Re: Red Flag?
Chase your dreams then, no need to get married just yet.
Re: Red Flag?
:P
I don't mind the other question, just trying to dig out my finances, as a first question, is pretty pathetic, I've got nothing to prove.
I guess it's just the way you've been brought up at the end of the day, I know of some people that are constantly maintaining an image and need to prove to themselves and others that they are able to maintain this image, must be a similar bunch.
Yoda - you are making the mistake that all guys in this process make - they forget this is about marriage and someone giving their daughter to you.
They dont give a flying monkeys bottom whether you like football and cricket.
I know this strikes a chord with most desi guys that are new to the process (same thing happened to the guy I spoke about and he decided to vanish) but you have to understand that it's someone giving you their daughter.
The salary thing may seem rude to ask upfront but it's just a way for parents to feel more secure about the choice. I think all parents understand that money comes and goes but they probably want to know that their daughter isn't going to be suddenly responsible for providing for you and your entire family (seems ridiculous, but I've seen it happen). even more so, in my case, my parents were curious about salary for 2 reasons: 1) guys tend to be insecure about making less than their spouses so my parents just wanted to make sure there wasn't a HUGE disparity (esp since said guy had no job atm) 2) to make sure that the guy would be able to financially provide the best he could and HIS parents AND/OR MY parents weren't suddently going to be responsible for paying for rent/utilities/apartment/etc etc for their child + spouse. Selfish? maybe, but that's what it is.
I don't think they're doing it to gold-dig. Parents want to make sure their daughters are going to be taken care of. If you hvae such an issue with their thinking NOW, I would back out because chances are you're going to have issues with a lot of their reasoning.
Re: Red Flag?
Is anyone else disturbed by these questions from a potential rishta
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Am I the only one thinking this all comes across as extremely shallow, I think asking salary is enough to make me run a country mile from the offset! ** Its a normal thing, my parents have met almost 20 families in last 1 & half year, believe me every single family ask about the salary either on Phone or in 1st meeting, so absorb it** :)
1) Question asking about my divorce circumstances
*Well every body tries his best on his side that they can know what was the reason, but i feel it is always one sided story & most of the time people will never state the correct reasons. *
2) Question asking about my education and qualification attained (not a bad question, but read on)
*Its a must 1.
*
3) Question asking about my job, future job prospects and get this,,,, SALARY!
Well sadly to live in this world, one way if we are land lord, factory owner or business man then people will judge you from living style & repute, but for a person who is doing job, they will ask about your salary (in my case some parents do check the stated salary from my office Accountant :) ) ,
4) Question asking about close up pictures
**
Well they have seen you in first meeting, so most people will swap pictures in the 2nd meeting if they are satisfied with the other details, its natural for you & the girl to at least see each other, that how is future life partner look like, every body have some sketch in mind for his future partner's look or what ever**
5) Question asking about siblings, however not who they are are they married or anything, but what work do they do (this questions isn't bad as such to me, but when put in context in with all the other questions, hmm)
Like many said above it will give the other side a broader picture about the family.
so at the end Rishtay tu aasmanoo pai baantaiy hain,
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Re: Red Flag?
I was serious.
Why are you trying to marry someone the arranged way if you don't want to tell people about yourself? This makes no sense to me. You want them to just trust you...based on...what?
Either play by the rules or sit out of the game.
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Why are you trying to marry someone the arranged way if you don't want to tell people about yourself? This makes no sense to me. You want them to just trust you...based on...what?
Either play by the rules or sit out of the game.
I'm happy to tell anything they wan't, however you can also figure someone out by the questions they ask, the salary question gave me a negative impression indeed. Salary gives no indication to me of anything really,
if someone is used to spending £6-700 a month on a car loan for an expensive vehicle, expensive designer clothes, massive mortgage, only eats at fancy restaurants and stays in 5* hotels, then the headline £50,000 salary becomes rather insignificant. Imagine this man having to give all that up to spend on his wife and family, will he be able to cope?
Same as will the girl be able to cope if she goes from a Maid + 5* lifestyle to a more modest one.
I also know of people on very modest incomes that convince themselves they are extremely rich indeed.
Although having said that I do understand about the jobs thing, I just remembered someone who said he works in a bank, for HSBC, cue impressions of a Bank Manager or something similar, he actually worked in a call centre.
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completely agree
I'm happy to tell anything they wan't, however you can also figure someone out by the questions they ask, the salary question gave me a negative impression indeed.
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OMG How dare they??? gasp They’re JUST giving you their daughter, how dare they ask personal questions such as salary and close up pictures? What do they need pictures for they should feel honored to have a man like YOU asking for their daughters hand! As long as she’s pretty right? Your looks shouldn’t matter at all!
No but seriously, you don’t seem fit to get married yet. Grow up a bit, open up your mind and try again later. 
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lol, read the thread before you start assuming things.
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nai nai multi 
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Why are you trying to marry someone the arranged way if you don't want to tell people about yourself? This makes no sense to me. You want them to just trust you...based on...what?
Either play by the rules or sit out of the game.
I've never understood that either. I understand that you're offended by their questioning but you making a fuss shows a lot about yours, too (I'm not trying to be rude or offensive). It's a HUGE assumption to make on THEIR part if they assume that you have a certain salary/job and marry their daughter with that expectation. It's easier to just put it out there in the open. At least that's how my parents see it. They didn't ask for your pay-stubs or anything, they wanted to know. And maybe they felt that in these type of situations (potential marriage) it's easier / better to just be direct than beat around the bush.
I've met numerous guys that aren't too comfortable with arranged settings and get really worked up about some of the questions. These people don't know you. For all they know you're lying about your qualifications, job, salary (it's happened before trust me) so they're trying to make sure they know as much about you as possible before marrying off their daughter. It might seem offensive but you have to understand that these people don't really have a reason to trust you. And give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they were burned in the past with a rishta proposal? My parents are 192819827 x more picky about what kind of guy/family they even allow to come over for my rishta after the jacka** that pulled the stunt with me last year.
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honestly arranged or not .. paksitani girls and their families just care about one thing in rishtas ..
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I'm happy to tell anything they wan't, however you can also figure someone out by the questions they ask, the salary question gave me a negative impression indeed. Salary gives no indication to me of anything really, if someone is used to spending £6-700 a month on a car loan for an expensive vehicle, expensive designer clothes, massive mortgage, only eats at fancy restaurants and stays in 5* hotels, then the headline £50,000 salary becomes rather insignificant. Imagine this man having to give all that up to spend on his wife and family, will he be able to cope? Same as will the girl be able to cope if she goes from a Maid + 5* lifestyle to a more modest one.
I also know of people on very modest incomes that convince themselves they are extremely rich indeed.
Although having said that I do understand about the jobs thing, I just remembered someone who said he works in a bank, for HSBC, cue impressions of a Bank Manager or something similar, he actually worked in a call centre.
I think you know exactly the reason they ask but find your salary too personal to talk about. That's your business and that's fine.
Parents have every right to know about you before they hand you their daughter. She is their responsibility and its common sense to make the best possible decision for your child in every respect...why would they not? Why would they not want to make sure you're not bluffing about who you are? Why would anyone marry their kid off to a virtual stranger and not even bother finding out basics about them?
You may believe differently but in our culture the man is still considered the provider. If you are going the arranged-marriage route and not capable of doing that much, you are not a suitable candidate for many families. That's not me talking...that's common sense and the way things are. To ensure their daughter's security and her future, families ask.
You're not taking extra baggage off their hands...you're marrying their daughter. Its another life entering yours. Your ego shouldn't be so big that you find it beneath yourself to satisfy someone's parents.
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I think you know exactly the reason they ask but find your salary too personal to talk about. That's your business and that's fine.
Parents have every right to know about you before they hand you their daughter. She is their responsibility and its common sense to make the best possible decision for your child in every respect...why would they not? Why would they not want to make sure you're not bluffing about who you are? Why would anyone marry their kid off to a virtual stranger and not even bother finding out basics about them?
You may believe differently but in our culture the man is still considered the provider. If you are going the arranged-marriage route and not capable of doing that much, you are not a suitable candidate for many families. That's not me talking...that's common sense and the way things are. To ensure their daughter's security and her future, families ask.
You're not taking extra baggage off their hands...you're marrying their daughter. Its another life entering yours. Your ego shouldn't be so big that you find it beneath yourself to satisfy someone's parents.
I don't actually understand why they ask, as a high salary doesn't guarantee a certain lifestyle (see explanation in quoted post).
To me, "basics about someone" doesn't involve salary, I do understand a mans responsibilities islamically but salary doesn't mean much as someones life can be scaled up or down depending on salary.
As I mentioned, I'm not materialistic on any sort of level, anyone that's asking about salary from the outset will probably be materialistic and potentially deluded about what having a large salary actually means.
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I've never understood that either. I understand that you're offended by their questioning but you making a fuss shows a lot about yours, too (I'm not trying to be rude or offensive). It's a HUGE assumption to make on THEIR part if they assume that you have a certain salary/job and marry their daughter with that expectation. It's easier to just put it out there in the open. At least that's how my parents see it. They didn't ask for your pay-stubs or anything, they wanted to know. And maybe they felt that in these type of situations (potential marriage) it's easier / better to just be direct than beat around the bush.
I've met numerous guys that aren't too comfortable with arranged settings and get really worked up about some of the questions. These people don't know you. For all they know you're lying about your qualifications, job, salary (it's happened before trust me) so they're trying to make sure they know as much about you as possible before marrying off their daughter. It might seem offensive but you have to understand that these people don't really have a reason to trust you. And give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they were burned in the past with a rishta proposal? My parents are 192819827 x more picky about what kind of guy/family they even allow to come over for my rishta after the jacka** that pulled the stunt with me last year.
Personally I don't think you should assume or judge based on salary, asking what job is fine but having expectations that - he will bring in £5k a month, they should be able to live on that, is a tad naive. When expectations get broken, then you have problems. If my business took a dive for whatever reason, I can see it being major hassle if your wife expected you to bring 5k home a month and you started bringing 3k for whatever reason, even more so if the parents stick their beaks in.
Of course there is a chance that the boy is lying about xyz, however what's not to say that the daughter has problems that are being covered up? She could be a mental, suffer from illnesses, not be able to cook/clean/whatever they propose so that very much works both ways, the whole High Horse that "OMGZ THEY'RE GIVING YOU THEIR DAUGHTER, HOW DARE YOU BE APPREHENSIVE ABOUT THE QUESTIONZZZZZZZ" I don't buy that crap, as the girls parents could be lying about her too.
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I don't actually understand why they ask, as a high salary doesn't guarantee a certain lifestyle (see explanation in quoted post).
To me, "basics about someone" doesn't involve salary, I do understand a mans responsibilities islamically but salary doesn't mean much as someones life can be scaled up or down depending on salary.
As I mentioned, I'm not materialistic on any sort of level, anyone that's asking about salary from the outset will probably be materialistic and potentially deluded about what having a large salary actually means.
My parents asked for salaries...none of my BILs at the time made anything close to what they make right now at the time of marriage. One of them didn't even own a car.
Its about honesty, being forthcoming about yourself and responsibility.
No one in this day and age, living in a western country is expecting you to provide a chauffeur and shopping sprees. Its a very naive way to think if that's what you believe. Most women work and are quite capable of providing for themselves...they don't need you.
However, that does not exempt you from your basic responsibilities in this process and in your marriage. It is what it is...why would you get all huffy about it like you're too high and mighty to do that? You aren't.
How old are you?
Personally I don't think you should assume or judge based on salary, asking what job is fine but having expectations that - he will bring in £5k a month, they should be able to live on that, is a tad naive. When expectations get broken, then you have problems. If my business took a dive for whatever reason, I can see it being major hassle if your wife expected you to bring 5k home a month and you started bringing 3k for whatever reason, even more so if the parents stick their beaks in.
Of course there is a chance that the boy is lying about xyz, however what's not to say that the daughter has problems that are being covered up? She could be a mental, suffer from illnesses, not be able to cook/clean/whatever they propose so that very much works both ways, the whole High Horse that "OMGZ THEY'RE GIVING YOU THEIR DAUGHTER, HOW DARE YOU BE APPREHENSIVE ABOUT THE QUESTIONZZZZZZZ" I don't buy that crap, as the girls parents could be lying about her too.
Really? How many times have you seen marriages break because the husband's income took a nose dive? And how many marriages have you seen break because the wife couldn't have kids?
Bad example.
About the rest...you buying it or not doesn't matter at all. This is how it works...with or without you. If you don't like it, drop the idea of an arranged marriage. Find someone to fall in "lowe" with your "inner beauty" and call it a day.
And by the way.............even if she was marrying you for financial security.............how is that any different from you marrying her based on her looks?
Why are you allowed to judge a book by its cover and not her?
You want to marry a pretty woman.......she wants to marry a secure man.
What's the issue?
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Damn Right Reha.
As a girl in this process your attitude really annoys me yoda, sorry if that hurts you.
Get off your high horse and walk and the land.
(i have had no sleep for 2 days)
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My parents asked for salaries...none of my BILs at the time made anything close to what they make right now at the time of marriage. One of them didn't even own a car.
Its about honesty, being forthcoming about yourself and responsibility.
No one in this day and age, living in a western country is expecting you to provide a chauffeur and shopping sprees. Its a very naive way to think if that's what you believe. Most women work and are quite capable of providing for themselves...they don't need you.
However, that does not exempt you from your basic responsibilities in this process and in your marriage. It is what it is...why would you get all huffy about it like you're too high and mighty to do that? You aren't.
How old are you?
Really? How many times have you seen marriages break because the husband's income took a nose dive? And how many marriages have you seen break because the wife couldn't have kids?
Bad example.
About the rest...you buying it or not doesn't matter at all. This is how it works...with or without you. If you don't like it, drop the idea of an arranged marriage. Find someone to fall in "lowe" with your "inner beauty" and call it a day.
And by the way.............even if she was marrying you for financial security.............how is that any different from you marrying her based on her looks?
Why are you allowed to judge a book by its cover and not her?
You want to marry a pretty woman.......she wants to marry a secure man.
What's the issue?
I think you're getting a bit high horse about womens' independence. I've never once even hinted about shunning responsibilities, however gathering interest based on your income means there is the potential to lose interest based on lack of income. Read the thread if you want to know my age.
There was a thread on here the other week about a woman whose husband took on a different job and she hinted at divorce, personally I haven't sat and analysed different marraiges.
When have I ever said about marrying a pretty person? Some serious assumptions going on here. I'm starting to wonder if you've actually read the thread.
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I don’t understand how it’s annoying, I don’t want someone to marry me or be interested in me based on my income if that’s what makes someone interested, chances are it will make them disinterested too.