Red Flag?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Is anyone else disturbed by these questions from a potential rishta

  1. Question asking about my divorce circumstances
  2. Question asking about my education and qualification attained (not a bad question, but read on)
  3. Question asking about my job, future job prospects and get this, SALARY!
  4. Question asking about close up pictures
  5. Question asking aout siblings, however not who they are are they married or anything, but what work do they do (this questions isn’t bad as such to me, but when put in context in with all the other questions, hmm)

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Am I the only one thinking this all comes across as extremely shallow, I think asking salary is enough to make me run a country mile from the offset!

2

Re: Red Flag?

1) Question asking about my divorce circumstances

This is a very normal question to ask if someone has been divorced because potential wants to understand the reason behind it to feel secure.

2) Question asking about my education and qualification attained (not a bad question, but read on)

Again a very normal/basic question.

3) Question asking about my job, future job prospects and get this,,,, SALARY!

If you are a guy then it's because girls side wants to know how stable of a career you have/will continue to have. If you are a girl that's still not an offensive question. Yes, some people think directly asking the salary is rude and some think they have every right to ask. Personally I think directly asking salary isn't very appropriate.

4) Question asking about close up pictures

Did you send a really small picture where your face is hard to make it? If so, I guess they just want to see your face properly.

5) Question asking aout siblings, however not who they are are they married or anything, but what work do they do (this questions isn't bad as such to me, but when put in context in with all the other questions, hmm)

Asking about siblings is fine but I also agree asking about their work etc is a bit much. Why does it matter what your siblings?

Although, I really don't think you should be offended because in arranged rishtas alot of questions are asked. I suppose other party wants to make an informed choice.

3

Re: Red Flag?

Stable career is fair enough, but Salary just seems extremely shallow, what if someone stops being able to earn due to unforseen circumstances, anything can happen, then paychecks fall into insignificance. I didn't give a picture, nor do I plan to now.

I am perfectly happy to answer questions about siblings, if it was an isolated question, who they are and what they do, but to have them all shoved into the same context as all the other questions, again seems to indicate a whole new level of shallow to me :/

Maybe I'm exaggerating but filtering out people based on salary is pretty poor IMO.

I know of a girl whose husband came from Pak, didn't have a job or anything really, his salary was essentially £0. However he has lived with his wife for 7-8 years and tries to provide for his family to the best of his means, he works as a delivery driver but noone really cares that he's earning or not earning megabucks. I think the main thing is that the attitude is more important by the actual result, as someone who has the right attitude can go far.

I guess some people might look to upgrade their son/daughters lifestyle somehow?

4

Re: Red Flag?

I don't think that anyone should be disturbed by these questions as the other person has a right to know.

5

Red Flag?

These are pretty legit questions. They are giving you their daughter, not selling you an old laptop. You should satisfy them to your best ability

6

Guess it’s just me then, I wouldn’t like to be reduced to the size of my paycheck, as that has nothing to do with what I’m like as a person, I guess it’s just a different sense of thinking.

7

Re: Red Flag?

^ Then tell them that you're not interested.

8

Re: Red Flag?

i think i know where you are coming from, and you do make sense, money overall is definitely a very superficial criteria and says nothing of a persons character. however, being a girl, my parents do want me to end up with someone who is somewhat financially stable just so they have peace of mind and sometimes they feel like its their responsibility to make sure their daughter end up with a man who is established etc.

however, i agree, asking salary is a very superficial criteria, like my parents would ask a guy his education and what does he do for work and thats it.

9

Re: Red Flag?

Now you know why most people in Pakistan when it comes to rishtas stay in the close family or friends and end up marrying blood relatives! so they do not have to ask the other party any of these embarrassing questions!

10

Re: Red Flag?

Could not have said it better myself.

Maybe you need to ask yourself if you have everything it takes to make a woman happy in her marriage. No one is saying you need to make 100K a year, but at least a stable job that can support a desired level of living is reasonable. You're going to cause a lot of problems if you marry someone with a lifestyle that you can't sustain after marriage.

11

Re: Red Flag?

Marrying Blood relatives. Not a good idea.

12

Re: Red Flag?

Very normal questions in the rishta process nothing unsual at all!

13

Re: Red Flag?

Aap larki ke khanay pakanay ke guron ke baray me pooch lein and get even.

14

Re: Red Flag?

That's the thing though, you can visit someone and see their home and see what they live like and that would give you an idea surely?

It's a bit like that other person on here that cleaned carpets for a living, the job wasn't "respectable" enough for his wife, how shallow.

If these people are interested in you if you have money, they will probbably lose interest just as quickly if you haven't got it :(

I do tend to live in the world that anyone can wake up penniless tomorrow morning, and certainly don't base my relationships around money.

15

Re: Red Flag?

Our house is pretty small for my family income - so just sitting in your living room does not give it all away.

16

Re: Red Flag?

Question 1, If they’re considering the rishta, I’m sure they’re not asking for every last detail, but what ever lead up to it or what you feel they would need to know.
Question 2 and 3, probably the most important questions on your list. Nothing alarming, apart from asking someones salary :rolleyes: .. That’s just plain rude.
Question 4, I guess they want more than the standard “rishta style pose mar-ing” pix :cb:
Question 5, I see nothing wrong with this question. Think of it this way, when people are getting married, it’s not just the bride and the groom, it’s the two families joining.

And to what you said, seeing is sometimes assuming, as opposed to believing. Anyone can glamorize and portray their living/ life style as a way that it’s not.

All together, if someone is accepting given the situation, then that’s that. If not, then it’s no one’s loss. You can’t stress over losing something you never had, right? :slight_smile:

17

Re: Red Flag?

exactly. I think those are fairly legitimate questions, but perhaps they could've been worded more tactfully?

no that's not true. We know people that live in estates on the beach here in CA but they're drowning in debt. I live in an EXTREMELY small house but we are more financially secure atm than a friend who lives in a 7 bedroom house. If you were to use houses to compare our assets, our house would be their servants' quarters.

The thing is, that it's totally your right to be offended, however it's also their right to make sure they address everything important to them. Though asking salary outright isn't super polite, I can see what they mean. I had a rishta from a guy that had no job because he was in school. I'm in med school atm and my parents wanted to know what the guy planned on doing considering I couldn't contribute financially at all. My parents DID ask what kind of salary he could be expected to make (he had a random not very common career path).

I don't think it's a red flag but your reaction to their questions points to a difference in thinking. The same said guy (who was offended that my parents asked bout him praying) ended up having issues with other things too...he thought my family was "backwards" because i wanted his dad to talk to my dad to finalize things, i wasn't allowed to be super open and go out with him at the outset, etc. Perhaps your line of thinking is different from theirs, too?

18

Re: Red Flag?

sidenote: as a girl that had a very horrible experience with the process, i will say this. If you have been talking to the girl and things are getting serious (but you are now having doubts) PLEASE discuss things with her and don't just back out and disappear. Perhaps the questioning is a misunderstanding. Don't ruin an otherwise good match with stuff like this, unless you realize that THERE IS a huge difference in thinking.

19

Re: Red Flag?

Yea, I was going to add if the girl and her family seem like nice people don't back out just because they asked a question or two that you didn't consider quite so appropriate. I honestly feel like OP you are over reacting. You said you haven't shown them a picture yet so what's wrong when they asked for a close-up picture? You also don't mind they asked about your siblings. So - it just comes down to them asking your salary. That one thing shouldn't be a deal breaker. Unless there are other things that you were already weary about then I suppose this was the last straw for you.

20

Re: Red Flag?

the question about siblings education and careers is sometimes asked because they are trying to gauge what the family is like overall, id education and career important or not. Additionally, sometimes it is indicative of what an individual's commitments could be. if someone is a well educated professional but siblings are not and are doing minimum wage work then more than likely the higher level of responsibility for parents in future or even for siblings could be on the person who is doing well. It is just something good to know.