lets c, if he is committed and concerned about u, he will for sure make it to ur home...God forbid if not, then its ur turn, this will surely b n eye opener for you, leave him without explaining or making things harsh...dont say a word just disappear from this relation's scene...if he realizes he wud surely make a move to reach ur or his parents...otherwise u have to b strong to safe guard urself n stay away frm him strictly....dont let him use u emotionally!!
You're wasting your time dragging this and now trying to "catch" him in his "lie". It sounds like he's stringing you along....for whatever reason.
My personal advice to you is that when you leave for Pakistan, break up with him. Tell him that after 2 years, if he's not ready for you to meet his parents, then BOTH of you are wasting your time. Once you're in Pakistan, tell him to contact you when he's ready for you to meet his parents. If this guy loves you as much as you say he does, then he will take that next step asap b/c he won't want to lose you.
And if he doesn't contact you...well then you know just how strong his level of "commitment" to you is after 2 years.
Below is my personal experience:
My BF and I dated for 10 months. One day, he dissappeared. Things were going great between us (or so I thought)....but one day he just stopped returning my calls/texts. I left him a few voicemails....but when he didn't return my calls, I stopped pursuing him. All my guy friends told me to stop contacting him no matter how much it hurt.
3 months later, out of no where my BF called me. He apologized over and over and begged me to give him another chance. He didn't have a logical reason for leaving me...just that he was "going through stuff". I told him the only way I would get back with him is if he showed me he's serious about us (ie. marriage). I told him I will get back him...BUT if he doesn't tell his parents about me within 2-3 months, I will break up with him.
Approx. 2 months after us getting back together, he told his sister and parents about me. His sister lives in another state and we're planning a weekend trip soon so I can meet her/her family. Next step will be to meet his parents...hopefully sometime this summer (they also live out of town).
The point in my story is that if a man really wants to be with you, he'll come after you and do what it takes to keep you. All this "negotiatiating" and trying to catch him in his "lies" etc. is just high school drama.
Re: reluctant husbands!!
lol, i dont know much about your bf but... i definitely dont like him.
Re: reluctant husbands!!
he's playing games, and now so are you. if you're ready for marriage, handle the situation like a responsible adult. don't make accusations. say what you think and need. tell him if he is not in the same place in his life, it is better for the two of you to move on.
Um this whole thing is kinda shady. In my opinion if you love someone and they are your "best friend" then there shouldn't be any lies or drama going on. You don't need to keep playing this game back and forth.
You are moving back to Pakistan, this is an opportunity for you to get a fresh start in your life. So give him an ultimatim, that he makes a committment to meeting your family (like booking place tickets and planning a date) and requesting to meet his family before you leave, or just break it off. He's not worth all the drama if he keeps stringing you along like this.
Re: reluctant husbands!!
Distance yourself from him a little bit and see what happens.
If I were you, I would never bring it up again. Here is why:
You brought it up once and it ended up in an argument with no resolution.
Obviously, he doesnt want to get married or think about committing to you. Otherwise, your idea would have been met with happiness or at least given him some food for thought.
The thing is, men are actually very very simple creatures. They are nothing like women with double entendres and hidden motives. They say and do exactly what they feel. If he wanted to marry you, there is nothing stopping him.
No, I wouldnt invest anymore in this relationship...not even my time.
Re: reluctant husbands!!
The guy is just time passing.