relationship dillema

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: relationship dillema

^ I don't agree. Being angry with someone and telling them you will beat the crap out of them, is a tad extreme...whether that person means it or not. It's quite a violent and horrible thing to say imo. I would never lash out in violence if i found out a sister of mine had done what the OP had. No one has the right to hit another, regardless of who they are to you.

62

Re: relationship dillema

First of all, repent to Allah swt and ask Him to help you get out of this situation.

Secondly, so far you made all the decisions and you regret them. Let your family make the decision this time around and listen to them.

Instead of reading pages and pages of advice here, pls listen to your parents.

63

Re: relationship dillema

^This.

And is dunya main achai log abhi baqii hain. Why do you girls go for losers as such anyway?. I mean least you could find is someone who is honest, dedicated and hard-worker. No-one likes bum which unfortunately your "bf" is. Secondly, i am not going to comment on what you did or not. All i have to say is, you are still young and dunya abhi khatam nahi hui. You will get over him.

64

Re: relationship dillema

From reading/listening to someone's heartfelt confession, one can kind of tell which way theyre leaning towards. Your only 20 and it's nice to see that you're identifying things that you see as road blocks in the future. Look at how many negative things you've mentioned so far, you need to get the hell out of this relationship! You've made your mistake and it's ramzan, take this opportunity to repent and move on from this mistake you've made. Ask Allah swt to put a thick black drape over your past and allow no one to ever be able to reveal it.

As mentioned by many members of this forum, this guy and his family will never change. His family doesn't look like they would ever be able to respect your views or opinions on things at all since their lifestyle is completely against what you believe in. Breaking up from a long-term relationship will suck for sure, you will be quite upset and will miss him. But let me tell you, it will be worth it! think of it this way: the longer you stay with this douche bag, the less time you'll be spending on building your own foundation (i.e. education, career, etc) AND your future husband.

65

Re: relationship dillema

Thank you so much for the honest feedback everyone, really appriciate it and needed it. First off, my bf has completely changed since we became official as I said before, he is a very hard worker, and he takes care of his whole family bills and he is very honest, he does respect me and he is geniunely a very caring person towards me and his family. His issues with my social life really bother me, I used to be a very independent person, and now I am emotionally dependant on him. His family is just plain wierd i am scared that somehow he is going to be like them. Yes I repent the sin I've committed but don't you guys think it would be a bigger sin to walk out and leave him? I would feel like a complete slut who got her pleasure and walked out afterwards. he loves me, cares for me, and wants to be with me. I dont think I can change the few things in him, and definitely not his family at all. And say if I do breakup with him, who will marry me? I cannot tell my parents they are not in the condition to bear this fact at all and nor will be ever. Oh, and he is not the kind who would blackmail my parents and stuff or go around and tell people of what we've done. He doesnt have any friends at all to start off with so I dont know anyone who he would tel. Once again thank you for the honest replies. I really did need a third person opinion.

66

Re: relationship dillema

Wow so now....he's a good guy?

And the life cycle of a crappy relationship continues.

67

Re: relationship dillema

If you weren't so troubled, you wouldn't have come here for an advice. I can understand where you are coming from but you need to look at your life and what you want from it. Is he the most important person in your life? Is he someone you can't live without? Are you willing to give up whatever he says for him for the rest of your life? Is he even worth it? His family may not seem like an issue right now but once you start living with them, you are going to have issues. If you want to marry this guy, you gotta get financially independent and live away from his family. It's SO important. I can relate to your story somewhat and that's why I said previously some people DO change but you shouldn't expect them to change. Are you willing to take that risk? If he is as responsible as you say he is, you have to continue pushing him to do better. You have to keep reminding him that if he sees his future with you, he needs to do better. BUT do not depend on him. I am sure you go to school, continue going to school and don't marry the guy until you can support yourself. Once you know you can support yourself, little things won't be an issue.
Some people aren't just cut out for school and I get that. Like I said if you can support yourself even that won't be an issue.

AND DO NOT LIVE WITH HIS FAMILY IN THE SAME HOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE PRESSURES YOU INTO IT! DO NOT DO IT! If you want this relationship to work, you have to make him understand how important THIS is to you. Give him the ultimatum that if he wants you, he has to listen to you.. You will at least then know how important you are to him! Do not sacrifice your life for him. You can do so much better! You come from a great family and you have such a bright future ahead of you..Woh kehte hain na pyar to gadhay bhi hojata hai.. You don't see it right now but you will see it so clearly once you are out of this problem. it's better to remember your mistake and laugh about it than to remember you made a mistake and realize your life is the result of that mistake.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for young women to become financially independent before they get married. As long as you have your life in control, you should be fine. Being financially independent secures your future against a lot of things that can go wrong in a marriage. Good luck!

68

Re: relationship dillema

Erm, if you leave, YOU'RE the one who's using him for sex....that's what he's said to you right?

Go back to your first post where you said:

[QUOTE]

The thing is we have a little age dif, im 20 and he is 25. Now during the time period of 3 years on and off I was crazy over him. I guess its because he didnt give me much attention and treated me like crap. He was with other females and what not. All he would ask was to spend the night with him. I refused and would change the topic as much as I could but then came a day that I lost it and had to give up to his begging, and to prove to  him that I really do love him and will do anything to get him( I lost my morals and went to a real low point, I lost self respect for myself that day). I was still not given enough attention but he didnt cheat on me and was honest after that.
[/QUOTE]

Does this sound like someone who'll be heartbroken because the gril he had sex with broke up with him? I doubt it.

and to answer your question NO its not a sin to walk out and leave him....I wonder where did you hear this from?

Everyone else has given you really good advice--in the end it's YOUR choice to stay with him or leave him....as the saying goes, the writing is on the wall.

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Re: relationship dillema

[QUOTE]
I cannot stress enough how important it is for young women to become financially independent before they get married. As long as you have your life in control, you should be fine. Being financially independent secures your future against a lot of things that can go wrong in a marriage. Good luck!
[/QUOTE]

I agree with that totally! And you would be surprised how many girls who live abroad in a land of complete opportunities do not avail them by not studying teritary and becoming financially independent! It's so important in this day and age..

And no, it's not about taking control of the relationship you have as a married couple, it's more for your security and for your well being! If there is one thing no one can take away from you it's your education!!

70

Re: relationship dillema

"He doesn't have any frriends at all to start off with?" Yikes. Isn't that a bit telling as well?

He treated you like crap BEFORE he slept with you. He treated you like dirt AFTER you slept with him. He even disrespects you now by monitoring your social life in such a controlling way. But you just don't want to see the disrespect that's staring you in the face. So, what's the point in seeking for advice when you're not open to listening? I think what you want us to do it to give our approval for marrying him.

Err...why would it be a bigger gunnah if you left him? He's not your husband......he's a boyfriend...a relationship not supported by Islam. You seem to have this notion that just because you gave your virginity to him....that he's a keeper. Women tend to have a more emotional connection with sex. But a woman can do it the halal way and have sex for the first time after marriage....and even that doesn't necessarily mean she should stay in the relationship especially if it's a toxic one. If you marry this guy and end up being miserable.......at that point.....it's going to matter very little that you slept with him.....by then you'll wonder what the hell you got yourself into.

71

Re: relationship dillema

fine hide it, but for how long? what do you suggest when she is getting married to someone else?
[/QUOTE]

i had the same question in my mind when i read some of the replies.

what if she is getting married to somone else and he finds out , then what?

72

Re: relationship dillema

wat if he find out on the wedding night? then what?

73

Re: relationship dillema

For the sake of discussion, it's a nice thing to discuss but in real life you take thigns one at a time.
I know in a bad situation like this, focusing on the details and "what ifs" can keep someone trapped in that same situation...but one should be able to see a clear bigger picture.

Since the act has already occurred....there's no use thinking about hypothetical situations...you cross that bridge when you get ot it.

74

Re: relationship dillema

If you're referring to the absence of a hymen....then that's not necessarily an indication of being a virgin. Some women are born without one and you need not have sex to break it either.

75

Re: relationship dillema

The world has modernized way too much, i truly live in a dug out :(

76

Re: relationship dillema

LoL ! you are really in a mess but i guess you should talk to him directly about all the stuff you want him to do, if he agrees then he truly loves you if not MOVE ON ,,,, you got lot of choices !

77

Re: relationship dillema

la hawla wala quwwat ...... who taught your basics???????

to OP.... am i the only one who thinks you should get married to him ....since from your second post he seems to be a good guy then why not get married and give it a try?? ....
...btw, dont call it 'love'.... they say love is blind and you ('you' in general) dont find faults in him/(in his family) and aim to change the whole world for him and all those blah blah dialouges but in your case YOU seems to find tons of issues with him/his family and even concerned about your future kids ... so yeah thats tells me you are quite practical girl and just want to being physical him through proper channel..... so get married, it may work for you ...who knows...

78

Re: relationship dillema

i give up

79

Re: relationship dillema

dude marry is not about giving a try

you are not in some store and trying on a pair of jeans u may like...............

80

Re: relationship dillema

oh yes marriage is...it is gambling.... it is about giving it a try.... and trying tyring trying through your married life....