wow....ure fiance sounds amazing mashallah!! i dont think he would mind getting engaged for a few years but the problem is my family.....they dont believe in engagements! and long distance engagement doesnt make sense.....just in case it doesnt work out there would a big hoopla....i'm not going to talk about this with him further.....hopefully once i move back and he sees how difficult it is he'll wise up himself and i guess the smartest thing to do would be to just wait it out.....and see how things stand in a year or so and then make a decision....if he feels just as strongly abt the whole thing even then.....i'll have to break it off and move on.....because i really do not want to be stuck in a situation with no future.....
Thanks! he is! :D
Hm.. your family doesn't believe in engagements?? What about nikkah?? And just not have the rukhsati until you guys feel like you are settled (even tho it is my personal opinion that that was a weak point for your bf to raise since he seems like he is doing fine). Nikkah is marriage and is something to be taken really seriously ...if the couple's intent is to be together forever... then it shouldn't be a problem for them to be apart for a few years and do a long distance thing. Girls do it all the time and it does work out if the intentions are legit on both ends. This is very common in our culture actually.
Hun - don't put a time limit on it (like i'll see in a year how things are). Just be more critical and analyze the relationship from this point on now that you have made YOUR intentions clear. It is odd and also unfair/disrespectful to you that he isn't willing to make a harder commitment to you after 2 years of dating. Especially at his age. As my fiance says - 2 years is PLENTY of time for one to make up their mind about whether they want to marry this person and be with them forever or not. Considering the time it takes to plan a wedding and such realistically.. it ends up being 2-4 years. That is plenty time. But yea... hopefully he will wisen up... and recant's his previous mentality. If you feel like there isnt any change... then get out of this relationship sooner rather than later and move on. The longer you stay in an "un-committed" relationship... the more you dig yourself in a whole that is harder to get out of later.
Especially be wary of the fact that his bro is 30 and not married yet. The younger bro probably obviously feels like there is no need/rush to get married. He'll wait and see when his bro gets married...then he will naturally feel more pressure to get married himself. But the sad thing is that he shouldn't even have to feel this pressure. But at this point that is what it looks like from your facts.
yeah ure right about the nikkah thing......but my family will never agree to that either......they come from very traditional backgrounds with no engagements....no long haans and when u get married u get the rukhsati done there and then......he does want to be with me forever.....i can tell that much from the time we spend together.....but he's unwilling to get married soon or be pressurized....thats what happened in his previous relationship where the girl made his life hell trying to get engaged before he had even completed his bachelors!! he refused saying that he wud do it in a year but she kept pushing him until she actually went nuts and started accusing him and his family of things like trying to fool her into waiting and stuff like thta.....he refused to lissen to crap abt his parents esp his mother and broke it off.....after that i think he's even more sensitive abt the whole situation and i cant blame him......also in his family all the men married either late or when they could easily support a wife and same wiht all the women....they all married men who were very settled or much older......and he's doing well mashallah but a wife would be an additional burden on him esp since he refuses to let his wife contribute to his household.....if he allowed that then we could even get married tomm because with our joint incomes we could live veyr very comfortably but he comes from the school of thought that his wife's money is her own and eveyrthing must be provided by him.....he's worth the wait defn but i dont want to wait unless i know this could actually get somewhere in the end and not by the time i'm 40!! :)
^ my family didnt believe in engagements either but when my BIL's proposal came and they liked him and decided to give my sis hand to him, they waited for 3 yrs after engagement. Tho a lil more detail about it is that BIL n his family stated at the time of enegagement that they ll do wedding after a year. Later that one year prolonged to 3 yrs time. anyways just saying that parents become flexible when it comes to marrying off their daughters specially. If you are sure that they will like your choice, then they will do everything to see you happy.
yeah ure right abt that......its just that i'm reluctant to cause my parents any sort f upset either.....theyve had a difficult few years with my sisters shaadi and the problems that followed afterward.....i'm sort of the peacemaker in the family and my parents rely on me not to create any sort of issues and i try to keep them to a minimum....lol....but i dont know....i guess i'll just have to try to talk to him and again.....i dont even need an engagement or anything.....just soem sort of gesture would be fine....we actually havent met each others families at all even siblings.....though that was due to logistical issues and not any reluctance on his part.....so i guess just meeting his siblings or parents just as a friend would be enough for me....to know that yeah he's serious about this.....tahnks anyways guyss....very sweet of all u to advise me on all this!! :)
i wonder how come you have kept it as secret for 2 yrs. Once I was in same situation and my mom figured out within few months lol may be i am too careless or dont know.
btw have you both met each other in real life ??? or is it an online thing :scared:
PunjabiRose.....i'm sorry i'm unable to reply to ure msg so i'll just do it here......my cousins mehndi jora was by a family friend Ammara who is based in karachi.....her wedding jora was by Faraz Manan of Rouge.....her jewelery was by Alliel (who are expensive but make the most gorgeous jewelery) the brides sisters earrings are also from there....they are absolutely beautiful....i'll try to find a pic where u can them properly.....ive borrowed them several times cuz they are amazing.....i would suggest buying only some jewelry from them and the rest from elsewhere......the makeup was done by Athar Shahzad......all of this is in lahore......if u need anymore info lemme know!! :)
I think you are in denial mode hun, take off those rose tinted glasses and see reality..
I’ve been there, done that
Burned the T shirt
If a guy gets resistant to marriage and says he does not want to marry you just yet or delays it, it means he is not committed and that just yet will turn into a “I’m going to keep shtum until she has had enough and leaves me”.. like his previous girlfriend
I am now in my 30’s having had followed a false promise, it worked out ok in the end as I met the sweetest person but it is not easy
Thankfully I got out much sooner than most women do but that doesn’t mean that you get over such a relationship quickly
Seriously what makes you think that he will marry you in your 30’s especially when he is aware of our social norms
My advice is to start keeping your distance and if he can’t commit then remember 4/5 years down the line he may not be with you
He was my best friend, I thought I knew his every thought, his every opinion..
Please don’t take this the wrong way, My friends and my experiences have not been great and maybe he is the one but no harm in protecting yourself a little
Confucius......no offense taken.....ure advice is very sensible....it is better to get out earlier rather than later......i guess i'll discuss this further with him and see how he reacts.....to be fair this topic has only come up once between us.....i guess i shudnt judge him based on one conversation.....i'll talk to him again and see how he reacts......i'll update everyone when i do......hopefully he'll be smart enough to react better this time...lol
wow Confucius, I am curious.. do you know where he is now? Did he end up marrying someone else? How did you end it? Did he ever realize what he did to you? What kind of a person was he? I mean did he come from a respectable background, good family, education, etc. I've been watching my friend go through something very similar and I'm really worried for her. I just don't understand why a seemingly decent guy would mess around with a girl for so long when he really doesn't want to marry her. He knows the religion and social norms perfectly well if not better than her, and they have so many mutual friends and are even acquainted with each other's family members i.e. siblings, cousins, etc. Why do guys do that and why is it so hard for them to do what's right?? Sorry about all the questions, it just boggles my mind. :/ I don't know what to tell her because i know she's extremely attached to him. And he treats her will and everything.. but he is so hesitant to tell his parents! But the rest of his family knows her and they love her and they say his parents would love her.. for some reason he's just so scared to take the step. I really hate watching her stress over it because she does so much for him..
Her advice is good… and I am glad that you have decided that you WILL discuss this with him further and see how he reacts. In an earlier post u mentioned u didn’t want to bring it up again and just see how things pan out a year from now. So I am glad you say this! Very smart of you - its your life and he may have reasons and excuses for his behavior and actions… but always remember: you have YOUR reasons for your behavior and actions. Sounds like you are from a traditional family… he needs to respect this about you!!! That is great that guys in his family got married much later /when they are older. But what about your family??? Especially since they dont even know he exists, a time will come will they start suggesting rishtay for you u know? It is only natural for our culture. If he really wants to be with you, he will take some initiative so that he doesn’t loose you.
And getting parents involved is honestly the best thing. Usually this is the next natural step for someone that has been in relationship for as long as you guys have. As I said - it legitimizes the relationship completely. When one gets parents involved … the guy and girl both.. they do it because they basically know that “THIS IS IT”. The fact that you are nervous about getting your family involved… shows me that you dont trust your BF and his intentions. You think that there is a chance that things might not work out and u want to protect your family from that. Take these subconscious feelings and really analyze them. There is no reason u should be feeling this way after 2 years. It shows insecurity .. it stems from the fact of how he reacted. And I understand that he went thru a similar thing with his ex girlfriend… but that is a crap reason hun. Because you are YOU … you are not that girl. It is a different situation and circumstance. If he wants to be with YOU …then he would not hestitate. Plus that was in undergrad u say??? lol well obviously he was going to be freaked out. That is normal. But at age 27 after 5 years of working… that does not fly at all. Not at all.
Definitely keep us updated and never hesitate to ask for advice!!!
Thank you SO much for this information!!! Ahhhhhh I am so not surprised that her wedding jora was by Faraz Manan of Rouge!!! Another dress I liked was also by them… both were the same gorgeous red shade.
Did your cousin have a good experience with the customer service with Rouge?
@ Confucious - I'm sorry you had to go through that :( I can't even imagine. But sounds like you were smart about how you handled it. MashAllah I am glad that you met the perfect guy and that everything worked out for you. :)
He's 27 with his own house and earns money.. Erm.. What else does he need? whats he waiting for? Seriously why was he so angry when you mention'd it? i dont get it? How long are you gonna wait? Please talk it thru with him again, and think with your head not your heart. I mean what makes you think he'll marry you when your 30?!? I'm not tryna burst your bubble.. but if his brother is 30 and not married.. I think you got along wait ahead of you. Or he might even go for a younger girl? Dont get offended im just tryna shed some light. I've seen this happen, My best friends cousin was with her bf for 6 years and got in her 30's and he never married her so instead she had to married someone from back home because she cudnt be botherd starting a relationship all over again. (plus the age) Think it through properly.
I've been with my bf for 2 years. And after 4 months of being together he told his mum, Not to look for rishta. That he wanted to marry me. (His mum said she always wanted me anyway, and even my dads uncle wanted him for me. ) :) Anyway if he really really wanted to marry you, he would never of got angry. He would of TALKED about it.
always remember '' Dont make someone a priority, If they only make you a option. ''
This is your life your talking about, Dont throw it away over a guy that wont even discuss a future. Its for your own peace of mind. Your 100% right for asking him. Never feel your not right.
hey everyone!! i actually wanted to update u guys further on the situation.....i spoke to him again and his reaction was similar but less negative.....i told him that we should take a break because i dotn want to be stuck in a situation where theres no future.....anyway i think that freaked him out and first he got angry that i was giving him ultimatums etc.....but i sat down with him and we talked for a long time and i explained my side to him......and he finally understood a little bit and also accepted that he's a little unreasonable abt this entire situation because of his previous experience and has this fear of being pressured like he was before.....bechara he also went into great detail abt the previous girl....and told me stuff that he hadnt mentioned before because he didnt want to malign her too much.....and let me tell u guys, she was crazyy......she actuallly abused his family and esp his mom which is why he broke up with her finally......even before that he took almost 2 yrs of abuse from her......but finally couldnt anymore.....the breaking point was this.......he had finally given into her pressure and spoke to his parents abt her and his parents laughed their heads off...lol.....they were like ure a kid in uni....are u nuts.....u cant get married for a while.....anyway he kept arguing wiht them and tried to get them to take a rishta to her house but they refused.....esp his mom cuz she was like how can i offer marriage if my son hasnt even graduated or working yet.....my son cant even support his wife etc.....anyway he understood his mothers point of view and explained it to the girl as well who was understanding for a few mnths but then started pressurizing him again.....his cousins wedding was coming up and the girl wanted to attend so he asked his mom if she can and her mom said absolutely not....this is a family function and we havent offered for her yet and it'll cause gossip and stuff......when he told the girl this she went mad abusing him and his mom and his fmaily calling them liars and cheats and lots of other really bad stuff......anyway they broke up but then she came back saying she was really sorry and stuff and even though he didnt like her anymore he felt that he had made a commitment (he was really young...lol) and so he shud try again......but just 2 weeks later she started off again abt marriage etc and he knew he had to break it off.....and that was it.....the reason behind her obsession was pressure from home esp from her mom who wanted to get her maried off when she was 16 to a much older cousin but her dad stopped it.....she kept telling my boyfreind that unless he offered for her.....she wud be married off immediately......however its been 3 years and she isnt married yet!!! infact a year ago she met him at a party and then later texted him to ask that if she agreed to wait a year, would he be willing to marry then? lol.....he told her that he was with someone else and no way! lol......so he's had a bad experience with girl's pressurizing him and i guess thats why he was so sensitive abt the whole thing....anyway to end the longgg story after we spoke he agreed that this coming june when goes back home he will tell his parents and I will tell mine that we like each other and then we'll take it from there....slowly cuz neither of us are in a hurry......yayy!!! lol.....anyway just wanted to let u guys know!!! thanks again for all the advice!!!
PunjabiRose......i asked my cousins abt Faraz Manan and he's really sweet apparently....he was very new when my cousins got their clothes made so his prices were very reasonable.....my cousins wedding gown was actually just 1 lakh!! which is amazinggg....but now the same gown would be far more expensive.....but he's reallly nice.....cuz my other cousin the brides sister also got her clothes made by him.....she's the one in green.....and at the time she didnt want to pay soo much for a shalwar with work on it because it was too formal to wear to other shaadis and wudnt really be used so he actually loaned her the shalwar for her sisters wedding and made her a plain one.....which was very sweet of him! hope that helps!!
Thanks for your response hun!!! I asked you specifically about the customer service because I know a girl who had a horrible experience with them. Her shaadi and waleema jora was made by them and even tho they came out good - the process of getting them made was a nightmare. I also read some not so good things about their customer service in this thread here: http://www.paklinks.com/gs/wedding/310137-bad-experiences-designers-share-your-story-here.html
But I am glad your cousins had a good experience??? DId they know the designer personally by any chance or someone recommended them??? Or were they just random customers???
Thanks for the update and wow I am so glad that you had another talk with him!! It is a very important issue and must have been on your mind alot! Sounds like he really realized how serious you were about this. And yea as I mentioned before… it sucks that he had such a bad experience in college… but that was a different kahani. His kahani with yours is different and he is in a much more secure and legitimate position in life now. He should not let his past affect his present decisions so much … so I am glad that some major headway was made and looks like things are moving in a more positive direction with you guys now!! I wish you two the best of luck!
my cousin (the bride) and her mom spent around a month going from designer to designer and they were told by someone abt faraz.....my cousin liked the design for this dress and ordered it almost a year in advance....i think thats why they had no problems...her fittings were done in the last month....but like i said he was new at the time so he didnt have that many customers.....my other cousin, the brides sister had actually gotten a different dress made but she didnt like how it turned out 2 weeks before the wedding and then went to faraz, saw the green shalwar kameez and loved it....and he made it for her in literally a week.....she was getting fittings done even on the day of the wedding....lol...but he was very good there......he made sure he was there and stood there over the darzi's head until it was perfect.....so my cousins are full of praise for him.....since then theyve gotten other clothes made by him as well and he's been good....but they also became good freinds with him so maybe the good cutomer service has to do with the friendship.....lol.....
thank you for the wishes PunjabiRose and the advice!!! i would never have taken this step if it werent for everyones help.....and i'm so glad i did!!! i'm in no hurry to get married or even engaged but i feel really secure knowing that atleast he will tell his parents because for him thats a big commitment since his last experience telling his parents.....it makes the thought of long distance much more bearable!!
Seteil, I'm really happy that things have worked out, his experience does sound awful. But I'm really happy for you. Congrats and Goodluck :) May Allah bless you and your bf Inshallah :)
Ahhhhhh I am so not surprised that her wedding jora was by Faraz Manan of Rouge!!! Another dress I liked was also by them… both were the same gorgeous red shade.