So I’ve been reading on gupshup for quite some time, and today decided to make an account and ask for a little help from you guys.I need some genuine advice from you guys, and please dont bash me for doing unislamic things as I already feel horrible. I have been in a relationship with this guy for one year (officially) and like 3 years on and off. The thing is we have a little age dif, im 20 and he is 25. Now during the time period of 3 years on and off I was crazy over him. I guess its because he didnt give me much attention and treated me like crap. He was with other females and what not. All he would ask was to spend the night with him. I refused and would change the topic as much as I could but then came a day that I lost it and had to give up to his begging, and to prove to him that I really do love him and will do anything to get him( I lost my morals and went to a real low point, I lost self respect for myself that day). I was still not given enough attention but he didnt cheat on me and was honest after that. I went to college with his sister, and she randomly used to tell him about me and how me and him would make a perfect couple, but he didnt tell her that we were already dating. On my sister’s wedding last year in august I invited her and her mom. They came, and his family loved me, and I was very happy. Then his mom invited my family for dinner and my we went. My mom kind of had an idea what her mom’s intentions were and she didnt mind till we went to their house. Its not like their was dirty but it was a MESS! they had old furniture, most of it looked like stuff bought off of garage sales, and it was just a mess, they had no sense of maintaining a house. And then his dad was just wierd, or maybe my family is too coservative, but he was wearing a sleeveless shirt sitting in the middle of a bunch of females browsing indian music channels(we find it really wierd).My family was really put off with after that day. I couldnt obv tell my boyfriend what my family had felt, i didnt want him to feel bad. Then he sent his mother and sisters over to ask for my hand regardless of me telling him its too early let them get to know each other. And his mom asked for my hand and my mother was just in a state of shock, and she rudely said no, my father wouldnt agree and he has already seen someone for me. that was that for the rishta part, but after that our relationship became official, we were official dating(as of not hiding from people about it) and his parents know aswell. then later I came to know of that his sister got a divorce after a failed love marriage and two kids, and the husband was the biggest chichora, and alcoholic. this just made me very scared cause his family is just plain wierd to me, they are so open about talking sex and stuff to each other(even the mom) it disgusts me, maybe its just me since my family is very conservative, and then his sis is divorced, his lil bro is like 18 a high school drop out and he drinks alcohol. I’m not sure what to make out of that family. moving on, he started tellign me how he hates my friends and doesnt want me around them. He has all my passswords, access to my fone statement, and what not. when i ask him for reasons why he doesnt like my friends and makes stupid statements like they are bad girls who go to hooka bars and have male friends and blah blah but when i point out how him bro and sis do the same he says I just dont liek it and im not like that and im not going to allow you to be liek that. well I did, I dont have a social life anymore and its making me depressed by day. he keeps argueing of why my parents have not yet agreed ,and how I dont try to make them agree to our relationship but I have nothing to say my parents are going to take their time, as I;ve already told them i’m only going to marry him. One day though I blew up on him and told him that how can i force them to agree when you dont have a proper job. He used to work at an office but then bills grew and he quit and started driving taxi. He has no education after high school at all, ive been begging him to join school and he promises he will but when its time to register something always comes up thanks to his family and he doesnt have the money. Im horrifed of what to do. Sometimes I just want to leave him but I’m so attached to him that I find it really hard. then guilt that ive given him my body also stops me from breaking up. but when i look ahead in our future I just see wierd stuff, I dont want my kids to be associated with his family at all. We love each other but the factt that he is so overprotective of me and doesnt let me socialize puts me off (ima a very social person) im just depressed. Ive many times thought of breaking up but I know that he will be shattered and I know he will waste his life in even a more horendous way.hes changed alot and hes a great person, not like his family. What do you guys think? thanks in advance.
Re: relationship dillema
if you were my sister i would beat the crap out of u
Re: relationship dillema
^ Oh cuz that's exactly what she needs to hear right now.
Re: relationship dillema
exactly
look at the mess she has put herself into and doesnt wanna fix it
if someone doesnt listen you say it nicely first time second time third time, but the fourth time you shout
^ Oh cuz that's exactly what she needs to hear right now.
Re: relationship dillema
So you want to go against your parents wishes, marry a taxi driver who is controlling, who comes from a family that does not follow any traditional desi/Islamic values, and who already disrespects your parents? If you marry him, his mother and father will be your children's grandparents. Your kids WILL be exposed to their morals/values. His family is not hiding their "true selves" from you. He's also not lying to you about the kind of future he'll give you as his wife.
Read this line very carefully and let it soak in: He and his family will NOT change. No matter how much you beg him, plead with him, and pray for it........he and his family will NOT change.
There really is nothing for us to say to you. You have all the facts about the guy and his family. So now YOU need to decide how you want to spend the next 50 years of your life. And what kind of father and grandparents you want for your children.
Re: relationship dillema
The writing is on the wall.. Put your glasses on and read it.. You’re marriage is doomed from the start! if this is how you feel now.. 2 years down the line when the honeymoon is over, man you’re going to be in trouble
If I were you, let your parents find you a good guy who will love you and respect you
Do astagfaar and pray ALLAH to find you a man who will bring you closer to your deen 
Re: relationship dillema
i'd just say 'WAKE UP' ..this isn't some Indian movie going on where love conquers all and they all live happily ever after !
:/
Re: relationship dillema
if you were my sister i would beat the crap out of u
Oh, you're such a big man aren't you, you get your jollies from hitting women? Your parents must be so proud of you. Jungli aadmi, laanat hai tum pe.
To the O.P. Listen, what is done is done, but it sounds like you already have all the alarm bells going off and that you already KNOW that this thing is going nowhere. Like someone already said, this guy and his family are NOT going to change. You have made the mistake of giving him yourself, oh well, get over it and move on. You KNOW there's no future with him, it's time you end it NOW and move on, don't drag this on. Change your passwords NOW without telling him, do it immediately. Get away from him NOW.
If you don't, you WILL end up in a terrible co-dependent, really depressing life with this guy and his awesome family. RUN!
Re: relationship dillema
if you were my sister i would beat the crap out of u
And What IF it was your brother whom she is dating? :)
Re: relationship dillema
think before you speak aahmed
i am not a big man
i dont get jollies from hitting women
and my parents are proud of me
i am not jungli either
obviously you dont know a thing about me and you didnt even try to understand what i meant
so listen dude i considered her my sister before i wrote that comment, and obviously it was in no way in any literal sense
let me put it in plain words for you if i tell my sister: "i will beat the crap out of you" = "GET IN YOUR SENSES@@@"
and seriously its ramadan and you are abusive
oh and last thing, please read my signature
Oh, you're such a big man aren't you, you get your jollies from hitting women? Your parents must be so proud of you. Jungli aadmi, laanat hai tum pe.
Re: relationship dillema
I guess it's because he didnt give me much attention and treated me like crap.
He was with other females and what not.
All he would ask was to spend the night with him.
My family was really put off with them after that day.
It just made me very scared because his family is just plain wierd to me,
They are so open about talking sex and stuff to each other(even the mom) it disgusts me, maybe its just me since my family is very conservative, and then his sis is divorced.
His lil bro is like 18 a high school drop out and he drinks alcohol.
He started telling me how he hates my friends and doesnt want me around them.
He has all my passswords, access to my fone statement, and what not.
I dont have a social life anymore and its making me depressed by day.
He used to work at an office but then bills grew and he quit and started driving taxi.
He has no education after high school at all.
When I look ahead in our future I just see wierd stuff, I dont want my kids to be associated with his family at all.
The fact that he is so overprotective of me and doesnt let me socialize puts me off (I'm a very social person)
I've many times thought of breaking up but I know that he will be shattered and I know he will waste his life in even a more horrendous way.
I'm just depressed.
Are you sure *you don't know* what to make out of that family??!!! **If so, please reread your own words in quotes!
if you were my sister i would beat the crap out of u
**
**What a gem!
Re: relationship dillema
Okay peoples, question for you all to consider when giving OP advice.
This guy wants to marry this girl and he is seriously pushing her to make the committment and get her family to agree to the wedding, The guy seems to be a Grade-A creep IMO, based on his actions thus far, so what happens if he threatens to tell her family about the fact that they had a physical relationship? Granted, the guy might not be so vindictive, but what if he says/does as much - what or how should she handle the risk of it?
Re: relationship dillema
see if i write something harsh you (by default) think i am on the bad side
for mere clarification: if it was my brother, i still (still meaning i fyi am on her side in this case too) would take her side without any doubt. i will still put her to senses for following him and w/e because i would care for her. and i will teach him a good lesson to stay away from her even if he is my brother.
does this clarify your confusions?
And What IF it was your brother whom she is dating? :)
Re: relationship dillema
The only thing that is making you stay with him is the fact that you were physically intimate. Get over it and get out.
Edit: Good point from Sehrysh though. You will need to be prepared for the fallout but better than putting a sentence on the rest of your life.
Re: relationship dillema
Okay peoples, question for you all to consider when giving OP advice.
This guy wants to marry this girl and he is seriously pushing her to make the committment and get her family to agree to the wedding, The guy seems to be a Grade-A creep IMO, based on his actions thus far, so what happens if he threatens to tell her family about the fact that they had a physical relationship? Granted, the guy might not be so vindictive, but what if he says/does as much - what or how should she handle the risk of it?
He tells her family that she has sex with him. What is her family going to do? Kill her?
Based on what OP has written about the guy and his family.....it's pretty obvious that her life will be miserable if she marries him. She is already going against her families wishes by continuing with this relationship.
IF her future children grow up to be just like this guy/his family....what is she going to tell herself to justify that and deal with that guilt? That its ok b/c she wasn't responsible/brave enough to face the consequences of her own actions (ie. marry him b/c he threatened to tell her parents she slept with him).
IF he chooses to tell her family that she slept with him....of course her family will be furious, hurt, angry etc.....all those are expected emotions. There will be plenty of yelling/crying from her mom/dad. But I highly doubt that they will advertise the fact that their daughter slept with the guy. Assuming her family isn't the psychotic type that believes in honor-killing.......eventually they will get over it. OP is only 20.....she will still have the potential to meet a guy who will treat her with respect and whose family is more compatible with hers.
1) Option A: Marry this guy and have a guaranteed miserable future (lets not even get started with future children in this mess).
2) Option B: Get this guy out of OPs life and move on. Even IF the guy decides to blackmail her and tell her parents about their sex life....OP still has the potential to find a good man and have a happy life.
Re: relationship dillema
see if i write something harsh you (by default) think i am on the bad side
for mere clarification: if it was my brother, i still (still meaning i fyi am on her side in this case too) would take her side without any doubt. i will still put her to senses for following him and w/e because i would care for her. and i will teach him a good lesson to stay away from her even if he is my brother.
does this clarify your confusions?
Well yes, thanks.
Actually when i read your post, i could tell that you were not saying that in literal sense (that's why the like) but i just had to confirm.
Re: relationship dillema
see i thought about this aswell i also thought about the fact that if things get really ugly she may have to get police protection considering she is up against this kind of household
but the fact remains she has to get rid of him asap
Okay peoples, question for you all to consider when giving OP advice.
This guy wants to marry this girl and he is seriously pushing her to make the committment and get her family to agree to the wedding, The guy seems to be a Grade-A creep IMO, based on his actions thus far, so what happens if he threatens to tell her family about the fact that they had a physical relationship? Granted, the guy might not be so vindictive, but what if he says/does as much - what or how should she handle the risk of it?
Re: relationship dillema
What is done is done. Move on with your life, he isn't worth it.
May Allah guide you and forgive you. Ameen.
Re: relationship dillema
People don't change...remember that.
Re: relationship dillema
I respect your emotions but they wun last for rest of your life. you are emotionally attached with this guy for no reason .. but no sooner you guys will start living together .. you will find lots of other differences and one day they will grow huge and can turn into worst.
make yourself strong and stop thinking about him. a healthy marriage life needs trust/honesty PLUS a decent family at the back.